Bim, guess what?
[James] That's closure.
Now for season two.
Hello, viewers.
Or should I say buon giorno,
with a little wave of the hand like that,
because that is supposedly what they do around here.
Yes, I am in Italy, and I bet when I say that,
none of you go, "OMG, why has he gone to that hellhole,"
because no one has ever said that about Italy.
Italy is generally regarded as having
the most enviable lifestyle on the planet.
Now, there are many clichés and stereotypes
about Italy and the Italians,
apart from the one about waving your arms around a lot.
Chief amongst them, though, must be the belief in la dolce vita,
the sweet life, the pursuit and embrace of simple pleasures
as the bedrock for human fulfillment.
Now, does la dolce vita really exist?
And more importantly, if it does,
can a shabby and slightly uptight Englishman achieve it?
Well, as I'm sure they must say on Italian television...
[speaks Italian] Let's find out.
Right, you can get to that cheesy pre-title bit now.
Anyone can make a travelogue with the right ingredients.
How's my helmet?
A dash of jaunty music...
...a bit of national dress...
Have you ever before painted
someone dressed up like a bird?
...and a presenter who knows his culo from his elbow.
It doesn't amaze you,
but it would've amazed you if you'd been here then.
What do we know about Italy?
- Viva l'italia! - [shouting in Italian]
[James] Yes, the hand gestures.
Also, fashionistas, fast cars,
- kicking *... - [both oohing]
...and every carbohydrate under the sun.
Nothing can stop pizza.
But I'm going a bit deeper...
...exploring vast rural expanses...
I'm all knackered now and I can't speak.
...and fast-paced cities.
- [horn honking] - Ooh. [chuckles]
Perfect.
[James] In a bid to uncover...
This is cheese.
...a country of contrasts.
But I actually can't see through this.
Some old bits, some new bits...
This is the place you should come to
if you want to know what's happening
with robots.
- The passionate... - Yeah!
...the musical...
...and the dramatic.
[speaking Italian] Where is my Panda?
Where size does matter...
Absolutely massive.
...and nothing is left to the imaginazione.
That one's got a deformed *.
So, join me
as I fiddle through the inferno...
That was epic.
...still in peak condition...
Bollocks.
...traveling from sun-drenched Sicily
up through the boot
to the icy north.
It's absolutely gorgeous.
A British sophisticate...
All over my trousers, all over the poop deck.
...seeking enlightenment...
[speaking Italian] What the * do you want!
...and risking his life...
Some bloke kept whipping me with a stick
going "Ooh."
I hope that was as enjoyable for you to watch
as it was for me to experience.
But I bet it wasn't.
Now, I'd like to talk to you a little bit
about my car for this adventure,
which is, you'll have spotted by now, a Fiat Panda.
Not a Cinquecento, not a Ferrari or a Maserati.
No, it's a Fiat Panda because the Panda is excellent,
and it is simply part of the dust of Italy.
I have two principle objectives for this trip.
The first is to see if I can arrive
at a sort of ten commandments of being Italian
and living this dolce vita.
But I know one already: do not drink a cappuccino
after 11:00 a.m.
That is considered very bad form.
My other objective is to not become fat.
As you may have guessed from this handy map,
we're starting in Sicily,
known for its lemons, the Mafia
and the Sicilian defense in chess.
Our first port of call is the capital, Palermo.
And, with over 250 days of sun a year,
Sicily is an absolute gift for TV and filmmakers.
Buon giorno, io no, uh, uno... no lo ombrello.
I do not have an umbrella. This is the weather today.
Today I was going to go into town and meet my guide Claudia,
um, but it's... we've sort of postponed it
because the impression I get... again, this may be a cliché...
Sicily, because it's an outdoor society,
is not equipped for rain.
Plus, of course, there will be no Italian men out
because they'll be worried about their hair.
And I understand that.
Still, with over 250 days of sunshine a year,
statistically, the next day should be...
♪ ♪
Palermo city center.
It was the crossroads of the ancient world.
It's also the crossroads of the modern one.
And no, not everyone here is a mobster.
