WEBVTT

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Nine days
past expiration.

00:00:08.805 --> 00:00:10.140
Ugh!

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Here.

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Ugh! Turned carbonated.

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Expired two months ago.

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You don't have the guts.

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When was the last
Christmas we had eggnog?

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I think before Dewey.

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It's all you, man.

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This is a game that
has no winners.

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Well, that's the last
of my Halloween candy.

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All that sugar,
all those cavities.

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We're the real
winners, guys.

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Are you coming over
Saturday?

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For what?

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For what?!

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The Leonid meteor shower!

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Only once
in a lifetime

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do the mighty
Leonids reveal

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their full beauty
before bedtime.

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I wish I could, guys,

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but Francis is coming
home this weekend.

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And since he missed
Halloween last week,

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we're going to
hang out together.

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Are you sure?

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Stevie has
a new telescope,

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and I was thinking that
after the meteor shower

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we could watch
Mrs. Feldman shower.

00:02:08.591 --> 00:02:12.512
And you call yourself
a scientist.

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It's been
a week, sweetie.

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Take off the costume.

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But I like it.

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That's three times this week.

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That joyriding son of a...

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Hal, just call the police.

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I have.

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They won't do anything.

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Lois, I swear,
one of these days,

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I'm going to catch up
to that punk,

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I'm going to
drag him out of his car,

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and I'm going
to beat him senseless

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until he understands
that there's a certain thing

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called the law.

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Don't let him get to you.
Come on.

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Well, when's it going to stop?

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When Dewey here is smashed

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into a lifeless pulp?

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Put some clothes on, son.

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Halloween *ed this year
without Francis.

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The eggs and shaving
cream I can keep.

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But what am I ever going
to do with this stuff?

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It was supposed to be

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our first Halloween
as mindless vandals.

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But Francis got in trouble
at school,

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so we had to go
trick-or-treating

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like a bunch
of little kids.

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Oh, look at you three.

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What are you?

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A beat-up hillbilly.

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And you?
Just give us the candy.

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Oh, I bet you're a ghost.

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I'm a marshmallow.

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Oh, and a cute one at that.

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I just want to stick a fork
in your belly

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and roast you
over an open flame

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till you're
nice and crispy.

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It's embarrassing
at our age--

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coming home with candy.

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Give me that.

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Hey!

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Hey! Hey!

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Pull over, you gutless...

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I got kids!

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You lousy...

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...son of a...

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If we all keep an eye out
for this guy,

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I think we should be able
to catch him pretty quickly.

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Why don't you
clean up your yard?

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(others agreeing)
What?

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Why don't you just move?

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Look, this isn't about me.

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These meetings are
always about you.

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You're the sole
reason we meet.

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Those kids of yours
should be in jail.

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How would you like it
if you scrimped and saved

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all your life to live
in a nice neighborhood,

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and then a bunch
of godless monsters moved in

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and destroyed
all your dreams?

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Okay, back to the subject.
I'd like to pass around

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a sign-up sheet for a stakeout.

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Well... thanks for your time.

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MAN:
You're welcome.

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Hello?

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LOIS:
Hi, Francis.

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Welcome home.

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Too old to hug your mom?

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Mom, I've been waiting

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at the bus station
for three hours.

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Why didn't anybody
come to pick me up?

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What?

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I sent your father.

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Oh, Francis, I'm sorry.

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He's battling his archenemy.

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What, the squirrel's back?

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No, it's a human this time.

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MALCOLM:
Francis!

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Hey!

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Did you guys tear it up
on Halloween?

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Oh, yeah.
We were out of control.

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Kids were running;
people were screaming;

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babies were crying.

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We went trick-or-treating.

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It just didn't feel
right without you.

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I had fun.
Shut up, Dewey.

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Couldn't you have gotten
in trouble after Halloween?

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Guys, I'm sorry.

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I know I let you down,

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but I really didn't
have a choice.

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The commandant's fake leg was
just lying there in the closet

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begging for a novelty
bumper sticker.

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It was a snap decision,

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but I really think
I did the right thing.

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That's all right.
There's always next year.

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Well, why do we have
to wait a year?

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Guys, Halloween

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isn't a date
on the calendar.

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Yeah, it is.

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It's the 31st.

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No, Halloween is in your hearts.

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Every time a little kid
cries in fear,

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that's Halloween.

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Every time something repulsive

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ends up in a mailbox,
that is Halloween.

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As long as you carry
the spirit of destruction

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and vandalism in your hearts,
every day is Halloween.

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No, look, it is the 31st.

