WEBVTT

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dramatic music playing

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ominous music plays

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- Ah, ***.

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She thinks the house is haunted again.

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She probably just heard you

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moaning last night when
you were making love to Manuela.

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- Ay, no mames.

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- Mi hijo.

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- A ver tú.

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Ah, ***.

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- Damn, fool.

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You ate ***.

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- For real.
- That fall was embarrassing, dawg.

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Hey, luckily I recorded it.

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- Hey, the streets are for cars, my boy,
not for running.

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theme music playing

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This room has potential.

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I'm gonna enjoy it
once all your stupid punk *** is gone

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and I can get past the thought

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that you've jacked off in here
like a thousand times.

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- Hey, I haven't even moved out yet.

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What am I supposed to do with that box?

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- Uh, maybe walk around it.
Not my problem.

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I'm gonna save so much money
moving back in here.

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- No money is worth having to hear
Luis snore through the walls.

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That fool, he has sleep apnea.

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Ana!
- Shut up. I'm doing Maggie a favor.

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Muzak playing

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- Tía.

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- Okay, now, you made
a great choice, youngblood.

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You look like a Mexican James Bond.

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A real man.

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Not like that * Daniel Craig

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all depressed and ***.

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- You know, I get down
with that fool Pierce Brosnan,

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that GoldenEye ***.

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- Oh, Pierce is
a bigger * than Daniel.

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But he looks good. And so will you.

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- Uh, we do in-house alterations here.

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I can have it done by tomorrow.

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- Okay, we take this one
for job interviews.

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- This gentleman right here
will have no problem finding a job.

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He's got potential!

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I could tell that the moment
he walked in the store.

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Ay, Luisito.

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- Hey, homey, what the *** you doing?

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- Let go of me, you ***in' snitch.

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Hell no, big dawg.

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Get up.

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I used to do the same ***,
and I wish somebody was there to stop me.

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- Here. You want these shirts?

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I catch you in here again
I'm gonna shove 'em up your *!

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Now get outta here!

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***. My bad, OG.
I'll pay for this.

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- Amigo, please. Don't insult me.

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You can have the suit for free.

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- Nah, nah, come on, I can't accept that.

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- Well, then come work for me,
then you get it for free.

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- For real?

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- Man, I'm getting too old
to be chasing these thieves.

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I need someone like you
for a security guard.

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Also, we got a lot of little Latino boys
coming in for their quinceañero suits.

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- Oh, yeah, you mean their chambelanes?

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- Yeah, that's what I said. Quinceañero.

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Can you start tomorrow?

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- Wait. You're giving me a job?
- I'm giving you a job.

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- Hell, yeah, homey!

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- A job, Luisito!

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- Hell, yeah!

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Y'all hear that?

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Let all the thieves know,

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this store belongs to
Luis mother***in' Hernandez!

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This one's good, but...

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...just doesn't have a cross breeze.

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- Dude, you know this place is great.

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It has two bathrooms, so we can
blow them up at the same time.

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- *** expensive.

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We'll be fine.

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Stop being such a little ***.

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- What if I like being a little ***?

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- Then I'll cut your * off
and feed them to Roger.

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Do you wanna eat
your daddy's *, Roger?

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Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

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- Please don't talk like that
and say nom nom.

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It makes me sick.

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- I didn't say it, Roger said it.

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- Okay. But you have to promise

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that we're gonna keep
the new place clean.

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- I promise to make a good faith effort

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to respect your weird-*** OCD ***

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that you refuse to seek therapy for.

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- Thank you.

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Okay. Imma submit the application

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right

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n-n-now.

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Hey, fool, you still limping?

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If you were a horse,
they'd have to take you out back

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and do you like they did Old Yeller.

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- Hey, where'd you get that suit?

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The kid's section of JCPenney?

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- Hey! I need both of you
to come with me right now.

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Our oven exploded last night.

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We have a huge order
to fill at Northgate Market.

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If we don't deliver, they're gonna cancel
the whole ***in' contract, okay?

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- The oven exploded? How?

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- I don't know. Gas leak or some ***.

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Probably we're just ***in' cursed.

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But seriously, we gotta go.

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Fool, we got a lot of *** to set up

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for the graduation ceremony.

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- You got wax in your ears or what?

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I said we gotta go!

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- Alight, alright. Payne, we got you.

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But aren't you gonna
compliment my suit first?

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- Get in the van!

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- Alright. Come on, let's go.

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- Payne, why did we park
all the way down here?

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Now we gotta walk up this steep-*** hill.

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- You think that ***in' van's
gonna make it up this hill?

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This *** is steep.

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I'm wearing
the wrong ***in' shoes for this.

