I'm Jimmy DiResta, and I'm a maker.
That's a hip way of saying I make things… like this.
Pretty cool, right?
Walk with me.
For years, I made my name as a toy designer in New York City.
Then I realized I don't like the city, I don't like designing toys,
and to be honest with you, I don't really like kids.
It's not like I hate them or anything.
It's just it's, "Check out my little Timmy."
I don't care.
Look at my birds.
So anyway, I quit my job,
I left the city, and I moved upstate to here, my farm.
I got land, I got animals,
and best of all I have this.
The ultimate maker workshop!
Inside, I have every kind of tool and machine imaginable to make things.
Pretty impressive stuff, huh?
Really? You're labeling the table like that's some sort of impress--
"Bag"? We can just--
Okay. Graphics guy trying to be funny.
Can we please get on with it? Anyway…
So I got a call to be on a TV show 'cause I'm a maker celebrity or whatever.
I said, "Sure. Cool." Why not, right?
So I agreed.
Then I found out who I'd be working for.
Jimmy!
-Hi. -Hi!
Jimmy!
Hey, Jimmy.
What do you want?
Okay, Mr. Grouch.
Thirty years of expert build experience, and I'm taking orders from half-pints.
Because misery loves company, I brought my buddies in on it with me.
Say hi, guys.
-Howdy! -Hello!
That's Jackman. He's an engineer, and he plans everything.
It's really annoying, but he's good at it.
That's Derek, my best friend.
Big guy and even bigger softie.
This is Graz.
Good maker, bad jokes.
And Canadian Pat.
Well, your guess is as good as mine.
Let's have some fun.
Together, we'll take pitches on this.
Listen to whatever their dumb little brains can come up with.
The Pig Tripper. It trips the pig.
-Wow. -So a catapult that throws cat poop?
-Yes.
If it's interesting or doable, I'll build it. If not--
Next!
-Next! -No way.
-Next! -Shut up!
-Some builds will be good.
Dino Taco Toilet.
Are you not entertained?
Some builds will be bad.
Graz, I told you the scissors were gonna be too heavy!
Make a bigger handle!
But all of them will be absolutely pointless.
-Yeah! -That is disgusting.
Whoa!
-I want the unicorn to fart! -I can't believe I'm doing this.
-Go, Graz!
Why are we doing this? Because we make things. That's what we do.
-Thought we weren't supposed to have fun. -I'm not having fun!
We're gonna show these kids, if they can dream it up…
I want it to be a guitar boat that floats.
You're onto something there.
…it can be built.
Oh!
That is so cool!
Hey, it might even inspire them to build
outside their little Minecraft -y world, or whatever.
-Do I wanna do it?
Dumbest thing we've ever made.
Not really. But this isn't about me, is it?
-So here we are. -You better get to work!
Funny how their dreams are my nightmare.
Come on, Jimmy. Have some fun.
Whatever.
Graz, what's with the jumpsuit?
-What do you mean? -You look like a janitor in a prison.
What's wrong with my jumpsuit?
Looks like the guy at the carwash.
You got him!
I can pull it off. I think I look pretty studly.
Let's not get crazy. All right. Let's hear some pitches. You ready?
-Let's do it. -Finally!
Let's get ready. Let's see what we got.
Hello? Can you hear me?
-Yes. -And what are your names?
Ian, and this is Angela.
-Are you guys lawyers? No.
-We don't have a job.
-What's up, buddy? What's your name? -My name is Jacob.
What do you wanna be when you grow up?
Video game programmer.
That's gonna be a tricky path.
-It certainly is.
-Hello! -Hi, Jimmy.
Hey, guys. Do you guys have some inventions you wanna show us?
A stink bomb car.
Oh!
-What did he say? A stink bomb car.
It shoots stink bombs and goes…
-I love it.
Eva, what do you think about the car?
-It stinks.
It smells like my dad.
Give me something good.
This is the Magna Suit.
The bottoms of the boots are positively charged.
-Okay. -The floor has electromagnets underneath.
-Okay. -When you step into the room,
you're pretty much floating.
I think you're too smart for me.
Oh, gosh.
-Give me your elevator pitch.
Ready? Bing.
So we invented a flying house
that has a helicopter on it, and when you press the red button, bing,
it just carries the house, and it can go anywhere you want it to go.
It can go to Disneyland, Legoland.
