Grrr. No presents for you, you little .
This time on Il Nostro Uomo in Italia,
flying low...
We're now only about 80 feet
from that mountain, rather alarmingly.
…playing with dough...
Cute/creepy.
…and look out below.
If you're thinking of taking up woodcarving,
remember always to cut towards your own *.
♪ ♪
Ciao, gente,
and welcome to the final installment of our Italian opus.
We're getting very close to the top of Italy, and you can tell.
I've become fat, my car is full of all sorts of junk.
What is there? There's clothing,
there are two coats in there, a rucksack, another rucksack.
I-I don't know whose that is.
Uh, everything really, except my phone charging cable, which is in the hotel.
With my Panda packed with more meaningless crap than TikTok,
the last thing I need is more stuff.
So let's go shopping.
♪ ♪
What you're about to see is what happens
when the least fashionable man in Europe
arrives in the most fashionable city in Europe.
Well, viewers, I'm afraid this moment simply had to come.
I've been through Sicily, I've been through the toe,
the heel and the instep of Italy, the ankle bone,
the lace eyelet and the shinpad.
But now we are in Milan, the...
Style Centre of the World
...and I'm required to go shopping.
Some people here think that my appearance can be improved.
Milan is at the top of Italy's femur,
near the impending hip replacement.
It's home to 1.4 million people,
numerous fashion houses, and, unfortunately for me,
a pair of personal stylists called Nicola and Elena.
So you have one hour to make me... transform me
into a stylish Italian man from a stylish English man.
- Okay. - Yes. We thought, uh...
I think you have to change your shirt.
- It's quite old. And it's not... - Old?
- Yeah, there was a hole. - 18 years old.
- Hole? - Hole, yeah.
- Yes, it's got a hole in it. It has character. - Oh, no.
- Maybe. - Maybe.
- All right, fine. - Yeah.
Now, it might surprise you,
but I've never needed a personal shopper before
as I've always had a good idea
of what's what in the world of what's hot and what's not.
- I like this. - No.
Oh, no, no.
- Why not? I think this is fantastic! - Not elegant.
No.
- So, that's kind of... - No.
- Those are quite nice. - No! No, no, no, no. - Dark gray.
- No, no, no. - No. - No?
- What about that? - No.
I'll tell you what. Why don't you go and find things
that you think are right for me? I will go and choose some things
that I think are right for me.
And then we can compare, and then you can laugh at them.
- Okay, right. - Okay, perfect. - Okay. Right.
In three, two, one... go.
That's more like it. A nice cuddly jummy.
This is 48.
No, he's more like 50, him...
Come on. That's quite cool.
Or is it a bit… is it a bit Grandpa?
On the other hand, white accentuates his, erm...
- His belly. - Mm.
Let's see how tight...
Rather tight.
But he doesn't have big legs, I don't think?
It's sort of knitted camouflage. What?
- It's got a bad face from Tom.
- Okay. - So this one will go with that...
Jacket, this one.
but modelling this season's Giacomo di Maggio, it's me.
- Oh. It's… - Oh, my God.
The first look fusing urban street and tea cozy chic.
- Good? - No. - Not good.
Next up, I'm pairing mustard with milk.
- There? - Oh. Oh, my God.
- No yellow. No! - Yellow.
- For your skin, for your eyes. - You're like… You're...
- Yellow... - No.
But also, your face is yellow.
- My face is yellow? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. No good. - Yeah.
My autumn winter collection is getting something of a frosty reception.
Here we go with green again.
- That's a no, isn't it? - No.
Right, I've run out of clothes to show you now, you'll be delighted to know.
Can I see your selections, please?
- Oh, yes, um... - Our selection, I think, is better.
- Oh. Very nice. - Nice.
- Good? - Yes. - Mm-hmm.
- He's coming. Oh. - Oh.
Right. It's very cool.
- Very nice. - They know what they are doing, don't they? That's really annoying.
I'm so curious.
Me too.
- Oh.
- Amazing. - That's good.
- Mm. - It's good.
- Hi. - Italian man.
I'm going to have to admit, after years of being very cynical and sniffy
about personal shopping and all that,
you may have a point.
Uh, molto grazie.
I shall now put my pink
and purple-striped rugby shirt of doom back on,
and we'll, um, go for lunch, everybody, yes?
