WEBVTT

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Dude, if I have to sit
through another minute

00:00:05.291 --> 00:00:07.916
of this corny rom-com, I'm
gonna do something unthinkable.

00:00:07.958 --> 00:00:10.041
Like homework.

00:00:10.083 --> 00:00:12.333
Shh. This is the best part.

00:00:12.375 --> 00:00:14.541
When I lived with Dad, the
sappiest movie we ever watched

00:00:14.583 --> 00:00:17.000
was--
oh, Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

00:00:17.041 --> 00:00:20.000
When you lived with Dad,
you ate Pringles for dinner

00:00:20.041 --> 00:00:22.166
and didn't have hot
water half the time.

00:00:22.208 --> 00:00:24.458
Well, I'd rather freeze to death
in the shower than sit here

00:00:24.500 --> 00:00:26.375
watching white people trying
to stop other white people

00:00:26.416 --> 00:00:28.083
from getting married.

00:00:28.125 --> 00:00:30.875
Hey, I happen
to like movies about love

00:00:30.916 --> 00:00:32.750
when they make me feel
all warm and fuzzy.

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And anything
with The Rock in it.

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Especially Moana.

00:00:38.791 --> 00:00:40.958
He's a *er for romance.

00:00:41.000 --> 00:00:42.166
I love love.

00:00:42.208 --> 00:00:44.083
Clem and I are like a rom-com.Aw.

00:00:44.125 --> 00:00:46.083
The stars aligned,
destiny brought us together.

00:00:46.125 --> 00:00:47.583
I truly believe that.

00:00:47.625 --> 00:00:49.291
That's nothing to be
embarrassed about.Of course not.

00:00:49.333 --> 00:00:51.750
Totally is. What?

00:00:52.833 --> 00:00:55.416
I think it's sweet that
Nick is such a romantic.

00:00:55.458 --> 00:00:58.083
You know, he remembers
everything about us.

00:00:58.125 --> 00:00:59.500
First meal we shared?

00:00:59.541 --> 00:01:01.416
Hot dog. We ate it Lady and the Tramp
style.

00:01:02.333 --> 00:01:02.416
Clem knows everything there
is to know about us, too.

00:01:02.416 --> 00:01:04.125
Clem knows everything there
is to know about us, too.

00:01:04.166 --> 00:01:05.333
When was our first kiss?

00:01:05.375 --> 00:01:06.625
Central Park,

00:01:06.666 --> 00:01:08.041
near the ice rink.
Mm-hmm.

00:01:08.083 --> 00:01:10.000
That homeless guy asked if
he can get down with us.

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Yuck... That's right.

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Listen, it's great you guys
got together and all,

00:01:14.083 --> 00:01:16.000
but I hate to break it
to you: destiny

00:01:16.041 --> 00:01:19.375
Had nothing
to do with it.

00:01:19.416 --> 00:01:21.125
If you two hadn't met
each other, you would have met

00:01:21.166 --> 00:01:22.333
other people,
and you'd be saying

00:01:22.375 --> 00:01:24.000
you'd be destined
to be with them.

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Now can we please

00:01:25.625 --> 00:01:27.958
watch something rated "R"
for extreme violence and gore?

00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:31.000
No. And if you interrupt
Sandra Bullock one more time,

00:01:31.041 --> 00:01:32.833
there's gonna be a lot
of extreme violence and gore

00:01:32.875 --> 00:01:35.250
up in here.

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Clem, this place
is gonna be transformed

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for your engagement party.

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Standing table here, here,
and the bar

00:01:48.875 --> 00:01:50.916
will be over there.

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Which means
I will be over there.

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Don't worry, we'll put up
"do not serve" posters

00:02:00.666 --> 00:02:02.083
with Shannon's face
all over the bar.

00:02:03.958 --> 00:02:05.916
Well, Shannon's not the guest
I'm worried about.

