Julio!
- It doesn't look like it's gonna rain.
Julio!
- Julio! - Chinga su madre.
- I know.
- Come on now. Right there. Right there, man.
- Yeah, man.
- You got him. - Hey!
My bad to interrupt but do you fools mind moving your car?
I'm a little late for work.
- Bad timing. We're in the middle of an important race right now.
- Yeah, it's Black versus Mexicans.
- Hey, I'm Salvadorian.
Damn, all sensitive.
- You know what? I think I got room.
I used to valet.
- ***
I wasn't a valet.
Why the *** did I say that?
I got this.
You got it, you got it, you got it. You got it.
You know what? I'll just go around.
Ooh. - What the *** is he doing?
- Ooh! He got the little white fence!
- What the ***?
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Ooh. - Oh, ***
- Hey, good lookin' out, fellas.
At Hugs Not Thugs, you get a second chance
to decide who you want to be.
Whether you're a former gang member
or previously incarcerated,
we offer the resources you need to transform your life.
The system may have left you behind, but we're here for you.
And we're proud to say we remove more tattoos
than anyone else in Los Angeles.
Hey, big dawg, we can wipe away that teardrop tattoo, no problem.
Look, check it out, we offer free legal counseling,
solar panel installation classes.
Oh, and here's the founder.
Hey, Minister Payne.
This is Fabian. He's thinking about joining the program.
- What's up, big dawg?
- "What's up" is we just found out Sir Richard Branson
is making a generous donation in the amount of $10,000.
- Oh, good.
- Cheapskate mother*** spends billions of dollars
going up into space,
barely gives us enough money for making rent.
Richard, please, throw down a few more pennies
from the troposphere.
Astronaut son of a ***
Very nice to meet you, Fabian.
Welcome.
Space Knight mother***!
- That fool's a minister?
He's a Unitarian Universalist.
Those fools are like hippies but angry.
Oh, yeah, can't believe I forgot to mention.
As a bonus for signing up,
all new Huggers get a free mug.
So what do you say, big dawg?
Ready to make a better life for yourself?
Imma be honest with you.
I don't think this *** for me, bro.
- Listen, I get it, big dawg.
I know what the street life is like.
- What you know about street life?
You look like you got a season pass to Disneyland.
- Nah, fool, I grew up in these streets.
And believe me, I've seen some ***
I was cruising through the neighborhood on my new wheels,
just chillin', when all of a sudden this car pulled up.
But I didn't panic.
I instinctively maneuvered out of the way.
My homie Brian was there.
So I asked him, "What's going on?"
And he tells me, "Your cousin's drug deal went awry."
- Oh, *** Julio?
What's crackin'?
- 'Sup, Luis? Just chillin'.
Kinda scared.
- Are you *** roller skating?
- Well, it's actually aggressive roller blading.
- Damn, fool, somehow that sounds even ***
Hey, say hi to my tía for me, alright?
And don't give her any problems or I'll beat your ***
- Okay, I won't.
And then I said, "Thanks for not shooting me!"
- Hey, no offense, my boy,
but you come off like a punk-*** *** in that story.
- That's my point.
My cousin spent the last eight years in prison.
Meanwhile, I'm out here living my best life.
I even got dental insurance.
Look. Check it out.
Get in here.
- Man, your teeth still look pretty *** up, though.
- Yeah, but guess what?
They used to be even more *** up.
Look, you're gonna do what you're gonna do.
But studies show that the life expectancy of a gangster,
on average, 24 years old.
But the life expectancy of a punk-*** ***
76 years old.
Orientation is at 10:00 tomorrow.
Don't be late.
There's gonna be orange juice.
Maggie?
- Oh, hey, Julio, what's up? You need something?
- Did you just steal my car?
Excuse me?
Don't use that word with me.
My car broke down, so I borrowed yours to run errands.
I'll bring it back tonight, beggar.
- When did I say you could borrow my car?
- Remember when you left your spare key at my house
that one time on accident? - Yeah?
Then do the math, ***
Oh, by the way, your check engine light is on.
Julio, that's dangerous. I should be the one who is mad.
You know what, actually?
How *** dare you? You put me in danger.
Why the *** would you do that to me?
- Well, bring it back then. I gotta pick up Luis.
- No ***
They're letting your cousin out?
Man, the prison system is stupid.
- Actually, he's gonna stay with us for a while.
Imma help that fool get his life together.
Take that fool under my wing.
- You know, Julio, you really are the nicest ex I have.
That's why I thought you'd be cool if I borrowed your car.
But if you want me to bring it back, that's fine.