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Men, we are going to have
Halloween this weekend.

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Got to protect my family,

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even if it means
sitting in this van

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every night for a month.

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It's a matter of principle.

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Mmm. Before you go to sleep,

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I'd like you
to replace my pee jar.

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No!

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Son of a...

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Boys, the time has come.

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You're about to see the device

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that will change
the face of Halloween forever.

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Behold.

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That's not
a flying chocolate maker.

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This is just
a bunch of tubes.

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Trust me.

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I do trust you,

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but I expected something
a little more...

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Oh, my God.
Will this work?

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Absolutely.

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What? What is it?

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It looks like an
incredibly powerful slingshot.

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A slingshot capable of hurling
objects over a distance

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of two city blocks.

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Picture yourself--

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you're walking down the street,

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you're minding
your own business,

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when all of a sudden... bam!
(gasping)

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You're hit
by a ten-pound balloon

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filled with shaving cream,
paint

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or any number
of foul-smelling liquids.

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And you never,
ever know who did it.

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It's the perfect
weapon.

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Reese, are you crying?

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No.

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What are you doing?

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I've had it, Lois.

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I'm building a speed bump.

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Hal, would you look
at yourself?

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It's 4:00 in the morning.

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You're out here
in your pajamas

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mixing cement
in a wheelbarrow.

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It's going to rip the suspension
right out from under him.

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There'll be some
chassis damage.

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Oh, boy, I'd hate
to be the one

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who has to realign
his connecting rods.

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That guy's not going
to know what hit him.

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Yee-ha!

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Okay, we got eggs,

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shaving cream, water balloons.

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I don't know,
I'm just not feeling it.

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These eggs are
pretty rotten.

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Yeah, I know,
but it's all just so...

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standard.

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I mean, we have a whole new
breed of weapon here.

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We need to live up to that.

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We need to start thinking
outside the box.

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So if you'll just spend
a couple of hours

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waiting for him here,

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I know the guy
will come racing by,

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and then you can
arrest him

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and this whole thing
will be over once and for all.

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I want some help
protecting my family.

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So you weren't held up
at gunpoint?

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Okay, that was a lie.

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But I've been calling
you people for weeks

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and not getting
any help.

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No one is listening to me.

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Is this your speed bump?

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It was a good bump, Hal.

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You want a sandwich?

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Easy.

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Good.

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Just let me talk to him.

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I'll get this whole thing
straightened out in two minutes.

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Get the car.

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Let's go through
this one more time.

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Malcolm,
what's your job?

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Aimer.

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Reese?
Loader.

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Dewey, what do you do

00:11:42.415 --> 00:11:43.749
if you see Mom
and Dad coming?

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Excellent.

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Where'd they
go, anyway?

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Okay, look--
we've got his license plate.

00:11:57.930 --> 00:11:59.306
We've got his address.

00:11:59.390 --> 00:12:00.933
That's more than enough
to get...

00:12:00.933 --> 00:12:02.226
Hal!

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What are you doing?

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Shh. Get down.

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I'm letting the air
out of his tires.

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No, Hal.

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Okay, but then
we go home.

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Hello.

00:12:16.866 --> 00:12:18.075
I have an idea.

00:12:18.117 --> 00:12:20.202
You can't steal his car.

00:12:20.286 --> 00:12:21.787
I'm not stealing his car.

00:12:21.829 --> 00:12:23.497
I'm just taking it
elsewhere for a while.

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It'll teach the kid a lesson.

00:12:25.040 --> 00:12:26.125
No, Hal.

00:12:26.167 --> 00:12:28.419
I'm putting the key
in the lock.
No, Hal.

00:12:28.461 --> 00:12:29.420
I'm opening the door.

00:12:29.462 --> 00:12:30.629
No, Hal.

00:12:30.671 --> 00:12:32.423
I'm getting in the car.
No.

00:12:32.465 --> 00:12:33.507
I am turning on the engine.

00:12:35.718 --> 00:12:38.721
Oh, ow. Just... (groans)

00:12:40.139 --> 00:12:41.432
This is crazy.

00:12:41.474 --> 00:12:43.309
You can't just take
a person's car.

00:12:43.309 --> 00:12:45.478
There are laws...!
(screams)

00:12:47.396 --> 00:12:50.816
Oh. Oh... serious engine.

00:12:50.858 --> 00:12:54.111
He must have bored out
the cylinders in this puppy.

00:12:54.153 --> 00:12:55.362
Pull over.

00:12:55.446 --> 00:12:56.989
Remember that Maverick
I used to have?

