*** you, Michael.
- Okay. Ya. ¡Vámanos!
I made the mistake of letting the kids split a Cactus Cooler this morning,
so, good luck babysitting them.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, you guys excited to kick it or what?
- Mom, why are you punishing us?
Tio Julio gets tired of playing after one minute.
He makes us watch movies from the past.
- Mom, please take us to a dentist in Mexico.
No.
I know your Tio Julio is lame, but he's free, so you better behave.
Fine.
- 'Sup, Julio?
- What are you doing here?
- I was-- - Hey, Maggie.
Ooh. You look hot.
- Sí, muy hot, muy hot.
- Buenos dias, Esperanza. Cómo estás?
- Girl, you look so cute.
I love this jacket. - Oh, my God, thank you.
- Hey. I don't mean to be rude,
but if you wouldn't mind shutting your *** mouths,
I'm trying to watch the Raiders.
- He's so aggro. - Oy...
- What are you doing here, Maggie?
- Well, some old man died,
and his son is selling his record collection on Craigslist,
so I was wondering if you'd come pick it up with me.
You know, in case he tries to murder me.
- I can't. I'm taking care of Michael and Aiden.
Oh, no.
Hey, if y'all just shut up
and just let me watch my game, I'll take care of the kids.
- Mom, could Tio Luis please watch us instead of Tio Julio?
- Oh, you don't want me to take care of you?
Alright. See how much fun you have with your Tio Luis
when he starts crying because the Raiders lost.
Ooh, I like a horrible franchise.
- ***, I'll ***' kill you. - Yeah, ***!
- Hey! Watch your language.
Will you stop *** cursing in front of my kids?
You know what? I think it's better for Julio to take care of them.
- Hey, come on. I can take care of these little fools.
Promise I won't curse, alright?
We'll have a nice day together. Don't worry about it.
- No, it's just that you're probably gonna eat all their--
- Vámonos. Vámonos. - Hey, bring me some Vicodin.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Why couldn't your new boyfriend Julio Tambien protect you?
Or Is that fool too busy getting his *** whooped at bowling?
- Shut up.
He's not my boyfriend.
You know, women who live without men live longer?
- Seems like you're gonna die young then.
You always got a man around.
Hope my funeral's fun, ***.
And you better cry, like a lot.
And don't move on too fast.
Or else I'm gonna come back and *** haunt you The Ring style!
- Watch the ***' road!
Wait. Why are you taking this exit?
And why are you wearing exercise clothes?
And why did you pack a picnic basket
to pick up something from Craigslist?
Ah, ***. There is no record collection, is there?
- I planned a surprise for you!
I packed us a picnic, and I thought I'd take you on a hike
where we can watch the sunset over the stupid-*** ocean.
- I hate hiking! - Damn, fool.
Unclench your ass for one second and relax.
All you have to do is look pretty and have fun.
I planned the whole day out.
- Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.
- Oh, shut up.
- You can't do this to me.
I'm being kidnapped.
My nephews are in danger all because you wanted to have a fun day.
Why didn't you tell me to bring my hiking shoes?
- Because then you would have known we were going on a hike. Duh.
And then you wouldn't have come
and seen how beautiful this nature *** is.
Mira, que nice. They got trees.
The mosquitoes are gonna to devour me.
They ***' love me. I have sweet blood.
- I knew you'd complain about bugs, so I came prepared.
- I can't use that brand. That *** irritates my skin.
It has deet.
That *** has deet.
- What's in this bag, bricks of cocaine? This *** is heavy.
- Then just let me carry it. - No, I got it.
There's no reception here.
We're gonna get lost and then P-22 is gonna devour us.
- What the *** is P-22?
- You don't know what P-22 is?
It's a mountain lion that roams this exact same area.
That fool had a bad case of mange, so he was taken out of the wild for a bit.
But now that fool's back, and he's hungrier and stronger than ever.
He's gonna smell this basket and then he's gonna devour us.
- Did you just learn the word "devour"?
Stop saying it.
Hi.
- Hey, check out those muscular ***
If we got lost out here with no food,
we could eat those ***
- Muscular meat isn't good meat.
Those *** will be tough and gamey.
- Damn fool. Take a joke.
I thought we could have a nice day together,
but I guess I was wrong.
You're being a bummer about everything.
- I just hate hiking. And I thought you did too.
- I do hate hiking, but after what went down on your birthday,
it seemed like we might get back together again,
so I Googled, "Top ten things healthy couples do together,"
and hiking was number nine.
- What were the top eight? - I don't know. I got paywalled!
But apparently you think this was a stupid-*** idea,
so let's just *** go back home.
- Wait. Maggie!