- Yep. - Excellent.
Nicola and Elena were over the moon I liked their style choices.
Anyone would think they were on commission or something.
Now, this region is Lombardy,
the birthplace of Virgil, Pliny the Elder, Pope John XXIII
and Gorgonzola cheese.
"Lombardy" roughly translates as "long beard."
"Distinguished goatee" also acceptable.
A cardinal's hat is all right and all that, but a beretta is better.
Now, the beretta in that little ditty, origin uncertain, refers, of course,
to another type of hat.
It's a sort of pointy cornered hat worn by the Catholic clergy.
Whereas this is the headquarters of Beretta,
the world's oldest manufacturer of guns.
So the cardinal's hat is not one he would doff,
but with an over and under, I could shoot it clean off.
With nearly 500 years of gun-making expertise under their holsters,
Beretta have supplied arms for every major European war since 1650,
and a Beretta is often Hollywood's pistol of choice in films such as Lethal Weapon,
Lethal Weapon 2, 3 and 4.
But today, I'm looking for something a bit more sporting.
These are the… the bespoke firearms of Beretta.
These are handmade by people in aprons with files,
and there are some lathes, as well,
and there's a lot of woodworking and polishing. It's all just...
It's everything you expect about something Italian.
It's functional, and it's beautiful at the same time.
The Beretta family have been overseeing production for 15 generations.
Here's their latest model, the Franco Beretta...
also known as the CEO.
The thing I really like about shotguns… Well, there's two things.
One is that it-it combines two things I really like: metalwork and woodwork.
So it's very exciting.
The shotguns are beautiful,
- but the components are beautiful, as well. - Yeah.
Can we look at some of these?
- Sure. Sure. - I don't want to disturb
these men at work.
These are ateliers, craftsmen of the highest order.
If you're in the market for a handmade firearm, it'll cost you
an arm and a leg.
Or they will accept £100,000.
And, uh, this is a characteristic.
- It is a side lock that opens up. - Oh.
- So, uh... - I've never seen that.
That is spectac... Can I see that again?
- So I simply press close? - Sure. Yeah, yeah.
And then to open, donk!
There it is. There is the side lock mechanism in there.
Normally, you would take a plate off to get to the… to the action to maintain it,
lubricate it, and so on, but this has been designed
so that it sort of pops open like Thunderbirds.
Fabulous. Grazie mille.
Whoa. Right. What's next? Wood?
- We go to the wood? - Yeah, let's look at some wood.
Over the last five and a bit episodes,
I've been battered almost unconscious by all this incredible Italian artistry,
and I've reached a conclusion.
Do you think the whole world secretly wants to be Italian?
Maybe.
Only the Italian don't want to be Italian.
Is that right? Why is that? Are they fed up with it?
Yeah, because somehow, it's the most beautiful place to visit,
but to live, sometimes, it's kind of complicated,
- but, uh, with all our accounts... - It is complicated.
Yeah, it's complicated because, on one…. on a very high level,
it's disorganized,
but at a… at the minute level,
like this, where you're making something,
- it's extremely well sorted out and organized. - Yeah.
♪ ♪
Once all these beautifully handcrafted components are assembled,
they're often bought by people with arguably more money than taste,
…could I ask for a shotgun to be engraved
- with my own face, or…? - Absolutely.
Most of the requests are either a hunting scene,
but then, there is some customer
that they really like something like themself.
Each request for us is a challenge, and we like challenges.
And speaking of challenges,
there's an Olympian-shaped one waiting for me
out on the shooting range.
This is Silvana. Buon giorno... Buonasera, I should say.
Uh, she's part of the Italian national trapshooting team,
and she competed at the Olympics in Tokyo.
So we're going to have a first to ten...
- Mm-hmm. - ...competition?
Let's do it.
Yes, viewers, shooting is yet another sport
the Italians are really good at,
topping the medal table at the Rio Olympics
and producing multiple world champions.
- Pull.
Mind you, I wasn't available for Rio.
- Pull.
As I said earlier, a Beretta is better. And they make even an amateur
- look really good.
- Does the "err" mean you've missed? - Means missed, yes.
- "Err" means missed?
- Pull.
All right.
- What's the score? - 9-3.
Right, so I've got to hit everything
and you've got to miss everything.