00:12:56.989 --> 00:12:58.991
I don't want to talk
about your old muscle car.

00:13:02.703 --> 00:13:04.371
Scared?

00:13:04.455 --> 00:13:05.456
Of course I'm scared.

00:13:05.498 --> 00:13:07.875
You've turned into
a crazy person.

00:13:10.461 --> 00:13:12.588
Do it again.

00:13:13.589 --> 00:13:14.507
Oh!
Oh!

00:13:16.967 --> 00:13:18.969
All right, let's
try a test shot.

00:13:19.011 --> 00:13:22.389
Reese, just get me
a small water balloon.

00:13:22.431 --> 00:13:24.683
Malcolm, you got me a target?

00:13:33.526 --> 00:13:35.027
We've got a target.

00:13:36.529 --> 00:13:39.490
Listen, you idiot, the optics
on the Newtonian reflector

00:13:39.532 --> 00:13:41.492
don't even approach
a Schmidt-Cassegrain.

00:13:41.534 --> 00:13:43.702
It's a nice century--
why don't you join it?

00:13:43.744 --> 00:13:46.914
Shrine burn center;
admitting Kyle.

00:13:46.956 --> 00:13:48.874
Ladies!

00:13:48.916 --> 00:13:50.209
The stars.

00:13:50.251 --> 00:13:51.502
He's right.

00:13:51.544 --> 00:13:54.755
Why squabble when we
have the Leonids?

00:13:54.797 --> 00:13:56.674
You hear something?

00:13:59.510 --> 00:14:01.345
Oh, my telescope!

00:14:01.387 --> 00:14:02.429
It's broken!

00:14:02.513 --> 00:14:04.849
Why my telescope?!

00:14:04.890 --> 00:14:05.891
Yes!

00:14:05.891 --> 00:14:07.434
Yeah!
Yeah!

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Go! Go!

00:14:08.519 --> 00:14:09.436
Yeah.

00:14:53.606 --> 00:14:55.566
ALL:
Yeah!

00:14:55.608 --> 00:14:56.942
Diaper!

00:14:56.984 --> 00:14:59.278
ALL (chanting):
Diaper! Diaper! Diaper!

00:14:59.320 --> 00:15:01.280
Diaper! Diaper!
Diaper!

00:15:01.322 --> 00:15:03.782
Diaper! Diaper! Diaper!

00:15:03.824 --> 00:15:05.951
Diaper! Diaper!
Diaper!

00:15:06.952 --> 00:15:08.120
Yeah!

00:15:08.120 --> 00:15:09.455
Diaper!

00:15:09.455 --> 00:15:11.582
Diaper! Diaper! Diaper!

00:15:11.624 --> 00:15:13.584
Diaper! Diaper!
Diaper!

00:15:13.626 --> 00:15:14.627
Diaper! Oh...

00:15:14.710 --> 00:15:15.794
All right.

00:15:15.878 --> 00:15:18.464
No more of those.

00:15:58.295 --> 00:15:59.588
ALL:
Yes!

00:16:01.674 --> 00:16:04.051
I love you so much.

00:16:04.051 --> 00:16:06.387
I can't believe
the power of this thing.

00:16:06.387 --> 00:16:08.722
If it was to fall
in the wrong hands...

00:16:08.806 --> 00:16:10.599
I see an old lady.

00:16:10.641 --> 00:16:12.893
Reload!
Reload! Reload! Reload!

00:16:22.861 --> 00:16:24.363
I'm serious, Hal.

00:16:24.405 --> 00:16:25.739
What are we going to do?

00:16:25.823 --> 00:16:27.741
The time to drop off the car
and go home

00:16:27.825 --> 00:16:28.742
was, like, 20 miles ago.

00:16:28.826 --> 00:16:30.744
What if we just kept going?

00:16:30.828 --> 00:16:31.745
What are you talking about?

00:16:31.829 --> 00:16:33.247
I'm talking about you and me

00:16:33.247 --> 00:16:35.249
running away and spending
the rest of our lives

00:16:35.249 --> 00:16:38.711
on some... I don't know,
some hidden beach in Mexico

00:16:38.752 --> 00:16:41.505
with no jobs and no kids.

00:16:41.588 --> 00:16:43.716
Oh, it's not that simple, Hal.

00:16:43.757 --> 00:16:45.509
Why not?

00:16:45.592 --> 00:16:48.595
I mean, we would have
to change our names, but...

00:16:49.763 --> 00:16:52.599
I'd be Raul.

00:16:52.599 --> 00:16:54.601
You'd be Consuela.

