Hey everyone.
I just wanted to thank you again for taking the weekend
to write up your intention statements for the month.
I think it will really help us
stay focused on our missions.
And really just one thing...
I haven't actually received any of your statements
and the deadline was last night.
Uh... I think that kind of was our statement.
Yeah. One of the dogs in the kennel ate mine.
Wait. Guys, do you not say that in America?
I thought I'd at least get a titter.
Titter?
So, guys, at the leadership seminar at the Four Seasons...
The Four Seasons.
We know. We know.
Yes, it's the Four Seasons. We've heard.
Charcuterie.
One of the key takeaways was that writing things down
helps to actualize them.
Were there gherkins on the charcuterie board?
I don't remember.
It was less than a week ago.
Officers, please keep this channel clear
for official field business.
Yes, of course. So sorry.
Okay. So, intention statements.
There were gherkins.
Emily, remember you sent me that picture of you by the spread?
There were gherkins.
Ooh, I'm looking at another cool one of you by the raw bar.
Okay, so here right now,
this is a perfect example of wandering attention.
Apropos of absolutely nothing,
people will no longer be able to borrow my three-hole punch.
I've attached it to my desk with max gauge cable.
Sad that it's come to this.
Okay. Wrapping up intention statements will keep us focused.
Please have yours done by lunch. Thank you.
Well that's not happening.
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Can I ask you something?
Nah. I'm really enjoying the vibe of the truck right now.
I've got a bit of a girlfriend situation.
Nope!
We've got our first real power struggle
and I think it's really important that I get this right
because this long distance thing is hard, you know?
I really have to insist on your mentorship.
You can't have non-consensual mentorship.
She was planning to come here for a couple weeks
at the end of the month but now she wants me to fly to her.
Which doesn't seem like a big deal
but this is the third time in a row
that I have gone to her and she's still never come here
and it's starting to feel like a pattern.
It's Austria. She wants to start in the low country...
Dear God, stop!
I knew you'd crack.
Ugh. Okay. You wanna know if there's a pattern?
Yes, there's a pattern. And there's a frequent flyer mile heist.
Don't go to Austria.
And if Camila wants a puppet, then she should go to... uh...
I don't actually know where you'd get a puppet out there.
Wouldn't it just be online like everywhere else?
Look, bottom line, Camila needs to come here.
Fair is fair.
Okay. You're sure?
Of course, I'm sure. I'm sure about everything.
Does a bear debate whether it's gonna pounce on a deer?
No. It just kills it.
Human beings overthink everything.
Right. And Camila's obviously not the deer?
The trip is the deer. And you're killing Austria.
Can I say something? As your partner...
Oh, this sounds like you've been sitting on something.
You mutter sing.
Mutter sing? That bugs you?
Yeah. Yeah. I... it does.
It's like when I hook up with a guy
and he touches me all hesitant and light. Ugh.
Or like when you've got a sneeze that's tickling
the inside of your nose and it won't come out.
It's so annoying.
Okay. Those are some very specific examples.
Yeah. I... I decided last week
that if you did it again I'd say something.
Well, message received. No more singing.
- No! - No, it's fine.
I want you to sing. I want...
I just want you to sing it like you mean it, man.
Do you mean it?
Let the midnight special
Shine the light on me
Yeah, you don't mean it.
- Well, I have a bad voice. - Yeah.
I was actually fishing for a “no you don't ”.
Truck 8. Report of a loose raccoon.
Our Lady of Loreto Church, 2195 West 41st Avenue.
Truck 8 responding.
Damnit. Now I'm doing everything meekly.
Truck 12. Report to a distressed cow
at the University of Washington. 4397 West 2nd Avenue.
Truck 12 responding.
A cow at UW. I wonder what this is about.
It's always the same thing.
For the last time, do not bring a cow up the stairs
because cows do not like to go down the stairs.
There's an entire chapter in your fraternity manual on it.
It's all pictures. Would've taken you 20 seconds.
Is that a White Russian?
Yeah. Straight from the cow.
- May I? - Yeah.
