Hey, guys. What you doing?
Hup!
I wish he could stay little forever.
Reese finally found a way to beat the snot out of people
and actually get a trophy for it.
When's Reese up? I think he's next.
Ooh!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yee-hee!
You're Reese's parents?
Why?
He's incredible. I was at the last meet.
His match was the turning point.
He inspired the whole team.
And?
Nothing.
He's great.
Thank... you.
Go team!
Thank you, Braveheart.
Where's Reese? Shouldn't he be warming up?
Reese! You're up next.
Let's go.
Go, Reese.
All right, who's up?
Uh-oh.
Well, that's not fair.
What do they expect him to do--
beat up a girl?
I get to beat up a girl.
Cool.
Go, Reese!
Two points.
One point.
Two points.
Come on, Reese!
Let's go, son!
Kill her!
REFEREE: Warning.
Come on, ref!
Stop! Warning!
Kill him!
Aah!
Ow! Aah!
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
Is Reese a girl now?
No, Dewey. He's a lady.
Shut up!
Sorry, ma'am.
All right, that's enough.
Reese lost a wrestling match.
It's no big deal-- sometimes you win,
sometimes you don't.
Yeah, son, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
You did your best.
That girl was just inarguably a better wrestler than you.
Oh, my God, she had you flopping around on that mat
like a rag doll.
Hello.
Hold him down!
You, shave his *.
Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day
to buy me a plane ticket home for my...
(whispering): birthday.
Honey, we talked about this.
We can't fly you back here in the middle of the week.
You'd only be here for eight hours.
But, Mom... Sweetie, I'm sorry.
I wish things were different,
but you were just home for Thanksgiving,
and that's all we can afford right now.
Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their
(whispering): birthday.
They strip you *,
and they shave every hair off your body
and they throw you in the reflecting pond.
Is that what you want for me?
I'm impressed, Francis.
Your stories are getting better; at least more believable.
What stories?
Oh, when you wanted to come home for that party
and you swore the academy was being terrorized
by a pack of feral dogs?
Which were never caught.
Francis, I want you home for your birthday, too,
but we just can't afford it.
Fine. I guess I'll just fend for myself
and hope these monsters don't find out it's my...
(whispering): you know.
He's still got an eyebrow!
Get him!
Hey, Malcolm.
I heard about your brother last night.
It was hilarious.
You didn't see it?
A sporting... event?
Right. I wonder what it's like
to get beat up by a girl.
It's totally humiliating.
You just want to die.
Your brother didn't soil himself, did he?
No.
Neither did I.
You know...
Reese's embarrassing defeat could have
serious consequences for us all.
He'll be working extra hard
to prove he's still on top of the food chain.
You're saying we could actually have a meaner,
more vicious Reese on our hands?
It's very possible.
We can't avoid the beatings,
but I suggest that, as a wedgie deterrent,
we go without underwear for the next several days.
Uh-oh.
Here he comes now.
This is the first time I've ever been happy to be me.
You want something to look at?
I'll give you something to look at.
The old chocolate milk diversion.
Wish I had thought of that.
Okay, what the hell was that milk thing on the playground?
I don't know. I had to do something.
So you poured milk on yourself?
Why didn't you just pound that kid?
Because I'm sick of doing that.
I'm sick of beating up little kids.
It's creepy.
But that's you-- that's what you do.
Not anymore.
That was the old me.
The thing I did at school today
was me destroying the old Reese.
So, drenching yourself with chocolate milk
was like a baptism?
No, idiot.
I was washing away the old me and starting over.
You know, you've been acting really weird
ever since you got your * kicked by that girl.
It's not just about the girl.
Wrestling made me feel good, you know?
I was helping the school.
People looked up to me.
And that's gone now, and I've got nothing.
But it's not going to be like that anymore.
I'm going to find a way to make people proud of me again.
So what are you going to do?
I don't know.
I just want to be the good guy,
do good stuff...
for good.
Dewey, what can I do for you?
Mom! Shut up!
I'm trying to help you. (grunting)
Hi, sweetie.
Is it Francis?
Yeah.
He keeps calling.
His stupid stories are touching, in a way.
You know, he just wants to come home.
It's the first time he's been away on his birthday.
Well, maybe we can at least do something that night
to take our minds off it.
A guy at work won these concert tickets on the radio.
Jimmy Buffett?
He didn't want them. Can you imagine?
Hello.
Mom, great news. I figured out a way to get home Wednesday.
