Today in PE, we're having a physical fitness test!
No event is more worrisome for me than the physical fitness test.
Today, all my actions will be recorded.
Geez. What a pain...
You got that right.
Hard to get excited when they don't test things like competitive shooting or CQC.
Are you two listening?!
- You'll be punished if you slack off! - I need to focus on restraining myself.
Ball Throw Test
I'll put everything I've got into this throw!
You don't need to.
Yaaahhh!
Whoa! That went crazy far!
Hairo! 46.3 meters!
You're sweating too much.
You're even more fired up than usual!
It's true.
In the past, I might have been lacking drive.
When, exactly?
But now, I have a powerful rival.
The physical fitness test measures our overall athletic proficiency.
It is the perfect battleground for us!
Watching you filled me with motivation!
Well, Nendou? You must be pretty motivated yourself now, right?
Nendou, 51.8 meters!
What?!
Nendou threw it 51.8 meters.
Huh? That's okay, I guess.
- Talk about a change of tone. - He should know his place.
But man, 46 meters is amazing!
No, 51 meters really is more...
Next, Saiki!
I'll go while they're all focused on Hairo.
Sidestep Test
Stop!
This one was simple.
I just had to copy the guy in front of me.
I did however slip up in the ball throw.
Good thing no one was watching.
Whoa, Hairo got 79 times!
Nendou, you may have bested me in throwing power, but I'll be the victor in agility.
Next group, you're up!
How can he move like that with those *s?
They look more like delts than breasts at this point.
Nendou got 81.
- Nendou... Just what kind of monster are you? - Whatever. Did you see this week's Jump?
Go, Hairo! Grip Strength Test
Show us your spirit!
Whoa, 63 kilograms?!
Hairo is incredible!
Personally, I found his face more shocking.
So, can you beat my grip strength?
I heard Nendou pulled 84 kilograms.
84?! Th-That's...
What a man! And he still has those *s?!
That's not much of a factor here.
Whoops. I pulled too much.
Oh well, I'll make it loop around.
Things are going well.
What's Kaidou doing?
S-Saiki!
I-It's not what it looks like! I have a good reason for this!
A grip strength of 16-kg, huh?
If I remove the seal on this hand, I can pull at least 2 tons.
Isn't 0.8% power a bit too much restraint?
And 26 times on the sidestep...
I was moving so fast that it looked slow to normal eyes.
So you're a fan blade now?
And 6 meters for the ball throw?
Th-The ball encircled the Earth, so it actually went the Earth's circumference plus that.
Are you a child?
Forward Bend Test
Finally, we come to the last battle.
If I lose here, it will be complete and utter defeat for me.
- What's more, flexibility is one of my weak points. - What? You're still competing?
His *s are in his way!
Nendou, 34 centimeters.
These are in the way!
Just remove them.
All right! I think I can...
Hairo, 65 centimeters!
- Yeaaaah! I won! - Are you satisfied with that?
Nendou!
That was a splendid battle.
You really are my greatest rival!
To next time!
- Yeah! - You're acting all triumphant, but you lost, right?
Losers licking each other's wounds, eh?
Kaidou!
At least I can show some mercy.
I'll finish this with my overwhelming power.
What are you talk...
Wh... What?!
Kaidou, 74.3 centimeters.
Do you know what they called me in middle school?
Kaidou the Cave-Dwelling Bend Master!
Wow, lame.
I... lost...
- I guess I inadvertently revealed another of my hidden powers! - Why is everyone acting like they won?
Okay, it's time for clean up!
Always someone above you, huh?
I never would've thought Kaidou would show me that.
"Always someone above you," huh?
I'd like to meet such a person if they exist.
Where did my right * go?
He came again?! I'm gonna chase him away!
I've saved this damn cat before, and ever since,
he's been coming here to harass us nearly every day.
That's because...
Cats are adored and worshipped by all of mankind.
But that guy hasn't once *ed up to me!
I won't tolerate such pompous behavior from a lowly human!
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.
While it's true that most people like cats,
that doesn't mean they all do.
