WEBVTT

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In the time
when fire rained down from heaven

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and dust storms swept in from the east,

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a hero arose with a dope-* name:

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Wesley Fists.

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Born in the hamlet of Compton,
Wesley's father was a dentist.

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His mother played Scratchers
and smoked Newports.

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From the time he could throw a punch,

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Fists trained
in the dojo of kung fu cinema.

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His favorites were Shogun Assassin,

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The Five Deadly Venoms,

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and of course, Enter the Dragon.

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But after hearing Enter the Wu-Tang,

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young Fists imagined me
narrating his life,

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The RZA, AKA The RZArector

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AKA RZA RZA Razor Sharp,

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AKA The Abbot with the Golden Tablet,

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AKA Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah,

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AKA The Divine Prince Master Rakeem,

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AKA Bobby Digital,
AKA Bobby Boulders,

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AKA Bobby Steels,
AKA Daddy Diggs,

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AKA The Fatal Flying Guillotine Karrier.

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He knew I understood
what a warrior's soul was

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and I could say shit like "saga"

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and "bring the * ruckus"
without sounding like a sucka.

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At the age 15, Fists's parents took
the arduous trek up the deadly 110 freeway

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to live in the village of Glendale.

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Fists thrived in his new environment.

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A defensive back of the first string,

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11 sacks, ten interceptions,
five pick sixes.

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Shit, this kid was almost invincible.

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In the apocalypse,
our hero has taken on a mantle of rōnin,

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a wandering soul seeking redemption
for a heinous crime.

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A haunting tragedy yet to be revealed.

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To wit, Wesley gained new compatriots

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with less dope names
like Josh and Angelica.

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Friends whom Wesley
might call family, but...

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his heart belongs to another...

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DAYBREAK

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HOMECOMING REDUX

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So which are you gonna choose?

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Choose?

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Songs!

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For the homecoming dance playlist?

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This is no mere playlist.

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This is no mere
homecoming dance do-over.

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We rescued these kids from Baron Triumph.

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This is a Saturnalia
to the wonder of life,

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drinking from the water fountain of youth.

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Tonight, we stare the Grim Reaper
in the face, and we say,

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"If you like it,
then you should've put a ring on it."

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This is the soundtrack of our lives!

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Uh... Is this you? Uh, KJ?

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What does that stand for?

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Keung Jung?

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Uh, Kim Jong?

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Okay, look, we can't just let anyone in.

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Someone's got to make sure
you 'fugees are copacetic.

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You remember ICE?

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Well, I'm the new ICE.

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Okay, I need you to sign
this oath of allegiance.

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Basically, you got to do
what I say at all times.

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And you can't make fun of me
behind my back

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like Dana Rappaport did
when I sharted in the third grade.

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Oh, and also,
it automatically casts a vote for me

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as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.

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This counts as a vote!

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Eyes on your own work!

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This isn't a test.

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It's art therapy.

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My psychiatrist had me do this to examine
subconscious emotions in my drawing.

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I painted an untamed unicorn baby gouging
her mommy unicorn in the uterus.

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But it didn't mean anything.

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Why are you using spiders?

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The black widow represents death,

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and the brown widow represents death.

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They duel because all of life is death.

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And brown is the new black.

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Turn it down! Turn the music down!

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Turn it down! The music, turn it down!

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The Ghoulie part of the Witch
is super sensitive to loud noise.

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Shit! I was only playing this on chill.

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I barely got to thumping.
What happens when I get to cranking?

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If you pump up the volume tonight,

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we'll be doing The Electric Slide
with a horde of Ghoulies.

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Hard to make the soundtrack of our lives
with no soundtrack.

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Maybe this is a bad idea,

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recreating what we we'll
never really have again.

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You're missing Sam pretty hard.

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We were gonna go to the dance together.

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She was gonna be Homecoming Queen.

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I know what you need.

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Maybe you should try *.

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- Homecoming, y'all!
- Whoo!

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- Compton on notice!
- Whoo!

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- We goin' to state!
- Whoo!

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- We dominate!
- Whoo!

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- Turbo be like...
- Whoo!

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- Hornets be like...
- Whoo!

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- Seize the crown like...
- Whoo!

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Seize the crown!

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- We got your back!
- Who got my back?

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- We got your back!
- Who got my back?

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- We got your back!
- Who got my back?

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- We got your back!
- Who got my back?

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'Sup, Wes?

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'Sup, Emmett?

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Emmett was Wesley's third cousin
on his mama's side and his best friend.

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Gentlemen, welcome
to Glendale High School,

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but we have a strict no visitor policy.

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Yeah? Why is that?

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Your little posh crew gonna
get all jumpy around us niggas?

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No. What? What?

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No. No, we're all woke here.

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Uh, wide awoke.

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No, it's an administrative measure
for safety

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and has nothing to do
with any form of institutionalized racism.

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But I am gonna have to ask your coach
to escort you off campus

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in a totally non-racist way.

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Stretching our legs,
sussing out the competition.

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Blood's gonna flow
like a chocolate fountain

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at a bar mitzvah, cousin.

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You don't get to call me
cousin no more, traitor.

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I transferred schools, Emmett.

