WEBVTT

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Here we go

00:00:10.807 --> 00:00:12.851
I did it.
I finally did it.

00:00:12.851 --> 00:00:14.811
I've been watching him
for months,

00:00:14.811 --> 00:00:16.229
studying his every move,

00:00:16.229 --> 00:00:18.565
and I finally did it.

00:00:18.565 --> 00:00:21.067
I killed him!

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Killed who?

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No! Don't tell us!

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The less you say, the better!

00:00:27.615 --> 00:00:29.951
I didn't kill anyone
in real life!

00:00:29.951 --> 00:00:31.786
I killed someone's character
in Realm of Raiders,

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the online medieval
role-playing game.

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Yeah.
And that stuff bores me.

00:00:34.998 --> 00:00:37.417
That's why I said,
"the less you say, the better."

00:00:39.961 --> 00:00:41.671
How did it happen?

00:00:41.671 --> 00:00:43.006
Well, I was camping
the carrion creepers

00:00:43.006 --> 00:00:44.257
in Klovish Keep when...

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No, I mean how did it happen
that Aster got away

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and I'm still here
listening to this story?

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You don't understand.

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I killed AlphaDog!

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The world's most famous
video game player!

00:00:54.809 --> 00:00:58.480
So someone
who's not famous at all?

00:00:58.480 --> 00:00:59.689
You're wrong.

00:00:59.689 --> 00:01:01.691
AlphaDog is so famous
in gamer circles,

00:01:01.691 --> 00:01:04.569
he conceals his identity
whenever he appears in public.

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No one knows what he looks like
or who he really is.

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I'd like to thank
the Golden Gamer Awards,

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all the guys
in the ShadowKnight guild,

00:01:13.036 --> 00:01:15.872
and, of course,
the big guy upstairs...

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My brother, Joey, who lets me
live in his basement.

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Seriously, dude,
eat a vegetable.

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We're all pretty worried
about you.

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He wears a disguise?

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Man, you hardcore gamers
are so weirrrrr...

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I wasn't going to say "weird."

00:01:34.849 --> 00:01:36.684
I was going to say "weir."

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What's "weir"?

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Weir...

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"Noun. A small dam
in a river or stream."

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You're all like that.

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Good at stopping or diverting
the flow of water.

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Anyway,
AlphaDog wants to meet me!

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He's coming here!

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Actually,
I'm already here.

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Oh, my gosh!
It's AlphaDog!

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Mr. Dog, I'm such a big fan.

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Can I get you a treat?

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You actually wear that mask
when you're just walking around?

00:02:12.512 --> 00:02:14.514
Only when it looks like rain.

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'Cause I hate when my hair
gets all frizzy.

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Buckle up

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And hold on tight

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You and me
on a wild ride

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We're gonna own it
and change the game

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Together we'll make it
all the way

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Through all the ups
and all the downs, downs

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We'll always find our way
around

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Here we go
whoa-oa-oh

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Yeah, here we go
whoa-oa-oh

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You got me

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I got you

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Here we go

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So your real name
is Robin?

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I really had no idea
you were a girl.

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The truth is, I was convinced
you were a boy.

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Playing that game,

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or when you first saw her
in person?

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Anyway, if I'd known
you were so cool,

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I never would've killed you.

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Yes, you would have.

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Totally.

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Talk about cool.

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This place is awesome!

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I mean, you have
a roller coaster!

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Aster, can I borrow
some money for lunch?

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I guess so.

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Thanks.

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I hate buying napkins.
They're really expensive.

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Anyway,
here's that money I borrowed.

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You know what?

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Use your own money next time
you want to wipe your face.

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Or any other part of you.

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I would, but I'm saving up
to buy a new outfit.

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Based on the one
you're wearing?

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Shouldn't take too long.

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It's a beautiful,
hand-stitched cloak

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with ornate gold thread
and ivy leaf detailing.

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That sounds amazing!
Can I see it?

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Sure.

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Oh, it's in that stupid game,
Realm of Raiders?

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No!

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It's in that great game,
Realm of Raiders!

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It's a virtual cloak
for my warrior.

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I hope it comes
with a virtual hood,

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because it looks
like virtual rain,

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and I hate it

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when my virtual hair
gets all frizzy.

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So you want to pay real money
for something not real?

