WEBVTT 00:00:01.916 --> 00:00:03.500 You're both getting out today. 00:00:03.583 --> 00:00:05.708 I still got eight months. This fool got four years left. 00:00:05.791 --> 00:00:07.833 The governor's letting out a bunch of nonviolent 00:00:07.916 --> 00:00:10.958 -inmates because of the Coronavirus. -I'll tell you what. 00:00:11.041 --> 00:00:14.458 Give me that $40 and you can stay at my mom's place for a couple of nights. 00:00:14.833 --> 00:00:16.583 Were either of you guys in D Block? 00:00:16.666 --> 00:00:21.125 That's where my man is. Do you guys know a guy named Jack? He is 28 years old. 00:00:21.208 --> 00:00:23.458 He says he looks like a cross between the Rock and... 00:00:23.541 --> 00:00:25.000 -Alex Rodriguez. -Alex Rodriguez. 00:00:25.083 --> 00:00:26.166 I'm sorry. 00:00:28.750 --> 00:00:30.458 Is this even your dick? 00:00:31.750 --> 00:00:32.458 That's my dick. 00:00:32.458 --> 00:00:35.250 People panicked and scooped it all up, leaving the rest of us to improvise. 00:00:35.333 --> 00:00:37.833 Had to throw away a perfectly good oven mitt last night. 00:00:37.916 --> 00:00:39.375 I'm thinking after dinner we visit Melvin's place 00:00:39.500 --> 00:00:43.083 I'm not going back to jail. So if we're going to do this, we need to do it right. 00:00:43.875 --> 00:00:46.125 A lot of people in here believe there's no such thing as the perfect crime. 00:00:46.625 --> 00:00:49.666 A perfect crime is a crime that nobody even knows happened. 00:01:03.250 --> 00:01:06.500 -So, you got it? -Merry Christmas, Princess. 00:01:08.416 --> 00:01:09.416 Holy shit. 00:01:09.500 --> 00:01:11.416 You said you wanted more than to use, right? 00:01:12.750 --> 00:01:13.625 Yeah, dude. 00:01:13.708 --> 00:01:15.958 I got to start making bank if I'm gonna ride in style like you. 00:01:16.041 --> 00:01:19.625 Check out this new jam. It's the tits. 00:01:25.791 --> 00:01:27.041 Oh, shit. 00:01:35.875 --> 00:01:37.000 Oh God. 00:02:22.708 --> 00:02:26.333 That song is 26 years old and more relevant than ever. 00:02:26.416 --> 00:02:30.416 With Coronavirus numbers on the rise, they got to "keep us separated." 00:02:30.500 --> 00:02:32.958 President Trump announced yesterday that he'll-- 00:04:11.250 --> 00:04:13.041 Breakfast is ready! 00:04:17.500 --> 00:04:19.708 Hey, save some of that for me. I want some greasy eggs, too. 00:04:19.791 --> 00:04:21.875 She who makes the grease gets the grease. 00:04:23.250 --> 00:04:25.750 So do we need to, uh... 00:04:25.833 --> 00:04:30.416 -talk to God before we dig in, or...? -No, I only pray on Tuesdays. 00:04:30.541 --> 00:04:31.833 I like to play hard to get. 00:04:32.833 --> 00:04:35.000 Cathy Watkins, Rooster's old babysitter. 00:04:35.083 --> 00:04:36.333 She was abusive. 00:04:36.416 --> 00:04:38.625 She stopped giving me water after I peed in her purse. 00:04:38.708 --> 00:04:39.541 Nah. Who else? 00:04:39.625 --> 00:04:42.750 Joel Rubin, Rooster's teacher who suspended him in the fourth grade. 00:04:42.833 --> 00:04:45.000 Which is why he still can't do short division. 00:04:45.083 --> 00:04:47.833 -I could have been an astronaut. -Why did he kick you out? 00:04:47.916 --> 00:04:50.250 Well, I flicked a booger on his back when he wasn't looking. 00:04:50.333 --> 00:04:52.250 Look, I'm not robbing someone because they did 00:04:52.333 --> 00:04:54.625 something bad to Rooster in retaliation for something he did. 00:04:55.291 --> 00:04:56.166 Fine. 00:05:08.375 --> 00:05:11.083 -Maybe we shouldn't be thinking so small. -What do you mean? 00:05:11.166 --> 00:05:12.458 Those politicians you mentioned 00:05:12.541 --> 00:05:15.375 who were dumping stocks while lying about the virus? 