Do not milk the cow.
I'm talking to you, guy with the bowl of cereal.
So how do we get it out of here?
We create a tranquil environment
and that starts with me not yelling
but I am so annoyed that I'm back here.
The cow has to relax, and when it does,
it will walk out on its own down those stairs.
We just need to keep our voices down.
Templeton! Templeton!
Templeton! Templeton! Templeton!
Let my people go!
Templeton! Templeton!
What is happening?
You know what?
Um... I'm gonna hang back and write my intention statement.
You go on ahead.
Good one.
No, no, no. I really... I really should do it.
And you can handle this one, right?
You worried you're gonna burst into flames if we go in there?
Don't worry, it's gonna be a quick trip. God won't even notice.
Victoria. Hey, it's nice to see you.
Templeton! Templeton! Templeton!
Quiet!
My brothers get a little excited when alumni show up.
What, did someone call you or something?
Yeah. BZM bat-phone.
I'm a bit of a mentor fixer for the boys.
Ah, listen. If you guys wanna take off and grab a long lunch,
precinct 2-2 style,
I can take over from here.
I'm not leaving until that cow walks outta here.
I love the passivity of that but I'm not quite sure
we have that kind of time.
The chapter's hosting the annual Fall Ball tonight
and it is the event of the Pan-Hellenic calendar.
Let me put this in a way you can understand, Templeton.
If that cow doesn't walk down the stairs
they're gonna have to cancel it.
Uh, that's punitive, and frankly, outrageous.
And I'm gonna be certain to do everything in my power
to not break 73 drunken hearts.
And the raccoon ran through this pew
and up into the choir room.
Thank you Father. We'll take it from here.
It's good to see you, Victoria. Really good.
Okay. I'll bite. How do you know that priest?
We actually share the same dentist.
I've never once squeezed the body part of someone
with whom I've shared a dentist.
So, that's a lie and not a particularly creative one.
No... you... did you have a thing with that priest?
No, but I did have * with him.
Yup.
Attention all units. It is now 10 past one.
I'm gonna go ahead and give you all a 30-minute grace period
to send in your intention statements...
Hello? All units?
Any units?
Truck 12?
Frank?
Ugh!
Really? Is this necessary?
Yes.
No, I'm not talking about you and the father in there.
Wow. You're really clutching your pearls on this one.
You usually love free-spirited Victoria.
Well, I come from a very religious family.
It's not this religion exactly but we have a lot of gods,
a bunch of them are very spiteful.
Okay. It's just * in a confessional.
Shh!
I don't even know what this means
but it's in a bunch of Scorsese movies.
You are so repressed. You can't sing above a whisper.
You have arbitrary taboos.
It's not arbitrary.
This is societal, this is a societal taboo.
Can we just go in and get the raccoon... please?
Just keep your distance from me, okay?
I don't want any guilt by association.
It's just a few stairs, it really is.
I'll be right next to you the whole time. I'll be talking like this.
Frank? I just got off the phone with the chancellor
and I'm happy to report with a little cajoling
he has approved a crane.
You wanna airlift the cow?
Totally safe.
I don't know if you know this about cows
but they're nervous fliers.
Actually, brother Steve's got some edibles that could help.
Have you guys been talking to each other?
Are you backing the crane play, Judas?
It's just that, you know,
it's been an hour and the cow hasn't actually moo-ved.
You guys ever seen an 800-pound animal
fall 40 feet to concrete? It's a cow gut slip and slide.
What are you doing? Impressionable minds, Frank.
Can we keep this PG21, please?
There's one right answer here and it's mine.
The cow walks outta here.
Could I just touch up her stencils?
No! Go to your rooms! Go to your rooms, boys. Go.
Yeah, he could be a little gruff.
Aw, I'll take that.
- Kitten bath? - Yeah.
Is this about Shred?
Uh no, actually.
Shred has a girlfriend so I had to let that go.
Nobody sent me their intentions.
So... they don't take me seriously.
They don't take you seriously? Look at this.
They used bolt cutters.
Do you hear that? That's a raccoon.