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I think of it
as an investment.

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One day,
I'll pass this virtual cloak on

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to my virtual kids.

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To have virtual kids,
you'd need a virtual wife.

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And to get a virtual wife,
you'd need a virtual girlfriend.

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And there's virtually no chance
of that happening.

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Why would you want to play
some game

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where you have to look

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at disgusting, misshapen
creatures

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with pale, green skin,
greasy hair,

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and bulging red eyes?

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Actually, the
screensaver came on.

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That's a picture
of my grandmother.

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That is a nice cloak!
Who designed it?

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I don't know. Some
player in the game.

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Wait.
Players can design outfits?

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Sure.

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You can master tailoring,
leather craft, jewel making...

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Wow.

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I always thought
these games were for losers

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who like casting spells
and killing monsters,

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not cool guys who like sewing.

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Jarvis, you wanted to see me?

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Piper, you're a girl...

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Hear that, Aster?
He knows!

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You were saying?

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I wanted to ask you
about Robin.

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Robin?

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Yeah.

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I really like her.

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She wears
all these cool Goth clothes,

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and she's really good
at computers.

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I've never met anyone like her.

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Really.

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You've never met
anyone like her?

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I think I'd remember if I did.

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Can you find out
if she has a boyfriend?

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What?

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A boyfriend.

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I want you to find out
if she's seeing someone

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so I can ask her out.

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Sorry!
Can't hear you!

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The acoustics in here
are terrible!

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You have a boyfriend, right?
Yep, thought so.

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I mean,
you'd have to be a real loser

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not to have a boyfriend.

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Do you have a boyfriend?

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What?

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Wow, the acoustics out here
are terrible!

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Actually, I am dating someone.

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Perfect!

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He can be such an ogre.

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Hey, we can't choose
who we love in this world.

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Oh, I'm not talking
about this world.

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I'm dating an ogre
in Realm of Raiders.

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He can be such an ogre.

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Sometimes he's a half-elf
candlemaker with a pet griffin.

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In this world,
I couldn't be more single.

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Come on, there must be
someone you're interested in.

00:06:54.001 --> 00:06:56.129
Well, there is
this one guy...

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Then you need
to ask him out!

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Because you being
single is not okay!

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All right. Fine.
I'll ask Jarvis out.

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What?

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Wow.

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The acoustics
are really bad out here.

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Jarvis is the guy
I'm interested in.

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I'm going to ask him out.

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Fine.

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If you want to be
one of those girls

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that needs a guy
to feel complete.

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I didn't think I was,

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but you convinced me
otherwise.

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Hey, Aster, can I
borrow some more money?

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I need to go
to the bathroom.

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Ew! No.

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You're not using my cash
as toilet paper.

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I wouldn't do that!

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I'm not weird!

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I need the money
for cab fare

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because I can only go
at home

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while my mom sings to me
through the door.

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You're really broke again?

00:07:44.677 --> 00:07:45.845
Yeah.

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I bought my character
an enchanted silk fez.

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I know.
You bought that from me.

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I knew that tiny little
imp looked familiar!

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You're really into that game,
huh?

00:07:57.690 --> 00:07:59.233
It's awesome!

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I've made pants, boots,
tunics, capes,

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and custom-made bicycle shorts
for a five-legged gorgon!

00:08:04.071 --> 00:08:06.866
Now I'm making a primal
darkthread robe of dread!

00:08:06.866 --> 00:08:10.703
I'm thinking of giving it
pink buttons.

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Wow.

00:08:13.831 --> 00:08:15.708
Someone doesn't
like that idea.

00:08:15.708 --> 00:08:17.335
No, that's just
the wraith I'm killing.

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I thought you didn't like
that part of the game.

00:08:19.754 --> 00:08:21.422
You know,
the game part of the game.

00:08:21.422 --> 00:08:24.217
I need his fingernails
to make a darkthread needle.

00:08:24.217 --> 00:08:26.135
Otherwise,
I killed the Arachnoid Queen

00:08:26.135 --> 00:08:27.595
and spun her silks
into darkthread

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on the cursed loom of Xandelth
in the Forgotten Dungeon

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for nothing!

00:08:31.057 --> 00:08:32.642
Sounds like hard work.

00:08:32.642 --> 00:08:34.018
Meh.

