Oh, shit.
Clay! Dougie Lewis.
We used to have the same agent back in the day.
Oh, yeah. Hey, Dougie, how you doin'?
Well, not great, you know?
Things have been a little... rough, to be honest.
You know, I haven't booked a job since I posted that manifesto,
- and a Ford Fusion is no place to live, so.
- Yeah. - I can't believe they let you back-
- on the lot after all that trouble you used to cause.
- Ah, yeah, I had to sign a crazy strict morals clause.
- Speaking of which... - Hey, you know what?
I'm actually here auditioning for a couple lines-
- on Chicago Hope: Miami.
I don't know if you know anybody over there...
- Oh, I really don't. I'm, uh... - That's why I got this suit, you know?
The guy at the garage sale wanted 40 bucks.
- I said, "I can't afford that." - Hey, Dougie, look.
I'm sorry your life *s,
- but I * someone I wasn't supposed to,
- so I have to get to wardrobe right now.
Okay. Roger that.
- Yeah. - Break a leg.
- So. - Oh!
You and my mom, doin' the deed.
Okay, if you need to hit me, go ahead.
Just don't break my nose, my septum's hanging on by a thread.
I'm not gonna hit you.
I just wanna know, man to man, do you like my mom?
Or do you like-like my mom?
- but I don't feel comfortable talking to you about any of this.
Cool... Cool.
I was just worried-
- 'cause if it was one of those "wham bam thank you, Mom" situations,
- she does not handle that well.
What do you mean?
She was dating this guy and he was using her,
- and she kinda smashed his windshield, and the neighbors had to call the police.
Whoa! No, no, no. None of that here. No, no.
Awesome!
My real mom and my TV dad dating. Uh, dreams come true much?
-
Good morning. Morning, morning, morning.
All right, let's get... Oh, hello, people I don't know.
Hi, Gordon. Gordon, uh... Everyone, this is Gordon.
He is the creator of the original show.
Also, technically, my father. Uh, Gordon, new writers.
Oh! Okay. Ah, good for us.
This one of those... diversity intern training things?
- Uh... - You know what?
Personally, I think it's a shame you're not getting paid-
- 'cause that's not right at all, but I will say this,
- the lessons you're gonna learn, invaluable.
Case in point:
Misunderstandings, always funny.
Example, guy's in a store and he's talking to a busty salesgirl...
Okay, stop!
No, Gordon, these are the writers-
- that I hired for the show before you decided to-
- join us. Yeah. - Oh.
Janae comes from the Harvard Lampoon,
- Benny is an amazing queer playwright,
- and Azmina wrote an amazing spec script,
- and fine, is also from the Disney diversity program.
What, no Eskimos?
Oh my god.
Wow.
Literal gasp.
Uh-oh. What? Did I just step in it?
Is... Is one of you part Eskimo?
- No, that's not the problem. - All right, good, good.
Hey, little fun fact.
I happen to be Eskimo brothers with Don Johnson.
Hey.
- Uh, did you read the rewrite? - No, not yet.
Yeah, they added a scene.
I just, just wanted to make sure you're okay with it?
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Oh, uh, well, you know, just, um... given our history.
You think that your mouth is a wormhole-
- and I'm gonna fall right back into 2005?
No, no! What? No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah, you do. I think you do. - Oh, I don't, I don't. I'm telling'...
No, this is fine, this is great.
- Okay. - This is great, Bree.
You're fine, I'm fine, uh.
Just worried about... oh, you know.
What?
You're going through a divorce right now.
You might be feeling a little bit lonely and vulnerable,
- which could, you know, lead to stirrings of old feelings.
You are being so condescending right now...
- No, no, honey, I'm not being condescending. - Yeah, you're doing it right now.
- Bree, I am not being... - Still doing it.
Still doing it.
Lana!
Oh, well, I guess I just got visited by the Spanx fairy then.
Sweetie, it's Hollywood.
There's not an actress over 40 raw dogging' it these days.
- Charming. - Just be careful wearing them on a date.
When a man undresses you,
- you expand like one of those mattresses in a box.
Well, I haven't had to worry about that in a while.
Why? Oh, sorry. Couldn't help but overhear.
Because I haven't been on a first date in 15 years.
That's since I was six years old.
Why is everyone trying to hurt me today?
Okay, look, we gotta fix this,
- take you out, help you meet some hot zaddies.
What are you doing tomorrow night?
I can't, I am so behind on Cupcake Wars.
I just heard myself. Where do you wanna go?
Let's get some dinner and then go someplace fun.
What do you wanna eat: Sushi or Mexican?
- Mexican. - I'd go for sushi.
- * off, Lana! - Ooh, somebody's hangry.
- Shorter? - Yeah.
- There's my guy. - Oh god.
Got a hot little tip for ya.
