In the time when fire rained down from heaven
and dust storms swept in from the east,
a hero arose with a dope-* name:
Wesley Fists.
Born in the hamlet of Compton, Wesley's father was a dentist.
His mother played Scratchers and smoked Newports.
From the time he could throw a punch,
Fists trained in the dojo of kung fu cinema.
His favorites were Shogun Assassin,
The Five Deadly Venoms,
and of course, Enter the Dragon.
But after hearing Enter the Wu-Tang,
young Fists imagined me narrating his life,
The RZA, AKA The RZArector
AKA RZA RZA Razor Sharp,
AKA The Abbot with the Golden Tablet,
AKA Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah,
AKA The Divine Prince Master Rakeem,
AKA Bobby Digital, AKA Bobby Boulders,
AKA Bobby Steels, AKA Daddy Diggs,
AKA The Fatal Flying Guillotine Karrier.
He knew I understood what a warrior's soul was
and I could say shit like "saga"
and "bring the * ruckus" without sounding like a sucka.
At the age 15, Fists's parents took the arduous trek up the deadly 110 freeway
to live in the village of Glendale.
Fists thrived in his new environment.
A defensive back of the first string,
11 sacks, ten interceptions, five pick sixes.
Shit, this kid was almost invincible.
In the apocalypse, our hero has taken on a mantle of rōnin,
a wandering soul seeking redemption for a heinous crime.
A haunting tragedy yet to be revealed.
To wit, Wesley gained new compatriots
with less dope names like Josh and Angelica.
Friends whom Wesley might call family, but...
his heart belongs to another...
DAYBREAK
HOMECOMING REDUX
So which are you gonna choose?
Choose?
Songs!
For the homecoming dance playlist?
This is no mere playlist.
This is no mere homecoming dance do-over.
We rescued these kids from Baron Triumph.
This is a Saturnalia to the wonder of life,
drinking from the water fountain of youth.
Tonight, we stare the Grim Reaper in the face, and we say,
"If you like it, then you should've put a ring on it."
This is the soundtrack of our lives!
Uh... Is this you? Uh, KJ?
What does that stand for?
Keung Jung?
Uh, Kim Jong?
Okay, look, we can't just let anyone in.
Someone's got to make sure you 'fugees are copacetic.
You remember ICE?
Well, I'm the new ICE.
Okay, I need you to sign this oath of allegiance.
Basically, you got to do what I say at all times.
And you can't make fun of me behind my back
like Dana Rappaport did when I sharted in the third grade.
Oh, and also, it automatically casts a vote for me
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.
This counts as a vote!
Eyes on your own work!
This isn't a test.
It's art therapy.
My psychiatrist had me do this to examine subconscious emotions in my drawing.
I painted an untamed unicorn baby gouging her mommy unicorn in the uterus.
But it didn't mean anything.
Why are you using spiders?
The black widow represents death,
and the brown widow represents death.
They duel because all of life is death.
And brown is the new black.
Turn it down! Turn the music down!
Turn it down! The music, turn it down!
The Ghoulie part of the Witch is super sensitive to loud noise.
Shit! I was only playing this on chill.
I barely got to thumping. What happens when I get to cranking?
If you pump up the volume tonight,
we'll be doing The Electric Slide with a horde of Ghoulies.
Hard to make the soundtrack of our lives with no soundtrack.
Maybe this is a bad idea,
recreating what we we'll never really have again.
You're missing Sam pretty hard.
We were gonna go to the dance together.
She was gonna be Homecoming Queen.
I know what you need.
Maybe you should try *.
- Homecoming, y'all! - Whoo!
- Compton on notice! - Whoo!
- We goin' to state! - Whoo!
- We dominate! - Whoo!
- Turbo be like... - Whoo!
- Hornets be like... - Whoo!
- Seize the crown like... - Whoo!
Seize the crown!
- We got your back! - Who got my back?
'Sup, Wes?
'Sup, Emmett?
Emmett was Wesley's third cousin on his mama's side and his best friend.
Gentlemen, welcome to Glendale High School,
but we have a strict no visitor policy.
Yeah? Why is that?
Your little posh crew gonna get all jumpy around us niggas?
No. What? What?
No. No, we're all woke here.
Uh, wide awoke.