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- It's not on me my pops moved.
- Yeah, it's on you.

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Bowing down
to these privileged white folks.

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- Why don't you step the * back.
- Hey, chill.

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Chill, Turbo. Chill!

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Chill. It's all good.

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He's just trying to get me riled up.

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But when you know your enemy
better than you know yourself,

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- the outcome has already been decided.
- You ain't no samurai, you dumb blerd.

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It was fun playing when we was kids,
but that was a game.

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Why you trying to be
something you ain't?

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Man, you would've never said
that shit to Wu-Tang.

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Or Kendrick
when he's trying to be Kung Fu Kenny,

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or Nicki Minaj
when she's trying to play Chun-Li.

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*, I'm on the tip!

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Yeah, like vanilla iced matcha latte.

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You frontin' Asian? You frontin' white?

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Bet you eat
that nasty-* qui-noa shit too, huh?

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"Quinoa..."

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is * delicious.

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Spoken like a true white boy.

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There's only two things I really miss

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about the way things were.

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Reading a Nicholas Sparks novel
cover to cover the day it comes out

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and live-tweeting The Bachelor.

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You eat people's hearts.

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Doesn't mean I don't have one.

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Why are you keeping me alive?

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We're not killers.

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I don't like being locked up,

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but watching you
and Turbo has got me hooked.

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The romance, betrayal, secrets.

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What's gonna happen next?

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I don't think you and I
engaging in discourse is advisable.

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Oh?

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Well, who encouraged you
to take AP English

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so you could boost up your GPA?

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You did.

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Who gave you his FilmStruck password
so you could watch those Kurosawa films?

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- You did.
- And who comforted you

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when Jessie Felk broke your heart?

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Omar from The Wire.

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Yeah, but who told you to watch The Wire?

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- You told me to watch season two.
- Season two is amazing.

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Only white dudes like season two!

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You could surgically remove
season two, and no one would miss it.

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Don't you miss this, Wesley?

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Talking around
the proverbial water cooler.

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You're eyeing me like a steak.

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Nah, that's just sympathy.

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I know what you're going through.

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You're being pulled
between two friends, again.

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I remember.

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I know what your cousin said to you
at the pep rally.

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"He said," Ease up, cuz.

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Take it easy on me out there.

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I need this win. You don't.

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"You can let me win."

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He even said... Please.

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Selfish brat wanted you to throw the game
so that he could win.

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You don't know shit about my cousin.

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I know about playing ninja
at Rancho Cienega Rec.

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I know he was just gutted

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when you left Compton.

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How do you know that?

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Because...

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I ate Emmett, you blerd.

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You deserve your cage.

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You're gonna hurt everyone you love.

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And I'll be here...
binging every episode.

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Looks like someone is spying on you.

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Dun, dun, dun!

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DUN, DUN, DUN

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You got to be kidding me.

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Whoa, that's my board.

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Right,
you don't speak any English. Okay.

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No.

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That...

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is mine.

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Angelica.

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Thanks.

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Angelica?

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I know what you're doing,
and you have to stop.

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I look so pretty in my dress!

00:10:53.824 --> 00:10:54.825
Why is she yelling?

00:10:54.909 --> 00:10:56.410
I put plugs in her ears.

00:10:56.827 --> 00:10:58.162
I have plugs in my ears!

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So she won't be bothered
by the music at the dance.

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No, I have plugs in my ears.

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I'm trying to fix the sound thing.

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Yeah, by hanging blankets on the wall
like this is a freshmen dorm!

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You didn't even go
to our school, Angelica.

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- Why do you care so much about this dance?
- Everyone likes to dance!

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Music stimulates
the orbital frontal cortex,

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and dance activates the cerebellum.

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Every culture, around the world,

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throughout time,

00:11:22.144 --> 00:11:23.396
they all shake their booty.

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That includes me, the Witch,

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Wesley, KJ, you...
Oh, no, no. KJ and I...

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never gonna happen.

00:11:34.699 --> 00:11:36.742
But you guys have so much in common!

00:11:36.826 --> 00:11:38.452
You both skate, and you...

00:11:41.455 --> 00:11:42.790
skate.

00:11:44.625 --> 00:11:47.795
I know you miss Sam,
but she's dead.

00:11:48.337 --> 00:11:51.298
Your little meet-cutes are meet-stupids.

00:11:51.340 --> 00:11:52.425
And they have to stop.

00:11:53.884 --> 00:11:55.386
There are five stages of grief:

00:11:56.137 --> 00:11:59.140
denial, anger, depression,

00:11:59.223 --> 00:12:01.559
rebound *, Korean spa.

00:12:05.312 --> 00:12:07.857
The spider venom has mutated.

00:12:07.982 --> 00:12:10.234
It's super toxic. Death on contact.

00:12:10.317 --> 00:12:11.902
Ms. Crumble's crown is lethal.

00:12:11.986 --> 00:12:13.988
- Don't touch.
- Yes, yes!

00:12:14.071 --> 00:12:16.240
- I do like horchata!
- Oh, no!

00:12:16.323 --> 00:12:18.492
Yes, it's cinnamon-y goodness!

00:12:18.534 --> 00:12:20.661
- Ow!
- Just stop.

