You're both getting out today.
I still got eight months. This fool got four years left.
The governor's letting out a bunch of nonviolent
-inmates because of the Coronavirus. -I'll tell you what.
Give me that $40 and you can stay at my mom's place for a couple of nights.
Were either of you guys in D Block?
That's where my man is. Do you guys know a guy named Jack? He is 28 years old.
He says he looks like a cross between the Rock and...
-Alex Rodriguez. -Alex Rodriguez.
I'm sorry.
Is this even your dick?
That's my dick.
People panicked and scooped it all up, leaving the rest of us to improvise.
Had to throw away a perfectly good oven mitt last night.
I'm thinking after dinner we visit Melvin's place
I'm not going back to jail. So if we're going to do this, we need to do it right.
A lot of people in here believe there's no such thing as the perfect crime.
A perfect crime is a crime that nobody even knows happened.
-So, you got it? -Merry Christmas, Princess.
Holy shit.
You said you wanted more than to use, right?
Yeah, dude.
I got to start making bank if I'm gonna ride in style like you.
Check out this new jam. It's the tits.
Oh, shit.
Oh God.
That song is 26 years old and more relevant than ever.
With Coronavirus numbers on the rise, they got to "keep us separated."
President Trump announced yesterday that he'll--
Breakfast is ready!
Hey, save some of that for me. I want some greasy eggs, too.
She who makes the grease gets the grease.
So do we need to, uh...
-talk to God before we dig in, or...? -No, I only pray on Tuesdays.
I like to play hard to get.
Cathy Watkins, Rooster's old babysitter.
She was abusive.
She stopped giving me water after I peed in her purse.
Nah. Who else?
Joel Rubin, Rooster's teacher who suspended him in the fourth grade.
Which is why he still can't do short division.
-I could have been an astronaut. -Why did he kick you out?
Well, I flicked a booger on his back when he wasn't looking.
Look, I'm not robbing someone because they did
something bad to Rooster in retaliation for something he did.
Fine.
-Maybe we shouldn't be thinking so small. -What do you mean?
Those politicians you mentioned
who were dumping stocks while lying about the virus?
Turns out one of them is from around here. Congresswoman Paula Tackleberry.
Is there something wrong with your internet?
Not unless the neighbors didn't pay their "wee-fee" bill.
The computer in the prison library isn't this slow.
Of course it's not. Prisoners are probably just typing in "titties."
It doesn't take that long to find some random titties.
She typed in a specific name. It's going to take some time to find her.
So it always takes this long?
Yeah. I just type in my question and then kill some time
while the person on the other end looks it up.
Barb, there's no one on the other end.
Yeah, they probably got really fast robots looking through
phone books and encyclopedias.
Whatever. It's still a lot of phone books for a robot to flip through.
Mommy, what are the symptoms of the virus again?
I think we're okay as long as he's not coughing.
Oh, shit. He's got the Rona.
-Are you sure this is necessary? -We need to take you to get tested.
He's been breathing all over us since we got out of prison.
We all need to get tested.
She's right. I bet the free clinic does it for free.
Free clinic makes you give them too much info.
I don't like the idea of the government knowing my Social Security number.
Barb, the government already knows your Social Security number.
Not my new one, they don't. We'll drive to Mount Airy.
There's a place that tests people under the table for cash.
You're going downhill fast, man.
I heard that once you lose your sense of smell, you're done.
Ah. Thank you.
What?
There's still hope.
We could fill out the forms online, but since all we have is Barb's flip phone
and the world's first computer, we'll have to go old school.
Also, I think we were supposed to bring an animal with us.
That makes sense.
Vets can't legally test humans, so they got to keep up appearances.
Rooster go snag us a pet.
He has a way with animals.
The neighbors didn't let their kids play with him,
so he spent a lot of time bonding with the local wildlife.
He trained his cousin's chicken to scratch his back.
-Is that what you call him Rooster? -No.
In the kindergarten production of Annie,
he played Miss Hannigan's evil brother, Rooster.
