Look at that.
Ch...
Ch?
Che...
Check?
Check.
M...
Maaa... ate?
Checkmate?
Checkmate! So it is.
See, it just goes to show you.
Yes, well, good game, son.
Lois!
Hey, he lets me win at basketball.
All right, spin around twice, hit the ball
on the second bounce.
It's two points for a car
and three for a fire hydrant.
It's an out if they catch it
and two if they hit you with the ball.
Now, if they miss, it's a "google,"
which I'll explain when we get there.
You're up.
It's amazing.
Reese can't pass math,
but he's invented over, like, 50 games.
Fun games.
Okay, spin!
I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Not Mrs. Griffin's yard.
There it is.
Dude, she doesn't like anybody in her yard.
I'll be in and out of there before she knows it, right?
Just because she's old and mean
doesn't give her the right to keep our *.
I'm sold. Go for it.
Fine, I'll do it.
It's no big deal.
I don't see you moving.
What are you doing in my yard?
Let go! It's my ball!
My property, my ball!
Who said you could come into my yard?
Ow! What are you doing?!
Choose, boy!
Hair or ball?!
You broke her arm?
I was getting a ball.
You broke her arm for a ball?
No, I already had the ball, then I pushed her away.
You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?
Was it a special ball, son?
It was just a flat old tennis ball.
Sometimes I don't know why he does the things he does.
LOIS: At least she's not suing us.
You just be thankful we have
absolutely nothing of value in this house.
Count your blessings, son.
I talked to Mrs. Griffin.
This is what's going to happen.
You are going to go there every day after school
and help that poor old woman until her arm heals.
Every day?
Not one word! Every day.
End of story.
Hello?
Hey, Ma, listen,
did you happen to talk to Richie's mom recently?
Yeah, as a matter of fact I did.
Do you know how much grief
that boy is putting her through?
I told her if she had a brain in her head,
she'd pack him off to military school and straighten him out
before he got into serious trouble.
Okay, thanks. Got to go.
Well, it wasn't her.
I need a new backpack.
Again? How do you keep ruining them? I don't know.
Well, I'm not buying you another backpack.
You just find something in the closet.
Okay.
Okay, maybe it's a good thing that I'm doing this.
I'm not saying I'm completely to blame,
but in a way I am responsible.
I guess I was trespassing, and I did hip-check her.
And who knows, maybe she won't be that bad.
Maybe she'll be like a grandma--
well, not like my grandma-- like a nice grandma.
I'm the kid who broke your arm.
I'm really sorry.
Here, fill this up.
I'm not having any druggies in my house.
God, she's like a homeless person,
and this house is her shopping cart.
Get out of the way, you damn ugly beast.
What'd you do, stupid?
What? Does this look like a rubber band jar to you?
This is a rubber band jar.
Are you ignorant or just stupid?
Neither. There's no such thing...
Did you finish moving my papers?
Almost.
Do you read all these?
What, are you writing a book?
Just move 'em.
What are you?
What, like how old?
No, what are you?
Polack? Swede?
Apache?
I really don't know.
Uh-huh, a mutt.
Well, whatever you are, stay away from my liquor.
Look, it's almost 5:00, I'm going to get going soon.
Really?
I didn't realize my arm stopped being broken at 5:00.
What am I going to do for dinner?
Can't you just order take-out?
I'm not giving those Mexicans my money.
They're as bad
as that Lithuanian that fixed my screens.
Boy, did he love ice cubes.
Those 'Wanians and their ice cubes.
I can't believe how horrible she is.
I'm just going to ignore her.
But you just try and get those people
to pay for anything.
Oh, he got his special ice.
I suppose you're Dutch.
What's that? My new backpack.
Dewey, that's not a backpack; that's Mom's purse.
Now, go back and get something else. No.
Dewey, you're wearing an invitation to an *-kicking.
I like it. Look... I don't think you understand.
Kids like me are dreaming about something like this.
We look around the playground and we see
normal kid, normal kid, and a kid with a purse.
Who do you think's going to get creamed?
Is one of the normal kids fat?
It doesn't matter!
He's going to be fat every day.
Now, the kid with the purse, he might not wear it again.
I don't care. I like it.
Give me that! No!
You don't know what these animals are capable of!
Let go!
I'm trying to protect you!
Richie, what are you doing?
We have inspection.
You can't sleep all morning.
Dude... not cool.
Richie,
this isn't like home.
You can't do whatever you want.
These guys are hard-core.
And also, there are some crappy flat pillows.
Who do I talk to about that?
MAN: Ten hut!
(whispers): Stand up.
Pajamas, Cadet?
Sir, I'm sorry for my fellow cadet's appearance.
He's fresh from civilian life
and is taking a little time to adjust.
Hey, are you the dude who hands out the guns?
And you can see
he's very anxious to assimilate himself
into our military lifestyle.