00:12:20.703 --> 00:12:23.706
It says you do as I say,
and it automatically casts a vote for me

00:12:23.831 --> 00:12:25.416
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.

00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:27.501
Just sign here, Other Gay Josh.

00:12:28.210 --> 00:12:30.212
Uh, Gay Josh is dead,

00:12:30.838 --> 00:12:33.299
so I think I should just be Gay Josh now.

00:12:33.841 --> 00:12:35.843
You can't appropriate someone's identity!

00:12:36.343 --> 00:12:37.928
Show some damned respect!

00:12:46.520 --> 00:12:48.189
Now we can talk privately.

00:12:48.773 --> 00:12:49.857
How much did you see?

00:12:52.568 --> 00:12:54.904
Enough to start
a new streaming * service.

00:12:55.029 --> 00:12:55.821
That was sick.

00:12:55.905 --> 00:12:58.616
Don't be one of those homophobic,
small-minded, backsliding,

00:12:58.699 --> 00:13:01.786
pearl-clutching, rainbow hating,
no-keg-selling Westboro book burners!

00:13:01.869 --> 00:13:04.538
I don't care if you dig bagpiping,

00:13:04.622 --> 00:13:06.540
but you're bagpiping Turbo, bro!

00:13:06.624 --> 00:13:08.709
But you knew that!

00:13:08.751 --> 00:13:10.586
You've been blackmailing me for weeks!

00:13:10.711 --> 00:13:12.880
Here's the trill, I lied!

00:13:12.963 --> 00:13:14.715
Okay, it's one of my moves.

00:13:14.757 --> 00:13:18.302
I narrow my eyes all seriously and say,
"I know your secret, Fists."

00:13:18.385 --> 00:13:20.012
You're the dump truck who took the bait!

00:13:20.054 --> 00:13:21.055
Pretty sneaky, sis.

00:13:22.097 --> 00:13:24.558
My IQ level is Gucci.

00:13:24.642 --> 00:13:25.643
Now, turn off that music

00:13:25.726 --> 00:13:27.895
before your milkshake brings
all the ghouls to the yard.

00:13:34.985 --> 00:13:37.029
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey!

00:13:40.741 --> 00:13:42.159
Yo... Hey!

00:13:43.160 --> 00:13:44.161
Hey!

00:13:44.411 --> 00:13:45.454
You're a pacifist!

00:13:45.579 --> 00:13:47.081
You're not gonna let me die out here!

00:13:47.164 --> 00:13:48.749
You can't blackmail me if you're brunch!

00:13:48.833 --> 00:13:50.668
I'm not letting youcontrol my destiny.

00:13:50.751 --> 00:13:52.127
I'm telling Josh everything.

00:13:53.003 --> 00:13:54.588
What do you think Josh is gonna say

00:13:54.672 --> 00:13:57.758
when he finds out his best friend
is a full-on Benedict Cumberbatch?

00:13:57.800 --> 00:13:59.426
You mean Benedict Arnold?

00:14:00.261 --> 00:14:03.097
I mean I'm gonna be
eggs benedict lobster hollandaise

00:14:03.180 --> 00:14:04.431
if you don't open this * door!

00:14:04.473 --> 00:14:07.101
You had your reach-around with the devil.
Now you got to kill Josh.

00:14:07.142 --> 00:14:08.269
I can't!

00:14:08.811 --> 00:14:11.355
If you don't kill Josh,
you're gonna kill the rest of us!

00:14:11.689 --> 00:14:13.482
A wise man once said,

00:14:13.607 --> 00:14:16.318
"The needs of many outweigh
the needs of one dead Canadian."

00:14:16.443 --> 00:14:17.862
You're quoting Star Trek.

00:14:18.863 --> 00:14:20.364
Spock is a space samurai!

00:14:21.282 --> 00:14:22.449
Hey, hey! Wes!

00:14:22.533 --> 00:14:23.534
Where are you going?

00:14:25.703 --> 00:14:26.704
Wes!

00:14:42.011 --> 00:14:45.306
Just as these monsters tore apart
this sweet * ghetto blaster,

00:14:45.389 --> 00:14:47.808
so too was Wesley's soul torn asunder,

00:14:48.309 --> 00:14:50.811
in the present, and in the past.

00:14:52.479 --> 00:14:53.772
Hadouken!

00:14:58.360 --> 00:14:59.653
You win!

00:15:01.322 --> 00:15:02.489
You never lose as Ryu.

00:15:02.990 --> 00:15:04.575
Compton must have you rattled.

00:15:04.658 --> 00:15:06.744
The buttons are sticking is all, okay?

00:15:06.827 --> 00:15:08.537
This game gets us into state.

00:15:08.996 --> 00:15:10.581
College scouts are coming.

00:15:11.749 --> 00:15:13.042
Also, you know Coach is dying?

00:15:13.584 --> 00:15:16.169
- I thought Coach was retiring.
- He's retiring because he's dying.

00:15:16.170 --> 00:15:17.922
This is on your shoulders, QB.

00:15:18.005 --> 00:15:20.090
But you could be on the QT.

00:15:22.885 --> 00:15:24.845
Round Two, fight!