00:05:15.458 --> 00:05:18.958 Turns out one of them is from around here. Congresswoman Paula Tackleberry. 00:05:27.333 --> 00:05:29.208 Is there something wrong with your internet? 00:05:29.291 --> 00:05:31.625 Not unless the neighbors didn't pay their "wee-fee" bill. 00:05:31.708 --> 00:05:34.125 The computer in the prison library isn't this slow. 00:05:34.208 --> 00:05:37.791 Of course it's not. Prisoners are probably just typing in "titties." 00:05:37.875 --> 00:05:40.583 It doesn't take that long to find some random titties. 00:05:40.666 --> 00:05:44.250 She typed in a specific name. It's going to take some time to find her. 00:05:44.333 --> 00:05:46.166 So it always takes this long? 00:05:46.250 --> 00:05:49.333 Yeah. I just type in my question and then kill some time 00:05:49.416 --> 00:05:51.083 while the person on the other end looks it up. 00:05:51.166 --> 00:05:52.833 Barb, there's no one on the other end. 00:05:52.916 --> 00:05:54.791 Yeah, they probably got really fast robots looking through 00:05:54.875 --> 00:05:55.833 phone books and encyclopedias. 00:05:55.916 --> 00:05:59.583 Whatever. It's still a lot of phone books for a robot to flip through. 00:06:03.791 --> 00:06:05.708 Mommy, what are the symptoms of the virus again? 00:06:05.791 --> 00:06:08.000 I think we're okay as long as he's not coughing. 00:06:21.125 --> 00:06:23.125 Oh, shit. He's got the Rona. 00:07:12.416 --> 00:07:16.041 -Are you sure this is necessary? -We need to take you to get tested. 00:07:16.125 --> 00:07:18.375 He's been breathing all over us since we got out of prison. 00:07:18.458 --> 00:07:19.625 We all need to get tested. 00:07:19.708 --> 00:07:22.625 She's right. I bet the free clinic does it for free. 00:07:22.750 --> 00:07:25.166 Free clinic makes you give them too much info. 00:07:25.375 --> 00:07:28.708 I don't like the idea of the government knowing my Social Security number. 00:07:28.833 --> 00:07:31.250 Barb, the government already knows your Social Security number. 00:07:31.333 --> 00:07:34.416 Not my new one, they don't. We'll drive to Mount Airy. 00:07:34.500 --> 00:07:37.333 There's a place that tests people under the table for cash. 00:07:39.583 --> 00:07:41.250 You're going downhill fast, man. 00:07:41.291 --> 00:07:43.875 I heard that once you lose your sense of smell, you're done. 00:07:47.250 --> 00:07:48.708 Ah. Thank you. 00:07:49.250 --> 00:07:50.250 What? 00:07:57.708 --> 00:07:58.958 There's still hope. 00:08:15.541 --> 00:08:19.166 We could fill out the forms online, but since all we have is Barb's flip phone 00:08:19.250 --> 00:08:21.916 and the world's first computer, we'll have to go old school. 00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:24.208 Also, I think we were supposed to bring an animal with us. 00:08:24.291 --> 00:08:25.541 That makes sense. 00:08:25.625 --> 00:08:28.958 Vets can't legally test humans, so they got to keep up appearances. 00:08:29.041 --> 00:08:31.000 Rooster go snag us a pet. 00:08:36.375 --> 00:08:37.791 He has a way with animals. 00:08:38.500 --> 00:08:40.958 The neighbors didn't let their kids play with him, 00:08:41.041 --> 00:08:44.041 so he spent a lot of time bonding with the local wildlife. 00:08:44.125 --> 00:08:46.375 He trained his cousin's chicken to scratch his back. 00:08:46.458 --> 00:08:48.000 -Is that what you call him Rooster? -No. 00:08:48.083 --> 00:08:50.500 In the kindergarten production of Annie, 00:08:50.583 --> 00:08:53.291 he played Miss Hannigan's evil brother, Rooster. 