No, it's an administrative measure for safety
and has nothing to do with any form of institutionalized racism.
But I am gonna have to ask your coach to escort you off campus
in a totally non-racist way.
Stretching our legs, sussing out the competition.
Blood's gonna flow like a chocolate fountain
at a bar mitzvah, cousin.
You don't get to call me cousin no more, traitor.
I transferred schools, Emmett.
- It's not on me my pops moved. - Yeah, it's on you.
Bowing down to these privileged white folks.
- Why don't you step the * back. - Hey, chill.
Chill, Turbo. Chill!
Chill. It's all good.
He's just trying to get me riled up.
But when you know your enemy better than you know yourself,
- the outcome has already been decided. - You ain't no samurai, you dumb blerd.
It was fun playing when we was kids, but that was a game.
Why you trying to be something you ain't?
Man, you would've never said that shit to Wu-Tang.
Or Kendrick when he's trying to be Kung Fu Kenny,
or Nicki Minaj when she's trying to play Chun-Li.
*, I'm on the tip!
Yeah, like vanilla iced matcha latte.
You frontin' Asian? You frontin' white?
Bet you eat that nasty-* qui-noa shit too, huh?
"Quinoa..."
is * delicious.
Spoken like a true white boy.
There's only two things I really miss
about the way things were.
Reading a Nicholas Sparks novel cover to cover the day it comes out
and live-tweeting The Bachelor.
You eat people's hearts.
Doesn't mean I don't have one.
Why are you keeping me alive?
We're not killers.
I don't like being locked up,
but watching you and Turbo has got me hooked.
The romance, betrayal, secrets.
What's gonna happen next?
I don't think you and I engaging in discourse is advisable.
Oh?
Well, who encouraged you to take AP English
so you could boost up your GPA?
You did.
Who gave you his FilmStruck password so you could watch those Kurosawa films?
- You did. - And who comforted you
when Jessie Felk broke your heart?
Omar from The Wire.
Yeah, but who told you to watch The Wire?
- You told me to watch season two. - Season two is amazing.
Only white dudes like season two!
You could surgically remove season two, and no one would miss it.
Don't you miss this, Wesley?
Talking around the proverbial water cooler.
You're eyeing me like a steak.
Nah, that's just sympathy.
I know what you're going through.
You're being pulled between two friends, again.
I remember.
I know what your cousin said to you at the pep rally.
"He said," Ease up, cuz.
Take it easy on me out there.
I need this win. You don't.
"You can let me win."
He even said... Please.
Selfish brat wanted you to throw the game so that he could win.
You don't know shit about my cousin.
I know about playing ninja at Rancho Cienega Rec.
I know he was just gutted
when you left Compton.
How do you know that?
Because...
I ate Emmett, you blerd.
You deserve your cage.
You're gonna hurt everyone you love.
And I'll be here... binging every episode.
Looks like someone is spying on you.
Dun, dun, dun!
DUN, DUN, DUN
You got to be kidding me.
Whoa, that's my board.
Right, you don't speak any English. Okay.
No.
That...
is mine.
Angelica.
Thanks.
Angelica?
I know what you're doing, and you have to stop.
I look so pretty in my dress!
Why is she yelling?
I put plugs in her ears.
I have plugs in my ears!
So she won't be bothered by the music at the dance.
No, I have plugs in my ears.
I'm trying to fix the sound thing.
Yeah, by hanging blankets on the wall like this is a freshmen dorm!
You didn't even go to our school, Angelica.
- Why do you care so much about this dance? - Everyone likes to dance!
Music stimulates the orbital frontal cortex,
and dance activates the cerebellum.
Every culture, around the world,
throughout time,
they all shake their booty.
That includes me, the Witch,
Wesley, KJ, you... Oh, no, no. KJ and I...
never gonna happen.
But you guys have so much in common!
You both skate, and you...
skate.
I know you miss Sam, but she's dead.
Your little meet-cutes are meet-stupids.
And they have to stop.
There are five stages of grief:
denial, anger, depression,
rebound *, Korean spa.
The spider venom has mutated.
It's super toxic. Death on contact.
Ms. Crumble's crown is lethal.
- Don't touch. - Yes, yes!
- I do like horchata! - Oh, no!
Yes, it's cinnamon-y goodness!