Certainly not this one.
Today I am joined by Claudia.
- Buon giorno. Who will be... - Buon giorno.
...my guide for Sicily.
I'm already waving my arms around a lot.
Uh, al vostro servizio.
- Oh, I am at your service. - No, I'm at your service.
[James] Over the centuries,
every civilization and its dog has had a bash at Palermo,
from the ancient Greeks to the Vikings,
the Normans to the Moors, the butchers, the bakers,
the mosaici makers, even the Italians.
[Claudia] This is the famous Church
of Martorana.
Through the centuries, um, who's restored the church
decided to add the architectural style of the era.
[James] I would say that that end looks Islamic,
that doorway is definitely newer.
- What, 17th century? Maybe. - [Claudia] Yeah.
This is the most
celebrated church,
and it became the symbol of Palermo.
[James] Originally built in the 12th century,
this architectural smorgasbord houses
some incredible Byzantine artwork.
But it's easier for a camel to pass through
the eye of a needle than for a film crew
to observe silence in a functioning church,
so Claudia and I are going gonzo.
So, we'll have to get a selfie stick.
- Okay. - And film it...
- Oh. - ...with the iPhone.
- Other phones are available. - Great idea.
Okay, there will be a selfie stick on this stall here.
- I'm absolutely sure of it. - Okay.
I'll give you a million pounds if she hasn't got one
- by the time we get there. - Okay, let's do it.
- Prego. - Ah, grazie mille.
[chuckles] Grazie.
[James] Fantastico.
Presenting I mosaici di Martorana,
an original production.
[James] It's absolutely incredible.
Just the colors are amazing.
Ah!
That is superb.
And Christ actually is on high
because he's at the highest point of the church,
and looking down on you.
[Claudia] It's all full of Greek inscriptions.
[James] Jesus gets in a lot of appearances in here, doesn't he?
[James] It's a good job he didn't have an agent.
I bet my camerawork's terrible.
I think we're going to get thrown out in a minute.
Once reunited with our crew of supposed professionals,
the next stop is the city's anarchic heart.
[Claudia] We are in the famous Piazza Pretoria,
Pretoria Square.
The square is also called the square of Shame
because of the shameful expenses the government afforded
to bring the fountain from Florence to Palermo.
Sadly, it became a symbol of the bad government.
[James] And that's not the only reason for its name.
- That one's got a deformed *. - [laughs]
[Claudia] Because the nuns were offended by the naked statues.
This is why, probably, they cut arms
- and parts of their body. - That explains why
his-his old chap's a bit...
- in a bit of a state. - [Claudia] Yeah. Yeah.
[James] And why have they knocked her arms off?
Arms aren't offensive.
Uh, probably because they were gesturing like that.
- Oh. - Yeah, so...
[James] The sisters chiseled her * off as well.
So did Michelangelo give David a very small *
so that nuns in the next artistic era
- would not be offended by him? - [Claudia laughs]
[James] Right, that's culture ticked off.
Now we can relax.
Today, Claudia and I are going fishing,
because that's what you do when you're on holiday.
Actually we probably shouldn't say when you're on holiday.
That's what you do when you are, uh,
uncovering the secrets of a really rather complex history
of an island, Sicily, much of whose fortune
is based on fishing.
That's why we're going fishing.
This is Sciacca, one of the biggest fishing ports in Sicily.
Our host for our research trip is Matteo.
Here.
- Grazie. [grunts] - Perfect. Okay.
That was a bit uncool.
Clear aft.
So it's time to set sail
on Sicily's bountiful and surprisingly turbulent waters.
Since I once hosted an unsuccessful cooking show,
I plan to knock up a spot of lunch with our catch.
Uh, situation update: it's quite choppy.
Okay, let's throw some bait?
You're on this? This is... This is, like, a shrimp.
- [Claudia] It's delicious. - Do I eat it?
- [laughs] No, no, no, please. - Non mangiare?
Here comes the big one.
- [both laugh] - [James] Okay.
Despite the increased risk of sleeping
with the fishes...
I hope I don't just stick it in my finger.