00:08:53.375 --> 00:08:56.583 He liked that name better than his own, so I let him keep it. 00:08:56.666 --> 00:08:58.250 What's his real name? 00:08:59.791 --> 00:09:04.958 Shit, it's been so long. I want to say Paul. 00:09:11.875 --> 00:09:13.750 There you go, little fella. 00:09:14.500 --> 00:09:17.875 -Bird? -Squirrel. Cute little guy. 00:09:19.458 --> 00:09:22.125 Cough? Yes. Congestion? Yes. 00:09:23.541 --> 00:09:28.708 Runny nose? Yes. Have you noticed a loss of fur and or feathers recently? 00:09:28.791 --> 00:09:30.083 -What? -Wait a second. 00:09:30.166 --> 00:09:32.666 Am I supposed to be asking these questions to Jack or the squirrel? 00:09:32.750 --> 00:09:34.166 Probably the squirrel. 00:09:35.958 --> 00:09:37.666 I'm gonna need a new form. 00:09:40.125 --> 00:09:42.041 Don't man-handle that worm too much. 00:09:42.125 --> 00:09:43.916 If it dies, I'm going to have to dig up another one, 00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:47.166 and I don't like washing my hands twice in one day. It dries out my skin. 00:09:47.250 --> 00:09:51.541 You know, she seems stressed, so I'm just giving him or her a little head tickle. 00:09:52.333 --> 00:09:53.375 And a foot rub. 00:09:54.541 --> 00:09:56.791 Oh, shit. Look who it is. 00:09:56.875 --> 00:09:58.833 Oh, no. Melvin, please don't. 00:09:58.916 --> 00:10:00.208 Rooster, what's up, buddy? 00:10:00.291 --> 00:10:02.791 Look who's ridin' shotgun who I been having frequent sex with. 00:10:02.875 --> 00:10:04.166 Leave it, leave it. 00:10:04.250 --> 00:10:07.208 It's Wiggles, your old girlfriend, in case you ain't seen. 00:10:07.291 --> 00:10:08.833 And I've been having frequent sex with her 00:10:08.916 --> 00:10:11.166 -in case you ain't hear. -She's all yours, Melvin. 00:10:11.250 --> 00:10:13.541 My son doesn't date strippers anymore. 00:10:13.625 --> 00:10:15.333 That's a dumbass life choice. 00:10:20.541 --> 00:10:24.375 I wonder if that nurse would give us a few Q tips to take home. 00:10:24.791 --> 00:10:27.958 I haven't been able to get out and buy any since the pandemic hit. 00:10:28.041 --> 00:10:30.666 Been cleaning my ears with the eraser end of a pencil. 00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:37.833 If I die, will you try and contact my parents? 00:10:37.958 --> 00:10:41.000 With what? A Ouija board? I thought your parents were dead. 00:10:41.083 --> 00:10:46.875 Oh, yeah, that's right. They died in each other's arms in that tornado. 00:10:49.166 --> 00:10:52.083 Was anything you told me while we were dating in prison the truth? 00:10:52.166 --> 00:10:54.083 Or did you only whisper lies through the toilet? 00:10:54.166 --> 00:10:55.750 I told the truth occasionally. 00:10:55.833 --> 00:10:58.416 I only lied about my parents to protect your feelings. 00:10:58.500 --> 00:11:01.166 After you told me your parents were dead, I didn't want to seem braggy. 00:11:02.916 --> 00:11:06.833 Oh, God, I really hope I don't die. There's so many things I wanted to do 00:11:06.916 --> 00:11:09.708 when I finally got out of prison. Dying was on the list, 00:11:09.791 --> 00:11:13.666 -but it was way toward the end. -No, you better not die. If you die, 00:11:13.750 --> 00:11:17.333 I'm left here trying to steal from a congresswoman with two morons. 00:11:17.416 --> 00:11:19.583 Trust me. I'm not trying to say you're a genius, but at least 00:11:19.666 --> 00:11:22.375 you haven't spent your whole life in some shit little town. 00:11:24.208 --> 00:11:26.500 You lied about backpacking through Europe, didn't you? 00:11:26.583 --> 00:11:29.583 I'm sorry, but lying is a slippery slope. 