And the most important part is that it can go to our friends' house, and the--
-I'm almost at my floor. -Pardon?
Sometimes when I hear a great idea, I can't contain my excitement.
-Yes! -This is not one of those times.
If you think you can't do it, it's not my problem. It's your problem.
-Next. -What?
-Wanna see a magic trick? -What is it?
-Abracadabra. Poof! You're gone.
Jacob, do you know what your IQ is?
-No? -Because mine is six.
Guys, I'm too smart for you.
That's perfect.
I think that's a first for the show.
And I don't feel bad--
-It's a blessing in disguise. -He was way above us.
-Oh my God. -Super funny and super smart.
What's up, guys? What's your names?
Christopher Whitley.
Malia Whitley.
And are you guys a brother and sister?
-Yeah. -We're twins.
Okay. Who's older? Somebody has to be older. Who's older?
-Me! Me! Me! I'm older! -No! I'm older! I'm older! No!
-Next.
-Easy! -Break her--
-Oh boy. -Reel it in.
Yeah. I'm smacking his brain out.
All right, guys.
If you could take about three seconds to stop fighting, tell me your idea.
Scissors, rock and finally paper, built in scissors and rock and paper.
I want Rock-paper-scissors.
-We're gonna play Rock-paper-scissor? -Yes.
The hand as large as this big table.
So like a big hand.
Yes. And then the paper is some really big toilet paper.
-Okay. -And the rock is as big as a glacier,
and the scissors is as big as a shark's mouth.
All right. So let me get this straight. You want a big hand.
We'd have to have two hands if they were gonna play against each other.
So we have two big scissors, and we have two big pieces of paper,
and we have two big rocks,
and then you turn around, and you set the hand up, and then you go, boom.
-Like that? -Yeah.
-Pretty good. -Can you play Rock-paper-scissors?
-Mm-hmm. -The best 20 out of 21. Okay? Go.
What do you think of this idea?
It's a little crazy, but it's the best one so far.
Got you!
-I like it. It'd be a fun competition.
-Yeah. - I won again!
-We could do like a curtain, where "choo." -Pull a lever and it…
Wait. I win that round because I pulled out the rock!
Sugar, the breakfast of champions.
I think this is a good one.
Yeah. This could be fun.
No magnetism, no programming. This is simple.
We could play it. I think it's a good one.
I think we do it so that nobody kills each other.
-Guys, we're gonna do your idea.
Yay!
We're gonna check in with you later once we get started.
Please, please, don't hurt each other in the meantime. Okay?
Ow!
Bye.
-I don't want childrens anymore. -Yeah.
-Wow. -Could you imagine being in that house?
-A lot of energy. -Lots of energy.
All right. I have some ideas.
Let's go to the chalkboard and start sketching up some ideas.
Oh, thank God.
Okay. So this is Rock-paper-scissor.
So we need a rock, and the kid said something
about toilet paper, which actually kind of is funny.
-I like that. -Kids like poop.
And then, of course, we need scissors,
which are gonna be clumsy and silly-looking.
I was thinking of a mechanism like this,
maybe we have two of them, and it goes to a lever.
And then on here, you have a big hand. And then this thing goes like this. Yoink!
The weight of it dropping it, or spring-loaded? What are you thinking?
Yoink!
Thanks.
How's this gonna go? We're gonna battle it out? Each have teams here?
Yeah, I think it's a good idea. We'll build it as a team,
and then in the end, we'll figure out a way to choose teams.
-How are we gonna do that? -Rock-paper-scissors.
Brilliant.
But then we need a curtain
in front of each, so you won't know who's choosing what.
Okay. This is gonna get good.
Obviously, we're gonna have to each have our own set.
Your own pair of scissors, your own paper.
Each of those will have to have a bar or something attached to it
that will fit into a sheath in the palm of the hand.
That way, all the parts can be interchangeable.
Are you two guys okay to make the scissors and rock?
-Hell yeah. -All right.
Jackman, you're good at building big things,
so maybe we make the big roll of toilet paper out of foam rubber.
Derek and I are gonna work on the mechanisms and the big hands.
The difficult stuff, we'll do.
What time do you need to get back to the maintenance job?
We're good. Let's get out of here, get started, and get some materials.
-Let's go. -Graz. Could you get my car washed?
Very funny.
What's your favorite part of Rock-paper-scissors?
Maybe rock. It can smash everything.
