dramatic music playing
ominous music plays
- Ah, ***.
She thinks the house is haunted again.
She probably just heard you
moaning last night when you were making love to Manuela.
- Ay, no mames.
- Mi hijo.
- A ver tú.
Ah, ***.
- Damn, fool.
You ate ***.
- For real. - That fall was embarrassing, dawg.
Hey, luckily I recorded it.
- Hey, the streets are for cars, my boy, not for running.
theme music playing
This room has potential.
I'm gonna enjoy it once all your stupid punk *** is gone
and I can get past the thought
that you've jacked off in here like a thousand times.
- Hey, I haven't even moved out yet.
What am I supposed to do with that box?
- Uh, maybe walk around it. Not my problem.
I'm gonna save so much money moving back in here.
- No money is worth having to hear Luis snore through the walls.
That fool, he has sleep apnea.
Ana! - Shut up. I'm doing Maggie a favor.
Muzak playing
- Tía.
- Okay, now, you made a great choice, youngblood.
You look like a Mexican James Bond.
A real man.
Not like that * Daniel Craig
all depressed and ***.
- You know, I get down with that fool Pierce Brosnan,
that GoldenEye ***.
- Oh, Pierce is a bigger * than Daniel.
But he looks good. And so will you.
- Uh, we do in-house alterations here.
I can have it done by tomorrow.
- Okay, we take this one for job interviews.
- This gentleman right here will have no problem finding a job.
He's got potential!
I could tell that the moment he walked in the store.
Ay, Luisito.
- Hey, homey, what the *** you doing?
- Let go of me, you ***in' snitch.
Hell no, big dawg.
Get up.
I used to do the same ***, and I wish somebody was there to stop me.
- Here. You want these shirts?
I catch you in here again I'm gonna shove 'em up your *!
Now get outta here!
***. My bad, OG. I'll pay for this.
- Amigo, please. Don't insult me.
You can have the suit for free.
- Nah, nah, come on, I can't accept that.
- Well, then come work for me, then you get it for free.
- For real?
- Man, I'm getting too old to be chasing these thieves.
I need someone like you for a security guard.
Also, we got a lot of little Latino boys coming in for their quinceañero suits.
- Oh, yeah, you mean their chambelanes?
- Yeah, that's what I said. Quinceañero.
Can you start tomorrow?
- Wait. You're giving me a job? - I'm giving you a job.
- Hell, yeah, homey!
- A job, Luisito!
- Hell, yeah!
Y'all hear that?
Let all the thieves know,
this store belongs to Luis mother***in' Hernandez!
This one's good, but...
...just doesn't have a cross breeze.
- Dude, you know this place is great.
It has two bathrooms, so we can blow them up at the same time.
- *** expensive.
We'll be fine.
Stop being such a little ***.
- What if I like being a little ***?
- Then I'll cut your * off and feed them to Roger.
Do you wanna eat your daddy's *, Roger?
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
- Please don't talk like that and say nom nom.
It makes me sick.
- I didn't say it, Roger said it.
- Okay. But you have to promise
that we're gonna keep the new place clean.
- I promise to make a good faith effort
to respect your weird-*** OCD ***
that you refuse to seek therapy for.
- Thank you.
Okay. Imma submit the application
right
n-n-now.
Hey, fool, you still limping?
If you were a horse, they'd have to take you out back
and do you like they did Old Yeller.
- Hey, where'd you get that suit?
The kid's section of JCPenney?
- Hey! I need both of you to come with me right now.
Our oven exploded last night.
We have a huge order to fill at Northgate Market.
If we don't deliver, they're gonna cancel the whole ***in' contract, okay?
- The oven exploded? How?
- I don't know. Gas leak or some ***.
Probably we're just ***in' cursed.
But seriously, we gotta go.
Fool, we got a lot of *** to set up
for the graduation ceremony.
- You got wax in your ears or what?
I said we gotta go!
- Alight, alright. Payne, we got you.
But aren't you gonna compliment my suit first?
- Get in the van!
- Alright. Come on, let's go.
- Payne, why did we park all the way down here?
Now we gotta walk up this steep-*** hill.
- You think that ***in' van's gonna make it up this hill?
This *** is steep.
I'm wearing the wrong ***in' shoes for this.
- Okay, listen, I don't have enough cash to cover the price
this guy is asking me for the oven,
so I'm gonna have to negotiate him down a bit.
Just go along with whatever I say.
- Wait. But we just got that big-*** donation.
- We don't have the money yet.
Billionaires are on billionaire time.
- Hey, but didn't they give you a check after you smashed that dude's wife?
Yes, but I lost it, okay?
So I'm waiting for them to send me another.
Until then, we're strapped for cash.
- Wait. You lost a $15 million check?
- Hey, I'm the one who whored himself out, okay?
You guys were the ducks, I was the goose.
Cut me a little ***in' slack, okay?