Are you hungy-wungies?
Here's your foody-woody!
Well, my father isn't exactly helping my case.
Want some of these yummies?
Hey, weren't you going to chase him away?
Look, I was gonna lure Amp in with this canned cat food and then chase him off.
- I never even thought of pet— - Don't name him!
This man is already under my control.
It's only a matter of time for you.
I'll come by every day until you pet me.
Hey, don't touch me, insolent human!
- He hasn't let me pet him yet. - If you want to pet me, ask first!
- Please let me pet you! - Kneel down and beg!
I might let you pet me about three tim... Huh?
Now what is it?
What's with that face?
Oho. I might be able to use this.
- Hey! Where's my food?! - Here's your foody-woody!
Canned cat food again?
Tch. Whatever.
And stop with the baby talk. It's pissing me off!
Now's my chance!
Whoa! What?
Who are you?! I've never seen you before!
Let's say my name is Sai.
Transformation. With this power, I can change my form into anything.
But the process does take about two hours.
Whoa! There's another cat here!
- Just where did you come from? - This old fart is such a creep.
- You look like someone I know. You're such a cutie-wootie! - By the way, there is one other drawback.
This only applies to my non-human guises.
Oh, a cat punch?
As I'm unused to non-human bodies, it's hard to control my strength.
What a cat punch. This cat could conquer the world.
- Whoops. I did it right after my explanation. - Y-You're amazing...
But more importantly...
What? You wanna fight? Step off! I'm not scared or anything though!
Come with me, Amp.
What?! That's Pussy!
Why did you bring me here?
He's probably been making such a ruckus because he's in heat.
I'd rather not help him, but it seems to be my best option.
Y-You want me to confess my love to Pussy?!
Wh-Why should I? I don't really care for that she-cat!
You're not hiding it very well.
Yeah, it's like you said.
I'm in love with Pussy.
I wanna mate with her so bad.
If you were human, what you just said would've been a major faux pas.
But it's not gonna happen. She'd never give me the time of day.
And who do you think I am?
I may be a cat at the moment, but it's still me here. I've got a plan.
Sai! She's in the alley over there.
We'll do as we planned, okay?
Make sure you don't mess up!
Tell that to yourself.
Talk about a surprise.
I can't believe he's got such an amazing plan.
- First, Sai will harass Pussy. - Hey, why not play with me? I've got catnip.
- Stop! One wrong move and you'll regret it! - Then I'll swoop in at the right moment to stop him.
- After knocking him out to show how cool I am, I'll confess. - Ha! Give it up already!
What an ingenious plan!
There's no way it'll fail!
There he goes!
- Stop! One wrong move and you'll regret it! - Oh! What a cute butterfly!
What?
Wh-What did you say? "One wrong move"? What are you going to do to me?
I-It's not like that! Um, what was I supposed to say?
Uh, g-g-give it up already!
Oh no, he's a pervert!
- Someone, help me! - No, no, no! Hold on a sec!
- Good grief. I make a quick bathroom stop and this happens? - No!
Help me!
- Quiet down! - Looks like the plan failed.
Guess I'll go save him.
- Sai! Good timing! - Help!
- Hurry and clear this up already! - Noooo!
I did it again. I forgot to hold back my strength.
Thank you very much!
You're very strong! I'd like to mate...
I mean, know your name!
A Few Days Later
Hey, where'd you go?! Get your * out here, Sai!
He was so incredible.
Ever since that day, I haven't stop thinking about him.
Amp! Pussy! Here's your foody-woody!
We got another cat.
I don't play the games everyone else does as I'll always overhear spoilers with telepathy.
Thus, I play the games that no one cares about.
That is, awful games.
Olfana's Story X-2.
It was 100 yen.
I was curious about the one next to this,
but that game gave off an even worse vibe.
This is Olfana, a land in another world.
Whoa, it started abruptly.
The people of Olfana are oppressed by the threat of demons called the Necrosofias.
The Necrosofias have a mysterious power called Mind,
and are planning to conquer Olfana and enact their fiendish "Limited Edition" plot.