- Ow! - Just stop.
It says you do as I say, and it automatically casts a vote for me
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.
Just sign here, Other Gay Josh.
Uh, Gay Josh is dead,
so I think I should just be Gay Josh now.
You can't appropriate someone's identity!
Show some damned respect!
Now we can talk privately.
How much did you see?
Enough to start a new streaming * service.
That was sick.
Don't be one of those homophobic, small-minded, backsliding,
pearl-clutching, rainbow hating, no-keg-selling Westboro book burners!
I don't care if you dig bagpiping,
but you're bagpiping Turbo, bro!
But you knew that!
You've been blackmailing me for weeks!
Here's the trill, I lied!
Okay, it's one of my moves.
I narrow my eyes all seriously and say, "I know your secret, Fists."
You're the dump truck who took the bait!
Pretty sneaky, sis.
My IQ level is Gucci.
Now, turn off that music
before your milkshake brings all the ghouls to the yard.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey!
Yo... Hey!
Hey!
You're a pacifist!
You're not gonna let me die out here!
You can't blackmail me if you're brunch!
I'm not letting youcontrol my destiny.
I'm telling Josh everything.
What do you think Josh is gonna say
when he finds out his best friend is a full-on Benedict Cumberbatch?
You mean Benedict Arnold?
I mean I'm gonna be eggs benedict lobster hollandaise
if you don't open this * door!
You had your reach-around with the devil. Now you got to kill Josh.
I can't!
If you don't kill Josh, you're gonna kill the rest of us!
A wise man once said,
"The needs of many outweigh the needs of one dead Canadian."
You're quoting Star Trek.
Spock is a space samurai!
Hey, hey! Wes!
Where are you going?
Wes!
Just as these monsters tore apart this sweet * ghetto blaster,
so too was Wesley's soul torn asunder,
in the present, and in the past.
Hadouken!
You win!
You never lose as Ryu.
Compton must have you rattled.
The buttons are sticking is all, okay?
This game gets us into state.
College scouts are coming.
Also, you know Coach is dying?
- I thought Coach was retiring. - He's retiring because he's dying.
This is on your shoulders, QB.
But you could be on the QT.
Round Two, fight!
Hey, what's Guile's secret move?
Front, back, kick, kick, kick.
What's your secret move?
You are.
I'm just a defensive back.
Ten interceptions, three pick sixes.
- You know my line? - I know all your lines.
I don't have your knowledge of kung fu movies,
but I know Karate Kid.
Tonight, you have to sweep the leg.
You take out their top receiver, we win.
You know Daniel still beats Johnny
and gets the All Valley Karate Championship trophy.
Johnny didn't have the bro globes to finish him.
Daniel sent a crane kick.
"If do right, no can defense."
Yes, can defense. Easy can defense. You just take a step back.
He did kind of walk right into it.
Yeah. Johnny just felt all sorry for all the shit he did to Daniel.
Daniel didn't win. Johnny had a limp *.
- Yeah! - See, that's what I'm talking about!
Emmett is my family.
Your family calls you a * in front of the whole school.
Maybe he's right! Maybe I am fronting so I can fit in around here.
Acting all ninja so y'all would dig me or some shit.
You are something too cool for him to even fathom.
Don't play me.
I like you.
I play a lot of games.
But want to know how I know you're for real?
The hell is going on with you?
Stepping out? Leaving the school all by yourself?
You're being sloppy.
People are gonna ask questions.
Hey!
You chose me to be your right hand 'cause I'm not weak sauce.
And I'm no idiot.
I know where you've been, and I know who you've been with.
You're hooking up with Wesley.
He invited us to come to a dance.
I get it.
You * love the guy,
and he * loves you.
And you're both so * lucky.
Shit, I'd kill for someone to look at me the way Wesley looks at you.
It's...
It's really beautiful.
But there's no time for love.
You go to that mall,
do the Cabbage Patch with Wesley,
and make peace with those mall rats?
It'll show everyone you've gone soft,
ripe for a Groupon-d'état.
Everyone will try to overthrow your * at once.
Or...
we can have our own homecoming dance.
Show them all how it gets done.
What? Everyone likes to dance.
You can't kill Josh. It has to be me.
- That's how Turbo wants it. - How do you know that?
So what are we gonna do?