00:08:34.018 --> 00:08:36.771
Reassuring a hill giant
that turtlenecks are slimming?

00:08:36.771 --> 00:08:39.023
That's hard work.

00:08:39.023 --> 00:08:42.652
Anyway, I still really
need to go to the bathroom.

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Here's my wallet.
Knock yourself out.

00:08:46.364 --> 00:08:47.949
Okay.

00:08:47.949 --> 00:08:49.742
But I'm not sure how being
unconscious will stop me

00:08:49.742 --> 00:08:51.452
from needing to go
to the bathroom.

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Hey, Piper.
How's it going?

00:09:04.757 --> 00:09:06.300
I'm dressed entirely in black,

00:09:06.300 --> 00:09:08.135
sitting alone,
cursing the world.

00:09:08.135 --> 00:09:09.595
How do you think it's going?

00:09:09.595 --> 00:09:11.597
I guess the same as usual?

00:09:12.765 --> 00:09:14.767
Anyway, I was wondering

00:09:14.767 --> 00:09:15.643
if you'd go on a date with me
tonight.

00:09:17.144 --> 00:09:19.772
Really? Me? You?
On a date?

00:09:19.772 --> 00:09:20.773
Of course!

00:09:20.773 --> 00:09:22.942
First you know I'm
a girl, now this?

00:09:22.942 --> 00:09:25.903
This day is really
turning around!

00:09:25.903 --> 00:09:27.196
What happened
with Robin?

00:09:27.196 --> 00:09:29.198
I decided not to ask her out...

00:09:29.198 --> 00:09:30.116
Great!

00:09:30.116 --> 00:09:31.284
When she asked me out.

00:09:31.284 --> 00:09:35.705
Asking her at that point
seemed unnecessary.

00:09:35.705 --> 00:09:37.707
Anyway,
that's why I want us to go out.

00:09:37.707 --> 00:09:38.916
I figured a fake,
meaningless date with you

00:09:38.916 --> 00:09:39.959
would be good practice

00:09:39.959 --> 00:09:41.961
for my real, important date
with Robin.

00:09:48.467 --> 00:09:49.635
Oh, right.

00:09:49.635 --> 00:09:51.387
You were in the middle
of something.

00:09:51.387 --> 00:09:53.889
I'll let you get back to it.

00:10:01.105 --> 00:10:02.690
I was right.

00:10:02.690 --> 00:10:04.442
Being unconscious
didn't prevent me

00:10:04.442 --> 00:10:07.069
from needing
to go to the bathroom.

00:10:07.069 --> 00:10:09.196
Which is why I went
after coming to

00:10:09.196 --> 00:10:11.991
and before taking that nap.

00:10:11.991 --> 00:10:15.077
Die! Die! Die!

00:10:15.077 --> 00:10:17.538
Why won't this fabric
change colour?

00:10:18.831 --> 00:10:21.250
Aster, you've been playing
Realm of Raiders for hours!

00:10:22.835 --> 00:10:24.712
Remember how you said
you don't want to look

00:10:24.712 --> 00:10:26.339
at disgusting, misshapen
creatures

00:10:26.339 --> 00:10:27.840
with pale, green skin,
greasy hair,

00:10:27.840 --> 00:10:28.841
and bulging red eyes?

00:10:28.841 --> 00:10:30.301
Yeah.

00:10:34.013 --> 00:10:36.849
Your grandmother!

00:10:36.849 --> 00:10:38.476
That's you!

00:10:38.476 --> 00:10:39.518
You've been hunched over

00:10:39.518 --> 00:10:41.020
staring at that
screen so long,

00:10:41.020 --> 00:10:44.482
you look like a sweet,
loving old lady!

00:10:44.482 --> 00:10:45.775
I don't care what I
look like in real life.

00:10:48.819 --> 00:10:50.529
Wow.

00:10:50.529 --> 00:10:52.698
I should not have inhaled
that deeply next to you.

00:10:52.698 --> 00:10:54.992
Stop playing
and take a bath!

00:10:57.161 --> 00:11:00.665
Need...more...junk food!

00:11:02.792 --> 00:11:04.710
Some kind of fruit...

00:11:04.710 --> 00:11:06.212
Some kind
of fruit...

00:11:07.755 --> 00:11:09.924
Hey, Aster.