00:15:26.513 --> 00:15:28.098
Hey, what's Guile's secret move?

00:15:28.182 --> 00:15:30.184
Front, back, kick, kick, kick.

00:15:30.267 --> 00:15:31.518
What's your secret move?

00:15:33.228 --> 00:15:34.271
You are.

00:15:36.023 --> 00:15:37.316
I'm just a defensive back.

00:15:37.858 --> 00:15:40.027
Ten interceptions, three pick sixes.

00:15:40.569 --> 00:15:43.072
- You know my line?
- I know all your lines.

00:15:44.281 --> 00:15:46.367
I don't have your knowledge
of kung fu movies,

00:15:46.450 --> 00:15:47.743
but I know Karate Kid.

00:15:48.953 --> 00:15:50.996
Tonight, you have to sweep the leg.

00:15:51.080 --> 00:15:53.624
You take out their top receiver, we win.

00:15:53.707 --> 00:15:55.084
You know Daniel still beats Johnny

00:15:55.125 --> 00:15:56.877
and gets
the All Valley Karate Championship trophy.

00:15:56.919 --> 00:15:58.879
Johnny didn't have
the bro globes to finish him.

00:15:58.921 --> 00:16:00.881
Daniel sent a crane kick.

00:16:00.965 --> 00:16:02.549
"If do right, no can defense."

00:16:02.591 --> 00:16:05.594
Yes, can defense. Easy can defense.
You just take a step back.

00:16:07.638 --> 00:16:09.723
He did kind of walk right into it.

00:16:09.807 --> 00:16:13.018
Yeah. Johnny just felt all sorry
for all the shit he did to Daniel.

00:16:13.102 --> 00:16:15.229
Daniel didn't win. Johnny had a limp *.

00:16:18.482 --> 00:16:20.609
- Yeah!
- See, that's what I'm talking about!

00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:27.324
Emmett is my family.

00:16:27.408 --> 00:16:29.785
Your family calls you a *
in front of the whole school.

00:16:29.910 --> 00:16:33.288
Maybe he's right! Maybe I am fronting
so I can fit in around here.

00:16:33.414 --> 00:16:35.416
Acting all ninja so y'all would dig me
or some shit.

00:16:35.749 --> 00:16:38.502
You are something too cool
for him to even fathom.

00:16:40.838 --> 00:16:41.880
Don't play me.

00:16:44.591 --> 00:16:45.592
I like you.

00:16:48.095 --> 00:16:49.471
I play a lot of games.

00:16:51.140 --> 00:16:52.975
But want to know
how I know you're for real?

00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:00.566
The hell is going on with you?

00:17:00.899 --> 00:17:03.193
Stepping out?
Leaving the school all by yourself?

00:17:04.153 --> 00:17:05.487
You're being sloppy.

00:17:06.238 --> 00:17:07.823
People are gonna ask questions.

00:17:09.992 --> 00:17:11.035
Hey!

00:17:14.204 --> 00:17:16.623
You chose me to be your right hand
'cause I'm not weak sauce.

00:17:16.999 --> 00:17:18.125
And I'm no idiot.

00:17:18.208 --> 00:17:20.919
I know where you've been,
and I know who you've been with.

00:17:21.754 --> 00:17:23.255
You're hooking up with Wesley.

00:17:23.672 --> 00:17:26.383
He invited us to come to a dance.

00:17:39.229 --> 00:17:40.230
I get it.

00:17:40.856 --> 00:17:42.107
You * love the guy,

00:17:42.858 --> 00:17:44.109
and he * loves you.

00:17:45.110 --> 00:17:47.446
And you're both so * lucky.

00:17:48.405 --> 00:17:51.909
Shit, I'd kill for someone to look at me
the way Wesley looks at you.

00:17:53.368 --> 00:17:54.328
It's...

00:17:55.037 --> 00:17:56.371
It's really beautiful.

00:18:04.046 --> 00:18:05.756
But there's no time for love.

00:18:06.131 --> 00:18:07.299
You go to that mall,

00:18:07.382 --> 00:18:08.759
do the Cabbage Patch with Wesley,

00:18:08.884 --> 00:18:10.719
and make peace with those mall rats?

00:18:11.095 --> 00:18:13.764
It'll show everyone you've gone soft,

00:18:13.889 --> 00:18:15.641
ripe for a Groupon-d'état.

00:18:16.809 --> 00:18:19.978
Everyone will try to overthrow
your * at once.

00:18:21.230 --> 00:18:22.189
Or...

00:18:23.148 --> 00:18:24.900
we can have our own homecoming dance.

00:18:25.943 --> 00:18:27.611
Show them all how it gets done.

00:18:30.280 --> 00:18:33.033
What? Everyone likes to dance.

00:19:56.867 --> 00:19:58.827
You can't kill Josh. It has to be me.

00:19:58.911 --> 00:20:01.163
- That's how Turbo wants it.
- How do you know that?

00:20:12.299 --> 00:20:13.675
So what are we gonna do?

00:20:16.303 --> 00:20:18.055
I got to put my thinking cap on.

00:20:21.391 --> 00:20:22.935
I used to be a king,

00:20:24.061 --> 00:20:26.021
a fair, noble ruler.