♪ ♪
Pull.
- Pull.
And not for the first time, England lose to Italy
in a shoot-out.
But anyway, this is actually just a ruse so I can address
some unfinished business.
Okay, you've won. Congratulations.
- Thank you. - There's just one more special target for me.
- Is that okay? - Okay.
Bim, guess what?
Shija-Ohashi is a bridge representative of Kyoto...
that crosses the Kamo River over Shijo Street.
I thought it was called Gion-bashi.
Now, viewers, as you well know by now, I'm like a kid in a sweetshop
if I can get stuck into making something.
Unfortunately, Tom the director has taken that quite literally.
This is the world's epicenter of nougat.
If you're lucky enough not to have been affected by nougat before,
here's what it is.
This is Italian nougat.
It's a special traditional sweet.
It is made with whipped white eggs,
honey and a lot of roasted almonds.
Now in my own personal confectioner's coat,
it was time to get hands-on.
We know from my experience making pizza...
- Stick to your hands. - ...that things stick to my hands, yes.
Have we got lots of material for this episode?
'Cause we can, we can spin this out a bit.
And spin it out we did.
On the way in, those almonds did say that they liked my new shoes,
but that's 'cause they were complimentary nuts.
Ha, ha, ha.
They also make nougat cakes weighing a mere four kilos,
which they adorn with nuts and marzipan fruits.
Try to shape it in a round way.
I decided to make a snowman...
That looks slightly sinister.
...who was less Frosty...
It is still cute.
...more Abominable.
Cute/creepy.
Now, I know what you're thinking, viewers,
how on earth do you top that?
Well, nearby is a town that only allows visitors
in new Italian jumpers.
This is Cremona.
It's a rather unassuming town,
roughly east-southeast of Milan.
But it did produce two famous families, two dynasties,
the Amatis and the Stradivaris, and they grew to prominence
as makers of stringed musical instruments, most particularly violins.
So what we are going to do next is something that combines
two things I really love: violin playing and woodwork.
Two things, actually, that the crew find rather boring.
It's possible you will find this
sort of thing boring as well, but to be honest,
I'm almost 59 years old and I really don't give a f...
Cremona is the spiritual home of the violin,
and there are still around 160 workshops making them to this day.
That's roughly one for every 462 residents,
and here's one called Alessandro practicing right now.
♪ ♪
Bravo. Fantastic.
May I touch it?
This is a new violin?
It's a new violin, 2020.
New violin made here,
and it is a thing of fragile, aching beauty...
Actually, it's not really particularly fragile,
they are strong as hell, but everything about that shape
is the way it is for purely pragmatic reasons.
The cutouts for the bow, the swollen belly of the instrument,
for strength and resonance, the shininess of the varnish,
all of it is about music, not actually art,
and yet i-it's just fantastic.
The apogee of woodworking is musical instrument making,
and the apogee of woodworking and musical instrument making
is violin making.
It's pure, it's Pythagorean in its function.
It is possibly one of the most important things ever created.
It's amazing.
An original Stradivarius violin
can set you back around £16 million.
Look at me, James. Slow.
But local luthiers Marco and Vincenzo
can knock you up a more affordable model for just 16,000.
Slow, slow,
because the wood is fragile.
You're talking to the right man.
Oh, you can feel it submitting.
Yes, yes, we all know I love wood.
But did you know of my keen interest in plane spotting?
Ooh, that's a very tiny plane.
If you saw this lying around, you'd think,
"Oh, that's fallen off somebody's charm bracelet."
Here we are.
That is a plane.
Bit of a bugger to sharpen, I reckon.
That is a plane, and that is also a plane.
That is exquisite.
Anyway, back to the violin.
The swirly bit at the top of the violin is the scroll,
which serves no real purpose other than to look good
and show off the skills of the maker,
which, right now, is me.
- Oh, Jesus. - Wow.
- Wonderful, wonderful. - Leave that in the edit.
The master violin maker looked at my handiwork
and said, "That's wonderful."
Leave that in. You can delete the rest of the program.
That doesn't matter, but leave that bit in, okay?
- Yes, yeah, yeah. - Good, good.
How long does it take to make one violin if you just make it by yourself?
200 hours.
200 hours,
all by hand.
That's amazing.