-What are you thinking here? -It's a fairly simple mechanism.
We have a lever, and the big pivot that's going to carry the hand.
-I can demonstrate my idea with a model.
It's so much easier when you model things up to see how they work.
Making a small-scale model is a very important part of my process.
It helps me intimately understand how the mechanics will work.
Looks like a llama.
So I know exactly what to do when we scale up for the big build.
It's gonna work so good.
I'm gonna go over to the band saw and make the hand.
Let me explain how this works because it's actually pretty simple.
It's representational right now.
The main mechanism is a system
constructed of two levers that are connected to each other.
Each arm on its own pivot point, called the fulcrum,
will help to transfer the force from our hand, to the big, giant hand.
I see the top of the hand, like, in this position right here.
When we push the shorter lever,
not only does it reduce the amount of force we need to move the big hand,
but the long lever amplifies the movement to give it an even larger articulation.
Look at that bicep.
And just for funsies,
I'm gonna add another pivot point to the bottom lever
to give us some additional movement when the hand is thrown.
Like I said, "Boink! Pretty simple."
-I think it works well. -I really like the extra pivot.
Rock-paper-scissors.
Oooh, yah!
Are you sure Rochambeau isn't French?
You know what? I don't even know what a Rochambeau is.
It's Rock-paper-scissors, but I--
I think I just Rochambeau'd in my shorts.
All right. So we got some material.
We got the paper. We got the canvas. We got some tape.
-Let's make some rocks. -Let's do some rocks.
The first step of rock-making is to crumple a bunch of paper around a 2x4,
to create a rocky shape with a little bit of structure.
-That's a good start. -Rip that.
Let's tape this and kinda see where we're at.
Hold on.
Jimmy's got a lot of cool tools laying around,
but sometimes you just wanna reach for the old school roll of tape.
Tape is super easy 'cause you can just-- Agh!
-I hate when that happens with the tape. -Yeah.
There we go. All right.
Like I was saying, tape is easy to--
Oh God, it's the worst.
I got it. I got it.
See? Super easy.
Now that this is done, step two is to get some canvas.
To attach this to this, what do you suggest?
-Spray glue.
All right. Let's start spraying.
With just a little bit of spray glue…
…we'll attach these strips of canvas
around the rock to give it a rugged exterior.
Oh, that looks like a rock.
With each extra strip…
Nice.
…we're getting close to being done.
All right. Let's get another strip.
I can almost taste it.
I actually can taste it.
It's good.
-It's not toxic at all. -Oh no, it's very toxic.
What we're gonna do is we're gonna make a hand out of this--
-We're gonna cut individual fingers. -Okay.
And we'll create a gesture in them
that works for what we're doing here.
We have our first knuckle.
To make a complete hand, I'm gonna draw out all of the pieces of the hand.
Fingertips, the palm, you get it. And then we're gonna cut them out.
And then for the big, big finger…
This finger.
Whoa.
We're gonna have to draw a big one for this one.
Please. Family show.
Grab that side. We'll go over to the band saw.
Making the whole hand in little pieces is a lot easier and a lot safer.
This way, if I have an accident, I can just replace that one part
instead of ruining a big, giant chunk of foam.
-What do you think? Good? -Yeah, that should work.
Foam is the way to go, as far as materials go,
because we can make the hands really big but still stay relatively light.
That's a little foreshadowing for you.
Stick around and find out if it is the case.
Anyway, now that the fingers are cut,
we're using spray-foam adhesive and screws
to secure the fingers to the palm.
Just kidding.
The hands need a bit more smoothing and shaping,
and Derek is opting for a fine sanding approach
that will get the job done,
but it's a little too slow for my taste.
I prefer to take a quicker route.
I've never done it before, but I feel like I'd make a good ice sculptor.
I mean, come on. Look at these things.
It's beautiful.
So I got the crappy job.
I get to make a giant roll of toilet paper.
I gotta scale this up until it's three feet in diameter.
To do that, I've got a couple of tube options here,
some foam that's gonna wrap around that, and then plywood for structure.
Let's get started.
This may come as a surprise,
but I've never made a giant roll of toilet paper before.
So I'm gonna start with the basics.
I'll start by cutting some perfect circles out of plywood.
These will go on either side of the tube to provide structural support.
The band saw makes cutting circles easy,
and although I know my way around this particular tool,
it's always nice to get a bit of coaching.