Francis...
No, it won't cost you a cent.
One of the cadet's fathers is a trucker.
He said I can ride in the refrigerator compartment
to the 609 interchange. And a buddy of his
flies a crop duster. Now, if he's sober,
he should be able to drop me off at the soybean field
near the train station...
Honey, Francis, come on.
There'll be other birthdays.
Ask him if he wants a T-shirt from the concert.
What concert?
Uh, your father
got us tickets to see Jimmy Buffett.
And this concert wouldn't happen
to be on Wednesday night, would it?
My birthday?
Uh, yes, it is, but that has nothing to do...
Oh, now I get it.
You can't afford to bring me home, but somehow
you find money for Jimmy Buffett tickets.
Francis, that's not the way it is at all.
They were free tickets. Sure they were.
A friend of your father's gave them to us.
He's not really a friend.
You know, you guys should really
get your stories straight before you try to ditch me on my...
(whispering): birthday.
Hey, Malcolm.
Want my cake? You're not hungry?
No. I ate my lunch and my decoy lunch.
Now that Reese isn't stealing it anymore, I get both.
And Reese hasn't made me eat grass for a week.
Everything tastes better.
Life... is good.
I've been taking ballet, and I don't care who knows it.
Good for you.
Two days ago, Reese would've creamed that kid.
Things are really changing.
It's like we've entered an age of enlightenment.
It's kind of nice.
Hey!
Hey.
What was that for?
That's for having a smart mouth
and making fun of me all the time.
Since Reese is out of the picture,
I don't have to take it anymore.
What are you talking about?
Now that your brother's a wuss,
I don't have to worry about him coming after me
when I teach you a lesson.
But we're friends.
Making cracks about me painting my face
and being stupid?
You say those things to friends?
Those things were funny.
Oh, yeah. Real funny.
I'll show you what's funny.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Pushy Pusherson.
What's wrong with him?
Remember me? Moby Rick?
That was so hilarious.
I never called you Moby Rick.
I called you Rick-Oppotamus.
Although...
Hey! Hey!
Just wait for a second.
So you guys really don't think I'm funny?
Well, you learn something new every day.
Evidently, I'm not as charming as I thought.
You know, you really make us feel bad
with your hurtful comments. Yeah.
You know I'm insecure about my taste in clothes,
yet you continue to make cutting remarks about my outfits.
Yeah!
You walk around acting all smart and funny,
but did you know I cry myself to sleep every night?
Ye... You do?
So the only reason those jerks have been putting up with me
is because they're afraid of my brother?
Actually, we're a bit tired of your act, too.
Those guys are nuts. I'm funny.
Aren't I funny?
To be honest, you can be a little caustic.
The word... is arrogant.
How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome?
Hey, she's cute.
Hey, Jeffrey.
Do you need help crossing the street?
Don't worry, I'm nice now.
Come on.
(shrieking): Jeffrey!
How many times have I told you
to stay out of that street?
Oh! You are in so much trouble,
young man! (Jeffrey sobbing)
Hello?
Yeah.
I'm here to read to you.
Okay.
I was so glad
when I heard you were coming.
Really? Great.
I just want to help.
They said the terminal patients
really get a lift from this kind of stuff.
I'm sorry, did... did you say "terminal"?
I'm in the wrong room.
And come to think of it, I'm in the wrong hospital.
Nurse!
CADET: Help! Help! Let me go!
CADET ERIC: Happy birthday, Murphy.
We've been looking for you for hours.
MURPHY: Oh, please! Hey!
Hey, my grandmother sent me a comforter!
Take my comforter!
You won't believe how soft it is! Ow!
MURPHY: Oh, for God's sake, be careful.
CADET ERIC: Oops.
MURPHY: Oh, my God!
I wish I could say this was
the stupidest thing I've ever done.
You know, on top of everything, they're going to make me
fix the window when I get back.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You have every right to be upset.
I can't believe your parents
are leaving you all alone on your birthday.
You poor thing.
Well, it isn't that bad.
Yes, it is.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You know, this is going to be my first birthday without a cake.
You know what?
You're not going to spend your birthday alone.
You're coming to my place,
and I'm going to make you a nice dinner.
No.
Why should you have to bother with me
just 'cause I'm injured and... all alone?
I'll even make you a cake. What kind do you...
German chocolate.
What's wrong?
Ugh, I don't know, Hal.
I guess this whole Francis thing is still bothering me.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't we do something extra nice for him?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to you?