I got to put my thinking cap on.
I used to be a king,
a fair, noble ruler.
Just me and Mavis.
Our threads were dope, and I got to sink the pink
three times a day.
That's true love.
And then Josh happened.
He busts in my mall, he camps in my mall,
brought all these kids into my mall.
And now they're gonna vote for Josh as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty?
Face it. I mean, dude deserves to die.
I don't want to kill Josh, but...
if I did,
it'd have to be quick, and painless, and untraceable.
A perfect murder.
Mm...
We get a mutant pug.
A falling air conditioner.
We get a hippo.
A hive of angry bees.
We get a shark.
Ricin cigarette.
Banana peel.
Parking meter?
An angry Roomba.
Reprogram the escalator.
Truck with lots of rebar in it.
A whole bunch of marbles.
Oh, an exploding xylophone.
Texting while driving.
Ricin cigarette.
I said that.
Oh.
Um, extra-long bungee cord.
Hot dog eating contest.
Oh, a parkour contest.
Freddy Krueger cosplay.
- Pray to Thor. - Kale.
Waterboarding by Ghoulie jizz.
The *?
Shit, I don't want to do this.
But damn...
I know what I have to do.
Um...
Um... Uh...
I...
I just want to ask you something.
Yes!
THE POISON CROWN
While everyone in the mall got ready for the dance,
Wesley Fists got ready to assassinate Josh Wheeler.
Wesley's favorite kung-fu movie was a classic piece of cinema:
The Man with the Poison Crown.
In the film, a dethroned prince enters a tournament of death
to regain his empire with his favorite weapon,
the aforementioned toxic tiara.
Fists's plan was bold and decisive.
After saving the kids from Baron Triumph,
Josh was certain to win the gender-neutral homecoming title.
Mutant spider venom kills on contact.
When Josh puts the crown on...
instant death, a tragic accident.
The weapon is set, the deed is done.
No regrets, no turning back.
We're not much of a team, Barry.
Oh, don't get glum, Gary.
There's plenty of two-person teams.
Beach volleyball,
doubles tennis,
jai alai,
bobsledding...
Bobsledding doesn't have a ball.
Well maybe we recruit some new members.
No one's enlisting. We got a target on our back.
Nah, it's on our * face.
They're taking odds on which one of us is gonna die next.
Okay, look. These jocks are swole on steroids.
Golf is a thinking bro's game.
We don't act rash,
but we methodically plot our path to the hole.
They don't call us masters for nothing.
Yeah. Green is my favorite color.
We only need two members to be a team.
I got your back, you got mine.
Voting is closed, friends.
Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty will be officially announced in five minutes.
If you think this tale has a happy end,
if you hope the rōnin will see the error of his ways and save the day...
well, then you haven't been paying attention at all.
THE BIG GAME
You look like a homecoming queen!
You and Turbo make a cute couple.
Uh, you and Turbo make a cute couple.
How did you know?
I see how you look at him.
He's DTF.
But IDK. It's TBD.
You should be Homecoming King.
I'm more the guy behind the guy.
Not a gay thing.
Just...
truth.
Well, I voted for you.
Everybody voted for Turbo.
You're a football player,
a film geek, the only gay samurai to pull off tie dye pants,
and you always have the sickest weed.
Sense and Sensimilla is good.
I personally like Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Pipe.
When I grow up, I want to make my own strain.
420 Rōnin.
We're supposed to be spending this time finding out who we really are.
And you, my friend, are the only one who's brave enough to try.
That is why you're royalty.
I'm just trying to survive.
I got friends,
my team, Turbo,
family, Emmett.
And still...
I feel so alone.
I have over...
a million followers since Josh posted that video.
But finding that one person who really gets...
There are so many conditions on unconditional love.
I have to choose...
between Emmett...
and Turbo.
Whoever I choose... I lose the other.
Probably forever.
You're a regular Yojimbo.
You should do what I did.
Choose Wesley.
Set, hike!
Fourth quarter, two minutes on the clock.
Glendale's up by five, Compton has the ball on their 20.
If Compton makes this drive,
they could win the whole bangalanga.
Now Wesley's cousin wants him to cheat, so he can win the game.
Wesley's boyfriend wants him to cheat, so he can win the game.
How do you win a no-win situation?