In order to stop them,
- the king formed an expedition force called Marshal. - This all sounds like gibberish.
- Each member of Marshal has their own unique Orment, which has a power similar to Mind. - Whatever. I'll skip the opening.
Hopefully I'll pick things up in-game.
It's no good. It won't let me skip it.
The people of Olfana named this power Excel.
Just call both Mind.
I guess I'll look up these words while I'm waiting.
Now there are even more terms I don't know.
Dodge!
Awful Game Hallmark #3 A QTE suddenly starts mid-cutscene
I failed...
Awful Game Hallmark #4 ...and causes instadeath.
I only have myself to blame for that one.
I shouldn't have put down the controller.
I'll let it go and try again.
Awful Game Hallmark #5 No retry option.
Yep, from the beginning.
It's a piece of cake once I'm ready for it.
Good grief. I had to sit through that long opening twice.
I hope I can save soo...
It froze.
Awful Game Hallmark #6 Full of bugs. You can't play awful games if you can't tolerate little problems like this.
Success!
Finally, some progress.
Hey, you're not too bad.
Is that the guy on the cover?
But you're still green, rookie. Awful Game Hallmark #7
The boxart and in-game graphics look completely different.
No big deal.
Most modern games focus too much on graphics anyway.
- Look at that. - The gameplay is what's important.
The Necrosofias are really giving us trouble.
They've even breached our kingdom's walls!
But we're going to put a stop to them, in the name of Marshal!
The enemy is attacking the kingdom, eh?
Playing the game makes it easier to get the jargon.
I'm Tom. Glad to have you on the team.
Once you're used to them, the graphics aren't too bad either.
This might've been a good buy.
Awful Game Hallmark #3 A QTE suddenly starts mid-cutscene.
What, think you're too good to shake hands?
Are you one of the Necrosofias?
Let's work together.
All right.
We're brothers-in-arms!
Bite me, Tom.
I only shook hands because I had to.
You're no brother of mine.
Let's make it through this alive!
I hope they get you.
Here they come!
Watch my back!
I see. I need to watch out for attacks from behind.
A battle? Is this going to be tough too?
Take this!
They're so weak. Maybe I'll be fine.
Take this!
So this guy fights alongside me, huh?
There!
He's so weak! 2 points?
How did he kill me earlier if he's this weak?
Awful Game Character Hallmark #1 They're super strong when they're an enemy, but they're weak as an ally.
He's useless.
Oh well. Hopefully I can manage by myself.
What? Seriously?
Don't tell me I have to protect him while I fight.
The gramps who attacks you just because you refuse to shake hands?
Take this!
It's all over if they attack Tom. It's all up to chance.
Ha! One down!
Awful Game Character Hallmark #2 Even though they weighed you down, they act like they're the one who beat the enemies in the victory cutscene.
I haven't gotten very far and I'm already sick of him.
Am I still not at the save point?
They're not dead yet?
I guess there's only one option left.
Finish them with Excel!
All right. Here's my 16 hits per second, real deal button mash.
I've never seen this kind of control scheme before. Awful Game Hallmark #8 Unconventional controls.
I won't lose.
Excel!
All right!
Finally, a save point!
Never before has the save screen brought me such joy!
That was a long battle...
Oops. I broke the controller. Better fix it while I have the chance.
— Restoration — The ability to return objects to their prior state one day earlier.
At any rate, I'm finally free of that long opening cutscene.
Huh? Why am I seeing this screen?
The cable is connected to...!
This is Olfana, a land in another world.
Excel!
Soon the world will be bathed in blood...
Kaidou's eighth-grader syndrome is as bad as ever.
The time of awakening is at hand, Saiki.
Why don't you wake up?
Well then, Saiki. See you tomorrow.
Assuming there is a tomorrow, that is.
Oh, hi sweetheart!
Are you headed home?
W-Welcome back, Mama!
"Mama"?!
Are these your friends? Hello, I'm Shun's mother.
Let's just go home!
What's the matter? We live close by.
Why don't you invite them over for tea?