...we bait our hooks and our breath.
Il pesce is on the linea when it goes "zzz."
Now there's nothing to do but wait
for something to tug on my rod.
Meanwhile, back on terra firma,
the locals are rustling up a couple of side dishes
to accompany my fishy centerpiece.
Now this just in,
Matteo seemed to have caught something
because his rod was bending, but apparently,
- he's-he's caught a rock. - No. Rock.
So we've caught the planet Earth from our fishing boat so far.
Not sure that'll fit on the grill.
Then, by a miracle for once not manufactured by television...
- Oh, it is here? - [Claudia] Fishy, fishy.
- [James] There, there. Fish, fish. - [Claudia] Fish, fish, fish.
[James] Am I turning it the right way?
He's gone over there somewhere.
Ooh, this is a big fish. Yeah, it's a big fish, big fish.
It's a battle worthy of Hemingway,
Melville or J.R. Hartley.
It's a proper fish.
- [Matteo] Amberjack. - Amberjack?
[Claudia] Amberjack.
Is that big enough to eat?
[Claudia] Yes, it's a portion.
We need ten of these.
[James] One down, nine to go.
- Oh, it's really heavy. - It's a bit heavy.
The locals are already lining up
in rapturous and ravenous anticipation.
Catch is in.
[James] Come and behold the fruit of the fecund ocean.
[speaking Italian] Lunch with fish.
Damn!
Beautiful, so wonderful.
There's food for everyone, guys.
There's a lot, there's a lot beneath here.
But this one is beautiful, it's silver actually.
There's more beneath.
[James] Impressionante.
It's impressive, it's impressive.
- Yes impressive, it's still alive. - There it is.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Gold and silver, beautiful.
[James] Grazie.
Bravo, bravo.
[James] Apparently, one pesky pesce
has sparked quite the celebration.
[James] Oh, here comes our fish.
Here's the fish.
- [Claudia] Oh... - [applause]
Everybody has to have a small piece.
[speaking Italian] When you have caught it yourself and you eat it...
it is beautiful.
[James] I don't know if it's all this fresh air,
or that busker on the mandolin in the background,
but this certainly feels like la dolce vita to me.
I am absolutely amazed at how my very piccolo pesce
has turned into this enormous feast.
Something very biblical about that,
and look at all these new friends I've made.
I am truly a fisher of men.
With our bellies pleasantly full, it's time to depart.
Or so I thought.
- Oh, is this the pasta course? - [Claudia] Yes.
There might be a massive steak after this for all I know.
Actually, there was no massive steak.
There was, however, some ham.
Forgot the words.
[James] Actually, I need to have a bit of a word with you
about the threat of Italian lunch.
[Claudia] In Sicily, we have the obsession of food.
We love to share with friends and-and to show them
our generosity and our hospitality.
So is... if that happens every day,
we'll be the size of Fiat Pandas, each one of us.
So far, that's religion, culture, sport,
cookery and a warning about incipient obesity.
The next thing to try, you've probably already guessed,
is estate agency.
Hello, viewers. Fancy finding you up here,
right at the top of the Castello Manfredonico,
in the Comune di Mussomeli,
once one of the wealthiest regions of Sicily.
I'd like to read to you from the handy
English information sheet that you get when you arrive.
It's rather lovely, actually.
"The architectural completeness melts with the rock.
Thus the work of man blooms spontaneously."
Good, isn't it?
I might try blooming a bit more spontaneously myself.
The castle today, as you can probably see,
is a little bit on the tatty side.
Wait till you see the rest of the town.
A thriving and wealthy town in the 16th century,
Mussomeli is now home
to only a few thousand people,
none of whom you can see here.
Depopulation reached crisis point in the '80s
when locals were even prepared to move to Surrey in England.
So the mayor came up with a plan.
This is Cinzia.
She is the local estate agent for the historic town center,
and she's going to show me this house,
which is currently on the market
for one euro.
- One euro. - [Claudia] One euro.
[James] Wow, look at that.
Now, if I was
a British estate agent, I would say
that this is an ideal first-time property
with numerous period features
in need of sympathetic renovation,
i.e. a bit of a craphole.
