Where's the bread?
Uh, it's in the freezer where it belongs.
You... So we have to defrost it every time we make Sam lunch?
No, you just have to raise him not to be so soft
that he can't eat an ice-cold sandwich.
- Why is there packing tape on my salon shears? - Oh,
I must have opened an Amazon package with them.
I got a fresh batch of underpants.
Helen, these aren't regular scissors.
They're, like, $100 each.
Oh, well, you shouldn't leave them out, then.
That's on you.
My mistake.
Uh, hey, you know, would you mind, uh, going upstairs
and helping Sam getting ready for school?
I am on it. Boy, I don't know
how you guys survived without me.
So,
her living here is a lot.
- I need a little space. Okay. - Mm-hmm.
Yesterday she read me an article about hard water
while I was in the shower.
And I'm pretty sure she was on the toilet.
I feel bad.
Archie's been working me so hard at the alley,
you've been stuck here with her all day.
Which, of course,
you know because you've been stuck here with her all day.
I just wish she had more of a social life or something.
Just a few hours away from the house.
A hobby. Book club.
Yeah. Or she could just drive somewhere
and be there for a while.
- Somewhere nice. - Yeah, of course. Real nice. But also far.
Carl, what are you doing? This is my lane.
Not today. Got you set up right next door.
But this is my lane.
You can't put your favorite lane in your pocket
and take it with you on tour.
You got to be prepared for anything.
- Got it. - Now focus up.
I laid a new oil pattern on this lane.
We're gonna be working on it all week.
What? Forget all that stuff, man.
These oil patterns won't make you a star,
- but those acting classes I emailed you about will. - Lew,
I'm not taking an online acting class
from your friend who was on Wheel of Fortune.
- Ain't you on the clock right now? - Yep.
Right, right.
Look, you had a great first tournament.
All right? But there's still a lot of work to do.
You got to finish higher than 26th
if you want to qualify for the PBA Championship.
Okay, got it.
Now, the oil pattern I laid here is really tough.
It's called the Cheetah pattern.
Why is it called the Cheetah pattern?
'Cause the guy who came up with it,
his name is Cheetah... uh, Cheetah Jones.
Arch, if you don't know something,
you don't have to make it up to impress me.
- Cool name, though, right? - Yeah.
Well, why'd you set her up there?
You could've put her closer to the window.
Do you want to be closer to the window?!
Okay. Eleanor and I were just chatting
about this water aerobics class
- that she's taking. - Mm.
Look, she loves it,
and apparently the chlorine tightens her knee skin.
I have the shins of a 50-year-old.
If I wanted to watch a bunch of cadavers tread water,
I'd turn on Titanic.
No offense!
You know, I was just thinking it-it might be fun for you.
You know, take some time for yourself?
She's right.
I mean, Helen, have you ever...
thought about dipping your toe in the dating pool again?
No. There's more diseases in that pool
than the one that this old lady's
been floating around in.
Come on, Helen. There's got to be someone out there
who's caught your eye. At church or at the post office?
What about that guy at the hardware store
that gives you free screws and makes dirty jokes about it?
- Frank? - Mm-hmm.
The only thing filthier than his mind is his fingernails.
But...
Ooh, there's a "but"?
- Forget it. - Oh.
Come on. Helen, what is it?
It's nothing. It's just there...
there was a guy who asked me out a while back.
You should go for it. Call him.
How nice would it be for you
to just be out of the house for one night?
Oh! Shoot.
Um, I'm gonna go get another towel, okay?
Call him.
You don't need a man.
After Milton died, I got a ferret,
and I'm doing just fine.
My God. Haven't we been through enough?
This pattern's too fast.
My ball is breaking late.
I'm telling you, you got to get your release point wh...
Yes.
Yes what, woman?
You asked me out on a date.
That was ten years ago.
Well, I thought about it,
and the answer is yes.
Keep your elbow in, Tommy.
What the hell was that?