He liked that name better than his own, so I let him keep it.
What's his real name?
Shit, it's been so long. I want to say Paul.
There you go, little fella.
-Bird? -Squirrel. Cute little guy.
Cough? Yes. Congestion? Yes.
Runny nose? Yes. Have you noticed a loss of fur and or feathers recently?
-What? -Wait a second.
Am I supposed to be asking these questions to Jack or the squirrel?
Probably the squirrel.
I'm gonna need a new form.
Don't man-handle that worm too much.
If it dies, I'm going to have to dig up another one,
and I don't like washing my hands twice in one day. It dries out my skin.
You know, she seems stressed, so I'm just giving him or her a little head tickle.
And a foot rub.
Oh, shit. Look who it is.
Oh, no. Melvin, please don't.
Rooster, what's up, buddy?
Look who's ridin' shotgun who I been having frequent sex with.
Leave it, leave it.
It's Wiggles, your old girlfriend, in case you ain't seen.
And I've been having frequent sex with her
-in case you ain't hear. -She's all yours, Melvin.
My son doesn't date strippers anymore.
That's a dumbass life choice.
I wonder if that nurse would give us a few Q tips to take home.
I haven't been able to get out and buy any since the pandemic hit.
Been cleaning my ears with the eraser end of a pencil.
If I die, will you try and contact my parents?
With what? A Ouija board? I thought your parents were dead.
Oh, yeah, that's right. They died in each other's arms in that tornado.
Was anything you told me while we were dating in prison the truth?
Or did you only whisper lies through the toilet?
I told the truth occasionally.
I only lied about my parents to protect your feelings.
After you told me your parents were dead, I didn't want to seem braggy.
Oh, God, I really hope I don't die. There's so many things I wanted to do
when I finally got out of prison. Dying was on the list,
-but it was way toward the end. -No, you better not die. If you die,
I'm left here trying to steal from a congresswoman with two morons.
Trust me. I'm not trying to say you're a genius, but at least
you haven't spent your whole life in some shit little town.
You lied about backpacking through Europe, didn't you?
I'm sorry, but lying is a slippery slope.
And I might not have lied about my parents being dead. They probably are.
I haven't seen them in a while.
Oh, good. Jack's home. Herb, put another pork chop on.
- Herb! - What?
Put your hands up. Don't move.
-Herb! Herb! -What?
-Herb! -What?!
-Where's Barb? -They're not gonna give us any Q tips,
so we're gonna try and steal some when they're not looking.
Okay. Let's try this again. Name. What's a good name for a squirrel?
Mr. Nuts is a funny name for a squirrel.
That is funny.
Okay. Mr. Nuts.
I woke up with a headache. I felt a little dizzy.
I thought it might be the Rona,
so I want to make sure I didn't give it to my pet worm.
Don't be afraid to go deep either. I dig it. Mmm, tickly.
But in a good way. Like a little nostril orgasm.
Is it my turn?
She has to go on the left hole
because the right one has a tiddlywink stuck in it.
-What's the plan? -I thought you were coming up with a plan.
I was giving the forms to Gloria.
You can't walk and think at the same time?
I don't know. I never tried.
I usually sit down when I have to think.
Aw. You get that from me.
Oh. Here she is. Let's see where they hide the Q tips.
Sketchy looking guy with a pet worm.
What do you think? Does he have it?
It is decidedly so.
Holy shit.
They're not really testing people.
They're taking the cash and making up the results.
Oh, man. That sucks.
Does it? Did you see in there?
They've got cash, a laptop, and I bet there's enough
Q tips to clean my ears till Christmas. And the best part?
They're douchebags, so your goody-two-shoes cell mate
will help us steal all of it.
We just found our next job.
You thought this was a wise wardrobe choice for your sentencing?
He didn't have a suit and wanted to avoid telling his parents
where he was going today and found this in their attic.
In their garage.
Son, have you ever heard that marijuana is a gateway drug?