00:20:27.397 --> 00:20:28.565
Just me and Mavis.

00:20:29.233 --> 00:20:31.818
Our threads were dope,
and I got to sink the pink

00:20:31.902 --> 00:20:33.237
three times a day.

00:20:33.904 --> 00:20:35.072
That's true love.

00:20:36.573 --> 00:20:37.950
And then Josh happened.

00:20:38.075 --> 00:20:40.577
He busts in my mall, he camps in my mall,

00:20:40.661 --> 00:20:42.204
brought all these kids into my mall.

00:20:42.287 --> 00:20:46.416
And now they're gonna vote for Josh
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty?

00:20:47.125 --> 00:20:49.670
Face it. I mean, dude deserves to die.

00:20:50.462 --> 00:20:53.006
I don't want to kill Josh, but...

00:20:59.930 --> 00:21:00.889
if I did,

00:21:02.266 --> 00:21:06.144
it'd have to be quick,
and painless, and untraceable.

00:21:08.188 --> 00:21:09.106
A perfect murder.

00:21:09.189 --> 00:21:10.190
Mm...

00:21:11.149 --> 00:21:12.401
We get a mutant pug.

00:21:12.818 --> 00:21:14.111
A falling air conditioner.

00:21:14.194 --> 00:21:15.195
We get a hippo.

00:21:15.779 --> 00:21:17.114
A hive of angry bees.

00:21:17.197 --> 00:21:18.740
We get a shark.

00:21:18.782 --> 00:21:19.992
Ricin cigarette.

00:21:20.117 --> 00:21:21.285
Banana peel.

00:21:21.326 --> 00:21:22.452
Parking meter?

00:21:22.494 --> 00:21:24.162
An angry Roomba.

00:21:24.288 --> 00:21:25.747
Reprogram the escalator.

00:21:26.331 --> 00:21:28.375
Truck with lots of rebar in it.

00:21:28.458 --> 00:21:29.710
A whole bunch of marbles.

00:21:29.793 --> 00:21:31.628
Oh, an exploding xylophone.

00:21:31.712 --> 00:21:32.838
Texting while driving.

00:21:32.963 --> 00:21:34.047
Ricin cigarette.

00:21:34.631 --> 00:21:35.632
I said that.

00:21:36.174 --> 00:21:37.175
Oh.

00:21:37.884 --> 00:21:40.053
Um, extra-long bungee cord.

00:21:42.055 --> 00:21:43.223
Hot dog eating contest.

00:21:43.307 --> 00:21:45.142
Oh, a parkour contest.

00:21:45.225 --> 00:21:46.643
Freddy Krueger cosplay.

00:21:46.685 --> 00:21:48.061
- Pray to Thor.
- Kale.

00:21:48.145 --> 00:21:50.605
Waterboarding by Ghoulie jizz.

00:21:51.815 --> 00:21:52.774
The *?

00:21:58.488 --> 00:22:01.283
Shit, I don't want to do this.

00:22:02.492 --> 00:22:03.452
But damn...

00:22:05.996 --> 00:22:07.205
I know what I have to do.

00:22:22.512 --> 00:22:23.680
Um...

00:22:35.942 --> 00:22:37.903
Um... Uh...

00:22:38.445 --> 00:22:39.446
I...

00:22:40.697 --> 00:22:42.240
I just want to ask you something.

00:22:43.700 --> 00:22:44.701
Yes!

00:22:47.788 --> 00:22:48.830
THE POISON CROWN

00:22:48.872 --> 00:22:51.124
While everyone in the mall
got ready for the dance,

00:22:51.208 --> 00:22:54.252
Wesley Fists got ready
to assassinate Josh Wheeler.

00:22:55.629 --> 00:22:59.049
Wesley's favorite kung-fu movie
was a classic piece of cinema:

00:22:59.132 --> 00:23:01.051
The Man with the Poison Crown.

00:23:01.760 --> 00:23:05.097
In the film, a dethroned prince
enters a tournament of death

00:23:05.222 --> 00:23:07.682
to regain his empire
with his favorite weapon,

00:23:07.766 --> 00:23:10.560
the aforementioned toxic tiara.

00:23:13.814 --> 00:23:15.816
Fists's plan was bold and decisive.

00:23:16.316 --> 00:23:18.902
After saving the kids from Baron Triumph,

00:23:18.985 --> 00:23:21.947
Josh was certain to win
the gender-neutral homecoming title.

00:23:23.073 --> 00:23:26.493
Mutant spider venom kills on contact.

00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:28.787
When Josh puts the crown on...

00:23:29.746 --> 00:23:32.082
instant death, a tragic accident.

00:23:32.457 --> 00:23:34.793
The weapon is set, the deed is done.

00:23:35.419 --> 00:23:37.754
No regrets, no turning back.

00:24:00.652 --> 00:24:02.028
We're not much of a team, Barry.

00:24:02.154 --> 00:24:03.572
Oh, don't get glum, Gary.

00:24:03.655 --> 00:24:05.657
There's plenty of two-person teams.