What?! W-Well, he's very busy. Hey, isn't that right?
- Yeah, I do have some stuff I was gonna do today... - Come on, get the hint...
Actually, it was nothing big.
Are you busy as well?
I think I'll pass.
I got some coffee jelly from the neighborhood association. Why don't we have it together?
- What? You're coming?! - Get a move on. Take us there already!
Please make yourself at home. It's huge!
This is Shun's room. It's big!
You can do somersaults on the floor! Yeah, but why would you?
He's a lively fellow, isn't he?
Well, I'll go make some tea.
Th-Thanks!
Hey, runt. You call your mom "Mama," huh?
- You a goody-goody at home? - You just had to bring it up.
- She calls you "sweetheart," huh? - Shut up!
I can't say anything to that either.
A-A goody-goody? Don't be ridiculous.
I just don't want a civilian involved.
After all, my identity in this world is Shun Kaidou, not The Jet-Black Wings.
And Mama is short for Magnificent Malevolence.
- That's how we address our mothers in my home world. - Calm down there, sweetheart.
What are you doing, you *?!
Looking for dirty mags, duh.
What?! I don't have that stuff!
Oh? This looks suspicious.
Oh? What's this?
That's...
Don't touch that notebook!
Our friendship is over if you open it!
Put that notebook down, Nendou. He's serious.
What's the big deal?
Those with eighth-grader syndrome have notebooks they never want anyone else to see.
You're no fun. I'll go check out the shelves then.
Stop it! How dare you mess up my sanctuary, bastard!
I'm back.
- Really, you sure like to get into trouble, huh? - You turn on a dime.
I know it can be tough since he's so shy,
but I hope you can continue to get along with him.
Stop it, Ma... Mom. She's quite different from my mom.
So what colleges are you two shooting for?
Ma—Mom, it's too soon to talk about that!
What? It's important to start this early.
As second-years, you must be studying for your college exams by now, right?
So which schools?
You sure are funny, granny.
"Granny"?
Why would we shoot at a college?
- Is this a sequel to Assassination Classroom? - What the hell is he saying?
No, she means a college you want to go to.
Oh, I'm not going to college. I'm gonna be a company president!
Well, good luck with that.
H-How about you?
I haven't given it much thought.
Besides...
This is all I can think of right now.
- Are you two even thinking about your futures? - Here we go...
College prep begins the moment you start high school!
Shun goes to cram school three times a week and studies at least three hours a day.
You two at least prep before all your regular and extra classes, right?
Shun! Come with me!
You two work on workbooks!
You can have snacks when you're done!
Stop associating with those two.
They're a bad influence.
You should have friends who are your equals or above you.
You don't have time to play around!
Seems his mom's obsessed with his education.
But, she's right.
Are the dirty mags in here?
His grades have been suffering, and it is a critical time for him.
Plus, I would like nothing more than having him avoid me.
- I wouldn't have to deal with him bothering me anymore. - I won't, Mama.
My friends... mean a lot to me.
I want to keep spending time with them. Please?
What, sweetheart? Are you disobeying me?
N-No, it's not like that!
What a wimp.
If you won't tell them, I will, okay?
This may be the first time he's ever tried to disobey me...
What are you two doing?! I told you to study!
I don't want you around my... What?
What? They're finished? It hasn't even been ten minutes!
Are these two... prodigies?!
Please wait, Mama!
I know what you said, but... Huh?
I hope you continue getting along with Shun!
Oh, sweetheart! What wonderful friends you have!
I didn't do this for you. I just wanted the coffee jelly.
- Leave him to me! I'll turn the runt into a proper man. - Also, I didn't want to get lumped in with him.
Why don't you study with them, sweetheart?
Huh? "Scenario for The Jet-Black Wings"? What is this?
Please lend me your aid, Saiki!
No.
That's Yoriko Itano. She's in the same class as me.
Isn't she cute?!
- I do not care. - Her birthday is December 3rd.
Her blood type is O.
- She's 160 cm tall and weighs 43 kg. - I won't help you no matter what you say.