Well, there you are, freshly strung, the Bissolotti Stradivarius model.
That's the original man back there.
It's absolutely fantastic.
Shall we see what it sounds like?
No, because the player has gone home.
- Okay, it, then.
The following morning, mia Panda and I leave Lombardy
to head northeast into the Veneto region,
famous for baroque composer Antonio Vivaldi,
Valpolicella and the floating city of Venice.
Oh, hang on, the car is not gonna work there, is it?
Luckily, there are alternatives.
♪ ♪
There's nothing quite like taking in Antonio's hometown from the air,
in your own private helicopter with a 30-piece orchestra in the boot.
The thing that still really amazes me about Venice
is that it shouldn't really be here.
It was only established because people from the mainland
were fleeing all the hordes of vagabonds
that emerged after the collapse of the Roman Empire.
They went out to live on the mud because they thought nobody
would bother them, and then they ended up with this.
Incredibly, the city rests on 1.1 million logs,
which the settlers had lopped down and lugged back from Eastern Europe.
By the 13th century, Venice's strategic position
made it a major trading port and, consequently,
the richest and most powerful city-state in the world.
This place was so rich,
that some people gilded the outside of their houses.
The density of historical interest in Venice
far outstrips that of any other historic city.
In 20 meters, you've got the stuff of ten PhDs.
It's incredible.
No one expects you to have your own helicopter, though.
Most people travel to Venice by boat from the mainland
via the Grand Canal,
but by far the best way to explore is on foot.
Allow me to demonstrate.
I am currently here on the bridge near the railway station,
and I'm gonna take a walk through Venice.
Now, I'm not gonna use this map, and before you suggest it,
no, I'm not gonna use my smartphone, either,
because when you're down these narrow streets,
it really doesn't work properly.
I know that if I head roughly in that direction,
I will eventually get to the Rialto, which is a great landmark,
and then the massive basilica with four horses outside it
and a huge tower next door.
It's an opportunity to get a bit lost, wander around the small streets of Venice
and have an adventure.
Let's do that.
Wrong way!
I know.
Venice is known as one of the most romantic cities in the world
by people who don't have a film crew in tow.
Uh, let me just orientate myself.
So, over the bridge, Saint Mark's is roughly there.
We can have a nice walk alongside this canal
and then choose an attractive bridge to cross over again.
This way.
Called the "City of Bridges,"
Venice has 435.
That's 11 fewer than Pittsburgh,
which is also called "the City of Bridges."
Now, I know I'm just a dewy-eyed tourist, but crossing this little bridge
is better than going over a zebra crossing, isn't it?
It's just nicer.
Even the graffiti here is a bit classy.
Well, most of it.
Now I've got a bit of a choice here, because there's that one,
and some people have just gone down it, but it looks a little bit murdery to me.
Or this one.
At the moment, they're both going in the same direction.
I think it's this one.
Let's go.
Ah, you see, there's some traditional Venetian laundry.
Hang on a minute.
Right. I told you it wasn't this one.
Let's try the other one.
- Could it be one that the people went down? - Yeah, could be.
Top tip for wandering around Venice like a half-wit,
if you end up suspiciously alone,
you're probably going the wrong way.
Because the right way always has some people on it.
I'm assuming that is actually a venetian blind.
Like every other venetian blind in the world, it's slightly broken.
After two hours, I finally make it to the famous Ponte di Rialto,
named after its architect Antonio da Ponte.
You see, it's easy. There are signposts everywhere.
"In sooth, I know not why I am so sad.
It wearies me; you say it wearies you.
But what stuff 'tis made of and whereof 'tis born
I am to learn, and such a want-wit sadness makes of me
I have much ado to know myself," et cetera.
So, there you go, I've successfully made it
to Saint Mark's Basilica, so this is Saint Mark's Square.
After walking each of Venice's labyrinthine passages
at least three times over,
I am, as the locals might say, molto knackeredo.
Luckily, there's a taxi rank nearby.
Now, I've been on taxi rides
through some pretty incredible cities in the world, like New York, Paris,
Kolkata, Tokyo, and they were good.
But this is better.
As stunning as it is, Venice has been in economic decline
since the 17th century, and its future is uncertain.
It's falling to bits, it's supposedly sinking,
it costs a huge amount of money to maintain.
Most significantly, though, is the population.