You know that special lady you've been crushing' on?
- You mean, your mom? - It's her birthday Saturday.
I scored us a res at the O-G, Olive Garden.
Let's just say if you were to show up at the table-
- with the never-ending breadsticks, she would not be mad.
Oh, hell yes. As long as it's not Saturday, I'm in.
Oh, I just said it was Saturday.
Oh, what about brunch on Sunday?
We need to find a way to bring Whitney and Josie closer.
Okay. What if... there's a, a hot delivery guy-
- and both girls are ordering all this stuff they don't even want-
- just so they can see the guy.
And then on the way out, there's, like, a big box,
- he trips over the box-
- 'cause hot plus clumsy, always funny.
- Right? - Yeah, so, in real life,
- people don't just magically trip over things-
- the exact moment you need them to.
They can if you write that.
I wanna do something less sitcom-y,
- or, you know, at least something that passes the Bechdel test.
What?
Something that passes the Bechdel test.
No, I heard her... I just don't know what the * that is.
- Guys, let's go easy on him. - He's old.
I heard that, too, Carrot Top.
Or Carrot Bottom, I don't wanna make assumptions.
To pass the Bechdel test,
- the script must have at least one exchange between two women-
- where they're not talking about a man.
Is she still talking'? 'Cause I dozed off.
This is probably too meta, but...
Oh my god.
This is exciting, she's got somethin' here.
What if they bond by talking about Alison Bechdel?
That's hilarious.
- Oh, I like that. - All right, I, I also get why it's funny.
Um, can I speak to you for a second outside?
Yeah.
What's the problem?
I was under the impression we're still making' a comedy.
Oh my god, just because they're not pitching, like, old-timey jokes-
- doesn't m... - No, no, no. They're not pitching jokes period.
So, comedy's evolved since you last wrote for television.
I mean, honestly, whole species have evolved.
Listen, we don't schlep in a live audience every week-
- so they can sit there and nod in thoughtful amusement.
We need them to actually laugh.
Yeah, I get it, and trust me, these writers are very funny.
I...
The bathroom is that way?
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, A-Azmina.
Funniest food?
Uh, I don't know. Uh, oatmeal.
Oatmeal... Aren't you embarrassed?
It's pickles.
Pickles?
Right, so, uh, where did we leave off yesterday?
Gordon pitched that Caitlyn Jenner joke and then you threw an orange at him.
- It was a tangelo. - Yeah, that's the important part.
Okay, right. I mean, uh, before that.
Uh, we talked about the fight you and your dad had in the kitchen.
And a lot of other fights you two have had.
And then we watched an episode of Yellowjackets.
I will admit I was a bit... thrown yesterday,
- but, today, we are...
Good news, everyone.
The comedy cavalry has arrived.
Good morning! Delivery from Jews 'R' Us.
Sorry we're late, we've been wandering in Palm Desert for 40 years.
Ignore these old *s.
They saw some actress out there-
- and they got their first hard-ons in 20 years.
Let me introduce everybody.
This is Alan, Bob, Selma.
Say hello to Benny, Janae, and Azmina.
Azmina... I think I take that for my gout.
Azmina, that's a Spanish name, if I'm not mistaken.
- Sorta. - My first wife was Latin.
Case you ever wonder why I'm scared of you.
Uh, kitchen?
All righty.
They're exactly what we need.
Oh, well, then I'm shocked they were available at a moment's notice.
Did you find them feeding birds in the park?
They're funny.
Every single one of those writers-
- has been making sitcoms since before you were born.
That's not a point in their favor.
We don't need a bunch of dinosaurs in the writers' room.
So funny you say that,
- Alan ran the last two seasons of Dinosaurs on ABC.
Yeah, again, "wrote for giant puppets" is not the mic drop you think it is.
Trust me, when it's late and we're tired,
- and we're stuck on that last page of a rewrite,
- you are gonna want pros like them.
They can come up with a joke that gets ya home every time.
They're legends.
And they're hipper than you think.
- Hey. - Nice kids,
- but Selma had this great * joke, went over like a fart in schule.
Also, uh, where can I find a fax machine?
Oh, hold up. We gotta meet the Queen Bree.
Queen Bree Marie Jensen, and she's single.
Can we, um, can we just tape this later-
- because, honestly, I'm feeling really gross right now,
- and according to wardrobe,
- I look like a cow if I'm not wearing Spanx.
How hilarious is she?
Hey, Bree... Uh, Reed, a moment.
I just came from a bullshit meeting at HR about what happened yesterday.
What happened yesterday?
Apparently, that's against company policy.
Oh my god, there was a meeting?
Oh my god, this is the greatest thing ever.
I'm supposed to make you feel comfortable because,
"We must all work together for a better tomorrow.
Walt Disney, where dreams come true."
- All right, great... - Just to be clear,
No, this is about Reed.