00:11:29.875 --> 00:11:33.250 And I might not have lied about my parents being dead. They probably are. 00:11:33.875 --> 00:11:35.583 I haven't seen them in a while. 00:11:55.750 --> 00:12:00.291 Oh, good. Jack's home. Herb, put another pork chop on. 00:12:03.666 --> 00:12:05.000 - Herb! - What? 00:12:05.083 --> 00:12:06.000 Put your hands up. Don't move. 00:12:06.083 --> 00:12:08.083 -Herb! Herb! -What? 00:12:08.166 --> 00:12:09.541 -Herb! -What?! 00:12:17.916 --> 00:12:20.125 -Where's Barb? -They're not gonna give us any Q tips, 00:12:20.208 --> 00:12:22.000 so we're gonna try and steal some when they're not looking. 00:12:22.083 --> 00:12:28.791 Okay. Let's try this again. Name. What's a good name for a squirrel? 00:12:32.125 --> 00:12:34.625 Mr. Nuts is a funny name for a squirrel. 00:12:36.625 --> 00:12:38.041 That is funny. 00:12:39.125 --> 00:12:40.541 Okay. Mr. Nuts. 00:12:44.125 --> 00:12:46.541 I woke up with a headache. I felt a little dizzy. 00:12:46.625 --> 00:12:47.666 I thought it might be the Rona, 00:12:47.750 --> 00:12:49.750 so I want to make sure I didn't give it to my pet worm. 00:12:52.416 --> 00:12:56.375 Don't be afraid to go deep either. I dig it. Mmm, tickly. 00:12:56.458 --> 00:12:58.666 But in a good way. Like a little nostril orgasm. 00:13:00.500 --> 00:13:01.625 Is it my turn? 00:13:01.708 --> 00:13:03.000 She has to go on the left hole 00:13:03.041 --> 00:13:04.875 because the right one has a tiddlywink stuck in it. 00:13:09.333 --> 00:13:12.208 -What's the plan? -I thought you were coming up with a plan. 00:13:13.041 --> 00:13:14.625 I was giving the forms to Gloria. 00:13:14.708 --> 00:13:16.500 You can't walk and think at the same time? 00:13:16.583 --> 00:13:17.666 I don't know. I never tried. 00:13:17.750 --> 00:13:19.375 I usually sit down when I have to think. 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:22.041 Aw. You get that from me. 00:13:24.166 --> 00:13:28.083 Oh. Here she is. Let's see where they hide the Q tips. 00:13:29.208 --> 00:13:31.041 Sketchy looking guy with a pet worm. 00:13:31.125 --> 00:13:33.041 What do you think? Does he have it? 00:13:35.125 --> 00:13:36.750 It is decidedly so. 00:13:42.625 --> 00:13:44.208 Holy shit. 00:13:46.458 --> 00:13:48.500 They're not really testing people. 00:13:48.583 --> 00:13:51.000 They're taking the cash and making up the results. 00:13:51.083 --> 00:13:52.500 Oh, man. That sucks. 00:13:52.583 --> 00:13:54.541 Does it? Did you see in there? 00:13:54.625 --> 00:13:57.666 They've got cash, a laptop, and I bet there's enough 00:13:57.750 --> 00:14:00.458 Q tips to clean my ears till Christmas. And the best part? 00:14:00.541 --> 00:14:03.291 They're douchebags, so your goody-two-shoes cell mate 00:14:03.375 --> 00:14:04.833 will help us steal all of it. 00:14:05.791 --> 00:14:08.125 We just found our next job. 00:14:21.166 --> 00:14:23.875 You thought this was a wise wardrobe choice for your sentencing? 00:14:23.958 --> 00:14:26.625 He didn't have a suit and wanted to avoid telling his parents 00:14:26.708 --> 00:14:29.791 where he was going today and found this in their attic. 00:14:33.125 --> 00:14:34.125 In their garage. 00:14:34.208 --> 00:14:37.458 Son, have you ever heard that marijuana is a gateway drug? 00:14:37.541 --> 00:14:39.166 Yes, sir, but I've never tried any other drugs. 00:14:39.250 --> 00:14:42.708 Arlene, tell him what marijuana is a gateway to in my court. 