In my lifetime, it has halved,
and the Venetians that remain here despise the tourist trade.
Venice, all three square miles of it,
attracts a staggering 25 million tourists a year,
outnumbering the locals 500 to one.
Until recently, up to 6,000 tourists arrived per day on cruise ships,
so, understandably, many remaining residents--
like the one I've just boat-napped--
feel their home is being treated like Disneyland.
You are a true Venetian.
Yeah, one of the last.
We are now, like, uh, 50,000.
The problem seems to me, that, obviously,
Venice was once the most powerful place on Earth,
but its reason for existence now is to be Venice.
It can't...
Is that an unkind thing to... You looked cross there
- when I said... - Yeah. Yeah.
T-The... Venice, um,
the Venetian in this period, uh, living on tourism.
Does the tourism annoy you?
What was your view on the cruise ships, for example?
We should point out, in case you don't know,
cruise ships came here for many, many years
and moored right in the Lagoon.
But then there was a decision taken to ban them.
I don't like t-the cruise ships,
but I understand that a lot of persons
are living on that type of tourism.
If Venice isn't sustained by tourist dollars,
how will it sustain itself?
Because I know it's a very, very expensive
- maintenance and upkeep job. So... - Yeah, this is the point.
This is the point. It's really hard, uh,
to find a job in the city and don't work with tourists.
Well, you hear this everywhere:
"Oh, it's so touristy." And here I am, a tourist,
promoting tourism.
Perhaps I'm the enemy.
To find out, I'd better eat some immature cephalopods with some locals.
Baby squid?
Uh, I would love a baby squid, yes.
What really reassures me about this is we've, um,
we've come here to discuss a very serious subject,
the fate of one of the world's most famous cities,
but because you're Italians, you're already talking about food.
Is Venice in peril?
Yes, because we like tourists of course...
everybody needs tourism, we need to live.
But the massive tourism coming from cruises...
they just come for one day.
They eat in the cruise, they sleep in the cruises.
That is the one the we don't need.
We know Venice needs tourists.
But over tourism is killing Venice.
It is true that if you, you know, you hang around
by the Rialto and the banks of the Grand Canal,
it is very touristy, there's a lot of souvenirs
that have come from other parts of the world, let's say.
Fascinating.
In high season,
many of the city's squares are overrun
by market stalls selling plastic tat,
which often ends up as rubbish, so it's no surprise the locals are fed up.
But what other reason is there to come to Venice?
It's not going to become a tech center.
It's not gonna be full of hipsters,
you know, working on apps, is it?
That was quite good, the timing of the bridge.
The following morning, I decide to head back out on the water,
but maybe I should've checked the weather forecast.
Well, as you can see, it's a bit of a rubbishy day in Venice today,
and that does diminish its charm quite considerably.
You could go and sit in a café and play Monopoly--
the world Monopoly champion lives here--
um, you could go to another performance of Vivaldi's Four Cheeses,
or you could go somewhere else, and that's what we're going to do.
A nautical mile north of Venice is a collection
of smaller islands called Murano,
which any seasoned tourist will know is famous for making glass.
Now, there's a good chance that you've been to Venice
and that you've bought some Murano glass,
a little fish or a little seahorse or something.
But I have to warn you that, according to the experts here,
up to 80% of all the glass for sale in Venice isn't from Murano.
It's probably not from Italy or, to be honest, even Europe.
Anyway, we're going to go and look at the real thing.
Prepare yourself for my grandmother's mantelpiece.
♪ ♪
Remember the 1970s?
Then you'll remember knock-off versions
of these glass trinkets littering houses everywhere.
800 years earlier, Murano-based glassblowers
like Paolo were kept on a very short leash.
There are two reasons why glassblowing is concentrated on Murano.
One is that in the early days, the authorities in Venice were worried
that all these furnaces would set fire to the city,
so they wanted them moved to a separate island.
Another reason, and this is the more interesting one,
is that the secrets of Murano glassmaking were very, very jealously guarded,
and if you were part of the glassmaking sect,
you belonged to a guild, you had special privileges,
you could marry into the nobility, but you couldn't leave this island,
because they were so desperate for the secrets of this process
not to make it out into the, into the wider world.
If you did escape as a glassblower, there were punishments,
such as your family were imprisoned until you came back.