00:02:05.958 --> 00:02:07.875
Your father has
insisted on inviting

00:02:07.916 --> 00:02:12.708
his old college buddy Joe,
and the man's in love with me.

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Oh, God. Here we go again.

00:02:15.583 --> 00:02:16.833
He is, Walt.

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And just because
you can't see it

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doesn't mean it's not there.

00:02:21.416 --> 00:02:23.041
Yeah,
like when we went to Ireland,

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and you swore you saw
a leprechaun?

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So, what are we gonna
do for music?

00:02:29.125 --> 00:02:30.666
Well,
it's too bad you don't know

00:02:30.750 --> 00:02:32.333
a Tony-nominated performer

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who could sing at the party--
oh, wait, you do. It's me. Me.

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You're gonna be busy, Walt.

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Because after the cocktail hour,

00:02:40.041 --> 00:02:43.125
your father will be
hosting The Nearly-Wed Game.

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What the hell is
a Nearly-Wed Game?

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It'll be fantastic. I'll ask
Clem and Nick questions

00:02:48.166 --> 00:02:49.916
about their relationship,

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and then they'll compare
answers to see how well

00:02:52.250 --> 00:02:54.000
they know each other.
Oh.

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Cool. You should totally ask
about when they had a three-way

00:02:56.666 --> 00:02:58.083
with a homeless man.

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It was not a three-way.

00:03:02.041 --> 00:03:05.041
One person got *,
it was not us.

00:03:06.291 --> 00:03:08.875
Okay, okay. Well, I'll
give you an example

00:03:08.916 --> 00:03:10.375
of what kind of
question I might ask.

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Uh, all right. What was the
name of Clem's first pet?

00:03:15.041 --> 00:03:17.791
Goldie the goldfish.

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May she rest in peace. Jinx!

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Ooh!

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And after the game,
I will give my speech.

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It's gonna be so funny.

00:03:25.375 --> 00:03:27.666
Oh, yeah? Who's gonna give it?

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Me. In fact, why don't I give
you a taste of the goods?

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Ooh.

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"They say
when you marry someone,

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"you marry
their whole family.

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Well, I hope that's not true,
because that's polygamy."

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'Cause, 'cause it's illegal.

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And that's her opener.

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Sweetheart,
as funny as you are,

00:03:59.916 --> 00:04:02.541
maybe you ought to try

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the more romantic route.

00:04:03.875 --> 00:04:05.291
Like, uh-- ooh.

00:04:05.333 --> 00:04:07.708
Tell the story
about how you and Nick met.

00:04:07.750 --> 00:04:09.083
Oh, Rose, that
is a great idea.

00:04:09.125 --> 00:04:11.083
We know you
met in a bar,

00:04:11.125 --> 00:04:12.750
but I don't think we
know the whole story.

00:04:12.791 --> 00:04:13.916
Mm-mm.

00:04:13.958 --> 00:04:16.750
The whole story?
About how wemet?

00:04:16.791 --> 00:04:18.166
Yeah, yeah, the whole story.

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Ah, no. I don't think
anyone cares about that.

00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:22.833
Oh, come on, Clem.
Just because I don't care

00:04:22.875 --> 00:04:25.791
doesn't mean nobody cares.

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Hey, people love
that kind of stuff.

00:04:29.208 --> 00:04:31.083
Come on. What do you say?

00:04:31.125 --> 00:04:33.208
Sure.

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Wonderful.

00:04:34.416 --> 00:04:35.750
I remember

00:04:35.791 --> 00:04:39.166
how your father
swept me off of my feet.

00:04:39.208 --> 00:04:44.000
It was in a hot
little jazz club in Harlem.

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And Joe has been
heartbroken ever since.

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Yeah.

00:04:51.625 --> 00:04:53.458
And
the leprechaun disappeared

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into a hollow log.

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Walt.

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I know what I know,
and I saw what I saw.

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Shannon.

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I mean...
Shannon.