Cut it from the waist.
Use your whole body.
That's it. Not the arms, the whole body.
Whole body, Jackman, whole body.
That's good, I guess.
This is chicken wire that I'm wrapping this giant roll of toilet paper in.
This is gonna be the outside skin.
On top of it we're gonna do some quilted fabric.
So the fabric part of the rolls is all done.
The next step is the ends.
I'm gonna use this to spiral around the sonotube
and that's gonna mimic the end of a toilet paper roll.
-Hey, Jimmy. -Yeah?
Toilet paper's all done.
It looks great. Looks just like a real roll of toilet paper.
That's really nice. You got the double-ply quilted. It looks good.
It's the good stuff.
These rocks really did come out pretty awesome.
Dude, they look real.
With the rocks all painted in plaster…
Oh, this is coming out killer.
…we might as well move on to the scissors while the plaster dries and hardens.
Scissor.
-Half of a scissor. -Half a scissor.
All right. So here's the template we cut on the band saw.
-Yeah. -So now it's plasma cutting.
We're going to use this template
to run the plasma gun around the entire outline,
and then we cut another one.
And once we have that, we'll actually have a scissor mechanism.
-All right. -Let's go.
When the compressed air in the plasma gun makes contact
with the electrode, it ionizes.
-You having fun? -Oh yeah!
Resulting in a stream of pure plasma.
Pure plasma.
This is hot enough to cut through any material, including this steel.
Including this steel.
I love the smell of burning forearm hair in the afternoon.
Nice.
And there we have it. We have a half a scissor.
All right. We got this one done. Three more to go. Let's start cutting.
Ha!
All right. What you're looking at here is my CNC machine.
We're gonna make the mechanism for the Rock-paper-scissor game.
I arrived at these shapes
by taking a photograph of the original model that I made,
bringing it into the computer, scaling it up to full-size,
and that's how I arrived at all these parts.
And we're gonna cut all the parts that make up that mechanism out of plywood.
It's kinda like sending something to a printer.
You just put a piece of plywood in, hit start,
and it does the same shape over and over.
Attention, Jimmy. Children calling.
Attention, Jimmy.
Time to talk to the kids again.
Oh hey, guys.
-Hey, Jimmy. -You're still alive.
-We wanna see how the build is going! -Not allowed to show youanything.
We can see the big, giant hand!
-That's right. -That guy is trying to hide from us.
Who's trying to hide something?
We got a lot of work to do. What's going on? What you doing here?
We want to add something a little more exciting.
Oh no. What do you have?
Jimmy knows the drill.
So we want the loser to be punished.
We want a contraption.
We want you to dump spoiled, chocolate ice-cream on the loser.
What?
And then put some pickles, some cauliflower, and some throw-up.
It's a good thing we saved that bucket of throw-up.
What the hell are you talking about?
Yeah, so once you lose,
you have to sit down on the contraption, and it pours on you.
You know you guys are sick in the head?
-Not as sick as you! -Ooh!
You better get to work.
You better get to work because we want it on the spot, people!
We really mean it!
You don't tell me when we're done. I tell you when we're done.
-We're done. -Bye.
Thanks for coming by. It was good seeing you.
-See you later. -See you!
Whew! Man!
We should have it shoot tranquilizers and shoot those two kids.
It's crazy.
-We gotta make another mechanism. -To dump all sour stuff on ourselves?
Hey, it does add a sense of competition.
It ups the stakes.
That means we need to pick teams, huh?
I'm the referee. It's amongst you four.
I was working with you all day.
I guess it makes sense if I'm teaming up with you.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Team chosen here. By default, it's you two against you two.
-Wait. What? -Too slow.
So it looks like it's me and Pat versus you two clowns.
I'm not scared.
I'm busy with the original contraption of throwing the fist.
Jackman, you wanna handle the vomit contraption?
-I can do that. -Everybody else back to work.
Just look at the way it goes down, rock beats scissors. Right?
Of course.
-But then paper beats rock? -Right.
I'm not buying it.
-It's a metaphor. -Yeah, but it's stupid.
If you seen paper and rock, which one would you think is tougher?
Rock is definitely tougher,
but for the rules of the game, you got to go with paper covers.
Otherwise, you choose rock every single time.
Win every time.
Once you got them smooth, throw a coat of paint on.
I have an idea.