How'd he get up there?
I don't know. Maybe up the third octave flue pipe.
Huh?
The big pipe up there.
No, you just said third octave flue pipe very specifically
like you know what that is.
It was a lucky guess.
How do you know so much about organs?
No. You know what? Okay.
I didn't want you to get any more scandalized but...
the truth is...
the priest and I made sweet, sweet love on this organ.
And part of our dirty talk was very specific and technical
with regards to the instrument.
You're lying.
No.
And as partners we swore to always tell the...
Okay, fine!
Well, I didn't see that coming.
I play the organ. Okay? And I go to church.
Oh, he's out!
He's heading for the confessional!
And that is the real, real reason my mom and sister
don't talk to me anymore.
Thanks Kyle for that powerful share.
And how about you, how you doing?
Good. I feel like I'm doing good.
Actually, you guys are all getting so real here, I just...
Hmm. Incoming.
Kyle, give him the council stick.
I guess I do have something that's bugging me.
Camila, that's my girlfriend, she wants to cancel her trip
out here and she wants me to go visit her in Austria.
But I'm thinking about saying no
and telling her she needs to come here.
Okay.
What?
Well, have you thought about asking yourself
why you're turning this into a power play?
Because I don't wanna set a pattern.
A pattern?
This is... this is a relationship, not a carpet.
This is about opening yourself
to the very tender chasm of intimacy.
Step into the goo, man. It's where the good stuff is.
What, are you pledging this place, Fred?
No. We were just rapping about Camila.
Yeah, I already gave you the answer. Tell her to come here.
Great American Frank, everybody.
Always right and always letting you know.
So, you think I should go to Camila then?
Well, unlike Frank, I like to hear everyone's opinion.
So, why don't we put this out to the council?
- Go to Camila. - For sure.
So romantic.
Well, like all decisions made by committee,
this one is exactly wrong.
And Shred, you can't possibly be considering major life advice
from a guy who's got a framed poster of his DUI.
Nice job, Prince Harry.
Alright. I need you guys to leave the premises.
Just a reminder, doors open for the party in, like, four hours.
Yes, they do. But right now we're trying to de-escalate
so when you're done being right,
the crane will be outside, ready and waiting.
It's okay, buddy.
So, just so we're clear on this...
you would rather have me think that you had * with the priest
than tell me that you go to church.
Church is really off-brand for me.
And what about the organ?
There's a lot of pieces to the Victoria puzzle today.
Hang tight, Rocky.
Faith and church was just something that I grew up with.
I went with my family
and now I'm 7,000 miles from home,
I don't know, it's just... it's comforting.
Well, I'm happy to hear you can find solace
in something other than polyamorous polypharmaceutical
erotic experiences.
Though I do love those stories.
Yeah. See, it's not like an either or type thing with me.
Can you not tell anyone about this?
This most wholesome detail about your personal life?
Sure.
Okay, good. I did it.
What are you doing?
I let my soul out. Now it's your turn.
- I don't like this. - Yeah, come with me.
Come on.
You know what I want.
I want you to sing it like you mean it, baby.
Let the midnight special...
Shine the light on me
Damnit, son.
That's not how we do it at Our Lady of Loreto.
Let the midnight special...
Shine their ever loving light on me
Okay.
Let the midnight special...
Shine their ever loving light on me
Thanks for answering my SOS.
Boss problems?
Yeah. I'm flailing.
I, um... I assigned these intention statements
to get the group focused.
I love that idea.
Thanks. But no one's doing them so what do I do?
Fire someone!
What?
Yeah. My first week as supervisor I fired some guy for being late.
How late was he?
Oh, I don't remember.
But I do remember the look on everyone's face.
They were like, that guy comes off all zen
but really he's loco.
Um... no one's really done anything to get fired.
What about dispatch?
Those guys are always up to something.
Um... unfortunately I think everyone's doing
a pretty good job.
Well, you need to shock the troops.
They need to know that they can't mess with you.
Are you comfortable with throwing a full soda can
up against the wall?
A soda explosion speaks volumes.