Instead of choosing Emmett or Turbo,
Wesley followed Sam Dean's advice.
He chose himself.
He shoved one player into another.
It only takes a minimal amount of friction to start a fire.
That fire can light a fuse,
and when it burns down...
Boom! There goes the dynamite.
Tempers flared so hot that chilly autumn eve
that the ground temperature rose about 11 degrees,
and Wesley Fists evaded the impossible choice
by eliminating the unanswerable question.
And by doing so, he truly became a samurai.
Nah, that ain't what the * happened.
That's just a lie that Wesley tells himself.
- What actually happened is this. - Hike!
Yo, you can't run away from me.
I'm in your head, kid.
And I'm so sick of your slash fiction bullshit.
You have to say what I think!
You're my narrator!
Son, I'm the sharpest * in the whole damn Clan.
You know I speak the truth. You picked the RZA, right?
That's on you.
Now, I'm gonna tell you how it is.
Easy! I'm the one dealing with the end of the world up in here.
You're so damned twisted, man, you don't even know what is true or false.
There was never even a movie called The Man With the Poisoned Crown, yo!
Yeah-huh! I saw it on Channel Five.
You're mixing up Shogun Assassin with Master of the Flying Guillotine,
which is offensive, right?
Because kung fu and samurai are different cultures.
Shit!
Children make shit up, man,
so they can be heroes of their story.
Emmett was right!
I am a fake! I'm no samurai!
I'm camp as *!
It's not your fault you want to be a samurai.
See, that's the economical pressure being expressed as warrior code.
It started when young black men couldn't afford to go to the movies
so we watched kung fu reruns.
We found beauty in things that had been neglected.
We saw the lotus flower growing out of the mud.
It spun out to everything, man, from Jim Kelly to The Last Dragon
to Sho'nuff Shogun.
This shit gonna be on the test?
Are you gonna help me out here?
Man, look at yourself.
Look at yourself!
You didn't choose you.
You chose Turbo.
And you can't even admit it.
You can't help who you love.
And you're never gonna find that redemption
if you keep making the same damn mistake.
After the bomb, Turbo was the only one who had a game plan to survive.
I followed him because I loved him, and he loved me.
Maybe too much.
One day, I was talking to Curtis Bedford.
The next day, Turbo impaled him on spikes.
Turbo killed Tom Harthen on American Ninja Idol
because he said he liked my shoes.
And more: Barbra, Grisby, Medici, Gray,
all those kids died because they were being nice to me.
Why does Hollywood keep making movies from comic books?
That's why I'm a rōnin.
That's why I need redemption.
You're going to die
because my ex-boyfriend can't stand that you and I are friends.
Mop Sam Dean... I love you, Mop Sam!
And Wesley Fists!
Samurai for the win! Yeah!
Well, I voted for you.
I mean, you saved them.
I made sure everyone knows that you're the hero that we need.
Irony is a * goddess.
She puts that leather jacket on sale the day after you buy it.
She will make you gain five pounds after you was on a two-week juice cleanse.
Staring at the Grim Reaper, Wesley didn't say,
"If you like it, you should've put a ring on it."
He thought, "Maybe I deserve this."
After Emmett, and Curtis, and Medici, and Barbra, and Grisby, and Gray,
after betraying and lying to Josh,
Wesley realized he's not the warrior.
He's the bully. He's the bad guy.
He's just like Johnny in The Karate Kid.
And like Johnny, he has to sacrifice himself
so that the outcast can be the hero.
Maybe if Wesley was dead,
Turbo would be struck with grief, and he'd call off his attack.
Maybe this is the only way out.
Stop!
No one touch that crown!
THE IGNOBLE AMBUSH OF TURBO BRO JOCK
Wesley lied again.
He learned this trick from Kurosawa.
It's all about perspective,
pulling a Rashomon.
This is what he didn't show you.
Stop!
Turbo told me that he's gonna come and kill you all.
But I have a plan.
I know how we can fight back.
You have to trust me.
Wesley set up decoys.
Everyone hid, and you know the rest.
In the end, Wesley chose wisely.
He chose friendship.
He chose himself.
Maybe one day, he will end this quest,
one day, he will be a samurai.
But not today.
It's like I said,
this story does not end well.
But, uh, that's a story for another time.