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- Okay, listen, I don't have
enough cash to cover the price

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this guy is asking me for the oven,

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so I'm gonna have to
negotiate him down a bit.

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Just go along with whatever I say.

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- Wait. But we just got
that big-*** donation.

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- We don't have the money yet.

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Billionaires are on billionaire time.

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- Hey, but didn't they give you a check
after you smashed that dude's wife?

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Yes, but I lost it, okay?

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So I'm waiting for them
to send me another.

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Until then, we're strapped for cash.

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- Wait. You lost a $15 million check?

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- Hey, I'm the one
who whored himself out, okay?

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You guys were the ducks, I was the goose.

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Cut me a little ***in' slack, okay?

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- Dawg, you okay?
- I'm fine. Let's just focus here.

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Hey, we should have just made 'em

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give you one of those big-*** checks
like when you win the lottery, you know.

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- Yeah. You can't lose those.

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- So, like I said before,
it's a thousand for the oven.

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A thousand? No! No, no, no, no, no.

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First of all, it looks a lot smaller
than it did in the photos.

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It actually looks tiny.

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It's basically like an Easy-Bake Oven.

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Come on, this ain't worth a grand.

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- I put the dimensions in the listing.
The oven's a thousand.

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If you don't want it,
I got someone else that's interested.

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- Well, do you have
a measuring tape around

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so I can double check these dimensions?

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Not that I don't trust you,
but... I guess I don't.

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Okay, each of you grab a side.
We're gonna steal this ***.

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- Payne, you're acting ***in' nuts.

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- Hey, no can do, Dr. Payne.

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I work in loss prevention now.

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Stealing goes against everything
I stand for as a security officer.

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- You don't wanna help me? Fine, alright?

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It's up to me to be
the goddamn goose again.

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Okay. Okay.

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Hammer time, ***.

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- Ohh!
- Oh, ***.

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- What the ***?

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- I just noticed this big dent right here
on the side of the oven.

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Now, with a dent like this,
I can't give you more than 500 bucks.

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- You're holding the ***in' sledgehammer
in your hand!

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I'm calling the cops!

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- I would think twice about that
if I were you, alright?

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You ever hear of Hugs Not Thugs?

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These two psychos right here,
they're gang members.

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- Isn't that the place
that reforms gang members?

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Yeah.

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And sometimes we don't do our job right
and they don't get reformed.

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Hold up. I'm reformed, alright?

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Homey, I got a job and everything.

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He's the exception to the rule.

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But this sick *** right over here,
Julio Loco,

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he's gonna do the job for him.

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- That guy's no gangster.

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He looks like he likes Morrissey.

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- I ***in' hate Morrissey!

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- Well, your stupid pompadour
says different.

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- Oh, *** you. This is a gentleman's cut.

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Whoa!

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- The value keeps going down.

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- Okay, fine. You can have it for $500.

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Just get the *** out of my garage.

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- Appreciate it.

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Okay, let's go.

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- Hey, Louis, I don't care
that you're a rent-a-cop.

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Give us a hand here.

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- Hey, you're lucky
I don't snitch on you fools.

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I'm a civilian now,
so we're allowed to snitch.

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- Payne, why'd you bash the oven?

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Who knows if it'll even work now?

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- Just shut up!

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Julio! Don't let go!

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- Sorry, I rolled my ankle,
but I got it now.

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- Okay.
- I got.

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- Julio! Julio!

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***!

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***!

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- Oh, ***!

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Ohh!

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***.

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- God damn.

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Ohh!

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- That's it.

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We're losing the account.

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It's all good.

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We have $15 million coming in.

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We can buy a new van.

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- Guess we're gonna have to
catch a ride to graduation.

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Should we call 9-1-1?

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- Nah.

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Just leave it.

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- I want to congratulate
this class of huggers for their hard work,

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as well as their families
for supporting them

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through this tough transition
in their life.

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But I also wanna congratulate... me,

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for putting up
with the most difficult person

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I've ever dealt with as a caseworker.

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My dumb-*** cousin Luis.

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I see you, playboy.

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- Now I want to introduce
one of the greatest people I've ever met.

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This man will do anything
for this program,

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and I mean anything.

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His generosity is abnormally big.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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put your hands together
for Minister Payne.

00:12:15.990 --> 00:12:17.241
hip-hop song playing

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- Yeah!
- Whoo!

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Seriously stop. We need to move out.

00:12:22.413 --> 00:12:23.539
song continues

00:12:23.539 --> 00:12:24.540
You can stop now.

00:12:24.540 --> 00:12:26.500
Turn off the ***in' music
or I'll kill you!