None of the executives made fun of you.
Okay, the only reason this happened is because I was reacting in character,
- as Lawrence, who was being aroused by his wife, Josie.
No, I don't think that's what it is.
What I think happened is that you're confused because of our history-
- and I think you still have feelings for me.
I do not still have feelings for you. I am in a committed relationship.
Right, with Nora, who's a real person in New York City.
Okay, you know what? Thank you so very much, Jerry,
- for bringing' this to my attention and reading this document.
I have had enough.
Oh, no, there's, there's somethin' else.
Uh, Dennis, where's the thing and the thing?
- Here you go. - Wh-What are we doin' now?
This is called a vajoga.
- as a protective barrier.
Um, Jerry, I don't think you are aware of just how hard Reed was yesterday.
I don't think that's gonna be enough protection.
Please kill me.
There's also this modesty sock.
Tell me more.
Well, you lace it around your member-
- and pull on the strap until you achieve a snug fit.
This is fun.
Well, I won't need a vajoga, and I won't need a sock-
- because after today, I may never get hard again.
Reed! Hey! Can I hide in your trailer?
Is this Zack's mom again?
Yeah, he found out, but he's not even pissed at me,
- and now that everyone's okay with it, uch, it just feels wrong.
So break it off with her.
Well... Zack told me she busted out some dude's windshield-
- for trying to cut and run, and I can't afford that kind of trouble.
Now we have to rehearse the scene... What if it happens again?
Just be a professional and go crank your hog first.
I'm not gonna pleasure myself at work, Clay.
That's practically all I do.
Why do you think I never know my lines?
Okay, it's, uh, 3:00-
- and we are still in the A scene.
That's because it took you guys an hour to decide where to get lunch.
And then an hour to complain about the lunch once it got here.
That meatloaf is, is still not sitting well with me.
- Oh my god. - Oh, what, what organ is-is right here?
Please don't die.
Then I'd be the schlockiest writer alive.
What about Murray Klein?
Murray Klein died on a sound stage just like all his pictures.
He should rest in peace.
Terrible writer, but a fantastic lay.
Oh, sweet Jesus. Okay, can we, can we please get back to the story?
All right.
Cody is broke, why is he broke?
Crippling student loans.
Inflation. Gas prices.
He, He lost his job because he falls asleep whenever he hears a bell.
What?
What do you mean "what?" Obviously, he's been hypnotized.
Thank you.
When I was on the Lampoon...
Okay, that's four.
I count five.
What, what about, um, crypto or an NFT?
What the hell is an NFT?
What if Cody loses his shirt playing' the ponies?
So, he's addicted to gambling and he supports animal abuse.
I thought * people were supposed to be fun.
I'm gonna order you some of those boxer briefs in fun colors.
Ooh, thank you.
I like it 'cause you don't see a panty line on TV.
Yeah.
Hey, guys. We got a little situation here.
This dude's from corporate HR.
Hi, I'm, uh, Tony Fingerton.
Well, hello, Mr. Fingerton.
May I offer you some grapes or a Go-Gurt?
Oh, yeah, uh, sure. Uh, both would be...
No. We're not gonna give this creep anything.
Wait 'til you hear what he has to say.
Fine.
Uh, uh, we've, uh, received word of, um, unreported on-set romance,
- which goes against, um,
- s... uh, section four of the employee conduct handbook.
But she's not even an employee.
- W... Uh, well, um... - That's what I said,
- but he said it's a problem because you were a minor-
- when your mom and I originally met.
Correct. I-I-I'm sorry, but if you don't end the relationship,
- we will find Mr. Barber in violation of his contract-
- and he will be terminated immediately.
- Oh my. - What?! That's B.S.!
Language.
Aw, man, bro.
You've got a tough decision to make.
Hello.
Look, I am so upset about this whole HR situation,
- but you know the rules... - Stop it.
I knew the whole thing was fake the minute "Mr. Fingerton" opened his mouth.
- What? - Clay.
- Okay, Susan, hold on. Don't get mad. I... - I'm not mad,
- but I am very disappointed.
Oh my god, that's so much worse.
Look, it's not what you think. I can explain,
- so there's no reason to start freaking' out and smashing windshields...
What?!
Wait, is that what Zack told you?
Oh, I see what's happening here.
Can I be vulgar for a moment?
You're asking' me?
Take care of yourself, Clayton.
But not too well.
She's a heck of a woman.
I probably would've chosen my career, too.
Well, it was neck and neck.
Thanks for being so cool to my mom.
It was great seeing her happy.
Well, she's a nice lady.
At least you're still my TV dad.
Yeah, well... see ya tomorrow.
Good night.
Look. Hey, I'm going' to get a hamburger after this,
- so if you wanna... - Seriously?
- Shotgun! - Hey, calm down, separate cars.