- You asked my mom out? - No.
I mean, technically, yes.
But it was so long ago, I-I forgot it ever happened.
Wait, so how did it happen?
Was it like the beginning of a rom-com?
Did somebody drop something? Did somebody pick something up?
Wait, did you have to chase a train?
God, I love a good love story.
It wasn't no love story.
Look,
she came in here one night, and I got a vibe,
so I asked her out.
But she left without even giving me an answer.
That's why I never told you.
Okay, fine. Let's just move on.
Focus on the bowling.
Man, listen, if it bothers you,
- I won't... - No, it's fine. Really.
It's... I'm okay.
You got a vibe from my mom?
A vibe? How do you know she wasn't just hungry?
Sometimes, when she's hungry, she gives out mixed signals.
Okay, so it does bother you. Fine.
So I just tell her I'm not interested.
You can't do that. Then she'll feel rejected.
All right, then.
I guess I'll give her a call.
Well, well, only call her if you really want to.
Oh, no, I want to.
I mean, that woman's like a Pontiac Aztek.
They don't make them like that anymore.
- But, listen, if you're not cool with it, I... - No, it's fine.
You're calling her.
You sure you're good?
I'm good.
Gonna bowl now.
Don't get a vibe.
Hey.
My T-ball coach boned my mom.
I turned out all right.
No, you didn't.
- Hey, honey. How was practice? - Not great.
Did you talk to my mom?
Yes. I talked her into going on a date.
Not in our house.
She's at Walmart right now buying a dress.
Not in our house. Go, me. Right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, you.
- Did she tell you who she's going on the date with? - Uh-uh.
- Archie. - What?
Wow. That's cute. Right?
Wait, no, bad? Awkward?
I've had a long day.
Can you just tell me how we feel?
We feel weird.
We feel confused.
We drove home listening to jazz.
We didn't even realize we were listening to jazz.
Honey.
She's going on a date with Archie.
Why couldn't it be the mailman or that waiter at Red Lobster
that gives her the free Wet-Naps?
I'm pretty sure those are free for everybody.
Yeah. For a woman who tips six percent,
she gets a lotof free Wet-Naps.
And the best part about that guy?
He's not Archie.
Look, I know that this is uncomfortable for you,
but this is the first time she's put herself out there
since your dad died, isn't it?
It's not about that. This is about Archie.
He shouldn't be swooping in and dating my mom.
He should be coaching me.
- It'll be fine. It is one date. - Oh, for now.
They haven't even gone on the date.
It's already a distraction.
We couldn't crack one oil pattern
because he was all over the place.
- Tom. - Okay, maybe I was all over the place.
But the point is, it's a distraction.
- What if they date for a month or... or a year? - I...
What if they break up the week of a big PBA Championship?
I mean, have you even stopped to think about that?
Ugh!
This is not how I wanted to spend
my "your mom's at Walmart" time.
Wow, those new dryer sheets really worked.
I always thought I was an Ocean Breeze gal.
Where do you think they're going?
Better not be fancy.
If there aren't pictures of the food on the menu,
she's gonna ask what they're hiding.
That's what dating's all about, trying new things.
Knock, knock.
What do you think?
Be honest. I tell you when you look terrible.
Wow.
Really?
It's from the Sofia Vergara collection.
Feel like I can speak Spanish.
- What do you think, Tommy? - I don't know, Ma.
Aren't you always the one that says
dresses are for princesses and prostitutes?
You look good, Ma.
Are you sure? I mean, I don't even know where we're going.
Maybe it's too much.
Does it make me look sweaty?
'Cause I'm feeling really clammy right now.
If this is how you feel, why are you even doing this?
'Cause I don't want to end up alone.
Tightening my knee skin in some dirty pool
to impress my ferret.
Mom, if you're nervous, you could always cancel.
Do you think I should?
You don't have anything to be nervous about, Helen.
You look amazing. And besides, clammy is in now.