Look. Check it out.
A butterfly.
Look, I'm in the moment
and I'm appreciating the *** out of that butterfly.
Wish this ***' butterfly knew how much I was appreciating it right now.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
- Damn. Don't appreciate it too much.
I might get jealous.
- Don't worry, that butterfly has nothing on you.
Except, it can fly.
And has way bigger tits.
- Uh-unh.
Damn. Place ain't bad.
Good call.
Grass is nice.
- These are dairy free,
specifically baked by moi, for your weak-*** body.
- Damn. This *** is good.
When did you learn to bake?
- ***, I bake.
- Look who's back.
Damn. Those *** are buff!
What if I showed up to your place and I suddenly had a dumper that big?
- Hmm. I'd start you an OnlyFans, move you to the streets.
We'd make millions.
- A prostitute? Like on Figueroa?
- Yeah.
- Don't mind if I do.
Oh, ***. That fool's getting down on one knee.
Is he about to propose?
- No. His legs couldn't support the weight of his nalgas anymore.
Oh, wait. Yes, dude. He's proposing.
The big dumpers are getting married.
- If you ever pull some corny-*** *** like this with me,
I'd murder you so bad it'd be on Dateline.
- I would never. - Oh.
- What you doing?
Maggie.
Margarita.
What's that scar?
- I got shot.
- Whoa. Do you think we'll ever get shot?
- Maybe. Life is crazy.
- What's that?
- Oh, this is from my favorite book I read while I was in the pen.
It's called Harry Potter.
You guys know Harry Potter?
- Duh.
It's an old book.
- Damn, you know my boy Harry?
That's tight.
You two are cool as ***.
Probably the most popular kids at school, huh?
- Not really.
- What?
Hey, let's get serious, alright?
I'm your favorite tio. You can tell me anything.
Is there anybody at school *** with you?
- Well, there's this one boy that kinda bullies us.
- *** that!
What does he do to you?
Does he sock you in the gut and give you a titty twister?
- No.
- Does he throw wet paper towels at you while you're taking a dump?
- No.
- Does he put raw meat on your forehead and try to get a dog to eat it?
- No! - Then what does he do to you then?
- Hey, these aren't funny.
- Oh, yeah, right. Hey, I'm sorry, homeys.
Damn. Bullying has changed since my times.
This *** is dark.
- Can you go kick his *** for us?
- Yeah, kick his ***
And after that, kick his dad's *** too.
- Yeah, yeah, well, I obviously could do that.
But, you know, Hugs Not Thugs is teaching me
that it's better to talk this *** out.
- No fighting? Come on.
- Yeah, we want violence.
- We thought you were cool but it turns out you're just a loser,
you know, like Tio Julio.
- Hey, hey, kick back, alright?
I'm nothing like Julio.
- Then prove it.
- Alright, then, *** it. Let's go kick this kid's ***
Yeah!
- Something's up with my stomach.
I just can't eat that many nuggets anymore.
- One thing I love about you, Julio,
is you can complain even when you're fed like a king.
- So which way to the ocean view?
- This way. - Wait. You sure?
- I told you I planned the whole thing out.
We're gonna get there right at sunset.
It's gonna be tight.
- Just seems like it would be the other way.
- Do you trust me or not?
- Okay. No, you're right. I trust you.
- You gotta kick him in his balls, Tio Luis.
- No, you gotta curb stomp him like in American History X!
- Hey, hey, guys, chill.
Alright? Just trust me.
After this, they're gonna make memes outta me kicking his ***
- That's not how memes work.
- Hey, well, that's how they're gonna work!
Hey, big dawg.
Sorry to bother you, uh, but these are my nephews and--
Yeah, they said, uh,
you know, they've been getting bullied by your son,
so I'd really, really appreciate it
if, you know, your kid could stop making memes of them.
I mean, he's a true artist.
Don't get me wrong, little homey gets down.
But, you know, this generation, they get real sentido
unlike you and me, big dawg.
- You got it, bro.
I was actually just making dinner.
Why don't you guys come inside, huh?
Sit down, we can talk about this, get it all sorted out.
- Chicken. - Welcome.
My stomach ***' hurts.
I keep getting these sharp-*** cramps.
Are you sure there was no dairy in those cookies?
Yes, Julio, I'm sure.
Maybe you just finally got your first period.
Felicidades.
- It's not funny.
And this uneven trail isn't helping.
I knew we should have taken the trail I suggested.
- Why don't you ever just trust me?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because you cheated on me with my boss at Domino's.
- What the ***, Julio?
We were teenagers.
You don't get to hang that over my head for 15 years.
Plus, I only cheated on you
'cause you cheated on me with my cousin Ofelia.