Right.
Race ya!
I can't believe I cried in front of everybody like that today.
- Can I ask you something? - Mm-hm.
Why did you and Reed break up?
Oh, we made each other crazy. In the good way and the bad way.
It was just too intense to last. Totally the opposite with my ex-husband.
Maybe that's why you ran off with him.
Yeah, I might have over-corrected.
So, today?
I think kissing Reed... took me back to the years-
- when someone made me feel *y... and loved.
And I got overwhelmed with how long it's been.
Well, not having that in your marriage must've been awful.
It, It was good in the beginning. Anders and I had a lot of nice times.
I got to wear a crown, they named an iceberg after me.
Wait, were they calling me cold?
- Well... - What?
...if it makes you feel any better,
- half of the guys on the crew wanna bang you.
Oh my god! No, they don't.
- Do they? - Yeah.
Even the cute grip who looks like Jesus?
You are an 11 out of 10.
If you were feeling yourself, you could take anybody-
- in this bar home tonight.
I think that is what you need to get yourself right again.
- Maybe you're right. - Mm-hm.
- Maybe I need to have hot, crazy, meaningless * with a stranger... - Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
- ...no strings attached... - Hello, ladies.
- Couldn't help overhearing... - Nope.
O-kay.
Can you not do that, please?
You want me to throw 'em on the floor?
That's where your nuts usually are.
I don't love how much you talk about Alan's genitals.
I'm sorry. Low-hanging' fruit.
How does she do it?
Okay, can we please get back to the story?
Okay? Anybody, Josie and Whitney?
All right, Josie and Whitney.
Were we too quick to dismiss the hot, clumsy delivery guy?
- No. - No. You've got to stop pitching that.
- I'm telling you, it'd work. - It's too sitcom-y.
- It's funny. - None of us laughed.
You know, between us, we have 150 years in this business-
- and you guys haven't laughed at anything coming from this side of the table.
I don't know, I laughed at some of the sounds coming out of Alan.
Story of my life. I love onions, they don't love me.
I'm telling you, it could be symptoms of something serious.
Uh, I'm sorry, I, I just think some of the jokes-
- you guys tell are a, a little c-corny.
Yeah, and a lot of them are wildly offensive.
They're like the ones my memaw tells at Thanksgiving.
She sounds funny. Does she have a...
Okay, yeah, I'm gonna just state the obvious.
So, we're coming from two entirely different planets here.
Listen, sometimes it takes a while for a room to come together.
We're never gonna come together.
Selma! Don't even.
Gimme four dildos and a metronome.
You are a broken woman.
Gordon, your writers and my writers have nothing in common.
So, don't you think that says something about us?
Says I know how to hire writers, nothing personal.
Seems personal.
You know... we've barely spoken for the last 25 years,
- so I think we were * crazy to think this could work.
Maybe this is not the place for that conversation.
Or maybe there's just nothing left to discuss... Yeah.
- Where you going? - Guys, I'm, I-I'm really sorry
I dragged you all into this, truly I am.
Gordon, you know what? You said this is your show,
- so do it your way.
- What, you're quitting? - Not much use in a room-
- full of people who can't agree on a single goddamn thing that's funny.
Ah! Ow, * me.
Don't laugh, you guys are *.
- Oh, my baby, are you okay? - No.
I'm talking to the garbage can.
I don't know why I'm laughing? I'm in so much pain.
Wait, wait, wait!
Josie should eat it like that in the kitchen scene.
- Ooh, absolutely! - Yeah!
Especially if she just finished giving some big, melodramatic speech.
And then she trips over an extension cord-
- 'cause Cody's got his computer plugged in and he's working' on one of those NFTs.
- Okay, Alan, I see you. - Yes!
I still don't know what it is, but I like that somebody's falling.
- Falling is always funny. - Yes. Falling's funny.
All right.
Well, uh, we should probably order some dinner.
Yes, how 'bout a nice deli platter from Nate 'n Al's?
- Ooh. - I do like their salami.
- I bet you do, you old *. - You are fun.
You know about salami, huh?
- Hello? - Hey.
I tried to catch up with you today, but they said that you took off.
Just, uh, wanted to check in in a, in a totally non-condescending way.
I'm doing better, thanks.
Good... Very good.
I also wanted to, uh, let you know that you were right.
Um... deep down, I was worried about,
- you know, whether I was gonna feel that old spark again-
- ever since I heard the show was coming back,
- and, obviously, I still felt it,
- and... uh, you literally did as well.
But I... just, uh, I just, uh, had a sense today that,
- uh, maybe you felt something too.
So, you know, if you wanted to talk about it.
You know what?
I appreciate you saying that,
- but I'm actually in a really good place right now.
Okay.
Glad to hear it.
Yeah... Good night, Reed.
Good night?
No!
-