00:05:16.666 --> 00:05:19.000
Evan. I mean...

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Help.

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My parents are going
to the engagement party.

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I'll be there, too.
Are you looking forward to it?

00:05:25.500 --> 00:05:27.250
I was.

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Would you open the trash chute?

00:05:29.083 --> 00:05:30.625
Oh. Oh, I shouldn't.

00:05:30.666 --> 00:05:32.208
I'm allergic to bees.

00:05:32.250 --> 00:05:34.583
The last time I threw out the
trash, I got stung by one.

00:05:34.625 --> 00:05:36.916
My tongue swelled up so
much that I couldn't speak.

00:05:38.125 --> 00:05:40.125
Come on, bees. Save me.

00:05:42.250 --> 00:05:44.500
I'm allergic
to basically everything.

00:05:44.541 --> 00:05:46.416
That's why I always keep
an EpiPen in my pocket.

00:05:46.458 --> 00:05:49.250
And I thought you were
just excited to see me.

00:05:49.291 --> 00:05:50.916
Uh, I am excited to see you.

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Oh, Evan, you sweet little
innocent boy, you.

00:05:53.833 --> 00:05:55.416
See you, virgin.

00:05:55.458 --> 00:05:57.083
What-- what makes you think
I'm a...?

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Mm, she's right.

00:06:00.333 --> 00:06:04.250
Ugh. Evan is so desperate.

00:06:04.291 --> 00:06:06.208
Why do you find guys like that
attractive?

00:06:08.291 --> 00:06:09.625
Excuse me?

00:06:09.708 --> 00:06:10.875
Well, you know, Nick and Evan
are, like, basically

00:06:10.916 --> 00:06:13.083
the same person,
so I'm just wondering,

00:06:13.125 --> 00:06:15.375
at what age
do we start settling?

00:06:15.416 --> 00:06:18.291
Can you not right now?
I'm freaking out.

00:06:18.333 --> 00:06:20.958
I'm working on this speech
about how I met Nick.

00:06:21.000 --> 00:06:22.208
So?

00:06:22.250 --> 00:06:25.791
So, I don't remember
how I met Nick.

00:06:25.833 --> 00:06:27.833
What?

00:06:27.875 --> 00:06:29.250
I was super drunk,

00:06:29.291 --> 00:06:31.583
and I don't remember anything
from that night.

00:06:31.625 --> 00:06:32.750
But I guess I met him

00:06:32.791 --> 00:06:34.916
at some bar,
and he gave me his number.

00:06:34.958 --> 00:06:37.333
Wait, so you texted him, even
though you didn't remember him?

00:06:37.375 --> 00:06:39.541
Not exactly.

00:06:39.583 --> 00:06:41.750
I just got here.
I don't see you.

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I'm sitting at a table.

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Where?

00:06:46.333 --> 00:06:47.791
Hey.
Hi?

00:06:49.375 --> 00:06:50.916
Nick?Yeah.

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From the other night.

00:06:51.791 --> 00:06:53.416
Nick from the other night.

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I remember you.

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Yeah.

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Uh, which is why I texted you.

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Obviously.

00:07:01.083 --> 00:07:02.458
Well, I remember, too.

00:07:02.500 --> 00:07:04.750
Which is why I showed up.

00:07:04.791 --> 00:07:06.166
Obviously.

00:07:06.208 --> 00:07:07.291
Yeah.
Here...

00:07:07.333 --> 00:07:10.083
Yeah, thank you.

00:07:10.125 --> 00:07:11.166
Wow. Uh...

00:07:11.208 --> 00:07:12.541
Are these flowers for me?

00:07:12.583 --> 00:07:13.791
These? Yeah.

00:07:13.833 --> 00:07:15.958
You know, who else
would they be for?

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"For my Poopkins."

00:07:20.208 --> 00:07:21.500
Poopkins?

00:07:21.541 --> 00:07:23.500
Yeah, I just...