But it is a complete house.
It has a roof. It has services.
They're not turned on, so there's no water or electricity,
which is why we're using the torches,
but they're all here.
Actually, there's a really spooky
sort of medieval bit back here. Look at this.
[Sean] It's good 'cause you're shining the torch
like it's Blair Witch, mate.
- What do you mean? - [Sean laughs]
Oh, that's quite light.
Some of the wiring looks a bit dodgy,
but it's no worse than the Alfa Romeo 155, to be honest.
This is very nice.
I mean, whichever way you look at it, it's a lot for a euro.
Sounds like an offer I can't refuse.
[Cinzia speaking Italian] Maybe because one euro sounds very attractive.
It's the price of a coffee.
What's the catch?
Cinzia explains
that although the house costs one euro,
the new owner must restore the outside
to an agreed standard within three years
or face a five-grand penalty.
But what's in it for her?
It occurs to me
that the estate agent's commission
on one euro is pretty feeble.
[chuckles] That's about .01 of a euro.
How do you... How can you possibly make a living?
Sorry. Scusi. But if we can...
'Cause we've been hearing this. The-the...
Some of these keys are from about 1850.
[Claudia] It costs more than the house.
[James] This is your property empire.
Could be worth as much as 30 euros.
[conversing in Italian] No, it's a fixed fee of 490 euros per house.
Now, Dan, you were talking about how much you would like to buy
- a house around here. You'd like... - Well, for one euro,
- it'd be stupid not to. - Yeah, but...
- It can't just be one euro. - No.
There is a little bit more involved, but here's the euro,
- in any case. - Who do I give it to?
- Cinzia? - Cinzia will take your euro.
I'll take this house.
You have actually bought it, I'm afraid.
- [all laugh] - Now it's done. It's done.
Yeah.
[James] You have to pay 490 euros
- commission, I'm afraid... - [Dan] Okay.
...to Cinzia, and you owe me a euro.
- But you do have a house in Italy. - [Dan] I'll give you...
Doppio espresso?
It's that or a semidetached bungalow.
While Dan busied himself arranging
a buy-to-let mortgage to pay me back my euro,
I went for a contemplative spin.
And the funny thing about that town is
it is the one-euro town.
So, after we'd looked at the houses,
we went off, and we had a quick slice of pizza.
And a big slice of pizza was a euro,
and an espresso was a euro.
Everything in the town is a euro.
So it's either a very, very cheap house
or, in reality, the euro was about £1.2 million.
Now, viewers,
we're 20 minutes into this episode,
- and I haven't really embarrassed myself yet. - [lively drumming]
This looks like an opportunity.
This is Ciwara in the historical center of Palermo,
and, as you might have already guessed,
it's known for its live Afrobeats scene.
I like the sound of this place already.
Hang on.
- Here, there? - [horn honks]
Yeah, the driving is a little bit random,
but think about our preconceptions of Sicily.
They're all based on things like films
about the origins of the Mafia
and so on, but it's not. It's this.
It's perfectly modern and multiculti.
And it has una birra, tre birra.
And somewhere over there is Claudia. I think.
If I go and meet her, find her, we can have...
spend the rest of the evening, hours, doing this.
Do you know where she is?
- Ready? Salute. - Salute.
[James] But please don't worry that the old English bloke
with the hips from Thunderbirds is going to join in the dancing.
Excellent.
These guys are amazing.
[James] Mind you, the company's good,
and the local Sicilian beer is excellent.
There's only one way
I could ruin this perfect moment.
Seeing where this scene was heading,
director Tom rushed in some locals to act as a human shield.
Hey, map fans, guess what?
Yes, we're leaving the west of Sicily
and heading east through the island's midriff
to Sicily's second largest city,
where I'm going to talk complete bollocks.
Welcome to Catania,
where you join me in Piazza Duomo
and where we are going to address
the elephant in the square, u Liotru.
Now, he's very old.
He is believed to have come from ancient Rome,
and he is, of course, the symbol of the city.
