Shh.
I need your help.
But in order to help me, I need you to be sneaky.
Are you two little fools sneaky? - Yes.
- How sneaky? - Very sneaky.
- Okay, then.
I need you to go out back and blow up these fireworks.
You can do that for your tío Julio? - Yeah.
- You know how to use a lighter?
- Yeah. - You do?
- Yeah. - Okay, here.
Alright, get the hell outta here.
¡Niños!
- Hey, perro. What was that sound? That *** woke me up.
- Oh, ***, uh--
I don't know. You should probably go check it out.
I gotta bounce.
- Why? Where you going? What's the rush?
- Luis, just move! - No, hold up.
Feliz cumpleaños a ti
Feliz cumpleaños querido--
- Julio! Did you give my *** kids fireworks?
Feliz cumpleaños a ti
***!
- *** you. - Get your *** back here!
- Julio!
Tres leches.
Julio.
Wah, wah.
- It's funny. Nobody did anything for my birthday last week.
- Hey, what's Julio's problem?
I would have killed to have celebrated my birthday while I was locked up.
He's not happy with where he's at in life
because he doesn't know what he wants,
and so he, like, hates himself for it.
So instead of celebrating his birthday,
he literally thinks he deserves to suffer.
- Okay.
I'm gonna make sure he suffers
by celebrating the *** out of his birthday.
- Good luck finding him.
Every birthday he disappears all day.
I bet he even called in sick to work.
Pinche huevón. - Hey, hey.
Maybe he's out doing something fun.
Good morning, Mr. Lopez.
I, uh, I'm reviewing your paperwork here,
and I noticed a little mistake.
It says here that it's your birthday.
- Oh, uh, it's not a mistake.
Today is my birthday.
- Oh. Well, in that case, we should reschedule.
You shouldn't have to be here on your birthday.
- Oh, no, that's okay. Thanks for offering, though.
- You sure? - Yeah.
I specifically scheduled this for today.
- You wanna be here? - I wanna be here.
- Oh. Okay. - Yeah.
- Mr. Lopez, then I guess, uh, open wide.
Yeah.
Oh, okay. I just-- I can't do this.
I'm sorry. I cannot do this.
- But it's your job.
- What are you, into BDSM or something?
- No. - You like getting punished?
- No. - Naughty birthday boy.
I went to dental school and they warned me about people like you.
Hey, you wanna get weird with a doctor?
You go see a podiatrist. Okay?
Don't you ever come back here again, pervert.
And I'm still charging you for today.
Pervert.
***...
- Hey, Minister Payne, what's up?
Fabian got arrested.
- For what?
- Public nudity at a Jewish temple.
He was screaming to be converted.
- What? - Julio, are you listening to me?
Fabian is tweaking again.
I need you to come down here and run things
while I work on finding him a good lawyer.
- But I specifically took today off.
Julio!
Tsk.
Goddamn it.
- Oh, hey, Julio.
I hope you're having a very nice and special day.
Oh, um... for no particular reason.
- Thanks. You too.
- Oh, yeah, I'm making this cake extra special for this ***.
- That fool told me his birthday was on Christmas.
That's why I didn't buy him anything.
- Which is *** up, 'cause he always go hard for our birthday.
Last year, that *** got me some fancy-*** soap.
Somehow he knew the exact kinda soap that I wanted.
Shea butter.
He thinks we're a charity case.
Martyr-*** ***.
- Make a wish, ***.
'Cause your birthday's getting celebrated.
- Damn, that cake looks bomb!
Hey, check this *** out.
Julio? Let's get his ***.
Stop right there!
Luis told me everything.
- You ***in' lied to me.
- We just wanna celebrate your birthday.
- You made me do this.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Come on, get him! - Go! Go!
- What happened?
- He *** bit me, bit right through the fabric.
- Let's get his ***!
Where do you think you're going, man?
- Get out, homey.
Happy birthday to you
- What the *** is wrong with them?
Happy birthday, dear Julio
- Time to eat your cake, birthday ***!
Happy birthday to you
- Hold this.
This isn't over, ***.
Hey, Julio, it's me.
- *** leave me alone.
I'm sorry that I told everybody it was your birthday.
I know you don't like to make a big deal out of it,
but, you know, you've done a lot to help me out.
- I know you had good intentions.
It's all good.
Hey, listen, I really think
you should come out tonight.
I promise we'll do it up right, primo.
- I'd rather kick it by myself.
Come on, dawg.
We don't even gotta go out anywhere.
Just come out and have a pisto with me.
- You didn't hear me? I said no!
Alright, then, you ***in' *.
Have it your way.
- What the ***?
Happy birthday to you
What the ***?
- Get him, homeys, get him! - No! No!
- Watch out, that fool bites. - Get the *** off me!
His teeth are *** up, but they're strong!
No! No!
Respect my birthday wishes!
music playing on TV
Leave me the *** alone! No!
No! No!
Surprise!
You're at a bowling alley, ***.
You ready for the best ***in' birthday of your life, primo?
Come on, tell the homey your shoe size.
- Three.
- Don't be stupid.
Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf playing
Right between the sound machine
- Come on, Luis.
On a cloud of sound I drift in the night
- Yeah, homey!
- Get in here. - No, you can do it. You can do it.
- Julio!
You don't know what
Come on.
Wah!
You don't know what
Oh! Oh, ***.
Feliz cumpleaños, buddy.
Chili cheese fry.
- I'm good. No, thanks. - Your loss.
Hey.
I get that you hate your birthday,
but you should be happy there are people who wanna celebrate you.
You've made a difference in their lives.
They're better people because of you.
Oh, damn, oh, I'm pregnant.
Ay, mira, look, it's a baby Julio.
***.
- You're totally right.
I need to change my attitude. How about this?
I'll stop being a little *** if you bowl a round with me.
Loser has to lead group hug tomorrow.
- Oh, game on, ***.
- I'll go get us another round. - No, no, no.
It's your birthday. Drinks are on me. - Uh! I insist.
I ***in' bit you.
- Fair enough. You did break the skin.
What can I say, I'm blessed, I'm blessed.
- Can I get my shoes back?
- Twenty dollars.
- What?
- Birthday boy who hates his birthday,
trying to skip out on his own party?
I've seen it a million times.
Give me $20, I'll give you your shoes back.
- Goddamn it.
- Happy birthday.
- Maggie?
- Oh, ***. - Let me guess.
Luis invited you to this stupid thing, huh?
- What stupid thing?
- Who the *** is this?
- Th-- This-- This is my date.
- Hey, what's up, man? Cool shoes.
- This guy is my friend Julio Lopez.
- Hey, cool name, bro. I'm Julio Tambien.
- Oh, great. Another Julio?
What's your last name?
- I just told you, bro. It's Tambien.
- What kinda stupid-*** last name is that?
- I dunno.
- How was I supposed to know you'd be here?
You usually just stay at home and stare at the ceiling on your birthday.
- You don't know me as well as you think you do.
I'm actually having a ***in' blast right now.
- You were just trying to escape your own party.
- I don't wanna argue on my birthday. It's a special day.
- Aw. - Also, how'd you meet that fool?
- I met him at a work event for my firm. He's a lawyer.
- A lawyer? Pfft. What a douche.
- An international human rights lawyer.
Oh, what a great guy.
*** off. - Ugh.
- Isn't there like a law against dating one of your coworkers?
It's funny how you work at a law firm and I know more about the law than you.
- Oh, my God, just shut up, okay?
Look, I am happy to go somewhere else.
- I *** hate bowling. - No. Just stay.
We're all adults here. I'm 31 now.
Mature enough to handle this complicated situation with ease.
- Okay. If that's what you really want.
- Yeah. - Hey, babe. Let's go bowl.
- Hey. Nice meeting you, Julio Lopez.
- Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
- Game on, Tambien.
- Thank you. - Let's ***in' do this.
Oh. Oh.
- Hey, my boy.
Maggie's there with some other fool.
- I know.
- Well, how does that make you feel?
- It's my birthday. I feel *** great.
- That's right, my boy!
Welcome to the party!
Nice job there, gutter boy.
- Damn.
- Just nice and easy.
Okay.
- Hey, it's your turn, fool, come on.
- Whoa!
Final frame. Two pins to win.
You got this, Lopez.
*** you, Tambien.
***.
- Damn, Manuela's not doing too good, huh?
Maybe you should throw in the towel 'cause Payne already crushed you.
- Can't let that fool win.
Guess I gotta use the other Manuela.
Nookie by Limp Bizkit playing
- Right. But what I was saying was is you already lost, you know, so--
I came into this world as a reject
Look into these eyes
Then you'll see the size of the flames
- Dwellin' on the past - Past
- It's burnin' up my brain - Hot
Everyone that burns has to learn from the pain
- Hey - Like a chump
- Whoo!
- The nookie - Come on
So you can take that cookie
Yeah!
- Stick it up your - Yeah
Stick it up your
I did it all for the nookie
- Come on - The nookie
- Come on - So you can take that cookie
- And stick it up your - Yeah
- Stick it up your - Yeah
Stick it up your
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Julio
Lopez
Happy birthday
- To you - To me!
Woo-hoo-hoo!
- Did you just stick your dirty mother***in' face
into my beautiful ***' cake?
- You're supposed to let other people push your head into the cake.
Maybe it's better you don't celebrate your birthday.
I don't think you know how to do it right.
Go wash your face off.
- You ruined your birthday for us.
- Why the *** are you acting like such a tool?
- Hey, this is for men only.
Hey, you're a *** idiot.
- You're just mad I beat your boyfriend's *** at bowling.
Guess I'm still Julio number one.
- You can't beat someone you're not playing.
That's not how *** works.
- You could have at least texted me back.
- Why? Did you want to hang out with me?
- No. It's just friends should text friends back on their birthdays.
- Just admit it.
You miss me.
- I didn't say that.
- Stop being such a little *** and admit what you want.
- I don't want *** from you.
You finally said what you want.
You're growing up.
Sapo verde, ***!
- Do not eat the chili cheese fries.
Tell everyone.