Maybe I don't have the personality for this.
That's ridiculous. There's a natural leader inside of you.
You just need to find your own shock and awe and you will.
Do you think so?
I really do.
Okay. I'm gonna do it again and this time just follow me down.
Alright? I'm gonna move like this, just follow me down.
No judgements, no reservations, just... here we go.
We're both walking down the stairs.
And, oh look, these stairs are fun!
I called Camila.
How'd it go?
Horrible, man. We broke up.
Shred, I told you not to listen to Templeton.
I didn't listen to Templeton. I listened to you.
I told her she had to come here.
Oh. Okay. Hey. Um... we don't wanna upset the cow.
I said exactly what you told me to say
and she said it was over. It all just went south, man.
Okay. It's also important how you say it.
I didn't think...
...it would happen like that, man.
Right. Okay. Now you're upsetting the cow and me.
So let's just bring it down.
It's the right thing, right?
Insisting that she come here even though it resulted
in an outcome so much worse
than anything I could've possibly imagined?
- Yeah. - Why did your voice go up?
You told me it was the right thing to do!
Tell me it was the right thing to do!
I don't know!
- What do you mean "you don't know"? - Maybe I don't know these things.
I got ghosted one time.
What?
But I didn't even know people your age got ghosted.
What happened, man?
Okay. My last girlfriend, Yasmine.
We were together for about a year.
It was good, it was really good.
Then she went out of town and never came back.
I couldn't get a hold of her, no explanation, that's it.
Nothing.
God. What a black hole of unresolvable pain.
Look, I know I can come on strong with my takes.
And, I guess, lately I've been acting a little more like a-
- Emotional bully. - Know it all.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
No, this isn't about me. It's about you.
You just got kicked in the heart.
Oh God. Camila.
I'd forgotten for a sec, Frank.
Shred, I think I steered you wrong.
No, you definitely did.
But you were doing your best, okay?
And yeah, would I have liked to have heard your story
of emotional turmoil before? Definitely.
I think context was important on this one.
But... it's okay.
Honestly, I'm not even sure I'm right about the cow now.
There's actually a pretty strong consensus outside
that you're not right about the cow.
Gentlemen, if you drop this cow,
the mess will be something we'll all take to our graves.
And be really careful, this building is historical.
It's just historic.
Hey, the cow came down on its own.
And just like that Shaw's back on the board.
I knew I was right.
I hope she left an upper decker in the president's room.
Okay. Okay. So, guys... hey guys.
Um... so we're... we're at the end of the day, this is it.
So if you could just get your intention statements in to me
before you leave, I would really, really appreciate it.
Oh, it's been an incredibly long day.
Can I get it in first thing tomorrow?
Oh yeah. If you're giving out extensions...
Yeah, make it three, please?
Grrr!
Wow.
I said sit down and write your intention statements.
Okay. No one is leaving this office until my inbox is full.
It's been an incredibly long day.
Can I get it in first thing tomorrow?
No!
That was on the stapler, and it hurt,
which is making me even more mad.
So the intentions are getting done now.
Did she just lock us in here?
Back door!
Look how long his legs are.
She's laughing... maniacally!
Well, I guess, we gotta do those things.
Does anyone even know what an intention statement is?
She told us, like, a hundred times... but no.
My intention is to watch Top Gun on my phone.
She locked us in, I can't go home.
Alright!
Where is the new bike lock I bought this afternoon?
Seriously? Do I need a lock for my lock?
Hey.
What's with the bike lock?
Oh. I kinda locked everyone inside.
Uh... no one sent in their intention statements.
Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry.
I've been working on that, uh, but...
I just ended up having one of those days, you know?
Are you okay?
Uh... not really. Me and Camila broke up.
Oh. Oh... I'm so sorry.
Yeah, it's a lot.
Can I turn in my intention statement later?
I'm having these crying jags.
Yeah, of course. Go ahead.
Also, if you ever need to talk or anything, I'm here.
I'm actually feeling some welling in my chest
so I think I'm gonna go jump in my rig.
Shock and awe, baby.
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