-What color? -I wanna cover them with chips of wood.
Huh.
A normal person might look at these hands,
slap a coat of paint on them, call it a day.
Sometimes I wish I could do that
because believe me, I have better things to do than make stuff for brats.
But now that we've taken it this far, I just can't phone it in.
-Okay. Check it out. -Oh. Show me.
These are the tiles we're gonna glue on the face of this Styrofoam.
-You're kidding. -Is this my kidding face?
That's your everyday face.
Am I 99% sure these kids won't even care?
Absolutely.
But either way, an easy coat of paint just ain't gonna cut it.
Why is it always the easy way, and then your way?
It's for the kids.
You have a heart, man. It's small, but it's in there.
-Is this where the montage begins? -Roll the montage!
To serve as our adhesive, we mixed up some auto body filler.
That'll be good.
We're using it here because it's a strong adhesive that cures quickly.
We have a lot of fastening to do before these hands are ready to throwdown.
All right. So…
So now we need to make those handles more beefy.
-Yep. Nice, nice. -And we have some tubing here.
The first thing to do is to put it there.
So once we get the inside and outside,
we're gonna do a simple wrap here. We'll probably use some spray adhesive.
-Sounds like a plan. -Cool.
With rubber tubing, to give it some extra volume…
-It's strong. -Yeah.
…we'll wrap this leather around the handles
of each half of the scissors.
All right. Ready? Send it.
Add a single bolt in the middle, and there you have it.
-Et voila! -Let's see if these make the cut.
Give it a shot.
Just like that joke did.
-That's perfect. -That's so ridiculous.
Meet the Mega-5000 Super Scissors
you didn't even know you needed!
Ooh!
They cut paper!
They slice paper!
Standard 8.5x11 printer paper?
-No problem!
Try to lift them alone?
No way.
Big mistake!
Oh my…
-It weighs a ton. -It does weigh a lot.
They're Mega-5000 huge!
-Yeah. Let's go show it to Jimmy.
They're Mega-5000 Super Scissors!
Order now and get a free ream of 8.5x11 printer paper.
-Hey. Oh my God. Look at that. -Oh, bam!
-Wow. -How do you like these scissors?
How's that?
-It looks pretty good. -Thank you. Thank you.
-How heavy is it? -I'd say 50 pounds, maybe.
Here. You wanna try?
Oh jeez.
-They're heavy. -I don't know how this is gonna work.
-Say what? -Nothing.
The mechanism for the hand is now assembled,
but I'm getting worried about how much weight it could hold.
To test it, we're gonna loosely add the hand
to see how the lever performs…
-Watch out! -Oh my God.
…with some added weight.
Easy, easy.
Last thing I ever see.
Big stupid hand made out of wood chips. Whose idea was that?
-Looks good. -How's my hair?
Let it go. Let me try pulling it back.
No. You can't.
Okay. You can.
That's a lot. Gonna need some kind of support, help.
-If we had the bands on it… -Yeah. We need some big bands.
Anything could help.
-You guys see the original model? -Yeah.
How the weight comes back up.
We need something that acts like this rubber band.
I have a roll of exercise rubber.
I think it would work.
This exercise rubber, also known as resistance bands,
has a very high tensile strength.
That means it can stretch very far without breaking.
Even under a lot of pressure.
Let's just try this quickly as a test.
This is only a test.
Once it's stretched, the tension should help ease the weight on the lever.
See what happens when you go down, come back up.
Watch your face, Jackman.
Yeah. That's doing absolutely…
nothing.
-So we just need more. -Thirty more of those would be good.
Maybe.
We'll come up with something, but we know the concept works.
Perfect.
I'm working on the punishment mechanism here.
Concept is basically an A-frame with a seat that the loser's gonna sit on.
As long as we don't end up on that bench, I don't care how it works, dude.
The frame is built, but we need a slop dump system.
Slop it!
So I'm rigging this platform with two quick-release pins.
And dump it.
Then, I'm cutting down these trash cans and attaching them to the top.
Kind of garbage project, if you ask me.
It will soon be filled to the brim with gross, spoiled food,
like melted chocolate ice-cream, hot sauce, cauliflower,
basically all the stuff Derek hides in his beard.
-You like cauliflower? -Not on my head.
Slop it! Dump it! Dump it! Slop it! Slop it! Dump it! Dump it!
You finished over there?
Slop it! Slop it! Slop it!