What's your name, Cadet?
Richie. Pleasure.
Listen closely, Cadet.
This is not going to be easy for you.
Your family sent you here
because you couldn't handle it at home.
Maybe you were coddled.
Well, there is no coddling here.
You make a mistake
and you will be punished.
Be aware, Cadet, I am keeping my eye on you.
Good one.
Pardon?
You're keeping your eye on me.
You know, you got only one eye.
(laughs): Like Popeye.
I think it's cool that you're cool with it.
That's amusing.
I've never heard that before.
Carry on.
Popeye.
Quite amusing.
Is he like our butler or something?
I can't close my eyes.
Every time I do, I see what was under that robe
on the inside of my eyelids.
I can't go back there.
Malcolm, why aren't you over at Mrs. Griffin's?
She said she doesn't need me anymore.
There's some new medicine.
It's good for old people's bones.
She has a lot of pride.
I think it bothers her when I'm over there.
I am so sorry.
GRIFFIN: That's all right.
I'm sure, when I was his age,
I wouldn't want to hang around
with some old person whose arm I had broken.
You're a mean, thoughtless little boy.
Trying to make an old woman
suffer more than she already has.
Yes, ma'am.
You're a nasty little liar, aren't you?
Well, liar, you're the one that's going to suffer
as soon as we pick up my prescription and get home.
Ooh, damn cast itches like a Greek sailor.
Stop pawing at me!
Hey, Dewey.
You know what?
I've been thinking.
You know how I never give you anything
for your birthday?
Yeah...
Well, here.
Happy birthday!
I already have a backpack.
Not like this one.
See, this one has a whistle.
Why are you flinching?
I'm giving you something nice.
But I'm not going to take it.
Here, just hold it. No.
Why won't you let me do something nice?!
I don't want it!
You're going to wear this
and there's nothing you can do about it!
Dad, you have to do something about Dewey
taking Mom's purse to school.
Don't worry, son, it's just a phase.
Aren't you worried about how this reflects on you as a parent?
Reese, one boy's purse is another boy's book bag...
if he's European.
Besides, I can't tell you how many times
I've been jealous of your mother and her purse.
You know, we men have to shove our whole lives
in a little square of leather that we then have to sit on.
I'm not saying that I condone it,
but I am saying, let Dewey have his purse.
Perhaps he'll blaze a trail for the rest of us.
I don't think these new pills are working.
I keep taking them
and I don't feel anything.
Don't be stingy with that lotion.
You're going to need a knife when you get to the corns.
If I didn't know any better,
I'd say that new doctor was Hungarian.
Dr. Freeman.
Freeman.
Ha.
If that's not an Ellis Island hand-me-down,
I'll eat my Sunday hat.
I don't think you're supposed to take
those pills with alcohol.
Ooh, now you're worried about me.
Where was that when you broke this arm?
You're just like that...
that nosy Kraut cleaning lady of mine.
Your hands are similar, too.
Small.
Like a girl's.
Okay, that's enough.
You're a horrible person
and I hate you!
I know I'm not supposed to hate people,
but if anybody should be hated, it's you!
It's a good thing you called us.
How long has she been like this?
Hours.
She passes out for awhile, wakes up, takes more pills,
and passes out again.
Pernabutol. What's the dosage?
Hundred milligrams, two by three.
She taking Fermatram with that?
I doubt it.
That's been contraindicated since '87.
No, this seems like a pretty straightforward alcohol/sedative reaction.
Absolutely.
If she's anything like my mom,
Mrs. Griffin will be knocked loopy
for the next three and a half hours.
We're completely unsupervised.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Is this what you were thinking?
Not even remotely.
I was thinking more along the lines of...
Why doesn't he have to cut his hair?
I don't know.
Why does Spangler let him wear a bathrobe to class?
I don't know.
Maybe he saved Spangler's life.
He didn't save Spangler's life.
Well, it's got to be something, because it's just not right.
Richie.
Take a quarter from me.
Thanks, Chief.
No problem, Richie.
You guys talking about Spangler's son?
He's not Spangler's son.
I grew up with him. He's a *up.
He's a slack dumbass who lives in his mother's basement.
It's got to be Spangler.
He must be mellowing.
CADET: Sir!
Cadets.
What's up, Chief?
LLOYD: I've been onto you from the start.
Not once did you pull any wool
over this boy's eyes.
You come in here, put a paper lantern around a lightbulb
and, lo and behold, you're the Queen of the Nile.
I say ha!
(Southern accent): I've always depended
on the kindness of strangers.
Stella! Stella!
Whoo! Yeah!
That was great!
What's next?
I have no idea.
We've done everything we can do in this house.
It can't be over. Come on, think.
With our brains and your gift for reckless, antisocial behavior
there's got to be something else we can do.
I've never felt more alive.
We're outlaws. Whoo!
This rocks!
