- Well, it's kinda hard for me to say.
But since I got out, there's this place I've been going to.
There's a minister there, Dr. Payne.
He's all about this *** called, um, personal accountability.
And part of that is facing up to people that you've hurt in the past,
making amends and ***.
So I came here today to,
to tell you that, uh,
that I deeply regret shooting you in the ass.
You know, it was funny to me at the time,
but now I realize that even though it was super funny,
it was also wrong.
So I just wanna say to you...
that I'm sorry--
You didn't shoot me in my ass.
It was the devil that shot me in my ass.
All that crazy *** we did back in the day,
the devil made us do it.
- Nah, homey, I'm pretty sure it was me.
'Cause I actually remember I was gonna shoot you in the leg,
but then at the last second I thought, "Ah, *** it.
It'll be funnier if I shoot him in the ass."
- And who do you think told you the ass would be funnier?
The devil, bro.
That dude's got a sick sense of humor.
I was just like you.
Weighed down by all the evil *** that I did.
But once I realized that it was the devil's fault,
poof,
all that guilt washed away.
So I appreciate you coming here today.
But you don't owe me an apology.
The devil did us both dirty.
- Hey, dawg, you sure about this devil ***?
The devil is all around us, my dude.
And he's making you do ***.
Spread the gospel.
- Ah.
♪ ominous music playing ♪
♪
♪ theme music playing ♪
♪
Julio, I don't even know
the last time I saw your hair messy.
What are you trying to hide?
- Let it go. - No, no, I'll show you right now.
- Hey. - Oh.
Oh!
- Damn, okay. Ninja Warrior over here.
- I've seen his hair messy plenty of times.
Miren. I got pics.
- It sticks straight up.
Oh, that reminds me,
Aiden, there's something you want to ask your tío Julio and tía Maggie.
- Will you be my nino and nina for my first communion?
- Oh, my God. - Oh.
- Of course, mijo.
- Ye-yeah, mijo, we'd love it.
- Good luck getting rid of me now, Julio.
- Hey.
- Jesus! You ***in' creeper.
- Hey, do you really think it's a good idea
to have Maggie as the godmother?
- Why wouldn't it be?
- Well, I think Ana's feelings are hurt because you didn't ask her.
You know, she's family. Maggie's not.
Uh, not interested. God isn't real.
When you die you go into the ground. End of story.
- See?
- Well, the other thing is me and Maggie just got back together again.
You know our history.
Who knows how long we're gonna be together this time?
And then Aiden could lose his nina.
Poor little guy.
- Shut up, Julio. No one gives a *** about godparents.
Do you remember who your padrinos are?
- Socorro and Vicente. Great people.
I'm actually gonna go see them later.
- Oh, that's weird because they're dead and those aren't their names.
- Okay, so what are their names?
I'll go visit their graves and pay my respects.
- I don't even believe in any of this Catholic *** anyways.
I'm just trying to get this over with.
- Wait, you don't believe? - Ew, no.
Just doing it for my mom and abuelita.
Wait. Do you believe? - Of course not.
- Why do you care if Maggie's madrina?
- Okay. Fine, then. Yeah. Great choice. - I know.
- I love it.
Maggie's the madrina.
- You dumbass.
♪ ominous music on TV ♪
Oh, jeez. Jeez! Oh, jeez!
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
Aiden.
♪ ominous music plays ♪
♪
So I guess you're pretty excited to have your tía Maggie as your godmother, huh?
- Yeah.
- The thing is, I don't think you should be.
Your tía Maggie, she's bad.
She's mean to your tío Julio.
- What does she do to you?
- She calls me nasty names.
Like Pepperoni Tits.
- That's funny. - Well, that's not all she does.
She also hits me.
- She does?
- Yeah, she hits me really hard, and it hurts a lot.
And if you let her be your godmother, she might start hitting you too.
Also, she worships the devil.
Does she drink your blood?
- I've lost so much blood, mijo.
- Is that why you look so old?
♪
- Yes.
- Don't cry, tío.
- I'm not crying. - Oh.
Kinda looked like you were going to cry for a second.
- No, I wasn't. - Oh.
Okay, kids, it's time to go.
- Okay, just tell your mom you don't want your tía Maggie
to be your madrina, okay?
- Okay. - I'll protect you. Give me a hug.
Get outta here. Go, go.
- We are all animals, my lady.
Most are too afraid to see it.
Hey.
How are the amends going?
I know that *** can be hard.
- No, I'm not doing that *** anymore.
Turns out the devil made me do all that stuff,
so it wasn't even my fault.
- What are you talking about, the devil made you do it?
- Julio, you ***ing pendejo!
- Did you tell Aiden that Maggie hits you and worships the devil?
- What? - It was a joke.
That ***in' snitch wasn't supposed to tell.
And also, I was just giving you an out.
You know, just in case you don't wanna be Aiden's godmother.
- I didn't ask for an out.
What the *** is wrong with you?
- You know what, Julio? You're fired as padrino.