He's in shop signs.
The logos of sports club shields. You can buy
a little lucky trinket of u Liotru
from the street sellers who are wandering around here.
But now we arrive at some confusion,
because I believed, talking to the locals,
that somehow, his * had been removed
out of modesty,
but this turns out probably not to be true,
because elsewhere in the town,
there is a statue of a horse whose * were removed
because they offended Saint Agatha,
the patron saint of Sicily. She's up there
in the duomo, on the day of her feast.
And then later, his... his boys were put back on again.
But that does at least allow me to talk about Saint Agatha,
who was martyred in the middle of the third century.
She was stretched on the rack, torn apart with hooks,
and her breasts were removed with pincers.
But as a result of that, the locals
remember her with these faintly ridiculous
breast-inspired sticky buns.
So, to recap,
the elephant still has his *.
The horse lost his * but got them back again later.
Saint Agatha is long dead,
but at least we get a funny * cake to celebrate her.
And I hope that's all clear,
because now I'm going to go and buy a hat.
I'm really sorry. I've just learned
from someone over in the café
that apparently the horse's plum sack wasn't removed.
It was merely covered up
for fear of offending Saint Agatha
during her feast day.
Everything else I said there is broadly correct.
Anyway, time to make a Saint Agatha bun of myself
in the next scene.
Now, obviously, another Italian cliché
is that they all dress impeccably.
So,
in a bid to shake off my scruffy yet uptight Englishness
and impress Claudia, I'm going to attempt fashion.
Now, in Italy,
the word for a hat in general is a cappello,
but in Sicily, they have a specific type of hat,
a-a flat cap which is called... wait for it... a coppola.
It's the traditional hat of Sicily, supposedly,
so let's go in and see
if we can find one big enough for my simply gigantic head.
- Buon giorno. Uh, una coppola, per favore. - Sì.
Ma io uno molto grande testa.
[clerk] Okay, a very big head. So big brains. Good.
- [James] E-Exactly, yes. - [laughter]
- Hey. - Ah.
- Va bene? - [clerk] Your eyes is perfect.
- [James] Molto gentile. Grazie. - [laughs]
If you get the angle right...
I mean, you don't want to just wear it like that.
That just knocks 50 off your IQ immediately, doesn't it?
It's fashionable. [laughs]
- Grazie. I will take it. - [clerk] We got a winner.
[James] Armed with my coppola
and my magical disappearing bag...
it's time to see what Claudia thinks.
- [laughs] - Buona sera.
Buona sera.
[laughs] Um...
- Mm. Così così. - You meant... No.
"Così così." What's "così così"?
Così così. So and so.
So-so. It's perfect with the color of your eyes.
- But... - But?
That's okay. It's fine. If you don't like it,
- you don't like it. That's... Now I know. - [laughs]
Wow, she must really hate my eyes.
I was particularly disappointed that Claudia,
of whom I've grown extremely fond,
um, was so dismissive of my coppola.
But I sort of get where she's coming from.
This is a problem I've-I've alluded to
many times in the past. Expensive clothes,
cheap clothes, secondhand clothes...
it doesn't really make any difference with me.
That, in the window of a shop,
looks quite stylish.
It's interesting. It's an interesting pattern.
It would probably look good on you. Lots of other people.
Many members of our crew, men and women.
You put it on my head...
...and it looks crap.
After that crushing disappointment,
it's time to lift my spirits.
I'm now heading for a Sicilian landmark
that I should be able to find without the satnav
or even a paper map.
I should be able to find it by looking out of the window.
It's quite big.
Sort of triangular in shape
but with a bit missing from the top.
I need my Canadian jacket for this.
And, ironically, a hat.
Buon giorno. Today,
we are three-quarters of the way up Mount Etna,
Europe's most active volcano.
And that might sound pretty daring,
but actually, if you look over here...
Look. Snack bars, competing
excursions to the summit. It is a fantastic mountain.
It was the-the forge of the gods. It looms very large
in the conscience of the people of Sicily,
especially in Catania and Messina,
because every now and then... February 2021, for example...
it dumps a huge pile of volcanic ash
all over streets and rooftops and cars.