- Dawg, you okay? - I'm fine. Let's just focus here.
Hey, we should have just made 'em
give you one of those big-*** checks like when you win the lottery, you know.
- Yeah. You can't lose those.
- So, like I said before, it's a thousand for the oven.
A thousand? No! No, no, no, no, no.
First of all, it looks a lot smaller than it did in the photos.
It actually looks tiny.
It's basically like an Easy-Bake Oven.
Come on, this ain't worth a grand.
- I put the dimensions in the listing. The oven's a thousand.
If you don't want it, I got someone else that's interested.
- Well, do you have a measuring tape around
so I can double check these dimensions?
Not that I don't trust you, but... I guess I don't.
Okay, each of you grab a side. We're gonna steal this ***.
- Payne, you're acting ***in' nuts.
- Hey, no can do, Dr. Payne.
I work in loss prevention now.
Stealing goes against everything I stand for as a security officer.
- You don't wanna help me? Fine, alright?
It's up to me to be the goddamn goose again.
Okay. Okay.
Hammer time, ***.
- Ohh! - Oh, ***.
- What the ***?
- I just noticed this big dent right here on the side of the oven.
Now, with a dent like this, I can't give you more than 500 bucks.
- You're holding the ***in' sledgehammer in your hand!
I'm calling the cops!
- I would think twice about that if I were you, alright?
You ever hear of Hugs Not Thugs?
These two psychos right here, they're gang members.
- Isn't that the place that reforms gang members?
Yeah.
And sometimes we don't do our job right and they don't get reformed.
Hold up. I'm reformed, alright?
Homey, I got a job and everything.
He's the exception to the rule.
But this sick *** right over here, Julio Loco,
he's gonna do the job for him.
- That guy's no gangster.
He looks like he likes Morrissey.
- I ***in' hate Morrissey!
- Well, your stupid pompadour says different.
- Oh, *** you. This is a gentleman's cut.
Whoa!
- The value keeps going down.
- Okay, fine. You can have it for $500.
Just get the *** out of my garage.
- Appreciate it.
Okay, let's go.
- Hey, Louis, I don't care that you're a rent-a-cop.
Give us a hand here.
- Hey, you're lucky I don't snitch on you fools.
I'm a civilian now, so we're allowed to snitch.
- Payne, why'd you bash the oven?
Who knows if it'll even work now?
- Just shut up!
Julio! Don't let go!
- Sorry, I rolled my ankle, but I got it now.
- Okay. - I got.
- Julio! Julio!
***!
- Oh, ***!
Ohh!
***.
- God damn.
Ohh!
- That's it.
We're losing the account.
It's all good.
We have $15 million coming in.
We can buy a new van.
- Guess we're gonna have to catch a ride to graduation.
Should we call 9-1-1?
- Nah.
Just leave it.
- I want to congratulate this class of huggers for their hard work,
as well as their families for supporting them
through this tough transition in their life.
But I also wanna congratulate... me,
for putting up with the most difficult person
I've ever dealt with as a caseworker.
My dumb-*** cousin Luis.
I see you, playboy.
- Now I want to introduce one of the greatest people I've ever met.
This man will do anything for this program,
and I mean anything.
His generosity is abnormally big.
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for Minister Payne.
hip-hop song playing
- Yeah! - Whoo!
Seriously stop. We need to move out.
song continues
You can stop now.
Turn off the ***in' music or I'll kill you!
song stops
I'm gonna keep this short.
Um, I wanna say big congratulations
to the last graduating class of Hugs Not Thugs.
- Very proud of... - Last?
...the hard work you've done.
Unfortunately, as of today,
we are shutting down.
- Hey, Payne, you're joking, right?
- We ran out of money.
And it's all my fault.
I *** everything up.
Except for the one thing I actually needed to ***.
Uh, you don't know what I'm talking about. * it.
There's no reason why I can't tell you all everything.
Um, last week, a huge potential donor stopped by and offered us
$15 million in grant money.
And all this kind soul asked of us in return
was that I should *** his wife in front of him.
That's it.
Now, I've always said I would do anything,
anything at all to keep Hugs Not Thugs alive.
But I couldn't do it this time.
I wanted to.
I tried to.
But the truth is,
That's been an issue my entire life.
That's one of the many reasons my ex-wife divorced me.
I haven't had a date in two and a half years
because I cannot bear the humiliation
of buying condoms in a *** novelty store.
Between whoopee cushions and fake rubber ***,
that's my world.
- And don't let anyone ever tell you
size doesn't matter, because it does,
and it's ruining our lives right now! All of our lives!
Anyway, those *** billionaire ***s tore up that check
right in front of me and my big dawg.
So, thank you all for coming.
And I apologize for messing everything up.
- Nah. Nah, nah!
Hey, we can't let this place close just 'cause Payne has a big-*** chorizo.
That's right. Yeah, that's right.