- Thank you.
- I'll just call another ex.
Maybe Carlos.
We're talking again.
The Black man is the original man.
And Latinos, Asians, and Native Americans are all our children.
Now some of you make me proud,
but some of you are not men.
You may have the body of a man,
but possess a child's will.
Stand up for the word of the Lord.
A storm is comin'!
- Sorry I'm late!
Damn, you run slow.
You should have brought your roller skates.
- They were roller blades.
It's different.
- So... where's your ride at, primo?
- I let my homegirl borrow it.
But don't worry, I got you.
I'll call us an Uber.
Uber is like the taxi of the future.
I know what Uber is, pendejo.
Eh, talking to me like that.
Actually, they have Uber in prison.
Yeah. His name is Thumper.
And if you give him a pack of cigarettes, he'll carry you around, like, hey.
It's pretty convenient.
Damn, my boy. I haven't seen you forever.
Hey, for real though,
why does your body still look 19
but your face looks 56, fool?
Yup.
- You got Edward James Olmos' face.
- Welcome back, fool. I missed you too.
- Ehh.
Don't be nasty, alright? We're family.
I don't get down like that.
- Cool. Yeah. Okay.
I'm gonna beat your ***, Michael!
- Hey, hey, Aiden. Come here.
Gotta be more careful, alright?
You almost just broke this photo of me and my mom.
I'm gonna forgive you because you're a little homie.
But if this was a level four yard, I would've stabbed you.
You understand?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Now, come here. Give me a hug. I'm your tío Luis, alright?
I love you, mijo.
- Julio. Julio!
- Eh, who let the Mexican Oompa Loompa in here, huh?
Oompa!
- Hey, what's up with that tarp I saw on the roof?
Yeah, teach his ***
This fool can't even build Legos.
It's the least I could do to repay you.
- Actually, I have some exciting news.
I've kinda become a big deal at Hugs Not Thugs
which is now the fifth largest gang rehabilitation center in Los Angeles.
Anyway, I pulled a few strings and I was able to get Luis a spot.
Imma be your case manager, help you find a new career.
- You can case manage these nuts, homie.
- Yeah, Julio, you're the one who needs to get your life together.
Like, you waste all your money buying dumbass comic books
and I literally saw CDs in your room.
Like, who the *** pays for music, idiot?
- I like physical media.
- Yeah, Mom, how come you let him stay here for free?
You made me start paying rent after my quinceañera.
You made me pay for my quinceañera.
- Ah, nah, don't worry about me, tía.
I can find a job on my own.
Plus, I just got out, you know, I wanna kick it first.
- Hmm. So I guess if he wants to stay here,
then he has to join Hugs Not Thugs.
Hurry up, we're gonna be late.
- Where's your ride at?
- You took my car to San Diego?
- I thought you needed to run a few errands.
People can run errands in San Diego.
Don't be racist.
- What the *** kind of errands are you running in San Diego?
None of your business what kind of errands.
Always so nosy. Respect my boundaries. Bye.
- She's your ex? Ah, she's using you, bro.
Look at it closely.
- We still hook up. Sometimes.
- Hey. Doesn't that make your boyfriend jealous?
I feel for him.
You should all be proud
to be sitting here today,
mainly because it means you've escaped
the corrupt for-profit prison industrial complex
put in place by our racist, classist government.
But also because you've taken the first step
towards gaining control of your life.
Now, the second step is a test
of great spiritual and mental fortitude.
You must bake
a delicious cupcake.
What? What?
- Yo. Julio, what the ***, man?
Thought you said I'd be designing solar panels and ***
- Hey, dawg, the only way we can afford that program
is by selling these cupcakes to local supermarkets.
- People love buying cupcakes from ex-gang members.
The only nonprofit that sells
more sweets than us are the Girl Scouts.
If the Girl Scouts ever start getting face tattoos, we're ***.
- Hey, this is like some exploitation ***
It's like prison labor, homies.
We oughta unionize.
Shut the *** up!
Now I know why you *** don't wanna bake cupcakes.
See, it ain't got nothing to do with the pink apron.
It's 'cause deep down inside,
you mother***s is afraid to fail.
'Cause this ain't your world.
This is my world.
Cupcake world.
I'm a cupcake girl in a cupcake world.
And you will not come in here and disrespect my cupcake world.
***
- Thank you, Chef Percy Williams.
He started out just like all of you
then he went through our culinary program,
and now he is a gourmet pastry chef at Sprinkles.
- Well, I'll *** with some Sprinkles.
- A'ight, now enough of this ***
Let's get our bake on.