00:24:06.491 --> 00:24:07.701
Beach volleyball,

00:24:08.368 --> 00:24:09.453
doubles tennis,

00:24:10.162 --> 00:24:11.121
jai alai,

00:24:12.205 --> 00:24:13.039
bobsledding...

00:24:13.165 --> 00:24:14.499
Bobsledding doesn't have a ball.

00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:17.419
Well maybe we recruit some new members.

00:24:17.502 --> 00:24:19.838
No one's enlisting.
We got a target on our back.

00:24:19.921 --> 00:24:22.215
Nah, it's on our * face.

00:24:23.008 --> 00:24:25.218
They're taking odds on
which one of us is gonna die next.

00:24:25.260 --> 00:24:28.013
Okay, look.
These jocks are swole on steroids.

00:24:28.096 --> 00:24:30.015
Golf is a thinking bro's game.

00:24:30.515 --> 00:24:31.516
We don't act rash,

00:24:31.558 --> 00:24:33.727
but we methodically plot
our path to the hole.

00:24:34.603 --> 00:24:36.354
They don't call us masters for nothing.

00:24:36.396 --> 00:24:38.607
Yeah. Green is my favorite color.

00:24:38.690 --> 00:24:40.609
We only need two members to be a team.

00:24:40.692 --> 00:24:42.444
I got your back, you got mine.

00:24:42.527 --> 00:24:44.196
I got your back, you got mine.

00:25:03.757 --> 00:25:05.634
Voting is closed, friends.

00:25:05.717 --> 00:25:10.222
Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty will be
officially announced in five minutes.

00:25:15.060 --> 00:25:17.270
If you think this tale has a happy end,

00:25:17.395 --> 00:25:20.774
if you hope the rōnin will see
the error of his ways and save the day...

00:25:21.233 --> 00:25:23.902
well, then you haven't
been paying attention at all.

00:25:24.569 --> 00:25:28.448
THE BIG GAME

00:25:34.746 --> 00:25:36.748
You look like a homecoming queen!

00:25:37.749 --> 00:25:39.292
You and Turbo make a cute couple.

00:25:39.793 --> 00:25:42.128
Uh, you and Turbo make a cute couple.

00:25:44.422 --> 00:25:45.423
How did you know?

00:25:46.925 --> 00:25:48.009
I see how you look at him.

00:25:48.093 --> 00:25:49.135
He's DTF.

00:25:50.345 --> 00:25:52.305
But IDK. It's TBD.

00:25:55.016 --> 00:25:56.268
You should be Homecoming King.

00:25:56.601 --> 00:25:58.436
I'm more the guy behind the guy.

00:26:00.188 --> 00:26:01.273
Not a gay thing.

00:26:02.023 --> 00:26:03.024
Just...

00:26:03.858 --> 00:26:04.859
truth.

00:26:06.861 --> 00:26:08.363
Well, I voted for you.

00:26:09.489 --> 00:26:11.700
Everybody voted for Turbo.

00:26:13.118 --> 00:26:14.494
You're a football player,

00:26:14.619 --> 00:26:17.664
a film geek, the only gay samurai
to pull off tie dye pants,

00:26:17.789 --> 00:26:19.499
and you always have the sickest weed.

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:22.043
Sense and Sensimilla is good.

00:26:22.544 --> 00:26:24.754
I personally like
Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Pipe.

00:26:24.796 --> 00:26:27.132
When I grow up,
I want to make my own strain.

00:26:27.966 --> 00:26:28.925
420 Rōnin.

00:26:33.888 --> 00:26:36.975
We're supposed to be spending this time
finding out who we really are.

00:26:37.726 --> 00:26:41.062
And you, my friend, are the only one
who's brave enough to try.

00:26:41.813 --> 00:26:43.064
That is why you're royalty.

00:26:43.148 --> 00:26:44.357
I'm just trying to survive.

00:26:45.400 --> 00:26:46.443
I got friends,

00:26:47.027 --> 00:26:48.987
my team, Turbo,

00:26:50.155 --> 00:26:51.740
family, Emmett.

00:26:53.575 --> 00:26:54.618
And still...

00:26:56.494 --> 00:26:58.330
I feel so alone.

00:27:03.251 --> 00:27:04.669
I have over...

00:27:05.337 --> 00:27:08.506
a million followers
since Josh posted that video.

00:27:08.548 --> 00:27:11.051
But finding
that one person who really gets...

00:27:17.557 --> 00:27:19.893
There are so many conditions
on unconditional love.

00:27:20.018 --> 00:27:21.186
I have to choose...

00:27:21.936 --> 00:27:22.937
between Emmett...

00:27:23.772 --> 00:27:24.773
and Turbo.

00:27:26.858 --> 00:27:29.486
Whoever I choose...
I lose the other.

00:27:31.863 --> 00:27:32.864
Probably forever.

00:27:33.239 --> 00:27:34.699
You're a regular Yojimbo.

00:27:36.201 --> 00:27:37.535
You should do what I did.

00:27:39.746 --> 00:27:41.081
Choose Wesley.

00:27:50.423 --> 00:27:51.966
Set, hike!

00:27:57.597 --> 00:28:00.058
Fourth quarter, two minutes on the clock.

00:28:00.183 --> 00:28:03.937
Glendale's up by five,
Compton has the ball on their 20.