If you still didn't come back, they would hunt you down and kill you.
Despite Mafia levels of secrecy here,
Paolo and his team think it's safe for me to have a turn, or a gira.
Turn! Turn! Turn!
Gira, gira, gira, gira, rotate, rotate.
- Rotate, rotate... - Uh, uh, uh...
Not too fast. Oh, yeah, it goes wobbly.
Ah, okay. Uh...
- Okay. Okay. - I'm squeezing quite hard.
Okay, okay.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. - Yeah? Oh.
Now blow in it.
What? Blow?
Go, go, go, go.
To manipulate the molten glass,
the temperature needs to around 2,000 degrees,
the same as the inside of a pizza oven times four.
Bravo. Bravo.
- Okay, okay. - Okay?
- Good. - Oh, I'm making a balloon.
Now here, with this one.
Yes?
- Here? - Good, good, keep going.
Straight, straight. Dritto, dritto, dritto.
Bravissimo. Okay, very good.
- T-That's it. - Grazie, grazie.
- Okay. - That's quite nice.
But now it's Paolo's gira to show me up.
Let's just watch it with some nice music.
♪ ♪
That was epic.
Now, that's proper skill.
You've got a few seconds to do that, no more.
♪ ♪
Bravissimo.
While I wait for my lovely bulb to cool,
Paolo suggests I check out some things
he gira-ed out earlier in the gift shop next door.
Now, my piece of art in glass will probably go
on display in this shop with a price of something like... 960 euros.
Look at the variety of stuff that they make.
I do like this chicken, and I might have her.
Holy .
Is that in lira?
♪ ♪
Well, viewers, we've still got a few euros left on the helicopter,
just enough to squeeze in one final Italian destination.
100 miles north of Venice
lies one of the most epic mountain ranges in Europe.
It is also one of the most jaw-droppingly beautiful places on Earth.
Welcome to the Dolomites, viewers, almost at the top edge of Italy,
our journey almost done.
Looks rubbish, doesn't it?
And while we're on the move, cast your mind back five and a half hours
and you may remember me mentioning my search
for the ten commandments of Italy.
Allow me to update you on my findings.
The first rule of being Italian is never, ever
drink cappuccino after 11:00 a.m.
The second rule, thanks to Paolo...
Is always make sure that your shoes coordinate or match your belt.
Numero tre: if you live near a volcano, don't worry about it.
Do you ever wake up at night thinking, "Shit,
there's a massive volcano just down the road"?
Not really, no.
The fourth commandment is that the weather
- doesn't matter. - Wow.
In at cinque, yes, the Italians
- might be better at sport... - No!
- ...fashion... - No.
- ...and making stuff... - It's amazing.
...but they will never be good at making tea.
I don't wish to be rude, but I mean, Jesus Christ.
Rule VI:
Italy can be a very frustrating place...
...but only if you live here.
Only the Italians don't want to be Italian.
- Is that right?
And number seven, la dolce vita
isn't really about the high life.
All over my trousers, all over the poop deck.
It's about good company and enjoying the moment.
- Fantastico. - You may also be wondering
why there are only seven rules
in the ten commandments of being Italian.
Well, this is Italy, and as we all know, rules are wrong.
Viva l'italia!
Now, where were we?
Ah, yes.
We're now about 8,500 feet above sea level.
Sea level being where Venice is, obviously,
although only about, uh, 80 feet
from that mountain there, rather alarmingly.
While I have the utmost confidence
in our pilot today, I am reassured
that if we were to plummet into the vast snowy wilderness below,
we'd end up in safe hands.
- Well, paws.
Mountain rescue dogs have been used to find
lost travelers in these parts since the 13th century,
using the ancient training method of bribing the dog with food.
So, these are rescue-dog handlers.
They are Sonya, Julia and Andrea, and this is a dog.
Uh, dogs instinctively know to look...
Well, these t... sorts of dogs know to look for people?
No, they-they learn that the reward is connected
with the people, so does... if they smell the people,
the humans, they know there is the reward that's food or play.
- That's quite clever, isn't it? - Yeah.
Animals are very clever. So-so can we do some training?
- Yes, sure. - Dog training, I mean, not me.
To test the dog's efficiency,
I'm taking my yoga mat and enthusiastic cameraman...