- Hey.
Why'd you bounce?
- Dawg, that cupcake *** is embarrassing, alright?
That's stuff my mom used to do.
What's next, you want me to knit you a sweater or what?
- It's called art therapy,
and that's on your schedule for 2:30 today.
And actually, it's really fun.
- Damn, you're moody.
You on the rag or what?
Oh, *** fool, you're pregnant?
Can I touch the baby?
Aye, mira, look, it's kicking.
Uh! Unh. Uh-huh!
- You're *** ignorant.
It's not 2005.
Tobey Maguire ain't Spider-Man anymore.
It'll always be 2005 up here, my boy!
- Listen, if you can't even bake me a cupcake,
I'm gonna have to cut you loose.
Then you have to move out of my house.
Tough love, playboy.
- Hey, fool, when you're done with that *** Captain Planet ***
I can teach you how to do some man ***
- How's recycling ***?
- Don't play stupid, alright? You know why.
Damn, now I'm feeling all energized and ***
Where do you keep the weights at?
I wanna work out.
- I don't have any weights.
I mostly just run for exercise.
- No wonder your torta ex-lady always steals your car.
Come on, pick up the pace.
You don't get all swole from making cupcakes.
- It's *** heavy!
- Hey, liquids ain't heavy. It's just water.
Damn, you still got a lot to learn from me.
You're like a little kid still.
Maybe I'm the one that should be your caseworker.
- *** this. I'm done!
- Nah, nah, nah. You just need to cool off.
Here.
Toma!
Hey, Luis.
I wanna apologize.
I went too hard on you about the cupcakes yesterday.
The important thing is, is that you're trying your best.
It tasted good, huh?
Oh, yeah.
- Just in case your best isn't... the best.
You are all disgusting wet batter.
But out of that disgusting wet batter
can rise a beautiful cupcake.
You just have to figure out what your motivation is.
Maybe you're doing this for somebody you love.
Or maybe you're just doing it out of spite.
Hell, most good things in this world was done out of spite.
America started out of spite for the *** Brits.
Pepsi started out of spite for *** Coca-Cola.
Sprite,
spite!
You have the power to make a difference in this world.
Whoa! All this motivational speaking is making me thirsty!
Goddamn!
Yo, somebody give me some damn Sprite!
Hey, chef.
I'm done over here.
Don't worry, chef.
I'll taste test it.
- Yeah, well, this *** gonna be bomb, homie.
Trust that.
Hmm. I don't know.
I taste a lot of thug in this.
But not a lot of hug.
Guess you better try again.
- You *** liar. - Hey, dawg,
we just have a really high standard for cupcakes here.
Making cupcakes ain't no cakewalk.
- Man, *** you and *** your cupcakes.
*** boy.
- *** boy? Are you for real?
Nobody finds that *** funny anymore, dumbass.
- This mother*** got that 10th grade ignorance.
It's not 2005 no more.
- Man*** you. *** all you fools.
I'm done with this stupid-*** program.
- That's what I get for being nice and trying to help your ***
- You know what? I can smell that nice guy *** a mile away.
You don't give a *** about me.
Why don't you drop the fake *** and swing on me, perro, huh?
I know you want to. Come on, ***
Hit me with your best shot, you *** .
- Alright, fine.
When your mom got sick, you weren't there for her
because you were in prison for doing dumb ***
This fool's coldblooded.
Hey, don't ever tell this fool nothing about your life.
*** me.
Mm!
Now, that is one delicious cupcake.
Why did you lie to your poor cousin?
Look, I'm just trying to help his ***
But that fool won't listen to me.
He still sees me as a little kid.
- Julio, did I ever tell you about the worst thing
I've ever done in my life?
- Well, yeah. The documentary you made
about the annual ping-pong tournament on skid row.
- No.
I'm talking about when I worked for a bank foreclosing on people's homes.
You didn't like my doc?
- No, no, no, no, no. I like it.
I thought it was really sad,
and that's how I knew it was good.
But anyway, what were you saying about the bank?
- Well, I was so ashamed at what I was doing
that I quit my lucrative job
and I moved by myself to a remote village in Venezuela
that had been devastated by mudslides.
I spent six months rebuilding people's homes.
My hands are covered in blisters,
my body was full of bruises.
I caught this intestinal parasite that I think is still with me.
But I never felt so happy.
I never felt so fulfilled.
And then one day, every single house that I built fell down.
Because I had no idea how to build houses.
But I knew how to make pizza.
I made so much pizza, they called me Hombre Pizza.