00:12:28.043 --> 00:12:29.503
song stops

00:12:29.503 --> 00:12:31.213
I'm gonna keep this short.

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Um, I wanna say big congratulations

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to the last graduating class
of Hugs Not Thugs.

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- Very proud of...
- Last?

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...the hard work you've done.

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Unfortunately, as of today,

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we are shutting down.

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- Hey, Payne, you're joking, right?

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- We ran out of money.

00:12:53.360 --> 00:12:54.945
And it's all my fault.

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I *** everything up.

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Except for the one thing
I actually needed to ***.

00:13:00.493 --> 00:13:03.788
Uh, you don't know
what I'm talking about. * it.

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There's no reason
why I can't tell you all everything.

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Um, last week, a huge potential donor
stopped by and offered us

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$15 million in grant money.

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And all this kind soul
asked of us in return

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was that I should *** his wife
in front of him.

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That's it.

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Now, I've always said
I would do anything,

00:13:30.439 --> 00:13:32.983
anything at all to keep
Hugs Not Thugs alive.

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But I couldn't do it this time.

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I wanted to.

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I tried to.

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But the truth is,

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That's been an issue my entire life.

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That's one of the many reasons
my ex-wife divorced me.

00:13:48.457 --> 00:13:50.751
I haven't had a date
in two and a half years

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because I cannot bear the humiliation

00:13:52.419 --> 00:13:55.923
of buying condoms
in a *** novelty store.

00:13:55.923 --> 00:13:59.468
Between whoopee cushions
and fake rubber ***,

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that's my world.

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- And don't let anyone ever tell you

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size doesn't matter, because it does,

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and it's ruining our lives right now!
All of our lives!

00:14:18.988 --> 00:14:22.533
Anyway, those *** billionaire ***s
tore up that check

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right in front of me and my big dawg.

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So, thank you all for coming.

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And I apologize for messing everything up.

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- Nah. Nah, nah!

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Hey, we can't let this place close
just 'cause Payne has a big-*** chorizo.

00:14:38.549 --> 00:14:40.134
That's right. Yeah, that's right.

00:14:41.093 --> 00:14:43.012
We owe a lot to this place

00:14:43.012 --> 00:14:44.179
and to Dr. Payne.

00:14:44.930 --> 00:14:46.640
Everybody pull out your wallets.
Just pony up.

00:14:46.640 --> 00:14:48.350
We gotta save Hugs Not Thugs.

00:14:52.646 --> 00:14:54.773
- We're $250,000 in debt.

00:14:57.568 --> 00:15:00.070
Oh, I forgot to mention
this is the point in the night

00:15:00.070 --> 00:15:01.488
where we become a warehouse sale,

00:15:01.488 --> 00:15:03.574
so, uh, take whatever you want.

00:15:03.574 --> 00:15:06.619
A memento, some merch, a couch.

00:15:06.619 --> 00:15:08.203
Go nuts. We're done here.

00:15:08.871 --> 00:15:09.872
Very sorry.

00:15:18.380 --> 00:15:21.091
You know, the world does not
roll out the red carpet for you

00:15:21.091 --> 00:15:22.676
when you start a nonprofit.

00:15:23.218 --> 00:15:24.470
They raise your rent.

00:15:25.137 --> 00:15:26.889
They deny you grants,

00:15:26.889 --> 00:15:30.351
and then they tell you your ***
is too big for their *a.

00:15:31.226 --> 00:15:33.228
I've come to realize
it's almost impossible

00:15:33.228 --> 00:15:34.229
to be a good person.

00:15:35.230 --> 00:15:37.066
- So you're just gonna
give up on all this ***?

00:15:37.066 --> 00:15:38.317
For now.

00:15:38.317 --> 00:15:42.321
To be honest, part of me is relieved
that Hugs Not Thugs is closing.

00:15:42.321 --> 00:15:46.367
I mean, the constant stress of
keeping this place afloat was killin' me.

00:15:46.367 --> 00:15:48.911
- I've put years of my life
into this place.

00:15:49.620 --> 00:15:51.246
I ***in' need this.

00:16:00.422 --> 00:16:01.840
I don't know what I'm gonna do now.

00:16:03.217 --> 00:16:04.760
- Well, maybe that's a good thing.

00:16:05.761 --> 00:16:09.139
Burning down your entire life
forces you out of your comfort zone.

00:16:09.139 --> 00:16:10.933
It makes you have to find a new path.

00:16:11.767 --> 00:16:14.853
I mean, *** it. Maybe I'll go get
my old evil job at the bank back.

00:16:15.562 --> 00:16:17.106
Go manage another strip club.