Yes, sir, but I've never tried any other drugs.
Arlene, tell him what marijuana is a gateway to in my court.
-Prison. -Prison. It's a gateway to prison.
Arlene nailed it.
And the government has made my job very easy by instituting
mandatory minimum sentences for all drug-related crimes.
This is your second offense. The mandatory minimum is 15 years.
And since the drugs were confiscated within 1000 feet of a school,
that doubles it to 30 years.
Congratulations, son. You hit the-- Arlene?
-Jackpot. -She's on fire today.
Shouldn't we tape down the sides of the shower curtain?
I'm not made of tape.
Just make sure you cough, talk, and breathe up through the flue.
Got it. Sorry. Got it.
Show him the pictures we took at the vet's office, so he can come up with a plan.
That's funny. He's sending the bat flu up the chimney flue.
Probably how it got its name. In the Spanish flu,
I bet they put sick people in fireplaces and made them cough up the hole.
-And so they called the hole the flue. -That's not how...
-No. -Really? What makes you so smart?
Well, I don't know.
I went to college, if that's what you mean.
Oh, aren't you fancy or full of shit?
Don't meet a lot of ex-cons with college degrees.
Why are you looking at me? Mommy, why is she looking at me?
Because she thinks she's smart.
But let me ask you something, college girl.
Did you ever take any classes on the history of fireplaces?
-No. -I rest my case.
So, what do you think? You got a plan yet?
I think so.
I'll never rob places at 3:00 a.m. again. Streets are empty.
If someone sees you lurking that time of night, they know something's fishy.
The best time to rob a business is right after they close.
That way, if someone sees you trying to get in,
they assume you work there and don't call the cops.
Plus, I'm getting old and I'm sleepy by nine.
Hmm.
I'm telling you, there's no need to break a window or use a crowbar.
Most of your standard locks can be picked with a couple of paper clips
or even a bobby pin, if you know what you're doing.
See that door over there? Bet I can pick it in less than a minute.
-Hey. What are you doing? -Getting the good stuff.
Cracking a safe is just listening for clicks...
doing the math...
and having a little patience.
It's been too long. I'm worried he might have passed out or something.
-I'm going in. -Make sure you get the Q tips.
-What are you doing? -Nothing.
Is that furry nut muncher still in my glove box?
No.
-Open it. -Why?
Because I want to know if there's a squirrel in my glove box.
There isn't.
Okay. Okay. There's a squirrel in your glove box.
Damn it, Rooster. How many times do I have to
tell you that you cannot keep wild animals as pets?
But he wants to stay with me.
-I can see it in his eyes. -Fine. Open the glove box.
If he wants to be your pet, there's no point in keeping him locked up.
Okay.
See? He loves me.
This should work.
That was super uncool, Mommy.
It's gonna be all right. You're gonna be okay.
Well, that's a fly in the ointment we're going to have to swat.
Hello?
Is anyone here? Hello?
-Can we help you? -Are you the doctors?
I'm a doctor. He's my son.
-How come you get to be...? -Shh.
-I hit a squirrel. -What kind of squirrel? Grey?
-Please tell me it's not grey. -It's grey.
We'll do our best.
You guys still here?
-What's going on? -What was that?
-Who's out there? -Fine. Don't panic.
Just a couple of civilians. I got it covered.
Get the hell away from us, sickie. Quarantine. Quarantine.
I think we gotta give him mouth to mouth or something.
No one is putting their lips on that dirty-ass tree rat.
-but the squirrel is in a better place. -We can't just let him die.
You know, this is all your fault. Why couldn't you just let me keep him?
Because every time you've kept a wild animal as a pet, you've gotten hurt.
The raccoon gave you tetanus.
The baby deer gave you foot and mouth disease.
That damned chicken nearly poked your eye out when you fell asleep
and rolled over during a back scratch.
I'm your mom, and I need to protect you.
Hey, what was that thing you said before about mommy issues?
-She has them, doesn't she? -Um, actually, that would be you.