- Good. It's what you get.
- Hey, Luis, you wanna be Aiden's nino?
- Oh, wow. It's a lot of responsibility.
You know, protecting him from the devil and all.
Just wonder if I'm up for the task at hand.
- Just ***in' say yes, goddamn it. - Alright. Yes, I'll do it.
Sabes que? I could get him a piñata for the after-party.
- People don't buy piñatas for a First Communion, dumbass.
- You clearly don't know what you're talking about.
You just got fired, ***.
- Why the *** would you tell Aiden I hit you?
- It was a joke!
♪ mariachi music playing ♪
♪
- Hey, I like your necklace. - Oh, thank you.
Um, you look good too. Is this a new tie?
Nah, I jacked it from Julio.
It looks like I'd be the manager of Circuit City.
- Okay.
- Ay, see you in there.
Damn.
So you're a padrino now?
Don't seem right to me.
- Oh, ***, Johnny?
It's been a long-ass time.
The last time I saw you, you were skinny.
What happened, homey, you got a set of twins in there or what?
- Hey, *** you, perro!
You got something you wanna say to me?
- Like what?
- Like a ***in' apology for doing me dirty back in the day.
- Oh! Hey, you know what?
I recently found out it wasn't me that did you dirty.
It was the devil.
I'm mad he did you dirty too.
That's some bull***.
You're still a ***in' ***.
With a godfather like you,
I'm worried about little dude Aiden over there.
Cabrón.
- ¿Sabes que?
I'm gonna be the best godfather that little fool's ever had.
Aiden, where the *** you going?
- I-I gotta do my first confession.
- Alright, then, I got you, mijo.
I'm your ***in' nino.
Let's go.
Uh, hi, father, this is my first confession.
- Nothing to be nervous about, my son.
Just speak your sins.
- Alleged sins, homey.
- The sacrament of penance is one that must be taken privately.
- It's cool, father, alright? I'm the nino.
Go ahead, mijo.
- I make fart noises with my armpit during school
when the teacher isn't looking.
I accused my brother Michael of farting
when it was actually me who farted.
And I farted on his face while he was sleeping.
- Well, my son, farting itself is not a sin,
but doing so with malice is.
- Nah, nah, nah, hold up, dawg.
The devil made him do those farts.
- God gave us free will so that we may choose between right and wrong.
- Damn, father!
You're just gonna let the devil off the hook like that?
And furthermore, you're gonna victim blame a little boy
who was tricked by a demon?
The devil made him throw those pedos. Satanas!
- Let's forget about the devil right now.
- Wish I could.
- Tell me more about your sins, my son.
- I also collect gum from underneath the tables
and I put them in my brother's sandwiches.
Hey, homey, don't tell this fool anything else.
Alright? We're done here.
You know what, Mr. Priest?
You got a lot to learn about the devil.
Here, read this pamphlet I just got.
Right here.
- Wait. You're gonna break it. What are you trying to do?
It doesn't fit.
- Nah, nah, it'll get through there.
You could give it to me outside.
- Get it, get it, father. - It won't fit.
Alright, well, just come around and get it when we leave.
Come on, let's go, mijo. - No, you can't leave that here.
- So you're saying I'm possessed by the devil?
- Yes.
But I'm your nino, okay? I'm here to protect you from the devil.
And I'm not gonna let some ruco who's never been laid
try to make you feel guilty about something the devil made you do.
- So whenever I do something bad it's not my fault,
the devil made me do it?
- You got it.
Damn, you know what? You're super smart, mijo.
Just like me.
You know, they even made me repeat the third grade
so I could help teach the other kids.
Because that's how smart I was.
♪ organ music playing ♪
♪
- You sure you wanna sit next to your abuser?
- Come on! Are you really still mad at me?
- It's been a week already. - Shh.
Amen.
- Maggie, I said I was sorry.
What do you want me to do, some Hail Marys or something?
Why do you even care about being godmother so much?
You don't even believe in this Catholic stuff.
- So? Neither do you.
Both of you shut up!
- Fine. I'm sorry, Mags, you're fired.
Ana, you're the godmother now.
I don't wanna be the godmother.
You know I don't believe in this stuff.
- Well, today you do. So shut up and believe in God.
Do it for Mom.
Shh.
- Hey. Congratulations.
...palabra de Dios.
♪ organ music playing ♪
♪
- Amen.
- Ay!
- The devil made me do it.
♪
That's what's up.
What is this?
- It's not my fault! The devil made me do it.
He makes me do crazy things.
Like fart and steal.
No, no, no. He's right.
You know, the devil probably got pissed
'cause God's winning Aiden over, so that red fool, you know--
- Shut the hell up about the devil.
You've been talking about that crap all week
and now you've put it in my son's head too?
You're fired as padrino.
- Oh, what?
No!
- Son... can I get one of those?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
- Hey, father, can I ask you for some fatherly advice?
- Yes, my son.