We owe a lot to this place
and to Dr. Payne.
Everybody pull out your wallets. Just pony up.
We gotta save Hugs Not Thugs.
- We're $250,000 in debt.
Oh, I forgot to mention this is the point in the night
where we become a warehouse sale,
so, uh, take whatever you want.
A memento, some merch, a couch.
Go nuts. We're done here.
Very sorry.
You know, the world does not roll out the red carpet for you
when you start a nonprofit.
They raise your rent.
They deny you grants,
and then they tell you your *** is too big for their *a.
I've come to realize it's almost impossible
to be a good person.
- So you're just gonna give up on all this ***?
For now.
To be honest, part of me is relieved that Hugs Not Thugs is closing.
I mean, the constant stress of keeping this place afloat was killin' me.
- I've put years of my life into this place.
I ***in' need this.
I don't know what I'm gonna do now.
- Well, maybe that's a good thing.
Burning down your entire life forces you out of your comfort zone.
It makes you have to find a new path.
I mean, *** it. Maybe I'll go get my old evil job at the bank back.
Go manage another strip club.
At least it's steady work.
- Minister Payne.
Just want to say thank you for everything you did for me, big dawg.
I mean, you really helped change my life.
You too, Julio.
You're welcome, Fabian.
- Hey, you think I could get those chairs right there?
- Please.
- It's nice just to sit back and warm yourself
in the burning embers of your own life.
- Yeah.
- Guess what, honey toes sugar pie boo bear?
We got the apartment!
Sugar tits?
I read a statistic that 50% of nonprofits close within their first year.
It's a systemic problem.
You guys lasted ten years.
That's amazing.
And thankfully, there are other gang rehabs in LA.
I've heard Homeboy Industries is great.
The huggers will land on their feet.
- Yeah, they'll be fine. But what about me?
I won't to have money for the security deposit on our new place.
- I can cover the security deposit.
- Okay, but what happens when I can't find a job
and then you have to pay my rent?
- Then I'll cover your part of the rent until you can.
It's not a big deal.
- I'm not gonna let my girlfriend pay half of my rent.
- Julio, shut up.
You're not into that macho ***.
- Look, you're not the one that lost their job.
I'm ***in' worried, okay?
- You're right.
I'm sorry you lost your job, but I got your back.
Look, what if we take it a little slower...
- Okay. - ...and you move in here first?
Just for a couple months.
- Um, I don't know.
I mean, it's kinda small,
and it's you, me, Roger.
I don't think there's enough room for us.
We got big personalities.
- So what you're saying is, if it weren't for Roger,
you'd move in here.
Correct?
- Yeah, but I'm not gonna make you pick me over Roger.
- Not a problem.
It's an easy choice for me.
- What the *** are you doing?
- I'll cut him up into tiny pieces and make a Roger posole.
Oh, no, no, no. Una lasagna.
And then we can move in together
because if Roger is the only thing that's keeping us
from taking our relationship to the next level,
then he has to go.
- Hey, stop ***in' around.
- I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.
- Hey, just put Roger down.
- Five, four, three, two!
Wait. I admit it.
I don't wanna move in with you, okay?
You're messy. I don't have a job. I'm scared.
Also, sometimes I don't even think we're right for each other.
We just do this *** because it's convenient.
Look, I'm sorry.
- God.
I *** knew this whole time you'd find some excuse to back out.
You've been pulling this *** since high school.
Get the *** out of my apartment, Julio.
- You're still my honey toes, right?
hip-hop music playing
Hey, ain't this place great?
It's no palace, but it's all mine.
Hey, and check this out. I got that good toilet paper, baby.
- I'm happy for you, Luis.
You deserve it.
So where should I sleep?
- Hey, hey, you're the guest. Take the bed, big dawg.
- Oh, ***, for real?
- Nah, nah, nah, the bed's mine.
You can have the couch, alright?
But you might wanna get some of those noise-canceling headphones.
I'm gonna be smashing a lot, my boy.
We gotta get you back in the game too.
- I don't know how much smashing I'm gonna be doing.
- Hey, come on. Don't get all sad. Alright?
You and Maggie's relationship was all *** up.
You're smart, though. You got out before giving her a ring.
Could have been worse.
Could have been a baby.
You fools would have made an ugly-*** baby.
- I don't know about ugly.
- Come on, homey. - Trust me, alright? For real.
It would have been ugly.
Maybe you're right.
I feel horrible, but also kinda excited.
Gotta figure out something new.
I'm gonna spread my stupid ***in' wings.
- Hell, yeah, my boy!
And you finally moved out of your mom's pad.
Julio!
Nah, nah, I could do it.
I'll do it. I know how to do it.
Come on, no ***.
I can do it. I'm the one fixing up my pad.
- Oh, you mean the neighbor's garage?
- You live there too, idiot.
- You're gonna *** that place up.
I should *** you up.
Spanish song playing