And last time, it cost half a million euros
to sweep it up.
Anyway, we're going to go with some scientists
all the way, or almost all the way
to the summit and the crater.
And it's perfectly safe.
Unless it blows up.
Etna has been erupting on and off
since 475 BCE.
Well, presumably since before then,
but no one bothered to write it down.
So, this is Giuseppe, who's one of our volcanologists.
And what happens if it goes off?
Recently, it's making an eruption every month,
so in principle, we are close.
[James] Okay, we're due one,
chaps. I should have, uh, explained, actually,
that the crew is in the back of the car for obvious reasons.
They're being remarkably quiet.
- Yeah. - Um, usually when they're in the car together,
it's just an absolute solid wall of moaning.
I have to say it is looking a bit smoky, though.
So, the molten bit of the earth
is a part of the big bang
- that's still going on, in effect. Isn't it? - Yeah. Yeah.
[James] And then, as we continue our ascent
into what appears to be The Land That Time Forgot,
the crew helpfully pipes up.
Can you still see the road up front?
[James] I can see
that it's a very long way down on the right,
so I would advise
not looking that way.
In fact, I wish I hadn't.
Well, we're still going up.
We still can't see anything.
Finally, we arrive at the main crater...
...where it's actually not smoke at all.
Just freezing fog.
Even though I can't feel my face,
I summon my professionalism.
So, finally,
here we are, viewers, within a few dozen meters
of the gaping main crater of Etna.
Silent, sleeping, but we know,
despite the research
and the reassurances of the scientists,
that at any moment,
that could explode with an enormous crash,
causing the mayor of Catania to stop at whatever he's doing
and turn around and say,
as the mayor of Pompeii must have done once,
"What the bloody hell was that?"
Moments before being consumed by the flow of lava,
the molten core of the earth
wreaking its revenge on civilization
for its arrogance. Just remember that.
Lunch?
Actually, I need to explain this
to the viewers so that they don't think
we're complete idiots, but our original plan
was that we'd come up here, and we'd be able to do
a few simple experiments,
and we'd be able to fly a drone over the crater
and actually look down into the volcano,
which would have been quite remarkable.
Here is some library footage.
As a consolation prize for seeing the square root
of bugger all, Giuseppe gives me
a whistle-stop tour of the office.
Is this some sort of volcano DEFCON?
In some sense.
[James] Turns out that as well as being a volcanologist,
Giuseppe's also a keen baker.
When a cake is, uh, is cooking, inflate.
- [James] Yeah. - [Giuseppe] So, when the magma is coming up,
the summit of the volcano inflate.
When the eruption start,
- start to deflate. - Yes.
Like a cake.
[James] The team monitor
how well Etna is baking with 150 sensors
based in and around the crater.
Do you ever wake up at night thinking, "Shit,
there's a massive volcano just down the road"?
[Giuseppe] Italy is a leader in the world
- for monitoring active volcanoes. - [James] Okay.
But because, anyway, you can sit
en-enjoying a glass of wine
- and watching eruptions in a sweet life. - Exactly.
- La dolce vita. [laughs] - Glass of wine, watching the eruptions.
So, there's our second Italian rule. We've arrived at one.
No cappuccino after 11:00 a.m.
Live near a volcano and just have a glass of wine.
- [Giuseppe] Yes. - Thank you. That's excellent advice.
Ironically,
Etna blew off a week later,
and Giuseppe has been molto schifoso ever since.
The next day, with Claudia
still working her way through the final 60 crates,
I'm winding "O sole mio" to the small hilltop village
of Castelmola.
Now, Italy is widely known for its glittering contributions
to the world of music,
from Monteverdi and Pavarotti
to Italo disco legend, Gazebo.
But Sicily has its own mercifully unique contribution.
Now, most English people would associate the bagpipe
with Scottish expansionism into places
like Leicester Square, but actually the history
of the instrument is a lot more complicated than that.
It may have been known in antiquity
to the ancient Greeks.