Almost. Hey, come over here. See how it works.
-You wanna pull the trigger? -Wow. Nice job.
Let's try it for real. Got anything we could dump in there?
Is it three, two, one and then we do it, or is it on one?
Three, two, on one, yank it.
Three, two, one!
-Oh yeah. -It's pretty good.
-This melted chocolate will do this. -Yeah.
Plop, plop, plop.
-Graz, grab a broom. Get over here. -Janitor!
-What am I doing? -We tested it with the sweeping compound.
-It actually worked! -I feel bad for whoever loses.
You figure out your weight issue with the hands?
-Problems? -Problems.
I did. I added some springs, which will help counteract the weight.
Problem solved!
-You see this big, heavy spring? -Yeah.
That would be for a garage door. Then we have this little one under here.
It's holding the weight of the hand. For now.
-That's so much better. -Yeah.
Let me explain why this thing is working now.
Springs store potential energy when coiled.
As the coil expands, the tension creates kinetic energy,
which helps return the spring and the heavy hand
to its original position.
Is the weight of the scissors, is that--
I think it's definitely doable.
It's doable. We gotta button these up, get these finished.
We gotta get them ready for Chris and Malia.
All right. Let's do it.
-Let's go. -Okay. Need a hand?
-I do. -You have a giant one here.
-I got it! I got it! -There we go!
We've got a lot of work to do to get this contraption up and running.
Jackman is painting the chair of torture.
-It's beautiful. -Derek is painting one hand blue.
This is gonna have drips all over it.
Just rub it in the cracks. It's gonna look good once it dries.
And I'm, uh…
I'll let you take one guess at what I'm doing.
Not painting. I'm doing voice-overs. Can't you tell?
You guys wanted a TV show.
This is the punishment.
And now that we've exercised our inner Picasso,
we can attach these giant mitts to the throwing machine.
Looks like a monster's hand.
It does. It looks good.
If this doesn't do it, I don't know what will.
Hopefully those nitwits don't kill each other.
No. I think they're still gonna kill each other, but they look great.
-They look like rock, paper, and scissors. -They do.
They're pretty cool.
-Let's call it a night. -Good night.
Well done.
-Hey, Graz. -Graz.
Doesn't the janitor usually stay behind?
Jackman, is the punishment device ready to go?
It's all ready for these guys.
-What? -What?
Yeah. I made it sized just for you guys to sit down in the seat...
That's gonna be unfortunate because it's gonna * to sit on when you guys lose.
Let's be real. When Chris and Malia pop up on-screen, we're all gonna be losers.
-Great. -Ready, Derek?
-Ready? -Yeah.
Man the doors. Let's get Chris and Malia here.
Time to show them what Rock, Paper, Scissors on steroids looks like.
-Chris and Malia.
Yep.
-How are you guys? -Good.
-You guys are as excited to be here as me!
Do you remember what you asked for?
I wanted a Rock-paper-scissor machine!
Tell me a little bit more about what you expect to see.
I expect to see something big and something good.
I think we checked one of those boxes.
Yeah. That's what's up!
-What else did you want? -A punishment.
-Spoiled chocolate ice-cream.
-Pickles, cauliflower, throw-up!
Just adorable, aren't they?
We want to know what's behind that door!
-You guys ready to see this?
That's the enthusiasm I'm looking for.
Yes.
Are you ready to see this?
Show it to me!
All right, guys. You heard it! Hit it!
What?
Why is there smoke everywhere?
They just legalized it.
Oh my God!
Cool!
First, you can see the beautiful hands that me and Derek made.
We went with a beautiful artisanal tile design, mosaic style,
covering the foam with beautifully sliced wood.
We have a blue hand versus the red hand.
Those hands sit on top of a giant throwing machine,
and when we push the lever, the hands throw into the ring.
Then we know who won.
Moving on. Let's show you the beautifully crafted rock
made by Graz, Pat.
First, I just wanna say the rock is probably the coolest out of the three.
Everyone loves rocks.
Rocks are dumb.
Is it too late to "next" these kids?
For the rock, we crumpled up a bunch of paper,
surrounded it with canvas, painted it,
and then it looks like a big, giant rock as big as a rock.
That's a 1:1 scale.
-Really? -Dead on. I'm surprised too.
That guy loves rocks, huh?
Next up, we have the paper.
It's just a big sonotube wrapped in rope and canvas and foam.