We call it glowy.
Well, in that case, I've got a glow line
from the back of my neck down to my * crack.
You're nervous because you're excited.
If there's anything we can do
to make you feel more comfortable,
we'll do it. I'll-I'll help you get ready.
We'd even go on the date with you if we could.
I want that.
What?
A double date. I like that. I want that.
I'll tell Archie.
Ma...
What did you do?
Thanks for agreeing to watch him last-minute, Lew.
Oh, man, no problem.
Oh!
Look out, Salt-N-Pepa. There's some new queens in town.
"New"? What is he talking about?
I've lived here 50 years.
- Helen, it was a compliment. - Oh. Thanks.
Lew, just remember, 9:00 p.m. bedtime.
Oh, crap.
I... I forgot I'm supposed to bake brownies
for Sam's bake sale tomorrow. Lew, can you do me a huge favor?
- There's a box... - Shh, shh, shh. You had me at "brownies."
Don't Jerry Maguire my wife.
Hey, Arch.
What do you say we talk about the Cheetah pattern?
I-I was thinking about it. My grip
might be the key to the whole thing.
- Can we not talk about bowling? - Can we... ?
This is what we do, Ma. I-I sit with Archie.
We talk about bowling. It's important, right? I mean...
She's right, Tom.
We don't have to talk about bowling all the time.
Come on, live a little.
Yeah, just gambled my family's future on it,
but, yeah, let's see what they have for appetizers.
- Can I get you something to drink? - Uh,
just a round of waters, I think. We're not drinking tonight.
- We're not? - Oh, no.
Archie and I have an early morning. Big day of practice.
I'll have a glass of wine.
Make that two.
You never drink wine.
I'm just making an observation.
She never drinks wine. The table is here.
The candle's hot. You're pinching my leg.
I'll get those waters started.
So, what's everyone ordering?
- Well, the steak sounds exquisite. - Mmm.
Since when do you say "exquisite"?
I say it all the time.
As in, "Why don't you mind your exquisite business?"
Sorry.
It's Lew. I'll get it later.
He's watching our kid.
I'll get it now.
- What's up, man? - Hey, Tom.
- Do you have a hand sifter? - What?
I don't know what that is.
I don't know what I have anymore, Lew.
I don't know what's going on. I don't know anything!
I don't think that was about me.
Okay.
So, the tiramisu will have no espresso powder.
Eh, it's not a big deal, Sam.
This is awesome.
- You should be a chef. - Ah. Well, in my house,
we didn't have money for me to go to culinary school,
so now I just do it for fun.
But maybe someday.
So, which one of these am I taking to the bake sale?
Ah. I was thinking we could cut up
this coconut, passion fruit tart,
and you could serve them as a little amuse-bouche.
I have enough nicknames already.
Well, it's a good thing we didn't go with the peanut butter balls.
So, finally, I said,
"Please don't tell me your life story.
Just fill my damn prescription."
Oh, yeah, they don't make pharmacists like they used to.
I know.
I don't think I get it.
Well, I guess that makes it an inside joke.
So, what do you think? Uh, is this, uh,
heading towards a second date,
or you think it's one and done?
They haven't even gotten their food yet, Tom.
I just want to know if this is something
- we have to get used to. - Okay. You know what?
We have to go home. I just remembered
- we have leftovers in the fridge. - No, we don't.
Why are you lying?
I'm thinking they might want to be alone.
Why would you think that?
We want to be alone.
How do you know she's not just saying that
to make Archie feel good?
She's not.
Okay. It's time to go, Tom.
- You two have a good night. - What?
I... Honey,
I ordered the soup of the day.
If we leave now, I'll never know what it was.
I hate it when people bring children to a restaurant.
Can you believe she asked us to leave?
It was her idea that we come, and then she asks us to leave?
She was having a good time. You were making it weird.
Everybody was acting different. Ordering wine.
Archie was wearing cologne.