Unfortunately, it turned out that everybody in the village
was lactose intolerant, so, um--
I was asked to leave.
- So you never got to help them, huh?
- No, but I learned something very important.
You see, I have a bad habit of focusing
on other people's problems while ignoring my own.
And I think you might have that same problem.
- You know... just to say it,
I think the only issue I had with the doc
was the soundtrack.
Yeah, it had way more flute than I'm used to.
But you know what?
Some of my favorite movies, I hated the first time.
- Get the hell outta here and go apologize to your cousin.
- You're right. - I like flute.
- Okay. - You try making a *** movie.
Sorry.
- You're welcome, by the way.
- I'm welcome? You're the one who should be *** welcome.
This is my car.
- We've had *** in the backseat. It's our car.
- Imma start a GoFundMe to buy you a new Nissan Altima.
I want my key back. - Okay, okay, okay.
Jeez, I'm sorry.
But maybe the reason I borrowed your car was--
- Stole my car, committed a felony, really.
- I wanted a reason to hang out with you.
You never hang out with me anymore.
- We broke up! - Yeah, like months ago. Get over it.
- You only wanna hang out when you want something from me.
- Oh-ho-ho. Like how you only wanna hang out
when you wanna smash?
- Yup, exactly like that.
Hmm.
- But for real, if you pull this *** again,
I'm not letting you come over for Christmas.
- Julio Miguel Bonifacio Lopez De La Riva,
if you take your family away from me
and make me go back to mine,
I will beat your ***
I'm gonna slide down the chimney
and I'm gonna choke you out so hard you're gonna come out your eyes.
- Jesus Christ! What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?
You like it.
- Yo, pull over.
- So you're stalking me now?
- You know it. Give me some chon-chon.
- You know, it's funny.
One time right over there,
me and the homies robbed these nerdy-*** rocker fools.
- That was me and my friends.
- Yeah. Those were good times.
***
- I was lying about your cupcakes. They were bomb.
And I shouldn't have said what I said about your mom.
I miss her too.
- Nah, nah, nah, it's cool, alright? It's cool.
We were throwing down.
I've been shot three times,
it hurt less than the *** you said.
You throw punches with your sick-*** mind.
- I don't know, I guess I've been pissed at you
'cause you just keep capping on me.
- Alright, I'm sorry, homie.
I'm sorry, alright? Damn.
It's just, you know,
calling you *** was the only thing
that's made me feel like *** back to normal.
- But *** changed, fool.
I'm a grown-*** man.
I even got dental insurance.
- Yeah, but you still live at your mom's pad, alright?
Same place as me, homie.
- Yeah, but--
No, yeah.
- And your teeth are pretty *** up.
- I still got more appointments!
Get in the car, losers.
Sorry, there's only one *** seat.
- Damn, I thought for sure you'd be a torta.
Hey, fool, hook me up.
- Hey, Luis,
shut the *** up before I *** you up.
I'm not Julio. You ain't my family.
Hey, y'all ain't got nothing.
You don't got me. - You ain't got nothin', man.
- You gotta get your money from me, boy.
- Yo, I got $20.
- Goddamn it.
- You want me to talk to these busters?
- No. I got this.
- Alright, then, fool, we'll wait in the car.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh. I'm gonna film this.
- Hey! I'm gonna need you fellas to move your car.
- Damn, bruh, but we're kinda racing right now.
- Last time it was Blacks versus the Mexicans,
this time it's Mexicans versus Blacks.
- Dawg, I'm Salvadoran.
Man, we talked about this.
- Move your *** car!
- Whoa, bro.
Watch your tone.
We don't play like that.
- You wanna die, homie?
- Yes! Please! Kill me, ***
I don't live to live!
- What?
- I'd rather die than let you fools walk all over me.
Because that's my thing!
I focus on other people's problems to avoid dealing with my own.
I definitely got some codependency issues going on with my ex-lady.
Hey!
- Do you fools even know what codependency is?
I just read about that ***. It ***!
I got a lot of work to do on myself and I don't wanna do it!
So just shoot me, please!
- Whoa, fool, chill.
We don't even have guns.
- Then choke me, ***
I hope you don't have lawyer hands
because I also got a fat neck,
which is something else I'm insecure about.
Kill me. Do it.
What the *** is this fool doing?
- I don't know but it's turning me on.
- Hey!
Next time you fools better kill me.
You saw how I fooled those fools with my sick-*** mind?
- More like they saw me get out the car and knew I'd beat their ***
Hey, you know what? You do have a fat neck.
You probably can't even wear turtlenecks, huh?