00:11:10.883 --> 00:11:11.801
Aah!

00:11:15.304 --> 00:11:16.931
You actually
look... nice.

00:11:17.098 --> 00:11:18.933
I'm going on a date
with Jarvis.

00:11:18.933 --> 00:11:20.267
Wow.

00:11:20.267 --> 00:11:22.436
A day no one ever
thought would come.

00:11:22.436 --> 00:11:24.146
Jarvis just wants
to test everything out

00:11:24.146 --> 00:11:26.982
to make sure his real date
with Robin goes perfectly.

00:11:26.982 --> 00:11:28.401
Well, just because
it's a practice date

00:11:28.401 --> 00:11:29.527
doesn't mean
you can't have fun.

00:11:30.820 --> 00:11:32.405
You've read
about "fun" in books, right?

00:11:34.407 --> 00:11:36.575
How am I supposed
to have fun on a fake date?

00:11:36.575 --> 00:11:38.744
Look,
the date may be fake now,

00:11:38.744 --> 00:11:39.912
but maybe that will change.

00:11:39.912 --> 00:11:41.163
If you treat it
like a real date,

00:11:41.163 --> 00:11:42.665
Jarvis might see you
in a new light,

00:11:42.665 --> 00:11:44.625
and it could lead
to true love.

00:11:44.625 --> 00:11:46.752
Really? You think so?

00:11:46.752 --> 00:11:48.671
No.

00:11:48.671 --> 00:11:50.339
But what else
are you going to do?

00:11:50.339 --> 00:11:52.341
Make the date miserable
and give Jarvis bad advice

00:11:52.341 --> 00:11:55.010
so his real date
with Robin goes terribly?

00:11:56.512 --> 00:11:59.890
Thank you, Aster.
I know what I have to do.

00:11:59.890 --> 00:12:02.017
Flowers?
Girls hate flowers!

00:12:06.021 --> 00:12:09.442
Ow!
Girls also hate thorns.

00:12:21.412 --> 00:12:22.621
Aw, a candle.

00:12:22.621 --> 00:12:24.582
We all know what that says.

00:12:24.582 --> 00:12:25.833
Romance?

00:12:25.833 --> 00:12:27.835
No, that you think your date
is ugly

00:12:27.835 --> 00:12:29.503
and want low light
to avoid looking at her.

00:12:30.588 --> 00:12:33.424
Why don't you just put
a paper bag on her head?

00:12:33.424 --> 00:12:34.425
I wouldn't do that.

00:12:34.425 --> 00:12:38.137
Well, you should!
Girls love that.

00:12:38.137 --> 00:12:39.513
Are you sure girls like
all these things?

00:12:39.513 --> 00:12:41.515
Yes!

00:12:41.515 --> 00:12:42.600
Girls also hate it
when you question them.

00:12:44.435 --> 00:12:46.437
Actually, that one's true.

00:12:51.108 --> 00:12:52.443
Aster?

00:12:54.445 --> 00:12:55.863
Aster?

00:12:55.863 --> 00:12:57.615
Aster!

00:12:59.658 --> 00:13:02.661
He won't interact with
anyone outside the game!

00:13:02.661 --> 00:13:06.123
There's only one way
to get him to stop playing.

00:13:10.044 --> 00:13:14.298
Wow, you do not lose
consciousness easily.

00:13:14.298 --> 00:13:15.800
Now that I think about it,

00:13:15.800 --> 00:13:18.552
there is one other way
to get him to stop playing.

00:13:21.639 --> 00:13:22.681
This primal darkthread
robe of dread

00:13:22.681 --> 00:13:24.475
will make you a real ladykiller.

00:13:25.643 --> 00:13:28.646
It gives you plus-12 damage
against female characters.

00:13:31.482 --> 00:13:32.566
Oof!

00:13:36.070 --> 00:13:37.488
Aster!

00:13:37.488 --> 00:13:39.657
That's Lord Aster of Gabardine,
you foul...

00:13:42.660 --> 00:13:43.661
Bowie?

00:13:43.661 --> 00:13:46.330
Why are you
a female ogre?

00:13:46.330 --> 00:13:47.832
When I first made
my character,

00:13:47.832 --> 00:13:49.583
I accidentally clicked
the wrong box.