00:07:23.541 --> 00:07:27.375
you just looked like a Poopkins,
so I, I took a swing.

00:07:27.416 --> 00:07:29.125
It-it was, it was stupid.

00:07:29.166 --> 00:07:31.500
No, it-it's sweet.

00:07:31.541 --> 00:07:36.166
This whole thing
is surprisingly sweet.

00:07:37.791 --> 00:07:40.666
Oh, my God, I love this story!

00:07:44.250 --> 00:07:46.375
It's not funny, Shannon.

00:07:46.416 --> 00:07:47.708
Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
So what do you do

00:07:47.750 --> 00:07:49.083
when people ask
how you guys met?

00:07:49.125 --> 00:07:50.875
Oh, my God, what's that?What?

00:07:50.916 --> 00:07:53.083
That's what I do.

00:07:53.125 --> 00:07:55.625
I love that the night
you guys met was so romantic

00:07:55.708 --> 00:07:59.041
that he named you Poopkins,
and you don't even remember.

00:07:59.083 --> 00:08:00.291
Ha!

00:08:02.458 --> 00:08:04.000
What am I gonna do?

00:08:04.041 --> 00:08:07.583
Tomorrow night I have to give
a speech about how we met,

00:08:07.625 --> 00:08:09.791
and if Nick finds out
that I don't remember,

00:08:09.833 --> 00:08:11.000
it'll break his heart.

00:08:11.041 --> 00:08:14.833
Hey, um, you always got
the other Nick.

00:08:16.500 --> 00:08:19.166
What? Maybe he's up.

00:08:27.791 --> 00:08:29.958
Are you sure this is
the bar where I met Nick?

00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:32.041
Tell me everything
that you remember.

00:08:32.083 --> 00:08:34.500
Girl, I remember everything.

00:08:34.541 --> 00:08:36.333
Oh, thank God.

00:08:36.375 --> 00:08:38.083
I love you. Go.Okay.

00:08:38.125 --> 00:08:41.958
There was a thunderstorm, so you
looked, like, all wet and *y.

00:08:43.250 --> 00:08:45.416
And you saw Nick from across
the room. Your eyes met,

00:08:45.458 --> 00:08:47.041
and you turned
to me and you said

00:08:47.083 --> 00:08:50.625
"That is
the man I'm going to marry."

00:08:50.666 --> 00:08:52.291
Oh, I did?

00:08:52.333 --> 00:08:55.041
Mm-hmm. And as you guys walked
toward each other,

00:08:55.083 --> 00:08:57.833
it was as if everyone else
in the bar disappeared.

00:08:57.875 --> 00:08:59.250
And then you said

00:08:59.291 --> 00:09:01.041
the most romantic thing.

00:09:01.083 --> 00:09:02.166
What did I say?

00:09:02.208 --> 00:09:06.166
You said, "I'm just a girl,

00:09:06.208 --> 00:09:11.000
standing in front of a boy,
asking him to love her."

00:09:13.916 --> 00:09:15.916
That's from Notting Hill.

00:09:15.958 --> 00:09:18.416
I know. I love
that movie.

00:09:20.458 --> 00:09:22.291
If you don't remember
how I met Nick,

00:09:22.333 --> 00:09:23.666
why did you say
that you did?

00:09:23.708 --> 00:09:26.083
Because, ever since
you met Nicky,

00:09:26.125 --> 00:09:27.708
you're all in
love and boring,

00:09:27.750 --> 00:09:30.625
and I really miss day
drinking with you.

00:09:33.750 --> 00:09:34.458
the speech, Ben.

00:09:34.500 --> 00:09:35.791
I have to tell Nick the truth.

00:09:35.833 --> 00:09:38.250
I mean... do you think
that he'll understand?

00:09:38.291 --> 00:09:40.166
Of course he'll understand;
he loves you.