Feels like toilet paper. What's more fun than a giant roll of toilet paper?
Next up, we have the scissors made, again, by Pat and Graz.
Fun fact. They weigh about 1,000 pounds, and they're gonna destroy the set.
Why did you have to make the scissors so heavy, Graz?
I was just gonna say that, Pat. That was good.
What about the torture machine?
The torture machine is right up on the grass,
waiting to humiliate the losers.
You wanna see this thing in action?
We're so ready!
All right, you heard 'em. It's game time.
Chris and Malia, welcome to the dumbest fight of the century.
We're ready to see the dumbest of the dumbest thing in history.
-Perfect! It's not dumb.
In the red corner,
weighing in at a combined weight of one and a half people,
is Canadian "Crazy Eyes" Pat
and John "Enough With the Short Jokes" Graziano.
In our blue corner, weighing more than they want to admit,
Derek "Nothing Beats Rock" Malden
and Paul "Two Ply" Jackman.
Yeah, I don't know what that means but okay.
The best two out of three wins
and avoid the chair of torture.
Yes!
Gentlemen, I expect a fair fight,
and I expect two of you to be fully humiliated.
-Yeah! -Let's throw down, guys!
Let's throw down!
-Let's do this!
The teams will now enter their respective corners in a very cool way.
Oh!
As well as a very uncool way, apparently.
Gentlemen, choose your weapons!
Let's do rock.
Remember how earlier you told everybody that you throw rock every time?
That's why they won't expect it.
Derek's gonna be trying to get Jackman to throw rock every time,
but I bet you Jackman's gonna throw something else like paper.
-I'm going rock. -No.
-Scissors. Feeling good? -Yeah. Sure.
-No. -Okay, gentlemen, are you ready?
-Yeah! -Yes!
One, two, three, shoot!
Whoa! Blue team is the winner of round one!
-They throw rock? -Yeah.
Blue team one!
-Come on! -Red team zero!
Yes! Losers!
Yeah. Could you guys help me?
-Oh!
Graz! I told you the scissors were gonna be too heavy!
Make a bigger handle!
-You guys need help? -No.
-I got it. -Losers.
-I got it. -Who do you think will win the next round?
Where's your money? -My money's on blue, dawg.
My money's on blue.
Rock wins every time.
I say we do rock.
Okay. But, I mean, I have a preference for the scissors.
Now they're gonna think that I'm not gonna throw it
because I was baiting them.
-I don't think they're that smart. -They're not.
Screw putting anything else up. It's too heavy.
-We'll just leave it up. Yeah. -Yeah.
Told you rock every time. You insist on paper.
Gentlemen, are you ready?
Yes!
Let's go!
One, a-two, a-three, shoot!
Whoa!
-Did we win? -The red team has won.
Yes!
No way they'd throw scissors again.
Blue team, one. Red team, one!
Booyah! Booyah!
Booyah!
Come back here.
The next point is the winner and avoids the chair of pain.
-We're gonna win! -Yeah.
-We're gonna win! -We're gonna win!
The loser of this round will sit in the chair of torture.
And will get pickles, melted ice cream,
cauliflower, hot sauce poured into their eyes and their mouth!
-Oh God!
-Are your machines set? -Let's do this!
-On one, on two, on three… -Yes!
Shoot!
Oh God!
-Did we win? -No. They drew rock!
-Rock beats scissors for the win! -Oh!
Gentlemen, you must sit in the chair of disappointment.
-What is it called?
Chair of torture.
Chair of disappointment.
-Graz and Pat, you know the rules.
It's time to go to the chair of pain, torture.
Can't remember it, no matter what.
-He's already gagging. -Rules are rules.
Do you want some, Pat?
That gross enough for you?
-Let's just get this over with.
-Dead men walking. -Yeah.
-Take a seat. Get comfy. -Get comfortable.
-It hurts us more than it's hurting you. -Hold hands.
Chris and Malia, count it down with me. Ready?
-Three, two… -Two, one!
Shoot!
-Yes!
Are you happy you humiliated two grown men on television?
-Yes. -Yes.
We're very proud of ourselves.
I'd say that's mission accomplished.
Mission accomplished! You did good!
I'm happy with this conclusion.
Go back to torturing your parents.
Okay.
-Losers clean up. Right? -Yep.
-This is kinda romantic. -Yeah.