00:28:04.020 --> 00:28:05.397
If Compton makes this drive,

00:28:05.522 --> 00:28:07.524
they could win the whole bangalanga.

00:28:07.607 --> 00:28:10.735
Now Wesley's cousin wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.

00:28:11.277 --> 00:28:14.698
Wesley's boyfriend wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.

00:28:16.950 --> 00:28:19.077
How do you win a no-win situation?

00:28:29.587 --> 00:28:32.006
Instead of choosing Emmett or Turbo,

00:28:32.424 --> 00:28:34.718
Wesley followed Sam Dean's advice.

00:28:35.260 --> 00:28:36.678
He chose himself.

00:28:37.679 --> 00:28:39.723
He shoved one player into another.

00:28:39.806 --> 00:28:42.767
It only takes a minimal amount
of friction to start a fire.

00:28:43.518 --> 00:28:45.729
That fire can light a fuse,

00:28:45.812 --> 00:28:47.355
and when it burns down...

00:28:47.439 --> 00:28:50.108
Boom! There goes the dynamite.

00:28:50.150 --> 00:28:52.652
Tempers flared so hot
that chilly autumn eve

00:28:52.777 --> 00:28:55.697
that the ground temperature rose
about 11 degrees,

00:28:55.780 --> 00:28:58.241
and Wesley Fists evaded
the impossible choice

00:28:58.366 --> 00:29:01.202
by eliminating the unanswerable question.

00:29:01.786 --> 00:29:05.999
And by doing so,
he truly became a samurai.

00:29:06.708 --> 00:29:09.210
Nah, that ain't
what the * happened.

00:29:09.294 --> 00:29:11.546
That's just a lie
that Wesley tells himself.

00:29:11.629 --> 00:29:13.798
- What actually happened is this.
- Hike!

00:29:47.749 --> 00:29:49.292
Yo, you can't run away from me.

00:29:49.417 --> 00:29:50.585
I'm in your head, kid.

00:29:51.085 --> 00:29:54.297
And I'm so sick
of your slash fiction bullshit.

00:29:54.422 --> 00:29:55.882
You have to say what I think!

00:29:56.424 --> 00:29:57.550
You're my narrator!

00:29:57.634 --> 00:30:00.637
Son, I'm the sharpest *
in the whole damn Clan.

00:30:00.762 --> 00:30:03.264
You know I speak the truth.
You picked the RZA, right?

00:30:03.348 --> 00:30:04.182
That's on you.

00:30:04.265 --> 00:30:06.267
Now, I'm gonna tell you how it is.

00:30:06.434 --> 00:30:09.687
Easy! I'm the one dealing
with the end of the world up in here.

00:30:09.771 --> 00:30:13.149
You're so damned twisted, man,
you don't even know what is true or false.

00:30:13.274 --> 00:30:16.569
There was never even a movie called
The Man With the Poisoned Crown, yo!

00:30:16.653 --> 00:30:18.822
Yeah-huh! I saw it on Channel Five.

00:30:18.947 --> 00:30:22.575
You're mixing up Shogun Assassin
with Master of the Flying Guillotine,

00:30:22.659 --> 00:30:23.827
which is offensive, right?

00:30:23.952 --> 00:30:26.454
Because kung fu and samurai
are different cultures.

00:30:26.538 --> 00:30:27.539
Shit!

00:30:27.622 --> 00:30:28.915
Children make shit up, man,

00:30:28.957 --> 00:30:30.959
so they can be heroes of their story.

00:30:31.042 --> 00:30:32.335
Emmett was right!

00:30:33.127 --> 00:30:35.046
I am a fake! I'm no samurai!

00:30:35.630 --> 00:30:37.006
I'm camp as *!

00:30:37.131 --> 00:30:39.467
It's not your fault
you want to be a samurai.

00:30:39.509 --> 00:30:42.887
See, that's the economical pressure
being expressed as warrior code.

00:30:42.971 --> 00:30:45.807
It started when young black men
couldn't afford to go to the movies

00:30:45.890 --> 00:30:47.475
so we watched kung fu reruns.

00:30:47.976 --> 00:30:50.228
We found beauty in things
that had been neglected.

00:30:50.311 --> 00:30:52.730
We saw the lotus flower
growing out of the mud.

00:30:52.814 --> 00:30:56.109
It spun out to everything, man,
from Jim Kelly to The Last Dragon

00:30:56.192 --> 00:30:57.527
to Sho'nuff Shogun.

00:30:57.652 --> 00:30:58.903
This shit gonna be on the test?

00:30:59.362 --> 00:31:00.738
Are you gonna help me out here?

00:31:01.489 --> 00:31:03.449
Man, look at yourself.

00:31:04.158 --> 00:31:05.410
Look at yourself!

00:31:15.211 --> 00:31:16.421
You didn't choose you.

00:31:17.380 --> 00:31:18.506
You chose Turbo.

00:31:19.340 --> 00:31:20.884
And you can't even admit it.

00:31:21.009 --> 00:31:22.510
You can't help who you love.

00:31:23.052 --> 00:31:24.721
And you're never gonna
find that redemption

00:31:24.846 --> 00:31:26.681
if you keep making the same damn mistake.