00:16:54.643 --> 00:16:55.728
Consuela?

00:16:55.769 --> 00:16:57.604
Sí.

00:17:03.902 --> 00:17:05.112
ALL:
Yeah!

00:17:05.154 --> 00:17:06.822
I think I speak
for all of us

00:17:06.905 --> 00:17:08.490
when I say
that tonight ruled!

00:17:08.532 --> 00:17:09.616
Totally.

00:17:09.658 --> 00:17:10.701
We own you all.

00:17:10.743 --> 00:17:11.869
No one is safe.

00:17:11.910 --> 00:17:13.787
We are the kings
of this block.

00:17:13.829 --> 00:17:15.622
Did you hear me, world?

00:17:15.664 --> 00:17:19.126
Violence just got
a little more random!

00:17:23.547 --> 00:17:25.299
Reload! Reload!

00:17:26.675 --> 00:17:27.801
This is incredible.

00:17:27.843 --> 00:17:29.303
Their accuracy
is amazing.

00:17:29.511 --> 00:17:30.679
Make it stop!

00:17:30.679 --> 00:17:32.014
Who are these guys?

00:17:34.683 --> 00:17:35.934
It's tofu.

00:17:36.018 --> 00:17:39.188
Angle: 47.9 degrees.

00:17:39.188 --> 00:17:40.272
Check.

00:17:41.356 --> 00:17:43.108
Brakes locked.

00:17:43.150 --> 00:17:45.694
This is for
all the times

00:17:45.778 --> 00:17:48.572
I've been called
"*-tweefer."

00:17:48.614 --> 00:17:49.615
Fire!

00:17:51.784 --> 00:17:53.035
What do you mean,
Krelboynes?

00:17:53.035 --> 00:17:55.370
I guess they've
built their own catapult.

00:17:55.370 --> 00:17:56.538
That's impossible.

00:17:56.580 --> 00:17:57.706
How could they do that?

00:17:57.790 --> 00:17:59.583
Where would they
get the materials?

00:17:59.625 --> 00:18:01.460
It's a funnel
and surgical tubing.

00:18:01.502 --> 00:18:04.129
Stevie's garage
is filled with that stuff.

00:18:04.171 --> 00:18:05.714
What are we
going to do?

00:18:05.798 --> 00:18:06.715
We're going to fight.

00:18:06.799 --> 00:18:07.716
They're Krelboynes.

00:18:07.800 --> 00:18:08.884
They're nothing.

00:18:08.967 --> 00:18:10.844
We can fight. We can fight.

00:18:10.886 --> 00:18:12.554
We can fight.

00:18:12.596 --> 00:18:15.599
We can fight.
We can fight.

00:18:15.641 --> 00:18:17.309
We have to surrender.

00:18:17.351 --> 00:18:18.477
Francis is right.

00:18:18.560 --> 00:18:19.728
We have to
give up, Reese.

00:18:19.770 --> 00:18:20.938
Come on,
you wussies.

00:18:20.979 --> 00:18:22.689
Just shoot me
over there.

00:18:22.731 --> 00:18:24.691
I'll kick their
*es myself.

00:18:24.733 --> 00:18:26.110
Get it off!

00:18:26.151 --> 00:18:27.694
Oh, my God!

00:18:27.736 --> 00:18:28.695
Get it off!

00:18:28.737 --> 00:18:30.948
They're surrendering.

00:18:30.989 --> 00:18:34.326
And I suppose I've never been
offered the chance to surrender.

00:18:34.368 --> 00:18:37.037
Keep firing!

00:18:38.789 --> 00:18:42.209
Well, they won't even
let us surrender honorably.

00:18:42.251 --> 00:18:45.420
Boys, it's time
to run away like cowards.

00:18:52.094 --> 00:18:54.138
Well, there is
some comfort in knowing

00:18:54.221 --> 00:18:57.641
what the next two hours
of my life are going to be like.

00:18:57.724 --> 00:18:59.268
Oh. Look.

00:18:59.309 --> 00:19:00.227
A shooting star.

00:19:17.369 --> 00:19:19.413
It's only a
30-mile walk.

00:19:19.454 --> 00:19:21.832
We'll be home
for breakfast.

00:19:21.915 --> 00:19:24.168
You know, I'm glad
we didn't run away.

00:19:24.251 --> 00:19:26.170
Yeah, me, too.

00:19:27.254 --> 00:19:29.423
What was my name again?

00:19:29.464 --> 00:19:31.466
Raul, baby.
Oh, yeah.