Right, are you coming with me?
- Yeah. - Oh, God.
...to trudge through minus-eight conditions
in knee-deep snow and perfect camouflage.
I'll follow these tracks.
Are these human tracks or have they been left by yeti?
I've got my mat.
Ooh, this will be lovely.
Okay. Happy with this.
Help. Help.
Rescue dogs can smell a human
from a quarter of a mile away.
Or ten miles if you're wearing Fiasco.
When the dog gets here, I have to let her bark ten to 15 times
before I give her the treat, 'cause barking is part of the technique.
That's how the handlers know where the dog is.
These dogs can also find a person buried 15 feet deep in snow,
making them the most cost-effective emergency service in the world.
They're also the cutest.
Ooh, dog is approaching.
Help. Help.
Oh. Hello.
- You got to do some barking, - Kebab! Kebab!
Big barking, come on, more barking.
That's only three. Two.
Bark, bark, bark.
Miley, bark. Ruff, ruff.
Kebab! Kebab!
- Five. More. - Kebab!
Kebab! Kebab! Kebab!
- Eight. - Kebab!
- That's it. Well done. - Kebab! Kebab!
Now you can have your dog treat.
Yes. Thank you.
Thank you for rescuing me.
This is a rescue dog from-from Sicily, and now, she saves people in return.
- Exactly. - I'd say it's excellent karma.
- What goes around comes around.
If you're nice to animals, they'll be nice to us.
Exactly.
So, I've been rescued, you now have to watch
the remainder of the series,
which is only a few minutes, so don't worry,
but you can thank Miley for finding me in the snow.
And you can also thank the production team
when the next scene gives you nightmares.
A short helicopter ride further along the Dolomites,
in the province of South Tyrol, is a rather picturesque town
known to the Italians as Castelrotto,
and it's home to a rather terrifying tradition.
This area is sometimes Italian and sometimes Austrian.
It depends on which war we've just had.
But we haven't had one for a bit, so the people here
tend to regard themselves more as Tyrolian.
And as Tyrolian people,
of course, they have some myths and legends,
amongst them the legend of Krampus,
who can be thought of as the dark side of Christmas.
You have Saint Nick, Father Christmas on the one hand.
He dishes out gifts to children who have been good.
And then you have Krampus on the other hand,
who beats children who have been bad.
They have a festival to celebrate this, weirdly,
that involves fireworks and wearing a mask,
so if we're gonna take part, first we have a make a mask.
Right.
Now, something we didn't show you in Venice,
were the elegant, traditional Venetian masks.
- Well, these are nothing like that.
This is the Krampus chain saw mask-maker.
I must say, this is the only time I've ever seen a chain saw used indoors.
- Yes, that's looking quite... - Like it.
Yes, it's looking quite scary, actually.
Krampus masks are a very niche market,
and wood-carvers like Marcus spend years mastering their craft...
We are through to the, to the back of the eyeballs.
...so our lawyers have asked me to remind you
not to try this at home.
So, now you have a good look.
Are you ready?
Oooh...
- Scared? - Yes.
Good.
That's not actually finished yet. It's got to be painted,
it's got to have some blood and gore added to it,
and some horns, just to make sure it traumatizes children,
and then, I imagine, I'll be required to wear a costume of some sort,
because production have organized this bit.
And I love dressing up.
Still, how bad can it be?
It looks like something from a Christmas card.
Snow-covered streets, twinkling fairy lights,
locals making merry over mulled wine...
...or perhaps we're in a promo
for a Scandinavian death metal band.
Every year, on this night, while Saint Nick delivers gifts to good kids...
Why did we agree to this?
...hundreds of locals dress up to celebrate
his macabre counterpart.
Well, it's a tradition...
Eh, he just said it, it's a tradition.
I'm gonna put this on now, and then I won't be able to see.
Krampus is a half-goat, half-demon dating back to pagan folklore,
who could only be killed by being stabbed with an evergreen branch dipped in blood
from God's own dark side.
Great.
- Why the long face? - I can't hear you.
Ask the boss what you have to do.
Where is the boss?
Turn to your right.
- Where is he? - Right here, here, here.
Hello, boss of the Krampus.
We'll make a show for the tourists and all the guys.
You'll have to shout.
What?
You'll have to shout.