00:14:42.791 --> 00:14:45.583 -Prison. -Prison. It's a gateway to prison. 00:14:45.666 --> 00:14:47.041 Arlene nailed it. 00:14:47.125 --> 00:14:50.250 And the government has made my job very easy by instituting 00:14:50.333 --> 00:14:53.541 mandatory minimum sentences for all drug-related crimes. 00:14:53.625 --> 00:14:57.166 This is your second offense. The mandatory minimum is 15 years. 00:14:57.250 --> 00:15:00.625 And since the drugs were confiscated within 1000 feet of a school, 00:15:00.708 --> 00:15:02.875 that doubles it to 30 years. 00:15:04.250 --> 00:15:07.125 Congratulations, son. You hit the-- Arlene? 00:15:07.208 --> 00:15:10.708 -Jackpot. -She's on fire today. 00:15:17.333 --> 00:15:20.041 Shouldn't we tape down the sides of the shower curtain? 00:15:20.125 --> 00:15:21.666 I'm not made of tape. 00:15:22.000 --> 00:15:25.291 Just make sure you cough, talk, and breathe up through the flue. 00:15:25.375 --> 00:15:28.291 Got it. Sorry. Got it. 00:15:28.375 --> 00:15:31.458 Show him the pictures we took at the vet's office, so he can come up with a plan. 00:15:34.291 --> 00:15:39.000 That's funny. He's sending the bat flu up the chimney flue. 00:15:40.083 --> 00:15:43.541 Probably how it got its name. In the Spanish flu, 00:15:43.916 --> 00:15:48.541 I bet they put sick people in fireplaces and made them cough up the hole. 00:15:48.625 --> 00:15:52.041 -And so they called the hole the flue. -That's not how... 00:15:52.958 --> 00:15:56.625 -No. -Really? What makes you so smart? 00:15:56.708 --> 00:15:57.625 Well, I don't know. 00:15:57.708 --> 00:15:59.208 I went to college, if that's what you mean. 00:15:59.291 --> 00:16:01.791 Oh, aren't you fancy or full of shit? 00:16:01.875 --> 00:16:04.375 Don't meet a lot of ex-cons with college degrees. 00:16:04.666 --> 00:16:08.166 Why are you looking at me? Mommy, why is she looking at me? 00:16:08.250 --> 00:16:09.583 Because she thinks she's smart. 00:16:09.666 --> 00:16:11.750 But let me ask you something, college girl. 00:16:11.958 --> 00:16:14.666 Did you ever take any classes on the history of fireplaces? 00:16:14.750 --> 00:16:16.666 -No. -I rest my case. 00:16:20.500 --> 00:16:22.833 So, what do you think? You got a plan yet? 00:16:24.375 --> 00:16:25.583 I think so. 00:16:33.416 --> 00:16:37.416 I'll never rob places at 3:00 a.m. again. Streets are empty. 00:16:37.500 --> 00:16:40.791 If someone sees you lurking that time of night, they know something's fishy. 00:16:41.083 --> 00:16:44.500 The best time to rob a business is right after they close. 00:16:44.583 --> 00:16:46.166 That way, if someone sees you trying to get in, 00:16:46.250 --> 00:16:49.041 they assume you work there and don't call the cops. 00:16:49.500 --> 00:16:52.083 Plus, I'm getting old and I'm sleepy by nine. 00:16:52.166 --> 00:16:53.250 Hmm. 00:16:57.958 --> 00:17:01.041 I'm telling you, there's no need to break a window or use a crowbar. 00:17:01.125 --> 00:17:04.208 Most of your standard locks can be picked with a couple of paper clips 00:17:04.291 --> 00:17:06.875 or even a bobby pin, if you know what you're doing. 00:17:07.958 --> 00:17:11.250 See that door over there? Bet I can pick it in less than a minute. 00:17:43.916 --> 00:17:46.250 -Hey. What are you doing? -Getting the good stuff. 00:17:53.125 --> 00:17:55.791 Cracking a safe is just listening for clicks... 00:17:57.625 --> 00:17:58.958 doing the math... 00:18:00.416 --> 00:18:03.250 and having a little patience. 00:18:07.000 --> 00:18:10.708 It's been too long. I'm worried he might have passed out or something. 