The bagpipes in Europe
almost certainly made their way here
via Spain for obvious reasons
from the Arab world, and in the Middle Ages,
the bagpipe was simply one of many popular folk instruments
that have since fallen into disuse, like the racket,
the crumhorn, the rebeck, the hurdy gurdy,
the portative organ.
Here in Sicily, they have a particular strain
of bagpipe called the ciaramedda.
And I'm going to meet a man called Pippo,
who makes them and I'm afraid...
plays them.
The ciaramedda, with its bag
made from sheep or goatskin,
was traditionally used by farmers to cheer up
the locals as they herded their livestock around.
"Zambogna" is the general word for "bagpipe."
Now that's interesting.
Um, how the hell do you play that without four hands?
Luckily for everyone in the room,
we were about to find out.
Tragically, the ciaramedda almost died out completely.
But thankfully, Pippo has helped keep the instrument alive
by making them for the last
60 years.
Bravissimo, signor.
- Fantastico. Very, very... - [applause]
I think I like the ciaramedda.
Um, I was trying to work out the fingering
as you were doing that, so...
[vocalizing] ...and that's the leading note there?
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah?
And then, this side, God knows what you were doing there.
That is virtually impossible 'cause you need two brains.
One to play the recorder
and another one to play the recorder.
Why am I even agreeing to this? Can I try one with a bag?
Brace yourselves for the sound of me fingering
some beautifully turned apricot wood
and blowing through an ex-goat.
That was very briefly Ivor Cutler's
"Oh, you, lemon flower, the leaf is sweet,
but the fruit is sour." Did anybody get that?
[all] No.
The slightly alarming thing about that
was as the bag deflated,
it smelled faintly of stale vino rosso.
But that might have been something to do with last night.
So, to play the ciaramedda,
you need four hands, the lungs of a horse,
and to have not drunk a vineyard dry the day before.
Anyway, token toe-curling bit
ticked off, now I can enjoy Pippo on his lathe
in his exquisite workshop.
Bella.
While watching a craftsman
create something from nothing is my cup of chino...
The smell of that wood being cut off is tremendous.
...director Tom has other ideas...
- [Tom] James? - Yes.
[Tom] I know you love the lathe and everything,
but you've got a performance in about half an hour.
What, my performance? You mean their performance?
No, you're playing, half an hour, 12:00 on the square.
Well, I can't possibly play the bagpipes.
[Tom] Yes you can, you'll be fine.
Well, I can't, I haven't got big enough lungs,
and I don't know the fingering.
For once, I decided to stand firm
and not be made to look foolish
in the name of light entertainment.
I was overruled.
Robert Fripp, of King Crimson fame,
once said, "Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence."
Although he might want to revise that in a couple of minutes.
And, yes, for the avoidance of doubt,
I hate Tom, all right?
With the whole band playing together, it's actually quite
a lovely sound.
So I joined in.
I'm not sure the crowd are into this.
I'm not sure my bandmates are, either.
[James] Bravissimo, bravissimo.
[James] Bravissimo. Grazie, signore.
- Grazie, grazie. - [applause]
- So, Pippo? - Yeah?
How am I at ciaramedda?
"This is the best ciaramedda playing
I have ever heard in the whole of Sicily."
- [laughter] - I translate.
He says bravo to me for my efforts.
And I will be leader of the band within the next six months.
"I feel sick listening to you play the ciaramedda."
- [speaks Italian] - Goodbye and don't ever come back.
- [laughs] Okay. - Cut.
♪ ♪
There's a bit of a pattern developing
to this show which is that I
go and attempt to do something, and then afterwards you join me
in the car, we're alone, and I apologize
for having attempted to do it.
I did love Pippo's workshop.
The bits of film we made with me
talking to Pippo and Pippo demonstrating
his lathe and his tools,
that's all gonna go in the bit in the edit and Tom the director
will put some cheap library music over some slow motion
shots of sawdust flying about, that's it.
In fact, it's already happened, hasn't it?
I should probably call a truce
on the ongoing battle with Tom and the producers,
or they'll make me do something else ridiculous, like
traditional Sicilian child throwing,
or polo in canoes.