00:16:17.106 --> 00:16:19.400
At least it's steady work.

00:16:22.152 --> 00:16:23.487
- Minister Payne.

00:16:23.487 --> 00:16:26.573
Just want to say thank you
for everything you did for me, big dawg.

00:16:26.573 --> 00:16:28.951
I mean, you really helped change my life.

00:16:30.536 --> 00:16:31.578
You too, Julio.

00:16:32.121 --> 00:16:33.539
You're welcome, Fabian.

00:16:35.499 --> 00:16:37.001
- Hey, you think
I could get those chairs right there?

00:16:37.001 --> 00:16:37.960
- Please.

00:17:03.068 --> 00:17:05.821
- It's nice just to sit back
and warm yourself

00:17:05.821 --> 00:17:08.032
in the burning embers of your own life.

00:17:09.950 --> 00:17:10.909
- Yeah.

00:17:18.959 --> 00:17:21.587
- Guess what,
honey toes sugar pie boo bear?

00:17:22.671 --> 00:17:24.381
We got the apartment!

00:17:27.217 --> 00:17:28.260
Sugar tits?

00:17:29.386 --> 00:17:33.766
I read a statistic that 50% of nonprofits
close within their first year.

00:17:33.766 --> 00:17:35.851
It's a systemic problem.

00:17:36.602 --> 00:17:39.730
You guys lasted ten years.

00:17:39.730 --> 00:17:41.148
That's amazing.

00:17:42.357 --> 00:17:44.651
And thankfully,
there are other gang rehabs in LA.

00:17:44.651 --> 00:17:46.528
I've heard Homeboy Industries is great.

00:17:47.196 --> 00:17:49.281
The huggers will land on their feet.

00:17:49.281 --> 00:17:51.408
- Yeah, they'll be fine.
But what about me?

00:17:52.576 --> 00:17:55.079
I won't to have money
for the security deposit on our new place.

00:17:55.079 --> 00:17:56.580
- I can cover the security deposit.

00:17:57.039 --> 00:17:58.916
- Okay, but what happens
when I can't find a job

00:17:58.916 --> 00:18:00.000
and then you have to pay my rent?

00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:02.503
- Then I'll cover your part of the rent
until you can.

00:18:02.503 --> 00:18:04.171
It's not a big deal.

00:18:04.171 --> 00:18:06.590
- I'm not gonna let my girlfriend
pay half of my rent.

00:18:06.590 --> 00:18:08.092
- Julio, shut up.

00:18:08.092 --> 00:18:09.468
You're not into that macho ***.

00:18:09.468 --> 00:18:11.512
- Look, you're not the one
that lost their job.

00:18:11.512 --> 00:18:12.846
I'm ***in' worried, okay?

00:18:15.808 --> 00:18:16.892
- You're right.

00:18:18.352 --> 00:18:21.480
I'm sorry you lost your job,
but I got your back.

00:18:22.689 --> 00:18:24.358
Look, what if we
take it a little slower...

00:18:24.942 --> 00:18:27.569
- Okay.
- ...and you move in here first?

00:18:28.070 --> 00:18:29.530
Just for a couple months.

00:18:36.912 --> 00:18:38.163
- Um, I don't know.

00:18:38.163 --> 00:18:41.041
I mean, it's kinda small,

00:18:41.041 --> 00:18:44.419
and it's you, me, Roger.

00:18:45.003 --> 00:18:46.630
I don't think there's enough room for us.

00:18:47.381 --> 00:18:48.715
We got big personalities.

00:18:49.550 --> 00:18:54.179
- So what you're saying is,
if it weren't for Roger,

00:18:54.930 --> 00:18:56.098
you'd move in here.

00:18:56.431 --> 00:18:57.558
Correct?

00:18:57.558 --> 00:18:59.768
- Yeah, but I'm not gonna
make you pick me over Roger.

00:18:59.768 --> 00:19:01.603
- Not a problem.

00:19:01.603 --> 00:19:03.230
It's an easy choice for me.

00:19:08.360 --> 00:19:10.237
- What the *** are you doing?

00:19:10.237 --> 00:19:13.407
- I'll cut him up into tiny pieces
and make a Roger posole.

00:19:13.407 --> 00:19:15.576
Oh, no, no, no. Una lasagna.

00:19:15.576 --> 00:19:17.452
And then we can move in together

00:19:17.452 --> 00:19:19.997
because if Roger
is the only thing that's keeping us

00:19:19.997 --> 00:19:21.707
from taking our relationship
to the next level,

00:19:21.707 --> 00:19:23.333
then he has to go.

00:19:23.333 --> 00:19:24.501
- Hey, stop ***in' around.