00:18:10.791 --> 00:18:13.500 -I'm going in. -Make sure you get the Q tips. 00:18:25.250 --> 00:18:28.041 -What are you doing? -Nothing. 00:18:29.250 --> 00:18:32.458 Is that furry nut muncher still in my glove box? 00:18:32.541 --> 00:18:33.666 No. 00:18:33.750 --> 00:18:34.791 -Open it. -Why? 00:18:34.875 --> 00:18:38.333 Because I want to know if there's a squirrel in my glove box. 00:18:38.416 --> 00:18:39.541 There isn't. 00:18:40.166 --> 00:18:43.208 Okay. Okay. There's a squirrel in your glove box. 00:18:43.291 --> 00:18:45.666 Damn it, Rooster. How many times do I have to 00:18:45.708 --> 00:18:49.166 tell you that you cannot keep wild animals as pets? 00:18:49.250 --> 00:18:51.083 But he wants to stay with me. 00:18:51.833 --> 00:18:56.166 -I can see it in his eyes. -Fine. Open the glove box. 00:18:56.625 --> 00:18:59.916 If he wants to be your pet, there's no point in keeping him locked up. 00:19:01.791 --> 00:19:02.750 Okay. 00:19:12.833 --> 00:19:16.166 See? He loves me. 00:19:24.500 --> 00:19:26.291 This should work. 00:19:26.375 --> 00:19:28.291 That was super uncool, Mommy. 00:19:36.791 --> 00:19:38.625 It's gonna be all right. You're gonna be okay. 00:19:38.708 --> 00:19:42.291 Well, that's a fly in the ointment we're going to have to swat. 00:19:43.083 --> 00:19:43.916 Hello? 00:19:44.958 --> 00:19:45.666 Is anyone here? Hello? 00:19:47.291 --> 00:19:49.333 -Can we help you? -Are you the doctors? 00:19:50.041 --> 00:19:52.666 I'm a doctor. He's my son. 00:19:52.750 --> 00:19:54.041 -How come you get to be...? -Shh. 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:56.083 -I hit a squirrel. -What kind of squirrel? Grey? 00:19:56.166 --> 00:19:57.875 -Please tell me it's not grey. -It's grey. 00:19:59.208 --> 00:20:00.875 We'll do our best. 00:20:05.875 --> 00:20:06.750 You guys still here? 00:20:07.500 --> 00:20:09.083 -What's going on? -What was that? 00:20:09.166 --> 00:20:11.291 -Who's out there? -Fine. Don't panic. 00:20:11.375 --> 00:20:13.250 Just a couple of civilians. I got it covered. 00:20:13.916 --> 00:20:17.375 Get the hell away from us, sickie. Quarantine. Quarantine. 00:20:17.875 --> 00:20:19.916 I think we gotta give him mouth to mouth or something. 00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:21.333 No one is putting their lips on that dirty-ass tree rat. 00:20:21.333 --> 00:20:23.208 -but the squirrel is in a better place. -We can't just let him die. 00:20:23.958 --> 00:20:26.416 You know, this is all your fault. Why couldn't you just let me keep him? 00:20:26.500 --> 00:20:31.083 Because every time you've kept a wild animal as a pet, you've gotten hurt. 00:20:31.166 --> 00:20:33.041 The raccoon gave you tetanus. 00:20:33.125 --> 00:20:35.583 The baby deer gave you foot and mouth disease. 00:20:35.666 --> 00:20:38.541 That damned chicken nearly poked your eye out when you fell asleep 00:20:38.625 --> 00:20:40.458 and rolled over during a back scratch. 00:20:41.708 --> 00:20:44.500 I'm your mom, and I need to protect you. 00:20:44.583 --> 00:20:46.708 Hey, what was that thing you said before about mommy issues? 00:20:46.791 --> 00:20:49.500 -She has them, doesn't she? -Um, actually, that would be you. 00:20:49.583 --> 00:20:53.708 I'd say she has more of a codependent personality with a tendency towards 00:20:53.791 --> 00:20:57.708 control and overprotectiveness that has resulted in your arrested development. 00:20:57.791 --> 00:20:59.875 Oh, now you're blaming me for him getting arrested? 