Hey, I think 45 minutes of rubbing out corns
is worth at least an hour joyride.
At the best, you ignored us.
At the worst, you tormented us.
Now, the tables have turned.
The Krelboynes are mobile.
Behold our derring-do!
What?
What's going on?
She saw me. She saw me.
I am so dead.
We're all dead.
I'm not going to get into a good college.
Mom is going to kill me.
We should just end this.
We should drive off a cliff, like Thelma and Louise.
Why does everything end in a group suicide with you?
Okay, okay. Stop panicking.
Let's all just calm down, and think about this, okay?
Okay, first of all, I don't think she saw you guys.
So there's no reason we all should get in trouble, and...
Guys?
Stevie, want some help?
Pop... the trunk.
Entrez.
Sir, it's about Richie. Is he all right?
He's more than all right, he's in heaven.
Don't you think you've been letting him slide a little?
Yes. You're letting him get away with murder.
I certainly am.
Are you aware that he thinks
he's immune to any punishment?
That he can do whatever he wants?
I am, and he can.
Sir...
are you just messing with my head?
It's not always about you, Cadet.
Well, then, what is it?
Francis, I'm not an idiot.
Don't you think that I know Richie is a moron?
Hell, he is a cancer.
He is a cancer to be eradicated.
If Richie's attitude spread to the other cadets,
there's no telling what it would do to Marlin.
What do you mean? You're treating him like a god.
And that makes the other cadets furious, doesn't it?
It makes them want to hurt him...
to hurt your little friend?
Wait a minute... you're turning us against him.
You want us to get rid of Richie ourselves.
Bravo, Cadet.
You see, every threat to Marlin must be treated differently.
You, Francis, had to be beaten down, like a dog.
Richie is being killed with kindness...
or at least pummeled into unconsciousness.
Oh, that is pretty clever, sir.
But what makes you think I won't just tell Richie
about your plan?
Oh, feel free.
But I don't think you will.
He's my best friend. Why wouldn't I tell him?
Because you hate him, too.
You're resentful of all the special privileges
that he gets-- the expensive dinners,
the use of the Academy golf cart...
the way he gets shiatsu massages
when the rest of you are suffering
through survival training.
That doesn't matter.
Of course I would tell him.
I would be a traitor if I didn't.
You would be, wouldn't you?
Richie...
No time to talk, man.
Wait, this is important.
Dude, watch it.
This shirt was a gift from Edwin.
It cost 200 bucks.
Richie, I'm trying to tell you something.
Well, you'd better say it quick.
Edwin'll freak if I'm late for the match.
We've got early dinner reservations.
You know what?
It can wait.
Fine.
No, wait.
I have to tell you this.
You're my friend, and I owe it to you.
Spangler is only being nice to you
so that we all hate you and beat the snot out of you.
I can't believe it.
I know.
You're jealous of me and Edwin being buds,
so you're trying to shove a wedge between us.
That's sad, man.
Just remember I told you.
Whatever, man.
Sour grapes.
But I told you.
Whatever.
RICHIE: Hey, dudes, cool hoods.
Ow!
Think! Think!
I'm a genius.
I can think of something.
Why can't I think of something?
Where you been, car thief?
Come back to steal my jewelry?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It was a horrible mistake.
Oh, my God, my mom's here.
What am I going to do?
You're a good lady. You're a good person.
Please, if you have any shred of decency
you'll give me a five-second head start
so I can head towards Mexico.
Please, I'm begging you.
You don't know what she's capable of.
Malcolm, get your things. We're going home.
I am so sorry for all of this.
Sorry for what?
My son stole your car...
and he was out joyriding in it.
Joyriding?
That was no joyride for me.
I was passed out in the backseat.
What?
I made a mistake
with my medication, and he drove me to the hospital.
Huh?
He was driving you to the hospital?
Yes, who else is going to do it?
I'm just an old woman. I live alone.
Malcolm, when there's an emergency,
you should come to us.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Because I wasn't thinking
and I just did it.
I'm sorry.
And I... yeah.
Well, it was pretty quick thinking.
He's a good boy.
I don't know what I would have done without him.
Thanks.
In fact, he's so kind...
he offered to come help me before school
every day, too.
Before school?
Really?
I thought that was too much, too.
Especially since these old bones heal so slowly...
it'll be months.
But he insisted.
Didn't you?
Yeah.
Ooh, these corns are burning.
You'd better go get the lotion.
Well, I'll leave you to your work.
Guess you won't be coming home for supper.
And to think, I was all ready to punish you.
Don't just stand there, thief.
Let's go.
Hey!
Here's your stupid backpack back.
BOY: What's up with the flower field?
Hey, Percy, I love your purse.
It's for his own good.
It's a book bag.
It's a girl's purse.
That makes you a girl.
No, it doesn't.
Are you calling me a liar?
Aah! Get him!
Nice!