Her measurements are 81-59-83.
She likes to listen to music. She can play the synthesizer. As a kid...
Want me to call the police?
Her guardian spirit told me all that!
I went to see him each and every day!
Hey there.
- Can I sit next to you? - You're like some nearly retired detective on a tough case.
What?
You're here again?
- Thanks to him, I even know how many moles she has now. - I guess some crimes are above the law.
If you like her so much, why not go talk to her?
- I get really nervous around her. - Not my problem.
That's why I want you to use your powers to make her do whatever I want.
You're despicable.
- I figured you'd turn me down. - Your eyes said otherwise.
Okay, then. I'll do it myself. Can you at least tell me you won't interfere?
I won't, unless it's unethical or inappropriate for TV.
I have unusual abilities of my own. I could nab a girlfriend or two easily!
That's not something you should nab.
So, are you going or not?
Now's your chance.
Who knows what you'll do if I'm not watching.
Well, fine.
This is a good chance to demonstrate my new ability: spirit channeling!
Spirit Channeling A skill in which you allow a dead person to possess your body to behave like them.
This guy will be possessing me.
You know I can't see him.
Psychometry
His name is Raiya.
He's been a real womanizer since he was alive.
Ciao.
He's a former top host.
He made a move on every woman he met.
After he felt up 48 women at once, he met his own end at a woman's hands.
Dunno if they were that idol group or whatever, but I'd say I slept with all of them.
Is this guy nuts?
Possess!
Now I can sleep with those idol girls.
No, you can't.
You're fine with this, right?
You can switch back?
My consciousness obviously stays with me.
Lots of ghosts want to experience being alive again, so they agree to help me.
No problem, right?
Suit yourself.
What? Toritsuka?
Thank you for requesting me.
I did what now?
Toritsuka seems kinda different from usual.
You're unbelievably cute.
What?! Don't tease me like that!
Are you embarrassed? That makes you even cuter.
Oh no, I can't contain myself any longer.
Can I kiss you?
Huh? W-Wait, Toritsuka!
Wait, wait! He wants to kiss me all of a sudden?!
- But... Oh no, I can't refuse him... - That former host is something.
Good job, Raiya! Now switch!
Geez. Just when things were getting good...
But still, kissing so soon is...
You pervert!
- I was so close... - Well, don't lose heart.
Girls are as plentiful as stars in the sky.
And just as unreachable.
Hold it. This isn't over yet.
I have one more guy here.
His name is Rentarou.
He seems kinda dull.
What? You're so blunt. Boo-hoo-hoo...
What's with him?
Yes, he does seem dull at first glance.
However! His life was incredible!
Childhood friends, classmates, upper and underclassmen, coworkers...
Every woman he met fell in love with him!
Was he a harem series lead?
But he was so dense that he didn't go out with anyone. A pure soul!
Huh? What are you talking about?
He is a harem series lead.
With his popularity pheromones, I'll succeed for sure!
All right, let's go!
Is this really happening?
She suddenly got interested in you just now.
No one has ever told me I'm cute before.
I never paid Toritsuka much thought, but now...
Ugh, who cares about a guy like that?!
Toritsuka?
What does he want this time?
If he tries anything funny again, I'll scream!
I'm sorry about earlier.
I'm so sorry! I did that out of the blue without considering your feelings.
I really am sorry!
You dummy! I can't say anything after an apology like that.
Don't worry about it.
Really? I'm so glad!
I just couldn't bear the thought of you hating me.
- Huh? Your face is red. Do you have a fever? - I'm not sure whether if Rentarou is that good or Yoriko is easy, but...
- I... I'm okay. - It looks like it'll work out.
Good job, Rentarou. You're the best!
Huh? Did I do anything?
Hey, did you mean what you said earlier?
What? Whoa!
Ow... Are you okay, Yoriko?
You Pervy-tsuka!
That's a standard harem series scene.
Sometimes they might tick me off,
but I like playing games on the awful side.
Next time on The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. the anime...
Looks like material is easy to come up with if you throw in new characters.