00:20:59.958 --> 00:21:01.083 No, I'm not. 00:21:01.166 --> 00:21:04.000 You don't have to protect me anymore, mom, and I can protect myself. 00:21:06.666 --> 00:21:08.875 Not gonna let this little guy die. 00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:11.333 Oh. Good. 00:21:12.083 --> 00:21:14.000 I could've lived without seeing this. 00:21:17.291 --> 00:21:19.125 Oh, shit. It's working. 00:21:31.291 --> 00:21:34.041 -This thing's already coming in handy. -Is he gone? 00:21:53.041 --> 00:21:54.166 He's gone. 00:21:57.125 --> 00:21:59.541 Hey, Ma, come listen to this. My lip has a heartbeat. 00:21:59.625 --> 00:22:01.125 I'll take your word for it. 00:22:01.208 --> 00:22:03.875 Gloria, you find any info on the congresswoman yet? 00:22:03.958 --> 00:22:05.875 I haven't tried. I'll do it in the morning. 00:22:05.958 --> 00:22:08.541 Haven't tried? What the hell have you been doing on that thing? 00:22:09.791 --> 00:22:11.041 Whoa. What's this? 00:22:11.916 --> 00:22:15.833 I remember Trump on TV talking about a way to fight this virus. 00:22:16.541 --> 00:22:21.291 Keep it to yourself, though. I think I only have enough of the two of us. 00:22:31.250 --> 00:22:32.125 You're welcome. 00:22:32.208 --> 00:22:34.583 -For what? -I found your parents. 00:22:34.666 --> 00:22:36.791 Seriously? They're alive? 00:22:36.875 --> 00:22:38.833 They live in a retirement home in San Diego. 00:22:38.916 --> 00:22:40.791 You're not allowed to visit because of COVID. 00:22:40.875 --> 00:22:43.416 But I did some digging, and your mom registered a tablet 00:22:43.500 --> 00:22:45.666 two years ago, which means you can video chat with them. 00:22:47.291 --> 00:22:48.958 Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Hold on. No. 00:22:49.041 --> 00:22:53.000 I just want you to tell them if I die. I'm not ready... 00:22:53.625 --> 00:22:56.333 I haven't talked to them in a really long time. 00:22:57.333 --> 00:22:59.333 -How long? -Long. 00:23:00.458 --> 00:23:05.125 After I went to prison, I refused to see them. I was too ashamed. 00:23:05.500 --> 00:23:07.583 They wrote me letters for a while, but, uh... 00:23:07.833 --> 00:23:11.583 after a few years of me not writing back, the letters stopped coming. 00:23:12.875 --> 00:23:16.375 I can't. I don't even know what I'd say to them. 00:23:17.541 --> 00:23:22.250 Say you've missed them. If my parents were still here, that's what I'd say. 00:23:24.375 --> 00:23:24.875 No, don't. Hey! How do I stop it? 00:23:24.875 --> 00:23:25.666 No, don't. Hey! How do I stop it? 00:23:32.250 --> 00:23:34.375 -Where's the mouse? -Hello? 00:23:34.458 --> 00:23:35.625 Hello? 00:23:36.291 --> 00:23:37.666 Who is that? 00:23:39.416 --> 00:23:42.875 -What's going on? -My iTablet made a sound, 00:23:42.958 --> 00:23:48.708 and now there's a man sitting in a little brick house staring back at me. 00:23:50.375 --> 00:23:51.208 Mom? 00:23:52.500 --> 00:23:53.333 Dad? 00:23:56.083 --> 00:23:59.208 -Jack? -No, that's too old to be Jack. 00:23:59.291 --> 00:24:02.083 Yeah. It's me. 00:24:08.583 --> 00:24:10.833 It's so good to see you. 00:24:12.625 --> 00:24:16.541 -Look at you, all grown. -Is that your cell? 00:24:16.958 --> 00:24:19.125 Why is it so small? Did you misbehave? 00:24:19.208 --> 00:24:24.166 No, I'm not in prison anymore. I'm in a fireplace. It's a long stor... 00:24:27.458 --> 00:24:30.083 Jack, is that a wool sweater you're wearing? 00:24:31.041 --> 00:24:32.250 I think so. 00:24:32.333 --> 00:24:36.083 You know, when you were born, my mother gave you a wool blanket. 