Oh, you know, I think I'm just confused 'cause,
you know, I missed a lot of church growing up
'cause I was out there ***in' around.
Your boy put it down on these streets.
But recently somebody told me that it was the devil that made me do all that ***.
But then you were in there
saying how God gives us the power to make our own choices.
So now I'm thinking that, like--
- All you need to do is confess your sins to God
and you shall be forgiven.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're telling me all I gotta do is confess to God and everything's cool?
- Confession to God is the path to redemption.
- Yeah, this Catholic *** is dope!
No wonder why people give you all their money.
Hey, hey, hey. ¿Sabes que, padre?
Can we do a confession like right now?
- In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
- Oh, ***. - You're forgiven.
♪ inspirational music plays ♪
- Hey. Gracias, padre.
Gracias.
- Wait. Can I get a light?
Can I get a light?
♪ Spanish song playing ♪
- Hola. - Hola.
- I'm Julio's boss.
Soy, uh--
Soy el jefe de Julio.
- Ah! El jefe de Julio. - Julio's boss.
Sí, sí, sí.
- Sí.
♪ song continues ♪
- Hey, Maggie, I talked to Rocio
and she says you're back on madrina status
as long as I don't talk to her for the rest of the day.
- I don't care.
You threw me under the bus in front of your whole family.
- Okay, look, sorry for blowing up your *** in front of my mom.
It's just you're always hanging around with my ***in' family.
That *** stresses me out. We just got back together.
- Dude, maybe I wouldn't hang with your family so much
if you didn't still live at home like a ***ing scrub.
Until you cut the ***ing umbilical cord and move out of your mom's house,
that's just how it's gonna be.
- Alright, *** it. Let's move in together.
- No mames. *** off.
♪
Why are you mad?
- I'm mad because you're full of ***.
You always say whatever you have to say in the moment
to get out of trouble, and then you never back it up.
- Hey, I'm serious this time.
I wanna move in with you,
but we're not moving into your place.
We're starting new.
Let's get our own place with a big-ass bed and a huge-ass toilet.
- You better not be ***ing with me this time.
Swear to God.
- I can't believe you told Aiden I hit you.
I wanted to tell you that *** that I did to you,
it actually was my fault.
But you know what, my boy?
Luckily, I confessed to God, and that fool forgave me.
So now you and I are all good. Come on, let's take a shot.
- Dawg! You can't even say you're sorry.
You're pathetic.
- Hey, hey, hey. You know what?
You're kinda being a *** right now, Johnny.
You need to take this shot with me and chill out.
Luis!
- *** you, dawg!
♪
Hey, Luis.
♪
Rocio made me godfather.
I'm a nino now.
Which one is Aiden again? - Good for you.
Everyone here thinks I'm an ***.
it's like, man, get over that ***.
♪
- So the amends aren't going well?
No, they're not.
You know, this one fool told me that
the devil made me do all the *** that I did.
Turns out the devil ain't real.
- Oh, no, the devil is real.
He's just up here.
And God is somewhere right over here.
All that stuff is in your head.
I mean, it can feel like there's a battle between good and evil,
but really, it's just you.
It's just your mind.
You make choices, you often live to regret those choices.
That's why you gotta say you're sorry.
And that's not gonna undo what you did.
But honestly, you're gonna hate yourself a lot less.
So, you got that going for ya.
Sooner or later, you gotta face that devil inside yourself.
- That mother***er.
♪ classical music ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
Hey.
Everybody, listen up.
I just want to apologize, alright?
I'm sorry for everything I did to you in the past.
Rocio,
I'm sorry that I messed up your son's primero communion
by telling him he was possessed by the devil.
And I'm sorry that I tagged a *** on your car in high school.
- I ***ing knew it! - Shh. Shh.
- They called me *** girl for a whole year.
I know.
I was also one of the fools that called you that.
My primo Johnny,
sorry that I slept with your wife.
What up, Myra?
That wasn't right, primo.
Even if it was only because you weren't putting it down.
- Luis, stay on track, buddy.
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Nah, this feels good.
Right, minister, thank you.
To my tío Eugenio,
And, Ana,
I'm sorry I made your homegirl Loretta cry
because she had a big forehead and I called her Forhedda,
and all the homeys was like, Damn, my boy has to go," and I say, "Yeah."
But looking back on it, that wasn't right.
I'm sorry to my homie Spider.
Sorry that I borrowed money from you.
And then paid you back with money that I stole from you.
That wasn't right, big dawg.
But my advice is, you know, keep your feria in a safe.
To my cousin Miguel,
I'm sorry that whenever we played, I always socked you in your face.
But you gotta practice your self-defense, my boy.
And my tía Sofia,
perdón por robarle el catalítico a tu carro.
And to my cousin Ricky,
I'm sorry that one time the police pulled us over
and I had that gun on me.
And, you know, I just said it was yours.
Because I remember you saying you loved that movie Blood In, Blood Out.
So I said, *** it, let that fool experience
prison if he loves that movie so much.
Lo siento, primo.