Canoe polo is something I've never even heard of,
to be honest, and as far as I can make out,
it's like polo, but you play it in canoes.
The rules to canoe polo, as shown
by the nail-biting European championships,
are like basketball,
only with greater risk of drowning.
Each team of five passes the ball by chucking it.
You can't hold onto the ball for more
than five seconds, or you hear a sound
- like this. - [whistle blows]
Also there's no running, jumping, ducking,
bombing or inflatables.
The team with the most goals wins.
So today, I'm joining the European champions
- to give their opponents a sporting chance. - [whistle blows]
- [James] And they are under 21. - [instructor] Yes.
- [James] These are all women's teams? - [instructor] Yeah.
Okay, you know I'm not a woman?
No. [laughs]
[James] Cue the obligatory costume change...
...into something designed for a teenage girl
who doesn't have to worry about certain effects
of the cold.
I hope the helmet's big enough.
Tom has arranged this to humiliate me, sì?
- [Tom] Sì. - Sì, good.
- [James] Scusi. - [instructor] No problem.
So this is like a tutu?
Yeah. [laughs]
- Oh, sorry, can I? - Yes, of course.
Right, this way.
Which is the front?
Right, let's get this over with.
Now, because we're nearing the end of the film,
and time is of the essence...
- [whistle blows] - here are my best bits.
It won't go straight, Tom.
There's something wrong with it.
Where is the ball?
It's hard to believe from what you can see here,
but there's actually a match going on around me.
Bollocks.
Not that it will come as any surprise,
nor will anyone even care...
Ah! Ah! I'm going backwards.
...but my team lost.
Ah! [laughs]
Honestly, it's so exhausting and they're all 21.
- [groans] - Yeah, I expected he could have
done much better than this, yeah.
[James] Can I just explain how this show works.
When we say, like, we went to Japan previously,
this time we decided to come to Italy,
and I said I would like to...
there's lots of art things I wanted to see,
I wanted to help restore a mosaic,
I wanted to do a bit about cooking,
I wanted to go to the Campagnolo bicycle components factory,
which I know you would have loved.
To that, they then add the things they think
it would be funny for me to do: snowball fighting, canoeing.
The program is Our Man In Italy
and at the beginning it says "James May,"
so I actually, ultimately say what we do
and we're going to a café for an exchange of gifts
and a doppio espresso and maybe un bicchieri vino bianco.
- Sì? - Sì.
That's much more interesting, isn't it,
than watching a twat flap about in a canoe.
Consider yourselves told, crew.
The doppio espresso merely delayed the inevitable,
an awkward goodbye.
- I have a gift for you. - [James] A gift?
- Yeah, un regalo. - Un regalo, ooh.
Beautifully wrapped.
Yeah, I did it.
- It's a board game. - Yeah.
It's a board game about Sicily. Should we play it?
To see if you know enough about Sicily.
There, that's nice, so there's Palermo,
where we were, where we went in the square
where the nuns had destroyed everything and
- chopped the man's * off. - [Claudia laughs]
[James] Such a generous offering
deserves something
of equal magnitude in return.
Great deal of thought has gone into this.
Grazie. Oh.
Very personal. And very heartfelt.
- It's your coppola. - Sì.
- Do I have to wear it? - Yes.
I think it looks better on you than me.
Let's just get the opinion of the crew.
- No, I don't think so. - [crew member] Sì.
- Sì? - [crew member] It's because she's Italian.
Grazie, James, molto gentile.
That's okay.
My ferry is impartenza very soon.
I'm really sad.
I'm sad as well.
- Lovely to meet you. - Okay.
Seriously, it's been absolutely fabulous
and I don't want this to be emotional because
we're on television and it will look inappropriate,
so I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna go.
- Okay, grazie. - All right.
- Grazie. - Sicily.
Bye, bye.
Oh, dear.
[James] I knew the editor would put
some schmaltzy lovey-dovey music over this bit.
Just as well, it's the end of the film
and I'll have forgotten about it by episode two...
that's when I arrive on the mainland.