00:24:36.166 --> 00:24:41.083 And you had such an allergic reaction, you ended up in the hospital. 00:24:41.708 --> 00:24:43.791 We had to get all the wool out of the house. 00:24:43.875 --> 00:24:48.125 -Really cold ankles that winter. -Allergic to wool. 00:24:48.708 --> 00:24:49.750 Thank God. 00:24:51.708 --> 00:24:52.916 To our health. 00:24:54.083 --> 00:24:57.541 Hey, I'm not sick. I'm just allergic to wool. 00:24:58.458 --> 00:25:00.916 So tell me everything. When did you move? 00:25:01.000 --> 00:25:03.958 Six months ago. I'm already sick of the food. 00:25:06.125 --> 00:25:07.708 And then your father said, 00:25:07.791 --> 00:25:10.875 "What's pickleball? Sounds like a venereal disease." 00:25:11.833 --> 00:25:13.583 I did. I did say that. 00:25:14.333 --> 00:25:16.666 Okay. I've probably kept you up long enough. 00:25:16.750 --> 00:25:19.541 I'll call you back tomorrow and we'll pick up where we left off, okay? 00:25:19.625 --> 00:25:22.666 -You promise you're going to call? -Yeah, I promise. 00:25:25.333 --> 00:25:29.125 -I love you. -We love you, too, Jackie boy. 00:25:35.458 --> 00:25:38.666 Can you hang up? I'm still trying to figure out these buttons. 00:25:39.958 --> 00:25:42.291 -Trying. -No. No, stop. 00:25:42.375 --> 00:25:43.541 It's not. It's on the left. 00:25:43.625 --> 00:25:44.750 Stop. 00:26:31.625 --> 00:26:32.500 Carpal Tunnel Syndrome-- 00:26:32.583 --> 00:26:35.083 Do you own a car? Would you rather have to-- 00:26:35.166 --> 00:26:36.166 Get back in the saddle. 00:26:36.250 --> 00:26:38.125 A local veterinary clinic has found itself 00:26:38.208 --> 00:26:40.666 in a dog bowl full of hot water this morning 00:26:40.750 --> 00:26:43.500 after administering fake COVID tests 00:26:43.583 --> 00:26:46.416 and determining results via magic eight ball. 00:26:46.500 --> 00:26:50.833 Baby, come look at this. This news lady has the earrings I want. 00:26:50.916 --> 00:26:53.458 I was a little suspicious when my first test came back 00:26:53.541 --> 00:26:55.208 "Reply hazy. Try again." 00:26:55.291 --> 00:26:59.166 But when the second test came back "Outlook good," I didn't question it. 00:26:59.250 --> 00:27:02.083 Then I woke up this morning to an envelope taped to my mailbox. 00:27:02.166 --> 00:27:03.916 Had the cash in it that I paid for the test 00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:05.416 and a note saying it was all fake. 00:27:05.500 --> 00:27:07.750 So I called the police. The worst part is 00:27:07.833 --> 00:27:10.416 I sent a lot of my friends there to get tested, and... 00:27:10.500 --> 00:27:13.666 Well, I guess it wasn't decidedly so after all. 00:27:17.041 --> 00:27:19.458 Why do you have a picture of Rooster's pecker? 00:27:22.500 --> 00:27:24.625 I'm sorry. Who's pecker is that? 00:27:38.791 --> 00:27:41.458 -I have a job interview today. -You're kidding. 00:27:41.541 --> 00:27:43.375 -For what? -Oh, you're going to love this. 00:27:43.458 --> 00:27:45.458 In prison I got a teaching degree online, 00:27:45.541 --> 00:27:48.208 and there's an opening at the local high school. 00:27:48.291 --> 00:27:51.208 How is any of this boring shit going to help us figure out how to 00:27:51.291 --> 00:27:52.791 break into this woman's house and steal that painting? 00:27:53.083 --> 00:27:57.250 We tap into her WiFi, and we got 24 hours surveillance inside her home. 00:27:59.041 --> 00:27:59.875 Hey, Ma. 00:27:59.958 --> 00:28:01.833 You still got that gun that I got you for Mother's Day? 00:28:01.916 --> 00:28:03.625 It's in my underwear drawer. Why?