That's worse. That's family!
And she's *** ugly!
- She wasn't that ugly.
You remember it wrong. You were the first one to cheat.
- No, no, no. I remember it right.
You cheated on me freshman year, then I cheated back that summer.
- No. You were the first one to cheat.
Or wait. Maybe you cheated after I cheated first.
- Come on, Julio. Who gives a ***? It doesn't matter anymore.
- Can we just keep walking while we argue?
It's getting ***' dark and we gotta move.
P-22 is gonna ***' devour us.
I knew we should have taken the other trail I suggested.
- You already said that!
God damn, you're driving me *** crazy!
You just have to control everything,
our *** relationship, which trail we take,
even your *** hair!
Look how stiff that *** is!
- Oh, ***. - What?
Holy ***.
Is it really P-22?
- It's my stomach. I definitely ate dairy.
What were the ingredients in those cookies?
- They were *** dairy free.
How many times do I have to *** tell you?
- List the ingredients!
- Oh, my *** God!
Sugar, flour, lactose-free chocolate chips,
oats, butter.
- Butter? Butter isn't lactose free!
- Yes, it is!
Butter comes from the butter plant!
- Butter plant? Maggie, what the ***?
- Oh, no. - Oh, ***.
I feel like I'm about to explode.
- It's-it's okay. Just-just-just let it out.
- No, I can't.
- Yes, you can. I believe in you.
- What are you, a high school basketball coach?
Get the *** outta here!
- Eric.
Get in here.
Now!
Sit down next to them, Eric.
Eric.
This man has come all the way over here
to tell me that you've been making memes about his nephews.
You shouldn't be a bully, Eric.
And I'm gonna tell you why.
Once upon a time, there was a little boy
who used to get his * kicked.
A lot.
This boy was really little,
so little, that people used to call him
Tiny Juan.
So Tiny Juan had a bully,
who used to do really bad stuff to him
even worse than what you're doing to these boys, mijo.
And that bully's name
was Big Luis. - Big Luis.
Big Luis bullied Tiny Juan
really, really bad.
He'd sock him in the gut and gave him titty twisters.
He'd throw wet paper towels at him while he's trying to take a dump.
He even took raw meat and smashed it into Tiny Juan's forehead
and then had a vicious dog try to eat it.
And Big Luis and all his friends would always call him names,
like White Boy or Miklo
or say stupid tonterías like, "No mames, Güero,"
which made Tiny Juan feel confused about his place in this world.
But luckily,
Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior,
saved Tiny Juan.
Giving him strength,
courage, and determination.
Because of what happened to him in school,
Tiny Juan decided to dedicate his whole life
to getting really, really, really big!
So that he would never, ever, ever, ever!
Get bullied again!
God answered Tiny Juan's prayers.
And Tiny Juan... became Big Juan.
And Big Luis
grew up to be this little *** sitting right here.
Which is why you should be careful when you bully kids, Eric.
Because these little kids that you're making memes about
can grow up to be big and strong.
And maybe one day if they pray and they pray and they pray,
God will answer their prayers many years later
by allowing them to get sweet revenge
on the boy that bullied them.
And, my boy,
God... has rewarded me today.
Niños...
go to your rooms and lock the doors.
Now!
- Run! - Okay.
- Hey, hey, listen, Tiny Juan.
That was in the past, homey, alright? I'm sorry!
Please have mercy on me!
What the ***?
I'll pray for you, fool!
Let's get the *** outta here.
- What happened, Tio? - Tio, Michael was scared.
He screamed like a little girl.
- You screamed like a girl!
- Hey! - Hey, hey, listen, listen.
There's no reason to scream like little girls, alright?
I just beat your bully's dad's *** just like you asked me to,
because I always look out for my familia.
And because I'm way cooler than your Tio Julio.
So let this be a lesson, alright?
Just because some fool's bigger than you
doesn't mean you can't put hands on him, okay?
Big Luis!
Hey, I'll race you fools home.
Hey!
This magic moment
So different and so new
Was like any other
Until I kiss you
And then it happened
- It's okay.
It took me by surprise
I knew that you felt it too
- Dawg, what happened to you? You look like ***.
By the look in your eyes
You smell like ***.
Sweeter than wine
- Me and Maggie got back together.
Softer than the summer night
Everything I want, I have
- I'll pray for you too, my boy.
Whenever I hold you tight
I'll pray for you too.
This magic moment
While you lips are close to mine
Will last forever
Forever, till the end of time
Magic
- Oh-oh-oh-oh - Magic
- Mmm-mmm-mmm - Magic
Sweeter than wine
Softer than the summer...