00:31:33.938 --> 00:31:37.984
After the bomb, Turbo was the only one
who had a game plan to survive.

00:31:38.067 --> 00:31:41.195
I followed him because I loved him,
and he loved me.

00:31:42.614 --> 00:31:43.615
Maybe too much.

00:31:58.963 --> 00:32:01.257
One day, I was talking to Curtis Bedford.

00:32:01.841 --> 00:32:05.053
The next day, Turbo impaled him on spikes.

00:32:05.136 --> 00:32:07.305
Turbo killed Tom Harthen
on American Ninja Idol

00:32:07.430 --> 00:32:09.015
because he said he liked my shoes.

00:32:09.098 --> 00:32:13.561
And more:
Barbra, Grisby, Medici, Gray,

00:32:13.645 --> 00:32:16.439
all those kids died
because they were being nice to me.

00:32:16.856 --> 00:32:19.984
Why does Hollywood
keep making movies from comic books?

00:32:39.545 --> 00:32:40.964
That's why I'm a rōnin.

00:32:41.047 --> 00:32:42.507
That's why I need redemption.

00:32:43.132 --> 00:32:43.967
You're going to die

00:32:44.050 --> 00:32:47.011
because my ex-boyfriend can't stand
that you and I are friends.

00:32:51.933 --> 00:32:54.894
Mop Sam Dean...
I love you, Mop Sam!

00:32:55.561 --> 00:32:57.063
And Wesley Fists!

00:32:58.982 --> 00:33:00.984
Samurai for the win! Yeah!

00:33:02.652 --> 00:33:04.070
Well, I voted for you.

00:33:04.153 --> 00:33:06.114
I mean, you saved them.

00:33:06.572 --> 00:33:08.908
I made sure everyone knows
that you're the hero that we need.

00:33:21.421 --> 00:33:23.339
Irony is a * goddess.

00:33:23.423 --> 00:33:26.592
She puts that leather jacket on sale
the day after you buy it.

00:33:26.676 --> 00:33:30.471
She will make you gain five pounds
after you was on a two-week juice cleanse.

00:33:36.769 --> 00:33:39.480
Staring at the Grim Reaper,
Wesley didn't say,

00:33:39.564 --> 00:33:41.566
"If you like it,
you should've put a ring on it."

00:33:41.607 --> 00:33:43.818
He thought, "Maybe I deserve this."

00:33:46.279 --> 00:33:50.783
After Emmett, and Curtis, and Medici,
and Barbra, and Grisby, and Gray,

00:33:50.908 --> 00:33:52.952
after betraying and lying to Josh,

00:33:53.077 --> 00:33:55.496
Wesley realized he's not the warrior.

00:33:55.580 --> 00:33:57.957
He's the bully. He's the bad guy.

00:33:58.082 --> 00:34:00.334
He's just like Johnny in The Karate Kid.

00:34:00.418 --> 00:34:03.087
And like Johnny,
he has to sacrifice himself

00:34:03.171 --> 00:34:05.089
so that the outcast can be the hero.

00:34:06.340 --> 00:34:07.967
Maybe if Wesley was dead,

00:34:08.092 --> 00:34:10.928
Turbo would be struck with grief,
and he'd call off his attack.

00:34:10.970 --> 00:34:12.513
Maybe this is the only way out.

00:34:14.599 --> 00:34:15.850
Stop!

00:34:15.933 --> 00:34:17.852
No one touch that crown!

00:34:30.156 --> 00:34:34.786
THE IGNOBLE AMBUSH OF TURBO BRO JOCK

00:35:01.145 --> 00:35:02.605
Wesley lied again.

00:35:02.980 --> 00:35:05.066
He learned this trick from Kurosawa.

00:35:05.149 --> 00:35:06.776
It's all about perspective,

00:35:06.859 --> 00:35:08.111
pulling a Rashomon.

00:35:08.694 --> 00:35:10.238
This is what he didn't show you.

00:35:10.655 --> 00:35:11.864
Stop!

00:35:13.491 --> 00:35:16.119
Turbo told me that
he's gonna come and kill you all.

00:35:17.829 --> 00:35:19.080
But I have a plan.

00:35:19.747 --> 00:35:21.249
I know how we can fight back.

00:35:23.960 --> 00:35:25.419
You have to trust me.

00:35:30.091 --> 00:35:32.176
Wesley set up decoys.

00:35:33.052 --> 00:35:35.847
Everyone hid, and you know the rest.

00:35:49.735 --> 00:35:52.446
In the end, Wesley chose wisely.

00:35:52.572 --> 00:35:54.031
He chose friendship.

00:35:54.115 --> 00:35:55.491
He chose himself.

00:35:55.950 --> 00:35:58.202
Maybe one day, he will end this quest,

00:35:58.286 --> 00:36:00.079
one day, he will be a samurai.

00:36:01.122 --> 00:36:02.165
But not today.

00:36:03.583 --> 00:36:04.584
It's like I said,

00:36:05.585 --> 00:36:07.128
this story does not end well.

00:36:10.173 --> 00:36:13.259
But, uh, that's a story for another time.