He said they're gonna make a big show
and shout and lots of fire.
Apparently, the final items left on our Italian to-do list are:
traumatizing tourists,
yeti flagellation
and mowing Beelzebub's back garden.
Well, don't worry about me being run over by stuff.
I can't see.
Am I on fire?
Am I going the right way?
Hello, children. Hello.
Who is he?
Who was that?
Silly .
I can say what I want inside this mask.
It's fantastic.
Who the are you?
It was at this point Amazon asked us to make this
a bit more family-friendly.
No presents for you, little boy.
No presents for you, you little .
Well, that didn't last long.
Where's the camera?
Is there a camera anywhere nearby?
- How are you doing? - Badly.
Is there anybody from the village up here?
I mean, I...
- Is there an audience up here? - No.
- So they're just doing it for their own gratification? - Yeah.
So it's a dangerous cult.
Now they're gonna burn us.
One bloke went off into the woods.
I don't think he's ever gonna be seen again.
What's happening?
Something about human sacrifice, I think.
Luckily, the only sacrifice was my last remaining shred
of credibility after hours wafting around dressed as the Honey Monster from hell.
I think if I just sit here quietly and ignore them,
no one will ever know that I was anything to do with it.
Well, if anybody wants any sugar puffs, I'll be in my hotel room later.
♪ ♪
So, after a 12-week odyssey which began way down in Sicily,
I've meandered up through Italy,
stopping off at Rome, Tuscany and Turin, to name a few,
and now I'm almost at the northernmost tip of the Dolomites,
where I have a date with the final scene.
Well, viewers, we're very near the end of this really very, very epic journey
around what is actually quite a small country.
We've done thousands and thousands of kilometers,
I've slightly lost track, but it's been amazing,
I mean, look at all the things we've done.
It's just tremendous.
125cc Vespa,
one of the machines that made Italy what it is.
- Ooh, la, la.
- Perfect.
- Grazie. - Prego.
I thought these bits were good.
Okay, here I go.
- Ooh. - It's a goal.
- Yes!
I've been desperate to cut the cheese ever since I arrived here, so...
I can't.
I wasn't sure about these bits, though.
It won't go straight, Tom.
There's something wrong with it.
I find that very disturbing.
There's my hands, there's Enzo's hands.
These are the best-preserved Roman ruins on the entire planet.
I'm not sure these bits actually made it in.
Doesn't have a bell on the end.
Where is the bathroom?
Could you be quiet? Silencia, por favore.
And look at all the amazing people we've encountered.
There was her...
What the * do you want?
That's not even English.
- Him.
And him. He was good.
The captain of the Italian football squad
has correctly identified the milk jug.
- Delightful. - You coming?
Could have done without this lot in tow, though.
- And those people in silly costumes.
I think they're all getting off on the ritualistic whipping a bit.
Seriously?
So, after several thousand miles,
we've run out of Italy, which means it's time
to ditch la mia Panda, and take the last few steps
through the snow on foot,
in the hope I may say something profound.
♪ ♪
Well, viewers, we're at the end, and I have to tell you what I think.
Well, actually, I'd like to go right back to the very beginning,
where I was talking about all the clichés and stereotypes
that we, you know, attach to Italy and the Italian people.
Some of them are true.
It is chaotic, it is disorganized.
They do wave their arms around when they speak.
It is theatrical. The bureaucracy is overwhelming.
The Italians will be the first to admit this.
And it annoys them.
But that does make it a very charming place to visit.
It makes everything a bit of an adventure.
But, actually, I think the real power of Italy
is exerted far and wide in the greater world.
Because if you think of all the things that signify
a contented, w-well-lived life, well-campaigned,
it's, you know, view, villa, lakeside,
bottle of white wine, lunch,
suit, motor launch, shotgun,
handbag, sports car,
domestic appliance, carbon-fiber bicycle,
marble kitchen worktops.
All these things are more desirable
when they have the word "Italian" in front of them.
And that's the point I'm trying to make.
We patronize this country, we pat it on the head
for its endearing befuddlement,
but in truth, we're all completely on our knees
in front of Italy and the Italians.
A small part of every single one of us
does want to be Italian.
And I'm ready.
It just remains for me to say ciao and arrivederci
and see you in the next place.
Thank you for coming along.
♪ ♪