00:09:40.208 --> 00:09:42.541
Or he'll dump your *,
and you're back to being

00:09:42.583 --> 00:09:45.250
my hot mess bestie.
It's a win-win, you know?

00:09:47.041 --> 00:09:48.291
My dad's running low
on Cheetos.

00:09:48.333 --> 00:09:50.125
Oh, hey, Ben.
I didn't see you come in.

00:09:50.166 --> 00:09:51.708
I've been hiding
out in the kitchen.

00:09:51.750 --> 00:09:54.416
I'm pretty sure I had *
with one of your cousins.

00:09:55.458 --> 00:09:57.416
So, Nick, I
was thinking,

00:09:57.458 --> 00:10:00.750
what if I didn't tell
the story of how we met?

00:10:00.791 --> 00:10:02.333
Babe, come on.
Everyone wants to hear.

00:10:02.375 --> 00:10:04.125
I know, it's just--

00:10:04.208 --> 00:10:06.375
it's... it's so good.

00:10:06.416 --> 00:10:08.375
And it might make

00:10:08.416 --> 00:10:10.458
people feel bad about
their relationships,

00:10:10.500 --> 00:10:13.583
and... that's not what
this night is about.

00:10:13.625 --> 00:10:15.375
Clem, what's going on?

00:10:15.416 --> 00:10:17.375
I don't remember
how we met.

00:10:25.250 --> 00:10:26.500
I'll take these to Daddy.

00:10:30.750 --> 00:10:33.416
You don't remember
how we met?
I was hammered.

00:10:33.500 --> 00:10:35.250
And I should have told you
but I didn't tell you

00:10:35.291 --> 00:10:37.291
and then I waited
too long and then

00:10:37.333 --> 00:10:38.541
I couldn't tell you.

00:10:38.583 --> 00:10:41.125
I'm sure it was some
super romantic story,

00:10:41.166 --> 00:10:42.666
but I don't
remember any of it.

00:10:42.708 --> 00:10:43.958
I'm sorry.

00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:46.916
I don't remember
how we met either.

00:10:46.958 --> 00:10:48.500
What?

00:10:48.541 --> 00:10:50.208
I was completely
wasted, too.

00:10:50.250 --> 00:10:51.500
But you never
get wasted.

00:10:51.541 --> 00:10:53.750
I had two drinks and...

00:10:53.791 --> 00:10:56.583
I was taking antibiotics
for my eye infection, so...

00:10:56.625 --> 00:10:58.208
Oh, my God, this
is such a relief.

00:10:58.208 --> 00:10:59.000
Wait, hang on.

00:10:59.041 --> 00:10:59.958
Quick question.

00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:01.375
If you don't
remember meeting me,

00:11:01.416 --> 00:11:04.083
then why did you rush to
see me when I texted you?

00:11:05.541 --> 00:11:07.375
And bring me flowers?

00:11:07.416 --> 00:11:10.916
'Cause I'm
a big ol' cutie.

00:11:12.958 --> 00:11:14.625
No. No, no,
no, no, no, no.

00:11:14.666 --> 00:11:16.166
They were for
a "Poopkins."

00:11:16.208 --> 00:11:18.375
Who the hell
is Poopkins?

00:11:18.416 --> 00:11:21.083
Poopkins...

00:11:21.125 --> 00:11:24.500
was Kristen.Your ex-girlfriend?

00:11:24.541 --> 00:11:25.875
We had just broken up

00:11:25.916 --> 00:11:28.708
and I deleted her
number from my phone.

00:11:28.750 --> 00:11:30.625
So, when you texted,
I thought it was Kristen

00:11:30.708 --> 00:11:32.625
trying to get back together.

00:11:32.666 --> 00:11:34.250
Wow.

00:11:34.291 --> 00:11:35.583
"Wow"?

00:11:35.625 --> 00:11:37.541
Go wow yourself,
because if you don't remember

00:11:37.583 --> 00:11:40.000
meeting me, why'd you text,
"U up?"