I swear my mom smelled him and went, "Mmm, mmm."
So, Archie smelled good, and it's been a long time
since your mom "Mmm, mmm-ed" a guy.
Two of the grumpiest people I know
- couldn't stop smiling all night. - I know.
It was adorable. I've never seen that twinkle in your mom's eye.
I have, and the last time she had it,
it wasn't with Archie.
It was with my dad.
So this is about your dad.
I don't want to talk about my dad.
You never want to talk about your dad.
The only thing I know about him is that he loved
to take you fishing, he brought you to the Grand Canyon once,
and he cried when he met Dale Earnhardt.
This isn't about my dad... this is about Archie.
- How could he do this to me? - Do what? Have a good time?
Archie was my dad's best friend, right?
Well... wow.
You never told me that.
He was supposed to watch over us after my dad died.
Not swoop in and start
dating my mom right after it happened.
Your dad died 20 years ago.
He's a procrastinator.
Look...
I get why this bothers you now.
But I really don't think your mom would have done it
if she thought there was anything wrong with it.
I know.
And Archie has been watching over you guys.
You know that.
There is a reason he was the first person she thought of
when I asked if there was anyone she had her eye on.
Seems like your dad had a pretty great best friend.
You're right.
It's just happening fast.
I think it's catching me off-guard a bit.
I get it.
It's okay.
It was nice to see my mom all...
dolled up like a guest preacher was in town.
- Having a good time. - It was.
I just hope your best friend does the same for me after you die.
Joke's on you.
You're my best friend.
See, this is me waiting for you to say,
"You're my best friend, Tom."
Thank you for walking me to the door.
That's very gentlemanly of you.
Gentleman is my middle name, you know?
No, it's not.
Would you...
like to come in for some coffee?
And that's it?
Hey, guys.
No, I think I should go.
Come on, Archie.
Come in the kitchen and have some coffee.
- That's all right, Tom, I... - Arch, come on.
Come in the kitchen.
Have some coffee with my mom.
He's such a control freak.
I don't know where he gets it.
Whoa, Tommy.
What is all of this?
Well, I may have ruined your first date, but...
I wanted to make sure you guys had a great second date.
This is so fancy.
It's like one of those restaurants
where they won't sing to you on your birthday.
This is a real nice thing you did, Tom.
Thought about it, Arch.
My mom's gonna date somebody.
I'm really glad it's you.
I'll leave you guys alone.
Where'd all these desserts come from?
I have no idea.
They were in the fridge when we got home.
Enjoy.
I'll be right back.
Tommy.
Thanks.
Have fun, Ma.
We're not actually gonna eat any of this, are we?
Oh!
God, no! It's 9:30.
I got to get to bed.
Me, too.
I only said yes to the coffee to be polite.
I just asked you to be polite.
All right, Helen, I'll see you around.
All right, thanks, Arch.
Um, you know...
I've been known to pick up a bear claw
at, uh, Mr. Donut some mornings.
I could pick up two tomorrow.
If you're asking me out on another date,
I'm gonna need a few years to think about it.
Make mine a maple bar.
Well, you've finally conquered the Cheetah pattern.
- Congratulations. - Couldn't have done it without you.
- And, hey, Arch. - Hmm?
If you hurt my mom, I'm gonna kill you.
I'm just kidding. But she'll kill you.
In the woods, bow and arrow.
You'll never hear her coming.
Celebrate with some curly fries?
Mm-mm, no, not today.
I made roasted bone marrow and parsley salad,
braised short ribs with a red wine reduction,
and a Concord grape and honeydew torte for dessert.
It's a tasting menu.
Well, damn, Lew, this is some fine cuisine.
This is the kind of stuff we need to be serving here.
Set us apart from all the rest of those dumps.
Great.
Mm, oh, how much would it cost
to, uh, put this stuff on the menu?
About $140 per person.
Boy, what in the blue hell are you thinking?!
All right, let's stick with dump.