What happened to me? I'll tell you what happened to me.
Since Reese got whipped by that girl,
he stopped being the school bully,
so now there's no one to protect me from people
who think I'm an unfunny little smart *,
which is evidently everyone.
Well, you can be a little sarcastic.
Thanks, Dad. I feel better.
Case in point.
Well, he can be.
I'll go talk to him.
Rough day, huh?
Yeah.
You know, when people are mad at you,
a simple apology can take you a long way.
Let me give you a hypothetical.
Let's just say, hypothetically,
I told a coworker that it looked like my boss
was highlighting his hair.
And let's say, hypothetically,
that the coworker then went to my boss
and told him what I said
and that, hypothetically speaking,
my boss then moved me to the tiny office
at the end of the hall, next to the copier.
And if I had just apologized, Malcolm,
you boys would all have your own bedrooms right now.
So you're saying you wish you had apologized?
Not to that pretty boy.
Look, this hypothetical
has nothing to do with your situation.
Just think about it.
Okay, I'll be over at 8:00.
Yeah, feels much better.
All right. Bye.
Heard you got a hot date.
Nah, just a nurse... with her own place.
No biggie.
You're a lucky man, Francis.
You got a way with the ladies,
you got parents who love you...
What are you talking about?
Hey, whose birthday is it?
According to the card, it's yours.
Wow.
My family finally sent me a present, eight months late.
Which is...
(chuckles) ironic
'cause my mom works at the post office.
Started back in '87.
Used to be a letter sorter.
Okay, how about right here?
Hey.
What do you want?
I just wanted to talk.
What?
I just want to say I'm sorry.
About what?
Remember the day it was raining
and you said, "Hey, it's raining,"
and I said, "Thanks, Einstein"?
Yeah. Why'd you say that?
My name's not Einstein.
I was referring to Albert Einstein.
He was this physicist who was a genius.
You think I'm a genius?
Oh, man, I've got, like, five good comebacks to that.
But that was the old me.
No, I was being sarcastic.
I was kind of saying that you're the opposite of a genius.
So... you were calling me stupid.
Yeah, and that's why I...
Hey, Malcolm, come here.
I finally figured it out.
I found the answer.
I know what I want to do with my life.
Are you still selling those video games?
Yeah. Five bucks.
What are you doing?
Selling my material possessions.
Why?! 'Cause Brother Billy told me to.
Brother Billy?!
You mean that nut who rides around in the school bus
handing out pamphlets?
It's called a manifesto.
And he is not a nut once you stop and listen to him.
He and his followers have this awesome compound in Oregon
where we're going to live off the land.
You're going off with this guy?!
Don't worry, it is totally safe.
They have guard dogs, watchtowers...
Do Mom and Dad know about this?
No, and you can't tell them.
Brother Billy says they have negative energy and bad karma.
You're talking about joining a cult.
Are you nuts?
Brother Billy doesn't talk to me like that.
He makes me feel good about myself.
It's called brainwashing, Reese.
My name isn't Reese anymore.
Then what is it?
I don't remember, but it isn't Reese.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have manifestos to distribute.
Reese, you've got to help us.
What?
Your absence as a bully has created a power vacuum.
Now the school is filled with rogue thugs
carving out random spheres of influence.
I've been hit up for my lunch money twice today.
I've been hit up three times,
and when I didn't have anything,
they took my shirt!
But what am I supposed to do about it?
We need you back.
What do you mean? I was a jerk.
Yes, but you were the alpha jerk.
Reese, without you,
it's anarchy!
Look around you.
Give me those.
Don't you see?
The whole school needs you back
administering your unique form
of evenhanded brutality.
You're saying my being a bully's a good thing?
Yes! You're our only hope.
STEVIE: Stop it!
I'm...
immune.
I'm... immune!
Hey! Stevie's off limits!
He used to be.
Get out of my way.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
Thanks... Reese?
Starting tomorrow, you're back doing my book reports.
Sure.
(chanting): Reese! Reese! Reese! Reese!
Let go of me!
Oh, okay, I'm going, I'm going.
Order... is restored.
You have the tickets?
Mm-hmm.
Do you think Francis liked his cookie basket?
Oh, I bet he was thrilled.
It was a thoughtful idea, hon.
I just hope his friends gave him a party.
I'm sure they did.
They seem like nice boys.
So, how's that reflection pond, Francis?
Cold.
And when's your date?
In 20 minutes.