00:11:42.625 --> 00:11:46.208
'Cause... I'ma big ol' cutie?

00:11:46.250 --> 00:11:47.916
No-no, no-no,

00:11:47.958 --> 00:11:49.416
no-no-no-no-no,
you thought

00:11:49.458 --> 00:11:51.000
you were meeting
someone different, too.

00:11:51.041 --> 00:11:52.041
Who was it?

00:11:52.083 --> 00:11:53.416
Fine, it was a different Nick.

00:11:53.458 --> 00:11:54.541
Which Nick?

00:11:54.583 --> 00:11:57.000
This dentist that I used
to hook up with.

00:11:57.083 --> 00:12:00.416
You were texting
your booty call Nick?

00:12:00.458 --> 00:12:01.708
Booty Call Nick?

00:12:03.125 --> 00:12:04.333
Unbelievable.

00:12:04.375 --> 00:12:06.208
What's unbelievable
is that you were trying

00:12:06.250 --> 00:12:08.625
to get back together with
a woman that you loved.

00:12:08.666 --> 00:12:09.666
Well, at least I wasn't
trying to bone

00:12:09.708 --> 00:12:11.625
any random Nick
in my phone!

00:12:13.250 --> 00:12:17.416
It's time to play
The Nearly-Wed Game!

00:12:17.458 --> 00:12:19.208
Clem and Nick, come on down!

00:12:24.583 --> 00:12:25.833
Uh...All right, give me the mic.

00:12:25.875 --> 00:12:27.041
I'm making the speech.

00:12:27.083 --> 00:12:29.375
Uh, do I need to warn
the church people?

00:12:30.416 --> 00:12:32.416
Hello, old people.

00:12:34.583 --> 00:12:35.875
I'm Clem's sister, Shannon.

00:12:35.916 --> 00:12:37.875
Oh, God. What is she doing?

00:12:37.916 --> 00:12:40.208
See, Clem was supposed
to give a speech tonight

00:12:40.250 --> 00:12:41.541
about how her and Nick met.

00:12:41.583 --> 00:12:42.833
But the problem is,

00:12:42.875 --> 00:12:44.291
she doesn't remember anything
about that night

00:12:44.375 --> 00:12:45.666
because she was a drunk mess.

00:12:47.458 --> 00:12:48.750
Because she used to be fun.

00:12:48.791 --> 00:12:51.375
I'll drink to that.

00:12:51.416 --> 00:12:53.375
And Nick here doesn't remember
anything either

00:12:53.416 --> 00:12:55.416
because he's a little baby
who can't handle

00:12:55.458 --> 00:12:57.291
a Z-Pak and a Chardonnay.

00:12:58.916 --> 00:13:01.208
And that could have been
the end of the story, but no.

00:13:02.416 --> 00:13:04.083
Destiny brought them
back together.

00:13:04.125 --> 00:13:06.125
Come on, guys, seriously,
think about it.

00:13:06.166 --> 00:13:08.250
Think about all the stars
that had to align

00:13:08.291 --> 00:13:09.541
to make this happen.

00:13:09.583 --> 00:13:12.083
Nick had to have been
pathetically obsessing

00:13:12.125 --> 00:13:13.958
over his ex and Clem had to have

00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:15.916
accidentally texted
the wrong guy

00:13:15.958 --> 00:13:17.791
because she was *
for man meat-- it's beautiful.

00:13:18.791 --> 00:13:21.666
It's beautiful.

00:13:21.708 --> 00:13:23.500
You two are exactly
like those lame couples

00:13:23.541 --> 00:13:25.333
in those stupid rom-coms
you love.

00:13:25.375 --> 00:13:27.416
Dude, it's such a cliché.
The * best friend.

00:13:27.458 --> 00:13:31.250
The cynical sister
who makes the dope speech

00:13:31.333 --> 00:13:33.125
that brings the couple
back together.