00:19:24.501 --> 00:19:27.671
- I'm willing to do whatever it takes
to make this relationship work.

00:19:27.671 --> 00:19:28.922
- Hey, just put Roger down.

00:19:28.922 --> 00:19:32.426
- Five, four, three, two!

00:19:32.426 --> 00:19:33.719
Wait. I admit it.

00:19:33.719 --> 00:19:35.429
I don't wanna move in with you, okay?

00:19:35.429 --> 00:19:38.098
You're messy.
I don't have a job. I'm scared.

00:19:38.098 --> 00:19:41.059
Also, sometimes I don't even think
we're right for each other.

00:19:41.059 --> 00:19:43.312
We just do this ***
because it's convenient.

00:19:43.312 --> 00:19:44.730
Look, I'm sorry.

00:19:48.108 --> 00:19:49.109
- God.

00:19:50.319 --> 00:19:54.198
I *** knew this whole time
you'd find some excuse to back out.

00:19:54.740 --> 00:19:56.658
You've been pulling this ***
since high school.

00:19:58.160 --> 00:19:59.912
Get the *** out of my apartment, Julio.

00:20:06.877 --> 00:20:08.462
- You're still my honey toes, right?

00:21:29.001 --> 00:21:31.336
hip-hop music playing

00:21:31.336 --> 00:21:32.421
Hey, ain't this place great?

00:21:32.879 --> 00:21:34.548
It's no palace, but it's all mine.

00:21:35.465 --> 00:21:39.011
Hey, and check this out.
I got that good toilet paper, baby.

00:21:41.138 --> 00:21:42.222
- I'm happy for you, Luis.

00:21:42.889 --> 00:21:44.016
You deserve it.

00:21:45.976 --> 00:21:47.227
So where should I sleep?

00:21:47.227 --> 00:21:49.938
- Hey, hey, you're the guest.
Take the bed, big dawg.

00:21:49.938 --> 00:21:51.023
- Oh, ***, for real?

00:21:51.023 --> 00:21:52.316
- Nah, nah, nah, the bed's mine.

00:21:52.858 --> 00:21:54.192
You can have the couch, alright?

00:21:54.192 --> 00:21:56.361
But you might wanna get
some of those noise-canceling headphones.

00:21:56.361 --> 00:21:58.488
I'm gonna be smashing a lot, my boy.

00:21:59.948 --> 00:22:01.783
We gotta get you back in the game too.

00:22:01.783 --> 00:22:04.161
- I don't know how much smashing
I'm gonna be doing.

00:22:04.161 --> 00:22:05.912
- Hey, come on.
Don't get all sad. Alright?

00:22:05.912 --> 00:22:07.873
You and Maggie's relationship
was all *** up.

00:22:08.540 --> 00:22:10.542
You're smart, though.
You got out before giving her a ring.

00:22:10.542 --> 00:22:12.085
Could have been worse.

00:22:12.085 --> 00:22:13.503
Could have been a baby.

00:22:13.503 --> 00:22:15.630
You fools would have made
an ugly-*** baby.

00:22:15.630 --> 00:22:16.757
- I don't know about ugly.

00:22:16.757 --> 00:22:19.051
- Come on, homey.
- Trust me, alright? For real.

00:22:19.051 --> 00:22:20.260
It would have been ugly.

00:22:21.053 --> 00:22:22.220
Maybe you're right.

00:22:22.220 --> 00:22:26.058
I feel horrible, but also kinda excited.

00:22:26.433 --> 00:22:27.851
Gotta figure out something new.

00:22:27.851 --> 00:22:30.062
I'm gonna spread my stupid ***in' wings.

00:22:30.062 --> 00:22:32.189
- Hell, yeah, my boy!

00:22:32.189 --> 00:22:34.316
And you finally moved out
of your mom's pad.

00:22:34.983 --> 00:22:36.318
Julio!

00:22:41.490 --> 00:22:42.699
Julio!

00:22:54.669 --> 00:22:55.712
Nah, nah, I could do it.

00:22:56.797 --> 00:22:58.423
I'll do it. I know how to do it.

00:22:58.423 --> 00:22:59.591
Come on, no ***.

00:23:02.010 --> 00:23:03.970
I can do it. I'm the one fixing up my pad.

00:23:03.970 --> 00:23:05.597
- Oh, you mean the neighbor's garage?

00:23:06.306 --> 00:23:08.100
- You live there too, idiot.

00:23:08.100 --> 00:23:09.726
- You're gonna *** that place up.

00:23:09.726 --> 00:23:10.936
I should *** you up.

00:23:14.689 --> 00:23:16.817
Spanish song playing