I'd say she has more of a codependent personality with a tendency towards
control and overprotectiveness that has resulted in your arrested development.
Oh, now you're blaming me for him getting arrested?
No, I'm not.
You don't have to protect me anymore, mom, and I can protect myself.
Not gonna let this little guy die.
Oh. Good.
I could've lived without seeing this.
Oh, shit. It's working.
-This thing's already coming in handy. -Is he gone?
He's gone.
Hey, Ma, come listen to this. My lip has a heartbeat.
I'll take your word for it.
Gloria, you find any info on the congresswoman yet?
I haven't tried. I'll do it in the morning.
Haven't tried? What the hell have you been doing on that thing?
Whoa. What's this?
I remember Trump on TV talking about a way to fight this virus.
Keep it to yourself, though. I think I only have enough of the two of us.
You're welcome.
-For what? -I found your parents.
Seriously? They're alive?
They live in a retirement home in San Diego.
You're not allowed to visit because of COVID.
But I did some digging, and your mom registered a tablet
two years ago, which means you can video chat with them.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Hold on. No.
I just want you to tell them if I die. I'm not ready...
I haven't talked to them in a really long time.
-How long? -Long.
After I went to prison, I refused to see them. I was too ashamed.
They wrote me letters for a while, but, uh...
after a few years of me not writing back, the letters stopped coming.
I can't. I don't even know what I'd say to them.
Say you've missed them. If my parents were still here, that's what I'd say.
No, don't. Hey! How do I stop it?
-Where's the mouse? -Hello?
Hello?
Who is that?
-What's going on? -My iTablet made a sound,
and now there's a man sitting in a little brick house staring back at me.
Mom?
Dad?
-Jack? -No, that's too old to be Jack.
Yeah. It's me.
It's so good to see you.
-Look at you, all grown. -Is that your cell?
Why is it so small? Did you misbehave?
No, I'm not in prison anymore. I'm in a fireplace. It's a long stor...
Jack, is that a wool sweater you're wearing?
I think so.
You know, when you were born, my mother gave you a wool blanket.
And you had such an allergic reaction, you ended up in the hospital.
We had to get all the wool out of the house.
-Really cold ankles that winter. -Allergic to wool.
Thank God.
To our health.
Hey, I'm not sick. I'm just allergic to wool.
So tell me everything. When did you move?
Six months ago. I'm already sick of the food.
And then your father said,
"What's pickleball? Sounds like a venereal disease."
I did. I did say that.
Okay. I've probably kept you up long enough.
I'll call you back tomorrow and we'll pick up where we left off, okay?
-You promise you're going to call? -Yeah, I promise.
-I love you. -We love you, too, Jackie boy.
Can you hang up? I'm still trying to figure out these buttons.
-Trying. -No. No, stop.
It's not. It's on the left.
Stop.
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome--
Do you own a car? Would you rather have to--
Get back in the saddle.
A local veterinary clinic has found itself
in a dog bowl full of hot water this morning
after administering fake COVID tests
and determining results via magic eight ball.
Baby, come look at this. This news lady has the earrings I want.
I was a little suspicious when my first test came back
"Reply hazy. Try again."
But when the second test came back "Outlook good," I didn't question it.
Then I woke up this morning to an envelope taped to my mailbox.
Had the cash in it that I paid for the test
and a note saying it was all fake.
So I called the police. The worst part is
I sent a lot of my friends there to get tested, and...
Well, I guess it wasn't decidedly so after all.
Why do you have a picture of Rooster's pecker?
I'm sorry. Who's pecker is that?
-I have a job interview today. -You're kidding.
-For what? -Oh, you're going to love this.
In prison I got a teaching degree online,
and there's an opening at the local high school.
How is any of this boring shit going to help us figure out how to
break into this woman's house and steal that painting?
We tap into her WiFi, and we got 24 hours surveillance inside her home.
Hey, Ma.
You still got that gun that I got you for Mother's Day?
It's in my underwear drawer. Why?