00:13:49.583 --> 00:13:52.586
I meant to be
a female hobgoblin.

00:13:52.586 --> 00:13:55.714
Anyway, you need to stop playing
Realm of Raiders.

00:13:55.714 --> 00:13:57.716
Over my dead body.

00:13:57.716 --> 00:14:00.719
So be it!

00:14:02.721 --> 00:14:05.724
I shall harness the forces
of the underworld

00:14:05.724 --> 00:14:08.727
and summon a
fireball of death!

00:14:12.773 --> 00:14:14.358
Close enough!

00:14:25.202 --> 00:14:28.622
All right, you didn't like
my flowers, my candlelight,

00:14:28.622 --> 00:14:32.626
my home-cooked meal,
or my inability to fart.

00:14:32.626 --> 00:14:34.962
All that's left of the
perfect date I planned

00:14:34.962 --> 00:14:36.005
is the good-night kiss.

00:14:36.005 --> 00:14:38.340
The what?

00:14:38.340 --> 00:14:39.967
Sorry, the acoustics
in this paper bag

00:14:39.967 --> 00:14:41.844
aren't very good.

00:14:44.305 --> 00:14:45.764
Thank goodness
Bowie killed me.

00:14:47.975 --> 00:14:50.519
I had no idea how much time
I'd wasted in that stupid game.

00:14:50.519 --> 00:14:52.479
Well, at least I've seen
my last troll.

00:14:57.610 --> 00:14:58.360
Hello, Jarvis.

00:14:58.360 --> 00:15:00.613
Robin?

00:15:00.613 --> 00:15:04.575
Yes. It is I, Robin.

00:15:04.575 --> 00:15:07.119
I have reconsidered
and think we should kiss.

00:15:08.454 --> 00:15:10.039
Doesn't Piper have
that same outfit?

00:15:11.123 --> 00:15:12.249
Uh...

00:15:12.249 --> 00:15:16.128
she lent it to me.

00:15:16.128 --> 00:15:17.922
But you're shorter
than her.

00:15:20.049 --> 00:15:22.468
Actually, come to think of it,
you seem taller than you did.

00:15:22.468 --> 00:15:24.595
Oh.

00:15:24.595 --> 00:15:26.764
I... guess
I grew a couple of inches

00:15:26.764 --> 00:15:27.973
since yesterday.

00:15:29.141 --> 00:15:30.142
Is that possible?

00:15:30.142 --> 00:15:30.225
Are you gonna kiss me
or not?

00:15:30.225 --> 00:15:31.477
Take off the mask.

00:15:31.477 --> 00:15:33.228
Uh... no.

00:15:33.228 --> 00:15:35.481
What? That's weird.
Take it off.

00:15:35.481 --> 00:15:37.608
I cannot take it off.

00:15:37.608 --> 00:15:39.610
It's stuck.

00:15:39.610 --> 00:15:41.862
Well, I'm not going
to kiss a dog mask.

00:15:41.862 --> 00:15:43.530
Fine.

00:15:47.451 --> 00:15:48.619
Good morning, Robin.

00:15:48.619 --> 00:15:50.037
What's good about it?

00:15:50.037 --> 00:15:51.538
My mask is stuck.

00:15:59.546 --> 00:16:01.131
Yes, it's true.

00:16:01.131 --> 00:16:04.551
I was recently slain
by an extremely ugly she-ogre.

00:16:04.551 --> 00:16:06.553
Well, my death
means savings for you!

00:16:06.553 --> 00:16:09.556
Come on down
to Aster's Fashion Dungeon!

00:16:09.556 --> 00:16:11.809
We've got racks of furs,
racks of vests,

00:16:11.809 --> 00:16:12.935
racks of tunics...

00:16:12.935 --> 00:16:14.770
And an actual rack

00:16:14.770 --> 00:16:16.146
in case you're too short
for our clothes.

00:16:18.565 --> 00:16:21.777
And best of all,
everything's on sale.

00:16:21.777 --> 00:16:23.153
Our prices are so low,

00:16:23.153 --> 00:16:25.072
even Druids can
afford to shop here!

00:16:25.072 --> 00:16:26.949
I'm P. Everett Knickknack...

00:16:26.949 --> 00:16:28.492
This isn't
a toy commercial.

00:16:28.492 --> 00:16:29.576
Okay, then.